BABIES!!!

Yesterday, my ass posted a little story about how Jude Law's one-night-fuck turned baby mama, Samantha Burke, sold the first pictures of her baby for $300k to Hello! Magazine. Well, here's the cover of Hello! starring (warning: clear your throat before you read this) 24-year-old Samantha and her adorable bag of money. In the issue, Samantha tells her "amazing story." I'll save your eyeballs the trouble and give you the Cliffs Notes version.

Basically, Samantha rode on Jude Law's raw peenus and one of his jizz fishies fed itself to her lady egg thus creating a fetus! Then Samantha pushed out her baby girl, slapped a price tag on her ass and sold her off to a magazine. The End. You're totally amazed, right?

And Baby Sophia needs a DRANK! Homegirl looks like she'd rather be watching Sky Captain on a loop than pose for the cover of a magazine. But at least we got to see that Sophia inherited her daddy's hairline (or lack thereof).

VIA Daily Mail

So your checking account is crying because its HONGRAY and you've got Jude Law's shiny new baby friend in your arms. What's a self-respecting gold digger to do? You do the math.

All you have to do is polish that baby and push her out on the ho stroll! And that's exactly what Samantha Burke is doing.

The Daily Mail reports that Samantha sold the first pictures her daughter Sophia to the highest bidder. Samantha's agent confirms that Hello! Magazine snatched up the pictures and interview for around $300,000. A source said that Samantha has kept her baby under lock and key so that paps wouldn't get any shots of her, "Samantha may have got pregnant by accident but she’s a smart businesswoman. The child has rarely left the house since her birth and when Samantha has had to take her out for some reason or the other, her face is carefully covered."

The first time Jude ever lays eyes on his new baby is probably when she's on the cover of Hello! Magazine since he hasn't gone down to Florida to visit her.

While my wallet fucking heart applauds Samantha for making that money, I have to say that she needs to think bigger. Magazine pictures are for amateurs. Everyone is doing that. Samantha needs to put baby Sophia out on tour! Sophia can sit on stage goo goo and ga ga-ing for two hours. Shit, it sounds more entertaining than watching Jude Law in Hamlet.

And yes, everything I know about parenting I learned from Joe Jackson.

Alan Thicke and Gloria Loring will soon have fresh baby barf all over their clothes and slobber on their cheeks, because their son Robin is going to be daaaaaaaaaaaaddy. Really, the mating is getting out of control.

UsWeekly reports that Robin Thicke and his wife Paula Patton made their first baby together. I know it's too early to throw around names, but if he doesn't name their baby Dr. Jason Seaver Jr. (even if she's a girl), I will question his loyalty as a SON!

And honestly, this post was just an excuse to put up Alan's Playgirl cover. Unfortunately, we don't get to see if Alan's thick. GONG!

Here's Nicole Richie and six-week-old (Note: take a breath deep) Sparrow James Midnight Madden on the cover of People "Who Sell Their Babeh Pitchers For A Quick Buck" Magazine.

It looks like nobody has told Baby Sparrow what his name is yet. Because if he knew, he wouldn't be smiling with his eyes (aka smizin'). He would be "shanking every bitch in the room" with his eyes.

Hopefully, Nicole and Joel keep that little fact from him for as long as they can, so he will remain innocent and pure. They should call him Row Jam for short. The minute he knows his parents named him Sparrow, he will become a jaded, bitter, life-hating grouch who shakes his fist at anyone not named Sparrow. So basically, his best friends will be birds. That's doesn't sound that bad actually.

Jermaine Jackson's ex-wife Alejandra Jackson filed a lawsuit against him because she claims he has stopped paying child support for his two kids, Jermajesty (I really can't with that name) and Jaffar (that one too). According to TMZ, Alejandra says that Jermaine claims that he only made $35k in 2008, but that must be a lie since he's still living in a fancy house and driving a fancy car. Fancy Jermaine is keeping his kids unfancy. That's not right.

In the documents, Alejandra states that Jermaine owes $35,500 in child support. Alejandra is in such a bad way that Jermaine's own mother helps her out by giving her gift cards to Ralph's grocery store so that she can buy food for the boys.

Okay, how is Jermaine going to do his kids like that? That greasy nugget already committed child abuse by naming them his boys Jermajesty and Jaffar, and now he's not going to put food in their mouths?! A dude with a name like Jermajesty should be sleeping on a throne made of solid gold and eating truffles wrapped in Filet Mignon. Jermajesty better change his name to Jerpauper! How dreadful.

Fun fact: Alejandra is the pass-around-pussay of the Jackson family, because she also has three kids with Randy (ESCANDALO!!!). Bitch probably thought she would be swimming in dollars by getting with, count 'em, TWO Jacksons. Homegirl got checked! (insert sad gold digger face here)

If you have a phobia of trains, babies, strollers or surveillance footage, don't watch this clip. While Balloon Boy was off becoming world famous, a baby in Australia got ran over by a train and lived to tell the tale! In fact, the baby only suffered a small bump on the head. Cut to Paris Hilton saying, "Pfft. I get a train ran on me weekly."

How long do you think it's going to take before the media makes Train Baby the star of the moment? You know he's going to star in a remake of While You Were Sleeping.

(Thanks Joe)

According to DNA tests, Keanu Reeves is not the father of four grown-ups after all.

A permanent resident of Crazy Town (Mayor: Claire Cruise) who goes by the name of Karen Sala filed papers claiming that Keanu's sperm fish humped on her eggs four times. Karen's kids (no relation) are all adults now, but she was still hitting Keanu up for $150,000 in child support retroactive to June 1988 and $3 million a month in spousal support retroactive from November 2006. Karen might have been married to Keanu in her head, but it was never made legal. Keanu still claims that he's never ever met Karen in real-life. Keanu only agreed to let his peen spit in a cup, so that everyone would know he didn't knock up that loon.

So this means we're not going to get a Keanu & Karen Plus Four reality show after all. Booo. It would've made my whole life year month week to see Keanu's hobo ass pushing around four adults dressed as BABEHS in strollers. Oh, wells.

But wait! Peep that baby bump on Krazy Karen's chin. Homegirl should get that tested, because there's a good chance Cameron Diaz is that pimple baby's father. Get that money, Karen!

In other news, four Canadian adults just changed their last names from Sala to NotASala.

Source

At the Hollywood Style Awards on Sunday, Pamela Anderson showed up with a 9-year-old girl who spent the entire night holding her train and tending to her needs. The girl's name is Adelaide Gault and she's the daughter of some famous make-up artist-type. According to Page Six, guests were shocked to see Pamela treat the little girl like a damn slave. Who does she think she is? Kathie Lee?!

One guest said, "She didn't even have her own seat and had to sit at Pamela's feet, where people nearly stepped on her to get to the stage. The girl looked uncomfortable and kept tugging on her dress to get her attention, but Pamela waved her away. And, after she presented David LaChapelle with an award onstage, she shouted 'daughter' in front of the whole auditorium, and slapped her leg like she was calling a puppy. The girl rushed up to grab her train."

Not only was the poor girl forced to pull Pamela's train (FREE CLINIC ALERT), but imagine having to stare into Pam's toxic abyss? The girl was probably left confused, because Pam's coochie coo kept smacking at her. It was trying to say, "HEEEEELP MEEEE!," but the open sores in its mouth made it hard for it to get the words out. That girl will never EVER be able to eat a gryo with extra yogurt sauce again.

On the other hand, I like Pam's way of thinking. Kids are so damn lazy these days. We need to put them to work. You're probably straining your wrists while sipping on that cup of coffee right now. Imagine having a child at your side who can hold that cup for you and bring it to your lips whenever you get thirstay. It would make life so much easier.

And you know that little girl used Pam's dress to escape from her 2nd floor bedroom window later on in the night.

(Image: Adriana M. Barraza / WENN.com)

Heidi Klum's crotch will no longer be in the shadow of her enormous belly, because she finally birthed one of those baby things early this morning. Heidi's crotch can finally get some sun. Yipeee.

Radar says that Heidi and Seal's second baby friend (her third) has a vagina and they named her Lou Samuel.

You know, I didn't smack my lips or rotate my eyes when reading that name, so it's fine by me. I actually like old man names for little girls. Think about it. A girl in a pink dress and pig tails with the name Horrice, Angus or Clarence is pretty damn adorable.....if you're stoned.

However, I'm not sure if it works with boys too. We should put it to the test. The first one of you who pops out a boy, better name him Bertha or Myrtle. Tell me how that goes.

The Duggar family added another BABY!!! to their unstoppable child army last night. The oldest Duggar child, Joshua, and his wife, Ann, are now the parents of a brand new baby friend they named Mackynzie Renée Duggar. Mackynzie (pronounced: SAVE ME) is the first Duggar grandchild. Mackynzie's grandparents, Michelle and Jim Bob, are going to have their 19th baby this spring.

It's not really news that another Duggar popped out a baby. Humans comes shooting out of a Duggar cooch on a daily basis. This time next month, I'm sure the Duggars will announce that Mackynzie is knocked up with triplets. There's something in the Kool-Aid over there and they all keep drinking it!

When you get a cramp in your uterus, it's because one of the Duggars got knocked up again. Your uterus is weeping.

Anyway, the real news it that Joshua and Anna might going after the letter "M." As you might know, Michelle and Jim Bob always give their children "J" names. This means that Joshua and Anna could do the same thing with the letter "M." NOOOOO!

All of us with "M" names should file a class-action lawsuit against the Duggars. We must protect the letter from them. If that doesn't work, I guess I can officially change my name to my junior high school nickname: Dyke-el. Thanks to the Duggars, the bullies have won.

Source: MSNBC