In case you flushed out the image of Benicio Del Toro's wolf sperm galloping toward one of Kimbo Stewart's equine eggs as the entire animal kingdom cheered at the making of a new hybrid, let me remind you that they made raw sex with each other and also made a baby that she birthed out over the weekend. Benicio and Kimbo still haven't officially released the name of their spawn since they're waiting for his packmaster Raoul to christen the name as he holds their baby up to the moon and howls with her. But Rod Stewart's old ass accidentally blurted it out during an interview with USA Today for his new Las Vegas show.
And "I'm a grandfather now," he chirps, singing out the name Delilah, born Sunday to daughter Kimberly, 32 (whose mother is Alana Hamilton Stewart, one of his two exes). "I've been going around blabbing that for hours now."
There's half of me that is slow clapping for the name Delilah because it makes her sound like a Biblical whore (I hate that I still watch Friends reruns).
The other part of me is throwing punches with my eyes at Benicio's "hungover Gaddafi face" for putting that stupid song about that stupid bitch moving to stupid NYC in my stupid head.
With all those pictures of Jennifer Garner wearing shirts straight from Walmart's maternity line, hos figured that she's either on that KFed diet or a baby is squatting in her uterus and paying for the placenta cutlet it's eating with fetus barfs and belly kicks. It's the latter. Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck announced last night that she'll soon birth out a third child whose tiny nostrils will have to get used to the musky scent of casino smoke, wig glue and cologne you buy from one of those gas station cologne machines to cover up fuck fumes that have marinated into your crotch. This is what the Associated Press had to say about the newest Garfleck.
A one-sentence statement released Monday says the actors are "thrilled" to have another baby on the way. The couple has two daughters, 5-year-old Violet and 2-year-old Seraphina Elizabeth Rose Affleck.
No other details were released.
Affleck and Garner, both 39, were married in 2005.
Those quotation marks hugging thrilled make it looks like that shit was delivered with a sarcastic eye roll and the kind of huff a ho lets out when it's 4am, her newborn baby is killing ceiling paint with its holler, her husband is not in the building and his cell phone keeps going to voicemail. "I'm thrilled that you're listening to this shit as you throw the nasty boxers you used to wipe your whore's pussy juices off of your dick into the dumpster outside of Burger King," is the message she'll leave.
That story about Kimbo Stewart making a fetus with Benicio Del Toro was not a bizarre hallucination your imagination burped up after you were knocked out in a teabagging gone wrong incident involving Cisco Adler's "baby elephant in a long tube sock" nuts. It is a true thing. The rabies-infested wolf hobo of Puerto Rico actually rode Kimbo Stewart bareback and as he howled and she neighed, a wolf-horse hybrid was created. (This proves that not all interspecies love is made of adorable.) And now UsWeekly says that the baby who will remind us all that Kimbo and Benicio fucked once has arrived!
While her daddy Rod Stewart and her mom Alana Collins were at the hospital, Kimbo sprawled herself out on a bed of hay and pushed out a baby girl who weighed in at 8lbs and 9oz. Benicio and Kimbo are not together as a couple, so who knows if he showed up at the hospital to welcome his new daughter to his pack by licking her ear fur and sucking the mites out of her neck.
Kimbo hasn't said what she's named her daughter, but bitch has to know that there's only one right name and that's Wattafuck Del Toro-Stewart. Because that's pretty much what everyone's going to shout when Baby Wattafuck tells them that her mom is Kimbo Stewart and her dad is Benicio Del Toro.
In a delivery room somewhere in California yesterday, KFed's piece Victoria Prince birthed out the newest baby that will suck on a bottle bought by Sugar Mama Brit Brit! UsWeekly says that KFed's girlfriend became his 3rd baby mama when she pushed out his 5th child at around 6:33pm on Monday. KFed and Victoria named their new daughter Jordan Kay. JK!
KWellFed told UsWeekly back in April that he and Victoria already planned on naming the newest member to his baby pack Jordan, "[Victoria] said that if we were going to have a little girl, she wanted to name her Jordan. And then, we actually thought that it was a boy, but we stuck with the name Jordan because, you know, it fits both ways."
I know that most of you hos think KFat is nothing but a hairy lump of uselessness that feeds all of his ten million children with the Cheeto crumbs that Brit Brit sprinkles on him, but he deserves a little more credit. I mean, Victoria doesn't have to worry about getting swole, chewed-up nipples from breastfeeding since KFed's right chichi squirts out chocolate leche and his left chichi squirts out vanilla leche. KFed just have to push his chichis together and pinch his nipples at the same time to give his baby a vanilla chocolate milk swirl. Everyone is happy.
I know you're all screaming that KFed should get snipped, but that's still not going to stop his ovary-hungry sperm fishes. They are unstoppable! They chew through condoms! They NOM NOM NOM through diaphragms! They are ravage beasts. If KFed cums on your face, you can feel those motherfuckers crawl up into your nostrils to make their way to your ovaries. They have built-in GPS systems and can breathe on land! You might think that like their creator, they can be distracted with a Twinkie, but they don't fall for those simple tricks.
And we're afraid of sharks when the real predator on this planet is KFed's jizz.
Here's the African Baby Snatcher of England struttin' her 53-year-old ass through Heathrow with her crew of bought, birthed and leased BABIES!!! on the morning of her born day.
In case you couldn't tell from the dude in plaid throwing a "please tell me you're not smiling a stupid smile because you just made a caca in your Underoos and I'm going to have to clean it up using a Baby Wipe from this case I'm carrying" side-eye at the taller child, Baby Brahim is the one in the head scarf.
And Mercy's the child whose eyes are telling us that her nostrils just sucked in a whole of dirty ass air and she knows she's going to have to spend the rest of her day potty retraining that "can't hold it" bitch.
In case you forgot what a tiny newbornling looks like, here's Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy's 5-week-old son Bingham Hawn Bellamy (that name still makes my eyeballs twist) making his public debut in a picture his dad Twatted yesterday.
You know, Kate Hudson probably brought in a stylist to perfectly blow out her hair and then made her make-up artist do up her face up so it looks like the sunlight is naturally bringing out the rosy in her cheeks, but bitch couldn't pose Bing so he doesn't look like he's trying to pull a new name out of his nose?
And how dare Kate and Matt release the first picture of Bing for free! They could've done a 10-page spread for Life & Style and donated all of the money to a children's charity. Think of all the third world orphans who will starve until the Grim Reaper taps on their shoulders, because of Kate and Matt's selfishness!
But seriously, now that I look at Bing, he looks more like a Chanandler Bong to me.
via Too Fab
After going through what seemed like the gestation period of a damn elephant, the latest heir to the bitchface throne slid out of MiserAlba on Saturday and threw the doctor a shank eye of death that made him slap himself. As JustInItForTheCash Warren day dreamed about how he's going to spend the extra weekly allowance his wife is going to give him for training their newest baby on how to scowl for every paps' lens, MiserAlba announced the news on Facebook yesterday. Oh, and pretty much announced that she watches a lot of Syfy and is going to destroy the letter H the same way the Kuntdashians have destroyed the letter K.
Hope you're enjoying the weekend. Cash and I are so excited to announce the birth of our daughter, Haven Garner Warren. She was born on Saturday, weighed 7lbs, and was 19 inches long. Healthy and happy! Big Sister Honor couldn’t be more excited about the new addition to our family.
Thank you for all of your support during my pregnancy. It means the world to me.
Honor & Haven?! Tell me that doesn't sound like the names of graphic novel characters who crime fight at night and then work as day-shift taxi dancers at a club where 90% of the proceeds go to a women's shelter. Speaking of women's shelter, if you told me that Haven Garner is the name of a halfway house for runaway teens that Jennifer Garner founded because she needed another tax write-off, I wouldn't waste a keystroke by saying you were lying.
In case you haven't heard, Lizzie McGuire is no longer a 14-year-old high school student who still thinks that heavy petting is some shit you do to goats at the zoo. Lizzie McGuire, got her period, grew up, gave balcony head, got married and now has a womb full of baby. 23-year-old Hilary Duff announced on her website today she's made a baby with her 30-year-old hockey playing husband of one year Mike Comrie.
“Hello everyone! This weekend, Mike and I are celebrating our 1 year anniversary! In memory of the special day, we decided to post some of our favorite pictures from our wedding! I can’t believe it has already been a year, time really flies when you’re having fun! We also want to share the exciting news that BABY MAKES THREE!!! We are extremely happy and ready to start this new chapter of our lives. Thanks to everyone for the continued love and support throughout the years!”
For Hilary's sake, I hope that baby is born with her original teeth and her head. If not, bitch is going to scream her Veneers off from birthing out a dinosaur egg head with tiny arms and legs. It's going to take a few hours just for the baby's surfboard head to clear her pussy. As soon her Herman Munster baby crowns, the doctors and nurses can play a few games of traveling Mahjong on its forehead while waiting for its eyes to show up. Hilary will have to support her baby's head with a catcher's mitt during feeding. Bitch better invest in a lifting bracelet for her wrists.
And yup, you can go ahead and file this news under "Shit that is pushing me towards the Metamucil phase of my life."
The other week, I was getting a G-rated facial (Although, that shit is really rated NC-17 since it's a horror show) for the first time and as I ate my cries I told myself that this is what hos must go through at the Guantanamo Bay spa. Seriously, they soothe you with clouds of lavender mist and as your soul lays down in a Calgon bath, homegirl blinds you with a wet towel and then brutally murders your face with her fingers without saying a word. TRICKERY! It really felt like she was pulling premature pus babies out of my face and the evil inside her grew stronger as I slowly started to die inside.
Whenever I lifted my hand to see if my face skin was still there, she'd push it down and continue to extract pieces of my charred soul through my pores. And I was paying actual money for this. I was paying for someone to show me what it feels like when tiny demons in dagger shoes Riverdance on top of my face. It was like a Ke$ha song for my face. It was one of those experiences that while it was happening I told myself that I was going to come out a stronger person because of it (aka Oprah bullshit). Only I came out with a face that matched my nalgas: bruised, beaten, sad, swollen and red.
Afterward, I told my friend on IM about the WORST AND MOST TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE and her response was, "Has a baby head ever exploded out of your pussy? No? Then shut the fuck up." Good point. Which leads me to the news that Tina Fey birthed out her second baby friend this week! The details from People:
Tina Fey, already mom to 5-year-old Alice, has introduced a new addition to the family.
The 30 Rock star welcomed a healthy baby girl, Penelope Athena Richmond, on Wednesday with her composer husband Jeffrey Richmond, 50, her rep tells PEOPLE.
If you're going to go Greek, you're going to go with Penelope Athena! Well, you'd probably go with Hopa Fage Yogurt first, and then you'd go with Penelope Athena. Congratulations to Tina, Jeffrey, Alice and the newest baby member of the 30 Rock writing staff.
(Image via NBC)
Posh and Becks' new daughter Harper Eight is lucky that she was brought into this world after her daddy got a ridiculous tattoo of him as Jesus and his sons as cherubs. Thankfully for Harper, she missed out on being a part of that mark of fuckery. Phew for her. Instead, Becks showed his love for his daughter by getting her name tattooed right under his neck in fancy font. Or "you know, that curly writing that comes out of giant white feathers" as my cousin explained to the chick doing her wedding invitations.
At last night's LA Galaxy vs. FC Dallas game, Becks' allergic reaction to cloth covering his man nipples got the best of him and so he pulled off his shirt, revealing his new tattoo. I would've rather Becks used his energy to pull off that rubber cock string around his head, but whatever.
Anyway, here's more of Becks (and a sliiiiight bulge) last night as well as a picture Posh Tweeted of him and Harper.