Joe Jackson can stop trying to produce a remake of Home Alone starring Blanket Jackson, because Macaulay Culkin is not his biological father. Earlier today, The Sun wrote up an interesting fairy tale about how Macaulay donated sperm which was used to conceive Blanket. Side-eyes galore!
TMZ contacted Macaulay's rep who said this: "The inquiries are too preposterous for us to even acknowledge."
Yes, his rep used the word "preposterous." Yes, his rep might be Mary Poppins. Yes, spokeswhores should definitely use the word "preposterous" more often.
Here's your daily dose of Michael Jackson fanfiction courtesy of The Sun! They have it on good authority (aka the visions they saw after dropping acid while watching The Good Son) that Macaulay Culkin is Blanket Jackson's biological father. Even Claire Cruise has filed this under CRAAAAZY TALK.
A source said that 29-year-old Macaulay donated sperm which was used to create 7-year-old Blanket. The source went on to fart, "This isn't just chitter-chatter, even Culkin suspects he's Blanket's father. So many names have been mentioned as prospective dads, and this is probably the wackiest yet. But Jackson and Culkin were best friends. He was one of the few people Jackson really trusted and Mack never let him down. Really, Jackson idolised him - that's why he asked Mack to donate sperm. Deep down, I think he always wished Mack was his son. Creating Blanket was the next best thing."
Macaulay, who is godfather to two of Michael's children, has yet to comment on death of Michael Jackson. And of course, he wouldn't comment on this mess. Maybe he used it to wipe his ass after a serious bowel movement, but he didn't issue any statements about it.
I should've seen the Macaulay rumors from a million miles away. Expect to see this headline in the next edition of Weekly World News: EXCLUSIVE! Linus van Pelt is Blanket's true biological father! Actually, I'd believe that one.
Truth is, I'm only posting these pictures of Cisco Adler with his piece in Malibu, because it gives me yet another reason to link to (SAFE FOR EVERYONE.... I'm lying...NSFW) a picture of his Slinky sacks. Every pair of eyeballs on this planet must view Cisco's looooong "hamsters in a hammock" nutsack at least TWICE (double your displeasure).
To answer my own question, yes, I'd hit it. Well, I want to see those things in action. But I wouldn't let him hit it from the back. Those things could wrap around and bust one of my eyes out or punch me in the stomach. Actually, it's probably best that you wear a full-body armor suit (with a hole for your fuck part) when taking on Cisco's wrecking ballsack.
And if 10-mile long balls aren't your thing, I also threw in some pictures of Jockey-lover Gavin Rossdale on the same beach as Cisco.
Noel Gallagher packed up his ego (in 3 dozen trunks and 25 refrigerator boxes) and walked out on Oasis last night and he claims this is the end of the end.
Oasis was supposed to play the Rock en Siene festival in Paris last night, but a few minutes before, the crowd was told that the show was canceled due to an "altercation" with the band members. That altercation turned out to be a cunt battle between Noel and Liam. Yeah, squeeze your ass cheeks and try to feel surprised.
The Sun says that one of their regular fights turned into a an all-out bitch war ending with Liam smashing one of Noel's guitars. That was Noel's cue to exit Liam's LIFE. Noel didn't miss one beat and quickly posted this little queef-covered statement on Oasis' website (I guess they didn't lock his ass out yet):
"It's with some sadness and great relief to tell you that I quit Oasis tonight. People will write and say what they like, but I simply could not go on working with Liam a day longer."
Apologies to all the people who bought tickets for the shows in Paris, Konstanz and Milan."
And this is how Liam feels about it all:
I think it's safe to say that we all co-sign that response.
McSteamy and Rebecca Gayfart are going to have a baby. That's what Life & Style is saying. Sources say that the stars of the most boring celebrity "nekkid tape" of all-time are expecting one of those baby things in 5-6 months. Insert your very own customized "smackhead child killah is going to be a mom" joke here.
This source said that they have been trying to spawn for a while now and Rebecca even turned down highly important roles (sarcasm) in order to focus on getting pregnant. The source added, "She turned down the role of Penn Badgley's mother on 'Gossip Girl' because it was based in N.Y.C. and she didn't want to be away from Eric or travel that far. It was bad for her health. Rebecca also turned down a Hallmark movie and a Lifetime movie because she was trying to have a baby."
McGayfart have yet to confirm or deny this, so this could just be a rumor they magically conjured up to take the focus off of their bunk ass tape. You know what else they could've done to take the focus off that audacity? Leak a tape with actual fucking! I mean, that tape was a health hazard, because it gave bitches everywhere a serious case of blue balls. We're still waiting, McSteamy.....
VIA Ace Showbiz
Last week, there was a mind-boggling important story about Brangie buying gerbils in France for their chirruns. Yeah, I know you already tattooed that story to the inside of your brain, so you can remember it for all time and forever. It's that important. Well, a week later, here's the pictures and they are equally (if not more) important! Go ahead and cancel your plans for the rest of the day, so you can print out all these pictures out and put them in your family album. That's not funny, because you know some Brangaloonies do that.
Why does Brad continue to dress like a pepaw mechanic who cleaned up real swell to go have dinner at the Sizzler? And why is Saint Angelina wearing a dress made from a saloon lamp in my grandma's "fancy" living room?
And in the last thumbnail, those gerbils don't look that excited about the possibility of being adopted by the chosen ones. They probably aren't looking forward to spending the rest of their days wearing all-black.
Over the weekend, Blohan's Casa de Crackie was broken into and thieves snatched a safe as well as some other crap. Michael Lohan put on his obvious cap and said he believes it was an inside job. Michael plans to get to the bottom of it! Don't worry, Detective La Toya isn't going to waste her stellar investigative skills on this case. It's way too obvious for her.
Yesterday, Blohan co-signed her father's claim on Twatter: "that's how i know it was not a ROBBERY. electronics weren't taken... just things that a certain old friend knew meant a lot to me."
The Chicago Sun-Times says that some of those things that "meant a lot" to her include "very incriminating videos and photos." A source added that Blohan will be all sorts of embarrassed if any of it got out. FOR WHY THE EFF WHY?! We've already seen (don't click on this) Blohan's carniceria in all its gory, so there's not much else that can embarrass her even more.
On second thought, maybe they stole the director's cut of Labor Pains. If that's the case, then I'm scared too.
The rumors about Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston doing lovey dovey stuff together off-camera just won't die! Last month, Gerry shot down the whispers by saying he wasn't a chinny chaser. Or something. Well, now People is saying that Gerry and Jenny got all touchy with each other in NYC on Saturday night.
One source said that the big dudeslut and the eternal cat lady started out their night by having dinner at Freeman's on the Lower East Side. After they finished there, they farted on over to the lounge at The Jane Hotel where "witnesses" say they were "holding hands." What the witnesses didn't say is that both Jenny and Gerry's pr whores were on either side of them holding a pistol to their heads while screaming "HOLD HANDS NOW!" I mean, she has a movie coming out, he has a movie coming out, they are filming a movie together...it all works out!
I refuse to believe that a huge whore like Gerry holds hands in a bar. That's a little too sweet for his ass. Sluts don't hold hands, they hold genitals and tittays. So, all publicists involved need to hold a pow wow over a bong and try again.
Here's Gerry and Jenny on the neverending shoot for The Bounty in NYC today.
South African runner Caster Semenya (hehehe...she has semen in her name...hehehe) won the gold in the women's 800-meter at the World Championships in Berlin last night, but officials may snatch (peen, I mean, pun intended) away her victory if it turns out she's really a dude. Some hos think that 18-year-old Caster might have some man in her, so they are forcing her to undergo a series of gender tests performed by a bunch of doctors and experts.
Officials say they don't believe that Caster cheated by having a sex change, but they think she has a "medical condition." Basically, they think she has both male and female chromosomes (aka a case of the Lady GaGas). If the test results reveal that Caster is a dude, they will strip her of her gold medal. They haven't said what will happen if she's got a peen and a pooner.
Caster's daddy told a South African paper, "She is my little girl. ... I raised her and I have never doubted her gender. She is a woman and I can repeat that a million times."
You know, this could easily be resolved in a matter of seconds. Just get Tommy Girl to sniff her up and down. If his extra terrestrial peen stays limp like a soggy noodle and his Scientolohole doesn't slobber like a Mastiff, then Caster is 100% WOMAN! It's that easy.
That being said, I'd hit it. Well, bitch has got a hot BODY and I've got an active imagination. Let's do this.
Squinty Zellweger's former homegirl, Kenny Chesney, is launching his own clothing line called Blue Chair Bay. Kenny told People that his new line, for both dicks and chicks, will be like “that favorite T-shirt that you’ve washed a lot that is kind of sun bleached… your favorite khakis, and your shirt that you’ve had forever."
Kenny says this isn't something he just stamped his name on. When he wasn't performing on stage or trolling the bath houses for a peen that won't quit, Kenny was getting his purdy hands dirty by helping to design this crap. Kenny even named some of the pieces after his
favorite butt buddies friends, “I’ve got a shirt that says 'Bob’s Charter' and Bob is a buddy of mine that’s been living in the islands for a long time.”
Kenny didn't mention it, but his collection will also include assless chaps, jean shorts with dick hole cutouts, sleeveless shirts with built-in nipple clamps and puka shell cock rings.