Sean Penn and Robin Wright's yo-yo of a marriage is back down again. Robin Wright has once again filed for divorce for the third damn time. Third time's a charm?
People says that Robin filed for The Big D on August 12th in Marin County, CA. They list "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for their split. Translation: Sean Penn still won't give up the bad shit and random pussy.
The documents also state that they will share custody of their 16-year-old son Hopper Jack. Robin is not asking for spousal support.
You know the ho at the court who handles the divorce papers is sick of seeing both of their names. Bitch just rolls her eyes, smacks her gum, stamps that shit and keeps it close just in case they change their minds again. For real, bitch should start up the paper shredder, because it won't be long before Robin and Sean take it all back. But for Robin's sake, I hope it sticks this time.
I watch a lot of Cops, so I feel like I've heard every excuse in the book when a junkhead is caught with the bad shit in their purse, pockets or puss. But I've never heard this one before. Khloe Kardashian tells Life & Style that a vial of White Oprah's favorite nose duster found in her purse wasn't hers and she got creative when explaining how it got there.
Khloe said, "It was in a vial at our new store, Dash Miami, and at first I didn’t even know what it was. My employee was picking up a pile of clothes that customers had tried on, and it fell out. She called me into the dressing room, and it was in a little glass vial. I was leaving the dressing room, and a lot of customers walked in. I didn’t know what to do, so I threw it in my purse. I was like, 'I’ll dispose of this in a second,' and I went to help them. Then I forgot about it."
Yes, Khloe is slapping us in the face with her limp dick and telling us it's erect. Bitch should really teach a class at the Learning Annex on Creative Lie-Telling. Khloe is supposed to be the "smart" Kardashian (fart), so if she came across a vial of coke that wasn't hers, I'm sure she would either: a) hide it in her nose, b) hide it in her pee hole, c) hide it in her a-hole or d) EAT IT.
Khloe, who is currently on probation for a DUI, said if she could do it all over again, she'd run to the bathroom and pour it down the toilet. Translation: She'd run to the bathroom and pour it down her throat.
In other Kardashian news you can lose, Kourtney's mystery baby daddy has been revealed! The daddy is her ex-boyfriend Scott who is now her boyfriend. There you go. You can release your ass cheeks and let your no-no breathe again.
If your name is Maddox, Zahara, Shiloh, the Twin Messiahs, that other one or if your haircut was more famous than you were in the 90s, then you might want to close your eyes and think of unicorns instead of reading this. Two seconds ago, Willy Pitt did an interview with Parade where he said the grotto in his backyard is a great place to bump holes. So of course someone was going to ask him about that shit at the Inglorious Bastards (my spell check won out) premiere the other night.
When Extra (via UsWeekly) asked about that special sexy time place, St. Angie answered, "Yeah, well, we got a few special places." Then Brad said, "It's not true. We have far more comfortable places to go. There is a grotto there. It's an old Hollywood property... just a few minutes that way... and rumor is Jimi Hendrix spent some time there. That's the story. I run with it."
I'm sure the secret places include an extra fluffy patch of clouds near the gate's of heaven. And if they are feeling extra raunchy, they do it under the pool table in God's gentleman's lounge. Also, Brad has been known to tickle St. Angie's cruciclit on the Last Supper table. Hell, here I cooooome and my abuelita will co-sign that.
Extra also asked St. Angie on her thoughts about Brad calling her his "soulmate." She responded, "That is very cool. Well, he's mine. It is what it is." Queef.
Vanessa Hudgen's Disney nipples made an encore appearance on the internet last week and you know Dane Cook printed out a dozen copies of those pictures and laminated them for his future enjoyment. Dane's wang skin is probably barely growing back after he rubbed it raw from smacking it so much while looking at Vanessa's tittays. But at last night's Teen Choice Awards, Dane tried to play like he wanted her to cover up. Motherfucker, pleeeeeease.
Dane came out, asked Vanessa to show herself and then suddenly turned into Marla Gibbs when he said, "Gurl, you gots to keep yo clothes on. Phonez are for phone calls, gurl."
The funniest part is at the beginning when Vanessa gets all excited after Dane shouts her name. Vanessa is wagging her tail, thinking she's going to get some kind of prize (a new camera phone, maybe?) and then...SMACK! Dane hits her with the nekkid joke. Vanessa tries to do her best bitchface (Professor MiserAlba gives her an F minus), but didn't really pull it off.
Zac Efron probably thought to himself, "Yeah, she really should keep her clothes on, because it makes me feel awkward in the privates when she takes it all off."
Above is a screen shot of Claire Elisabeth Fields Cruise's Facebook page. Claire was filed three guardianship petitions in L.A. for all three of Michael Jackson's kids. Claire says SHE IS THE MOTHER. TMZ says that Claire is also queefing that she's married to Michael Jackson, but currently engaged to Blanket's biological father. And the lunatic frosting on the crazy cake is that Claire also swears she's the baby mama of one of Tommy Girl's kids.
I really don't need to comment on any of this since Claire's dog's face in the picture above is saying everything I need to say and more. That is the look of a dog who spends his afternoons sniffing the floor for Valium pills and trying to escape by flushing himself down the toilet. I fully co-sign and notarize his "Y ME" look.
And does Claire really want to rumble with a big ass butchie in a Three Wolf Moon t-shirt? Claire will be farting out Timberlands for months.
In other "Maury Should Get On This" news, Mark Lester (the dude from the Oliver! movie) is apparently saying that he never claimed to be Paris Jackson's biological father. Over the weekend, the esteemed journals of truths known as The News of the World ran an interview with Mark where he allegedly said he believed the jizz he donated to Michael was used to make Paris. A source close to the Jackson family told People, "They twisted his words around. He's not claiming to be the father of Paris Jackson." They OLIVER TWISTED him! I'm sorry, I'll see myself out.
The roach motel door is open and here they come trying to get a piece! Mark Lester, the ho who played the title role in the Oliver! movie, has tap danced over to the News of the World and told them that he believes he is Paris Jackson's biological father. Maury, please get the dustpan and deal with these SCRAGS BITCHES!
Mark Lester has been a friend of Michael Jackson's for years and is even his children's godfather. Mark says that Michael complained about not being able to do sexy times with anyone, because he was too scared. Michael apparently told Mark that he wanted to have children, but didn't think he could do it the natural way. That's when Mark offered up his jizz in a bottle and Michael took him up on the offer. About two years later, Debbie Rowe gave birth to Paris. Mark said Michael never told him who Paris' biological father is. As Paris grew up, Mark slowly started to believe that they were related by blood, because she looks just like his now 15-year-old daughter Harriet.
Mark said, "Paris is very pale, with blue eyes. All my daughters, apart from my eldest, are fair with blue eyes. So many people have commented on how alike Harriet and Paris look. Our families often holidayed together and staff, especially nannies, watching the children play together would say how similar the two girls looked."
The last time Mark saw Michael was in London this past March. Mark also spoke to Paris at Michael's memorial in Los Angeles and he said he feels a bond with her. Mark wants
some cold hard cash to know the truth, so he's willing to undergo a paternity test. Mark has tried to call Katherine Jackson, but she won't return his calls. The only thing he really wants is to be in those kids' lives. Mark ended with, "I feel it's important. I love those kids so much. We've had great times together. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing speaking out. But I'm not trying to make any claim on anything. Even if it's proven Paris is biologically mine I wouldn't see her as anything other than Michael's daughter. He raised her."
Below is a side-by-side of Paris and Mark's daughter Harriet when she was 11. Personally, I don't see it AT ALL, but I also don't have sparkly dollar signs blinding my vision.
And La Toya, you know what you need to do, girl. Put on your deerstalker cap, get out your magnifying glass and drag your Bloodhound to London, because you need to GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!
This terrifying photo of Jon Gosselin on InTouch is even making Shiloh sad. SAD SHILOH. Think of the messiahs!
It looks like they lazily sprayed Jon's face with a caramel frosting mist, stuck some swap meet-bought contacts into his eyes to cover up the blood shotties and then finished him off by dabbing his lips with Saaphyri's Lip Chap mixed with the thick tears from his nutsack. The end result is even making Kate Gosselin's possum head flash the sign of the cross while hissing in fear.
Anytheyshouldveshoppedabiggernutsackonhim, Jon also gave an interview to InTouch where he says Kate QUIT his ass and Hailey is the only trick he's banging on the regular. Here's some highlights. And by "highlights," I mean "grosslights."
Why did she want to break up?
I think she initiated the split because she wanted a career. Maybe I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, and she was going to move on regardless. I said, “Are you sure about this?”
Did you want to work it out?
Yes, I asked, “What do I have to do to mend the relationship? What did I do wrong?” I was beating myself up about it. So I read a lot of books about personalities, like The Five Love Languages. Throughout the marriage, I felt like my personality had changed a lot. In December, I went to therapy. I asked Kate to come, but she didn’t want to. She said, “If you have a problem, go fix it.”
When did you and Kate start living separate lives?
We went to Utah on January 1. On January 12, she flew back with security and I stayed. That’s when I started to just hang out and meet people, and feel free. Not too many girls, just with my guy friends. I couldn’t do that for nine years. When I came back on the 17th, Kate and I weren’t talking. So I just said, “I’m moving out of the house,” and that was it.
What was your first relationship?
Hailey — it started around May. She is the polar opposite of Kate. It’s really different. I feel good about myself and people see my good qualities. I’m not being put down. If I want to go out with my friends, Hailey says, “Oh, go out.” I’m not used to that. I was used to, “No, no, it’s your fault.” Sometimes I ask Hailey permission, like I used to do with Kate, and she says, “You don’t have to ask permission.” I was used to living like that, and now it’s like a breath of fresh air. You can have a balanced relationship but also spend time with your friends.
How did you fall in love with Hailey?
We started talking and got along well. I started getting really attracted to her, like, on the phone. She really listened to me and took in what I was saying. Then she came back to her parents’ house in May and I went up to see her. We hit it off. It was great. She is amazing.
Kate Major said she was dating you.
I felt like, “Okay, I have a cool new person in New York and we can just go out for dinner.” Then it was a conflict of interest with her work. I have always been true to Hailey.
When will you introduce Hailey as your girlfriend to the kids?
I think it would have to be after the divorce is finalized. I can’t just show up with Hailey. I think we all need a little routine in our lives. Right now, it’s helter-skelter. Once there is a routine, we’ll start off slowly, like going out to dinner. We are dealing with eight different personalities, and they will each handle it in different ways. They may never be comfortable.
Jon, please borrow on of your kids' old binkies and go bawl by yourself in the corner. This whole "wah wah wah" act is about to expire. Yes, Kate is the cunt of all cunts, but nobody puts a gun to his crotch and made him stay for so long. Actually, maybe she did. I wouldn't put it past her.
And I hope Jon introduces Hailey to his child army soon rather than later. Because I can't wait for the very special episode of Jon H8s Kate where Hailey shows the children how to make a bong using an apple during craft time. YAY!
A new PSA (Pissy Service Announcement) running in Brazil is urging everyone in the country to go ahead and let the urine flow while you're conditioning your hair! SOS Mata, the environmental group responsible for the ad, says that 4,380 liters of water can be saved a year if every household didn't flush their toilet at least once a day. They even suggest that you make it a non-stop partying by brushing your teeth in the shower while you wash your nalgas and go pissy times. And if you're really feeling it, tickle the genitals while you're in there. Clean up is a snap! You'll save a baby wipe too (sorry Terrence).
You know, I've never had a problem with turning on the skin faucet in the shower, but I once dated some dude who was totally against it! Yeah, dude didn't have a problem using his tongue as a tong to toss the salad, but pissing in the shower was repulsive to him. If he had to go while in the shower, he would open up the curtain, piss into the toilet and then flush. It was that serious. I told his ass that there was a good chance the piss traveled through pipes and trickled out of the shower head onto his head. Dude was partaking in a little golden shower action whether he liked it or not!
P.S. - King Kong (at the 0:35 mark) should be arrested for pee peeing on people's heads without their written consent.
If you're a Brangaloonie, then your desk is probably covered in mouth cum, because this interview with Jennifer Aniston with Elle Magazine is like a juicy delicious steak cooked just for you (and blessed St. Angie herself.) Get out your A1, because Jennifer talks about how she's fine with being known as the miserable loser who spends her Saturday nights pretending to give birth to her real baby doll while her husband (aka a cardboard cut out of Brad Pitt from Fight Club) watches on.
Jenny said, "I'm not going to ignore the pink elephant in the living room. It's fine. I can take it. If I'm the emblem for 'this is what it looks like to be the lonely girl getting on with her life,' so be it. I can make fun of myself. And I'll bring it up as long as the world is bringing it up."
She also talked about the day her mother told her she was fugly in the face. Basically. "I remember being 7 and asking my mom if I was as pretty as [my best friend] Monique. And with all the love in the world, my mom looked at me and said, 'Oh, honey, you're so funny.' So, she doesn't lie to me . . . She answers the question by not answering and instead tells me what she thinks is my greatest strength."
You know, Jenny is always whining about how she's Susan Boyle of America and blah...blah..blah, but homegirl knows that's how she's making zillions of dollars. Maybe she has us all fooled? Maybe she has a husband and 3 kids living in her basement, but keeps them a secret because she knows she has to continue to play the role of "old maid."
HoHan got herself a new fried peroxide mop of straw and she also got herself a new job that pays actual money! Yes, her dealer doesn't have to report her to the collection agency of his choice, because it looks like that bill is going to get paid!
And this job doesn't involve making milkshakes or hawking tan phlegm. No, HoHan landed a role in Robert Rodriguez's next movie Machete. She Twattered the news yesterday. Hopefully for her, this one isn't going to premiere on a Saturday at 2am on Public Access or go directly to a Dollar Tree discount bin.
The movie starts filming in Austin in 2 weeks. According to IMDB, this is the plot:
"Federale Machete is hired by some unsavory types to assassinate a senator. But just as he's about to take the shot, he notices someone aiming at him and realizes he's been set up. He barely survives the sniper's bullet, and is soon out for revenge on his former employers, with the reluctant assistance of his old friend, who has become a priest and taken a vow of nonviolence. If you hire him to take out the bad guys, make sure the bad guys aren't you!"
This shit also stars Danny Trejo and Michelle Rodriguez. Robert DeNiro, Jonah Hill and Steven Seagal are still in talks to take a role. And yes, Michelle Rodriguez and HoHan on the same film set. Austin is going to run out of the bad shit and someone's vagina lip is going to get torn in a freak coochie bumping accident. It's inevitable.
Here's HoHan trolling around yesterday and also some pictures of her and SamRo being trash outside of 7-Eleven on Thursday. HoHan says that she went back to blonde for the movie role. So I'm guessing she's playing White Oprah in this shit?