BABIES!!!

I hope they name it "Sobakawa Carter." Beyonce has reportedly checked into NYC's St. Luke's Roosevelt Hospital on the Upper West Side to unstrap that BABIES!!! stand-in pillow. I kid, because unless she's been eating her and husband Jay-Z's weight in Taco Bell as a cover, she's got to be with child.

CBS News (by way of Media Takeout) says that a "celebrity VIP" is taking up half of the hospital's labor and delivery suite. It's supposed to be big enough to fit "three deliveries and a dozen overnight guests". Camera crews to record every second of this baby's birth for photo sales take up a shitload of room!

We will keep you posted. Or Sweetas and I will. Michael K. just texted us from an Italian jail. He didn't get arrested, he's just there looking for especially skeevy dick.

If this IS some faked pregnancy shit, I have questions. How in hell are they going to sneak that illegal immigrant girl into the hospital and fix her under Beyonce so it looks like the actual human child is coming out of Sasha Fierce's wooka and not the surrogate's? This poor thing has been holed up in a secret apartment under the pseudonym of "LeToya Luckett" and now she's about to meet B face-to-back-of-head! There's going to be some slapstick juggling when they try to get that Serta Memory Foam Pillow Beyonce has had strapped to her out of the way so they can hand Jay-Z the baby. You be sure and get that check for going through all this fuckery, illegal immigrant broodmare girl!

Dido's name is an “l” away from being Dildo and her music has always sounded like a white girl Sade to me, so I had not one bad thing to say about her ass until now. The only esteemed news source of truth I trust, the Daily Mail, says that Dido birthed out a baby boy last July and she has named him Stanley. As in Stan, as in that Enimen song about a crazed murderous stalker, which samples her song, Thank You. I see what you did there, Dido! I also see her little son Stanley cooing this out in his crib: “Aaaaand Iiiiiiii want to thank you….for giving me the worst naaaaame of my liiii-iiiii-iiiiife.”

According to the Daily Mail, Baby Stan is Dido’s first baby friend with her husband of 2 years Rohan Gavin. They’ve been living a shush life somewhere in North London together.

Okay, I was joking about the “one bad thing to say” shit. Maybe it’s because I’m running on 2 hours of sleep and prosecco bubbles are powering whatever is left of my brain, but this shit is pulling the laughs out from my ass. Dido named her son Stan knowing that every bitch would think she named him after a song about an Eminem stalker. I’m sure Dido and Baby Stan will laugh about this as soon as he’s old enough to understand fuckery. Let’s just hope they aren’t laughing about it while she’s tied up in his trunk and he’s about to drive the car into the river.

A shiny brand new newborn baby should be calling 68-year-old Robert De Niro "PEPAW!!!" instead of "Daddy?" but the latter is what's going down in the De Niro house this holiday weekend. Because Robert's old ass and his wife Grace Hightower are parents to a baby girl born via a leased baby oven. The baby girl has a 13-year-old brother named Elliot and a bunch of half-siblings including 40-year-old Drena, 35-year-old Raphael and 16-year-olds Julian and Aaron.

Now, when my ass is 68, I want to be drunk on my porch and throwing rotten lemons at the shit-nosed brats driving their stupid ugly bikes on my lawn. I want to be a mean old cunt who's not afraid to show it. I don't want to be pulling my damn hip muscle while rocking my wailing baby to sleep at 3 in the morning. That shit ain't the life. But if that's how Robert wants to spend the Werther's Originals phase of his life, who am I to judge (I'm totally judging)?

But the best part is what Robert and Grace named their baby friend. Their rep tells People that her name is Helen Grace De Niro. Not only does Helen Grace De Niro sound like the name of a Catholic school head mistress who secretly moonlights as a lounge singer, but Helen Grace is also the name of the chocolate company that makes the most delicious fudge Easter eggs your stomach has ever digested.

These chocolate Easter eggs were serious business in my elementary school. Every year, we fought to death to sell as many as possible. It was like the middle-class suburban version of The Hunger Games. We killed each other for that shit, because the prizes were legendary. One year, I came in 5th place thanks to my mother forcing everyone at work to buy at least 3 and the prize was nothing like I have ever known before. The five of us (yes, I was last place, of course) all got into a limo and it took us on a journey of culinary pleasures. We stopped at Carl's Jr. for appetizers (fries), then pulled into the gourmet garden of desires that is McDonald's for entrees (Big Mac) and cleansed our palate at the Michelin-starred Baskin-Robbins. It will go down as the most luxurious experience of my life. For such a glamorous occasion, I wore my finest outfit which was a white turtleneck, a black chunky cardigan from Mervyn's and pleated black pants. I was dressed like an Eastern European lesbian tennis star going to a hearing to face charges of steroid abuse.

I even got to take a picture in front of the hot limo while wearing the hottest outfit I've ever owned. If my ass ever goes missing and the police ask you for a picture, please give them the one of my 10-year-old self awkwardly standing in front of that limousine. I look nothing like that anymore, but I only want people to see me in my most glamorous moment.

And I'm sure Robert's Helen Grace is as precious the Helen Grace Easter eggs I sold in order to live like Alexis Carrington for an afternoon.

The skin on Fantasia's left arm is shivering today, because it's only a matter of time before she gets the face of her second baby friend tattooed on there. (Sidenote: I never understood why people get the faces of their children, mother, father or any other relative tattooed on their arm? Do you really want to look down at your child's face while you're giving a handjob? That'll mess up your rhythm and then you'll have to start all over again.)

Fanny birthed out a son in North Carolina sometime yesterday and she isn't saying who the daddy is, but Aunt Bunny and I know the father is that married trash she picked up in a T-Mobile store. GWORL PLEE! As soon as Fanny caught her breath after hollering out a billion breaths during labor (you know that bitch gets EXTRA during labor), she let out this statement to People:

Baby Dallas made his debut on Tuesday in North Carolina at 7 lbs., 9 oz. and 21 inches long. He joins big sister Zion, 10.

"I feel so blessed that my son Dallas Xavier was born healthy, and is a wonderful new addition to our family. I thank all my fans for their well wishes and continued support."

I was half-expecting Fanny to name her son Fave Five after where she met his daddy, so the name "Dallas Xavier" is pretty tame. But still. What has Dallas done to deserve this kind of treatment this year? First came A-List: Dallas (fuckery punch #1), then came Khloe & Lamar moving to Dallas (fuckery punch #2) and now this?! At a courthouse in Texas somewhere, you can probably find Dallas trying to change its name to Sallad. Actually, Sallad is a really good baby name.

Today, we are all Sigourney Weaver and this UsWeekly cover is the alien nest she discovers. They're spawning! The whorror never ends. Four weeks ago, Pimp Mama Kris gathered all of her precious whore loaches together and demanded that one of them deliver a smoke screen baby to distract everyone from the fact that they're all soul-fucking whores of the highest order. Pimp Mama Kris mostly stared at Kourtney Kardashian during this conversation since every time Lamar Odom mounts Khloe, the Wookie wail of ecstasy she lets out scares the neighborhood children and Bruce Jenner has to run into the room with a garden hose and a hot fireplace poker. So Kourtney it is!

Kourtney announced this morning that she's 9 weeks knocked up with her third child (Scott Is Dick being her first and Mason being her second). Yeah, Kourtney is saying 9 weeks, but I'm saying that the three kings of hell have plenty of time to get a present for the spawn that will keep the evil going since I'm sure she'll magically be a few weeks overdue. Here's Kourtney and Scott reading from the script Pimp Mama Kris gave them:

The E! reality star, 32, took a pregnancy test about five weeks ago -- and woke up Disick, 28 (not a morning person!), around 7.a.m. to tell him the positive results.

"Now I'm nine weeks along," Kardashian tells Us. "You're supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident."

"It wasn't like we weren't trying," Disick, 28, says. "We kind of just said, 'If it's meant to be, it'll be.'"

Kourtney also launched some stupid ass mommy blog on Monday. Koincidence! The Kuntrashian plague continues and there will be several more weeks of listening to Kourtney's warped cassette tape voice fart on and on about how she laughs every time the ultrasound tech blacks out American Horror Story-style when she gets a sonogram. I mean, where is a swarm of locusts when we really really really need them?

Here's Kourtney doing stupid shit in L.A. yesterday with Lady CaCa's sister Lady PeePee (You know Kim's crotch makes a Slushie every time she hears that name).

Lily Allen's rep has turned their mouth to the SILENT position and are not saying shit, but who needs a confirmation from a rep when you've got friends with Twatter pages? Two of Lily's friends, Sam Chew and Charlie Condou, handed out pink blunts on Twitter last night and announced that she and her husband of 6 months, Sam Cooper, have been blessed by the saliva bombs and newborn diarrhea fumes coming from their brand new baby girl. We don't have a name yet, but Sam Chew did gift us with the image of a pink Mini Cooper driving out of Lily's coochie tunnel when he Tweeted this:

sending out love to lily, sam and mini cooper...... YES.
22 hours ago via web

This news might be like a shot of happiness to veins of your soul since Lily has been through sad after sad after sad after sad to get here. Lily miscarried her first pregnancy almost 4 years ago and had a still birth last November.

Congratulations to Lily, Sam and their new baby friend. I'll throw them another congratulations with more feeling if they really named their daughter Mini Cooper. Or at least WINNIE Cooper!

via People

Justin Bieber was allowed to stay up past mimi times last night to sit on a booster seat on the Late Show stage and talk about serious adult stuff with David Letterman. Letterman asked the beaver equivalent of a Skipper Doll about getting swabbed in the mouth to prove that it's impossible for him to father a baby since the only liquid he produces is Poof 'n Puff Perfume.

Bieber told Letterman that the swabbing took all of ten minutes and he got to keep his clothes on the entire time. Letterman said that his eyes have turned red over Mariah Yeater's claims and the scent of weasel farts have trickled into his nostrils. Bieber responded by saying, "I could smell a weasel too." Little did Bieber know, that wasn't the smell of a weasel, that was the smell of a gerbil slathered in Crisco that Uncle Usher brought him to "play" with.

As Justin waits for Mariah Yeater to give up DNA from her baby, he reunited with Uncle Usher on Today this morning where he kissed a Belieber on the hand without a condom on his lips (cut to 9 months later with her holding a Baby Alive on the cover of Life & Style) and gave a wardrobe assistant a Crying Game moment.

This morning, Beliebers that have been in the fetal position ever since this Mariah Yeater mess started tried to get out of the fetal position after learning that she dismissed her paternity lawsuit, but then they remembered one important thing: they can't get out of the fetal position! They're fetuses! They're always in the fetal position!

Well, now they can really really stay there. Mariah did take back the paternity suit, but only because she wants to keep all the details away from the media she whored herself out to. Mariah's new lawyer Jeffrey Leving is currently trying to get Justin to suck on a swabstick and hand over his DNA for testing. Leving told People that it's so much easier to scam Justin Bieber's lunch money from him without the courts involvement:

"We're negotiating with Bieber's counsel, to reach a confidentiality agreement and to get private testing and results. Yes, of course I believe my client's allegations. I can't comment on whether she has physical evidence or not.

I just spoke to Mariah today, someone was recently stalking her. She is happy that she changed her number so she's not getting death threats by phone. She's a young 20-year-old mother who now has to worry about her safety and her child's. It's a lot for any woman that age to handle?

Yes, it is a lot to handle and here's Mariah handling her new duties as a mother really well by pushing her kid into the cameras for his first staged photo shoot. White Oprah just shit out a tear at this precious moment.

But you know, earlier I said that I hope this baby turns out to be Justin's, but I don't mean that. I only said those things for dramatic purposes. I don't want baby Trystyn (Side whisper: Who in blue hell spells Tristan like that?) to grow a follicle bowl of addictive pheromones that turns every girl child into a foaming-at-the-mouth crazy. I don't want Trystyn to make songs that are basically musical rabies that infect the masses. As Tina Turner really meant to sing, we don't need another Bieber! We as a people have been tortured enough.

Mariah Yeater isn't the only trick who's slowly pushing Maury toward an early retirement so he can finally escape the paternity test fuckery. Star Magazine (via Radar) is reporting that some nobody from a short-lived reality shit show called Secrets of Aspen is telling her friends that she's pregnant with a blank check signed with Mel Gibson's old man jizz. Mel Gibson's dick: truly the gift that keeps on giving gold diggers the debit card baby of their dreams.

A source close to Laura Bellizzi claims that the fetus growing in her uterus is nearly 4-months old and she's trying to keep the identity of its father a secret from the media. Laura took a few unprotected rides on Mad Mel's wrinkled Swastadick over the summer after mutual friends introduced them. One of Laura's friends, Bridgette Willis, tells Rumor Fix that Mel is the father and the only way he'd be happier about this is if his newest spawn was born with a Hitler stache and sugar cube nipples. Bridgette put it like this:

“In fact, it was not long at all after she and Mel met that she became pregnant with his child. I don’t know if the baby was planned but I know Laura has told me that she and her parents are just so happy!

Laura told me, ‘Mel and I have a connection we are deeply connected. We talk every day on the phone.’ I believe from what Laura has told me Mel Gibson’s intentions are to keep this pregnancy under raps. Mel Gibson is taking care of Laura financially. This will include a luxurious home in a prominent gated community in Ladera Ranch in Orange County that she will soon move into. Also, she has told me that their baby will be enrolled in an elite private pre-school in San Juan Capistrano, CA. Last I was told there is a pre and post birth arrangement that has been instilled by Mel Gibson that will also include a trust fund for the baby. Laura has told me that she hasn’t asked for anything from Mel Gibson.”

Laura's lawyer denies that Mel is the co-maker of her unborn child and Mel's rep says this is a pack of lies. But I'm not sure....

The last time Mad Mel didn't destroy his anti-Semitic sperm fish by wrapping a rubber yarmulke over his peen head before sticking it in, he was exposed as an abuser of ladies, babies, Jacuzzis, telephones, voicemail boxes, ottomans, ear drums, nerves, etc... etc... So is Mel stupid enough to do that shit again? Yeah, totally. Mel is no match against an ambitious gold digger with smarts and drawing skills!

Mad Mel made a vow to only cum during a blowjob before Jacuzzi, but Laura wasn't going to let that stop her. Laura painted a beautiful Aryan lady face over her labia lips, threw a wiglet over the face and then did an elbow stand. Then as Mad Mel approached her, she used the ancient art of cuntriloquism to flap her coochie lips as she said, "Oh, my Catholic Prince, allow me to blowjob you before Jacuzzi." BOOM. Pregnant. Bitch is the Einstein of gold diggers.

This morning as I hooked my arm veins up to an IV drip full of coffee I turned on Today, as I do every day, and heard the dreaded words from Ann Curry that make pussies cringe and wombs shrivel: "The Duggars have a big announcement to make!" A big announcement from the Duggars would be that they are finally retiring her war-torn, tortured womb and tucking it into a retirement home in Boca where all things BABY!!! are banned. But that is obviously not part of God's plan. God continues to hate Michelle Duggar's uterus and is wreaking havoc on it yet again, because she announced that her 45-year-old ass is knocked up with the 20th member of her holy child army. That haunting cry you hear echoing through Michelle's vagina hangar is her uterus chanting to the menopause angel to please come and put it out of its sad misery.

The professional BABY!!! hoarders said that Michelle's party bus snatch is dismissed from the labor room this time around, because she's going to have a scheduled C-section in April for the first time in her history of shooting out children. That's because, Michelle almost birthed her way to death while giving birth to their 19th kid two Decembers ago. 1-year-old Josie was born three months premature, because Michelle was diagnosed with preeclampsia and the condition threatened the lives of her and her daughter.

When Ann Curry asked, "Um. Bitch, your uterus fell out THREE FUCKING TIMES! It did the Tandi Iman Dupree three times! Isn't that a sign from the lord above that your uterus is hurtin' and it's time to let it go? Can't Jim Bob bust a nut into the soap pot from now on?!", Michelle said that they will keep having children for as long as God wants.

This is jizz-worthy news for the polo shirt industry, but Christ on a crying cooch. Michelle Duggar's head gives birth to a gorgeous fall of crunchy curls and a wave of luscious bangs every morning. Isn't that enough for her?

They really need to name their 20th child JooKnowYouNeedToStop.