BABIES!!!

They teach you at Planned Parenthood that KFed's almighty sperm can break through brick walls and knock up a toaster, so if you're going to fuck with him you better wear a diaphragm made out of kryptonite. It seems that Victoria Prince didn't listen, because word on the block is that she's carrying the latest spawn of KFED.

According to the National Enquirer (via Popcrunch), Victoria recently found out she's got a case of the babies after spending a weekend in Las Vegas with KFed. I can't believe they found time to do it with all the distractions of Las Vegas around them. And by distractions, I mean the buffets. Also, how the hell did she find the dick?! Victoria is a regular Marco Polo. Anyways....

Some source said, “The test was positive. She told Kevin that she was pregnant, but he didn’t seem happy to hear the news.”

If this is true, Victoria is carrying KFed's fifth child.

As far as I know, I don't have any baby baking parts and I still wouldn't bounce on KFed unless I was okay with a baby popping out of me in 9 months. Hos should even be afraid to give him a hand job, because his super powerful pre-cum could seep into their pores and travel to their ovaries. The jizz ain't a joke.

The pharmaceutical companies better start working overtime to stock up on painkillers and anti-depressants, because I have a feeling that Mel Gibson's new daughter is going to need most of their stock in a few years to deal with being...well...Mel Gibson's daughter.

Radar reports that Mel's girlfriend (and one of my gold digging heroes) Oksana Grigorieva gave birth to a daughter on Friday. Oksana claimed she wasn't due until December, so if the reports are true, baby came waaaaaaay early. Or maybe Oksana is doing that new kind of math (aka whoregebra).

A source added that Mel's new daughter is healthy and is already at home. Yeah, already at home and trying to make an escape rope out of her bed sheets and bibs.

Unfortunately, we don't know a name yet, but I'm guessing Mel went with Jackeline Daniels Sugartits Jesus Gibson. Jackeline Daniels is the second child for Oksana (she has a son with Timmy Dalton) and Mel's EIGHTH.

Eight is definitely enough for Mel. Seriously, I think a "Neuter Mel Gibson" measure will be on the ballot in California tomorrow. VOTE YES!

UPDATE: Mel's spokeswhore confirms that a new Gibson crawls amongst us. Mel and Oksana have named her Lucia. (People)

(Image: Pacific Coast News)

The Polish papers have already reported this weeks ago that Colin Farrell has a brand new son, but now it's confirmed. Colin's spokeswhore says that his girlfriend, Polish actress Alicja Bachleda, popped out their first baby together on October 7th.

Colin and Alicja actually gave their kid a normal name. A name that doesn't cause your eyes to do the hustle. They named him Henry Tadeusz Farrell. I know. What the hell kind of GD celebrities do Colin and Alicja think they are? They better enroll him in a celebkid-free school, because if they don't, Sparrow and Bronx will make fun of him for having a name like Henry. That might have been a Twilight Zone episode.

Anyway, this is Colin's second kid. He has a 6-year-old son with Kim Bordenave named James.

Colin and Alicja met while filming a movie together. Two seconds later, Colin threw a jizz ball her way and she got knocked up. At this rate, Colin will have 6 kiddies and just as many baby mamas by the time he's 40. Keep fucking that chicken, Colin!

Source: Associated Press

Here's The Real Housewives of New Jersey's Teresa and Jacqueline with their brand new baby friends, Audriana and Nicholas, in this week's InTouch Weekly. No, those babies are not wearing Halloween costumes. This is their real-life-wear. Okay, Nicholas' "Ode to Brad Pitt" ensemble isn't that bad, but Audriana looks like an Anne Geddes photo shoot.

According to Teresa, I'm alone in my opinions on her baby styling skills. Teresa said, "They’re girlie-girls. They all love clothes and fashion. Everyone loves the way I dress my kids and asks where I buy the clothes. When we go shopping, they know what they like. We like Stage Left in Franklin Lakes, New Jersey, and Neiman Marcus. I’ve noticed that a lot of celebrities dress their kids very plain and simple. The baby that they say has style is Tom Cruise’s daughter, Suri, but that’s not really my style. I’m a little hipper. The producers say the way I dress the girls reminds them of Kimora Lee Simmons’ daughters."

The producers or a bunch of liars, because the way she dresses her girls reminds me of a Bath & Body Works gift basket. Teresa's the one who should be wearing a giant shower puff on her head, so it will cover up her "Gorillas in the Mist" forehead.

Samantha Burke sold off the first pictures of her baby with Jude Law to Hello! Magazine for$300,000. This had a lot of whores (including yours truly) screaming about how she's selling out her baby so she can roll around in wads of cash. Well, Samantha bounced on her website to set the record straight:

I can confirm that after months of constant requests from the media, I decided to share pictures of myself and Sophia with Hello! Magazine. Both Sophia and I were compensated for the photographs, and will donate a portion of the compensation to the Ronald McDonald House to assist with the completion of their new facility in Pensacola, FL. The majority of the compensation, paid to Sophia, will be placed in trust for her secondary education and well-being. I’m thrilled with the pictures of Sophia and pleased to announce that she is healthy, happy and deeply loved.

SAMMY STOP! Putting a quarter in those plastic boxes in front of the McDonald's cash register does not count!

But if Samantha is telling the whole truth, it makes sense why Baby Sophia has a "THIS BITCH" face. Working for free doesn't exactly inspire a smile.

VIA Just Jared

Yesterday, my ass posted a little story about how Jude Law's one-night-fuck turned baby mama, Samantha Burke, sold the first pictures of her baby for $300k to Hello! Magazine. Well, here's the cover of Hello! starring (warning: clear your throat before you read this) 24-year-old Samantha and her adorable bag of money. In the issue, Samantha tells her "amazing story." I'll save your eyeballs the trouble and give you the Cliffs Notes version.

Basically, Samantha rode on Jude Law's raw peenus and one of his jizz fishies fed itself to her lady egg thus creating a fetus! Then Samantha pushed out her baby girl, slapped a price tag on her ass and sold her off to a magazine. The End. You're totally amazed, right?

And Baby Sophia needs a DRANK! Homegirl looks like she'd rather be watching Sky Captain on a loop than pose for the cover of a magazine. But at least we got to see that Sophia inherited her daddy's hairline (or lack thereof).

VIA Daily Mail

So your checking account is crying because its HONGRAY and you've got Jude Law's shiny new baby friend in your arms. What's a self-respecting gold digger to do? You do the math.

All you have to do is polish that baby and push her out on the ho stroll! And that's exactly what Samantha Burke is doing.

The Daily Mail reports that Samantha sold the first pictures her daughter Sophia to the highest bidder. Samantha's agent confirms that Hello! Magazine snatched up the pictures and interview for around $300,000. A source said that Samantha has kept her baby under lock and key so that paps wouldn't get any shots of her, "Samantha may have got pregnant by accident but she’s a smart businesswoman. The child has rarely left the house since her birth and when Samantha has had to take her out for some reason or the other, her face is carefully covered."

The first time Jude ever lays eyes on his new baby is probably when she's on the cover of Hello! Magazine since he hasn't gone down to Florida to visit her.

While my wallet fucking heart applauds Samantha for making that money, I have to say that she needs to think bigger. Magazine pictures are for amateurs. Everyone is doing that. Samantha needs to put baby Sophia out on tour! Sophia can sit on stage goo goo and ga ga-ing for two hours. Shit, it sounds more entertaining than watching Jude Law in Hamlet.

And yes, everything I know about parenting I learned from Joe Jackson.

Alan Thicke and Gloria Loring will soon have fresh baby barf all over their clothes and slobber on their cheeks, because their son Robin is going to be daaaaaaaaaaaaddy. Really, the mating is getting out of control.

UsWeekly reports that Robin Thicke and his wife Paula Patton made their first baby together. I know it's too early to throw around names, but if he doesn't name their baby Dr. Jason Seaver Jr. (even if she's a girl), I will question his loyalty as a SON!

And honestly, this post was just an excuse to put up Alan's Playgirl cover. Unfortunately, we don't get to see if Alan's thick. GONG!

Here's Nicole Richie and six-week-old (Note: take a breath deep) Sparrow James Midnight Madden on the cover of People "Who Sell Their Babeh Pitchers For A Quick Buck" Magazine.

It looks like nobody has told Baby Sparrow what his name is yet. Because if he knew, he wouldn't be smiling with his eyes (aka smizin'). He would be "shanking every bitch in the room" with his eyes.

Hopefully, Nicole and Joel keep that little fact from him for as long as they can, so he will remain innocent and pure. They should call him Row Jam for short. The minute he knows his parents named him Sparrow, he will become a jaded, bitter, life-hating grouch who shakes his fist at anyone not named Sparrow. So basically, his best friends will be birds. That's doesn't sound that bad actually.

Jermaine Jackson's ex-wife Alejandra Jackson filed a lawsuit against him because she claims he has stopped paying child support for his two kids, Jermajesty (I really can't with that name) and Jaffar (that one too). According to TMZ, Alejandra says that Jermaine claims that he only made $35k in 2008, but that must be a lie since he's still living in a fancy house and driving a fancy car. Fancy Jermaine is keeping his kids unfancy. That's not right.

In the documents, Alejandra states that Jermaine owes $35,500 in child support. Alejandra is in such a bad way that Jermaine's own mother helps her out by giving her gift cards to Ralph's grocery store so that she can buy food for the boys.

Okay, how is Jermaine going to do his kids like that? That greasy nugget already committed child abuse by naming them his boys Jermajesty and Jaffar, and now he's not going to put food in their mouths?! A dude with a name like Jermajesty should be sleeping on a throne made of solid gold and eating truffles wrapped in Filet Mignon. Jermajesty better change his name to Jerpauper! How dreadful.

Fun fact: Alejandra is the pass-around-pussay of the Jackson family, because she also has three kids with Randy (ESCANDALO!!!). Bitch probably thought she would be swimming in dollars by getting with, count 'em, TWO Jacksons. Homegirl got checked! (insert sad gold digger face here)