The neverending shoot for The Bounty is finally FINALLY finally over and this has Jennifer Aniston WORRIED! Page Six says that even though both Jenny and Gerard Butler denied sexy business was going on between them, there was definitely something there. But now that Gerard Butler has left NYC with his pug Lolita, the always "lonely and miserable" Jenny is afraid the love will die. Uh oh, if Jenny has the sads, this means every Entenmann's cake in the Tri-State area will soon be gone. My ass better stock up today.
And I knew that Lolita was trouble! That homewrecking little slut bitch! I mean, her name is LOLITA. Lolita is the new St. Angie.
But seriously, Jenny should know that it's not her, it's Gerard Butler's peen. His heart may say "stay," but his dick will always say "mo' mo' vagina." It's the way of the manslut.
Over at ONTD, they posted these pictures of Jennifer Garner with her 4-year-old daughter in Boston yesterday and some seem to think that Violet is too old for a binkie or a stroller. Now, I say, MILK IT, Violet! If Jennifer tries to pull you out, kick, scream and call 911! REFUSE to leave that stroller.
I wish I would've never left the stroller. Seriously, imagine spending your days being pushed around in a chair on wheels. That's the life. Walking is pointless. Walking is stupid. Walking is hard.
Jonathan Rhys Meyers, who plays King Henry VIII on The Tudors, says that Henry was not really the mega manwhore everyone thinks he was. According to JRM, you can get fucky with at least 20 people before you're considered a ho fo sho.
He explained, “In The Tudors I’ve only slept with like 22 people. In The Tudors I’ve only slept with like 22 people,” he said. “Which is not bad because if I go out in London on a Saturday night and I say to some handsome young dude or some handsome young girl that’s standing in the club: ‘How many people have you slept with this year’? ‘Er about 50′. So it’s not so much. Henry was much more prudish in history than we portray him in The Tudors. But sex happened and sex was very much a matter of state then."
I'll co-sign everything JRM said. Back then, you spent your days stabbing bitches, eating turkey legs (I've been to Medieval Times) and sexing on hos, so 22 people is nothing. Shit, even today 22 dicks is considered pilgrim-ish. Hardcore sluts go through 22 different genitals in one week! If you're Parasite Hilton, your Venus Peen Snatch swallows up 22 wangs while walking down the block.
And let's not get into telling each other how many sex partners we've had. It's just a number! Besides, I don't think the type of math needed to figure out that number has been invented yet.
VIA Showbiz Spy
I have good news and bad news. The good news is that Lisa Loeb still exists! AND she's going to have one of those baby things. The bad news is that now that "Stay" song will probably be the soundtrack in your head for the rest of the day. I don't know my father's birthdate, but I do know every lyric to this song. Anyyoucantalksoallthetimeso......
Lisa's manager (Yes, she still has one of those) confirmed that she's expecting a baby friend with her husband Roey Hershkovitz, "They're excited to welcome their first child this winter."
And there you go! I'm sure you'll forget about this monumental news in about 2 seconds, but I bet you will have THAT SONG violating your brains over and over again all day.
Denise Woodage told a court in the UK that she no longer gets hongray for peen or sausage after witnessing her neighbor Paul Darlow fiddle his dick in his own backyard. 54-year-old Mrs. Woodage said she first spotted Mr. Darlow doing sex to himself back in March of '08. When she complained to the police about it, they immediately installed security cameras. Note to all: Stop tickling your nipples and no-no in your own backyard. Cameras may be watching.
A few months later, Mr. Darlow was caught flashing his nekkidness again and he was arrested for indecent exposure. Mr. Darlow eventually admitted to the court that he did squeeze his skin tube outdoors, but he didn't know anybody could see him. The court wasn't really amused by Mr. Darlow's pubic display of self-fuckery. They jailed him for six weeks and also gave him a Sexual Offenses Prohibition Order which keeps him from showing off his sex parts to the public. They also put him on the Sexual Offenders’ Register for seven years. YES, all of that for just jacking off in his backyard. AND Mr. Darlow's wife left his ass after the trial.
As for Mrs. Woodage, not only is she allergic to men and sausages now, but she also has to take anti-depressents. She told the Reading Post, “I am now on anti-depressants and also sleeping tablets – this has really affected me. There are not many houses in this street and there are a lot of children. I would’ve hated for them to see Darlow flashing. I didn’t even know his name when I first saw him but I was horrified. I couldn’t believe it. He looks younger than he is and he was well-endowed and really hairy. It has put me off men."
The men and sausages of the world issued a statement to Mrs. Woodage: "It's all good, Denise. We were off you years ago."
I'm joking! The men of the world will be weeping for days, because who wouldn't want to cuddle in between one of Mrs. Woodage's chins and slowly brush their fingers through her furbrows? Take a number!
And since she's off dick and sausages now, she probably should change her last name too since it has the word "WOOD" in it.
Anyone who has seen at least one episode Douche & Cunt Plus 8 knows that Kate Gosselin knows how to slowly rip Jon's nutsack from the root with her words of cuntness and master shank eye (my hero). We know this, but Jon felt the need to state the obvious during an interview with Good Morning America.
Jon cried, "I took a lot of abuse from her. I was put down. She'll call me like, almost like a lame fish. Like I wasn't going anywhere."
Is lame fish related to Gay Fish at all, because that would answer many of life's greatest douche mysteries.
Jon went on to moan like a toddler that Kate regularly left him with the child army while she went off trying to make some money, "Well, excuse me, I'm taking care of the kids. She's on book tours, she's doing all these things. You know, she's gone a week. You know, comes back. Packs up and leaves again. I'm standing there like, 'Oh, OK. Your mom's gone again.'"
While it is entertaining watching these two make complete assholes out of themselves in the media, they should really be talking to a team of trained psychiatric professionals in the comfort of a padded room for two.
It's absolutely hilarious that these twats are always whining about how the media won't leave their asses alone, yet they are always butt fucking us with interview after interview. Every time I turn around, one of them is blabbing to someone.
When are they both going to pay a little visit to the Dog Whisperer so that Cesar Milan can put a bark collar on the both of 'em.
Here's some pictures of Ed Hardy's butt buddy and his glamorous mother in Las Vegas a couple of days ago.
It's been about a month since LeAnn Rimes announced that she's quitting her babygayfaced husband Dean Rainbow Sherbet and now she's ready to drop The Big D on him. Sorry, Dean, by "The Big D," I meant "divorce" and not "dick." Sorry for making your glitter hole slobber. Just sprinkle a little salt on it to calm it down.
Twitter must have been down or some shit, because LeAnn chose to release the statement about her divorce on her website:
“After much thoughtful mutual consideration, Deane [her husband's given name] and I have agreed to move forward with dissolving our marriage. This decision was amicable and we remain committed and caring friends with great admiration for one another. Thank you so much for all of your continued love and support – it is deeply appreciated.”
Yes, I'm sure LeAnn thought about it a great deal while french kissing Eddie Cibrian's peen hole. and wiping the dick barf from her chin. I'm sure Eddie's dick is really a great listener and helped LeAnn make the right decision.
Possible Greyhound beater and overall manslut Gerard Butler still keeps it real whenever he goes back to Glasgow and he has his mom to thank for that. Gerry tells the NYDN that his mother is not impressed that he's making millions of dollars and tickling Jennifer Aniston's thirstay poon.
Gerry said, "I go home and they'll cook Christmas dinner, and she's like, ‘C'mon, give a hand, come on, wash the dishes or put the dishes away.' And I'm like, ‘Mom, I am a major Hollywood movie star, I can't be doing this. It's embarrassing.'" Gerry went to say that no matter how much he whines about his shit being made of sparkly gold he always ends up on his hands and knees, wiping her floor.
Gerry needs an abuelita in his life. Bitch wouldn't have even made it to the word "movie," because an abuelita would've cut his tongue out way before then and made menudo out of it.
And you know what's even more embarrassing than a major Hollywood movie star doing dishes? A major Hollywood movie star's mother not having a dishwasher and a Roomba!
Yesterday, CNN released a short clip of Chris Brown's interview with Larry King (which airs Wednesday) where he says he doesn't "wow, remember, like, wow" beating Alien Princess RiRi. Well, the second coming of Ike Turner released a loooooong ass statement crying about how Larry King basically pushed him into saying he got a shot of amnesia. This is what the WOW MC had to say. Blame it on the zombie:
There have been reports on the Internet that I didn't remember what happened that night with Rihanna. I want to try and set things straight.
That 30 seconds of the interview they used of me was taken from a one hour interview during which that same question was asked something like 4 or 5 times -- and when you look at the entire interview you will see it is not representative of what I said.
The first four times – or how ever many times it was - I gave the same answer -- which was that I didn't think it was appropriate for me to talk about what happened that night. I said it was not right for me and it really wasn't fair to Rihanna. The fifth time – or whatever it was – I just misspoke. I was asked, "Do you remember doing it?" and I said, "No."
Of course I remember what happened. Several times during the interview, my mother said that I came to her right afterwards and told her everything. But it was and still is a blur. And yes, I still can't believe it happened because it is not me or who I am or is what happened like anything I have ever done before.
As I have said several times previously, I am ashamed of and sorry for what happened that night and I wish I could relive that moment and change things, but I can't. I take full responsibility for my actions. What I have to do now is to prove to the world that this was an isolated incident and that is not who I am and I intend to do so by my behavior now and in the future.
If Chris didn't want to talk about it, why in the hell was he on Larry King? Did he think he was there to discuss how purdy his little boy blue outfit was? I love it when celebwhores say shit like "I don't want to discuss that" during interviews. Then take your ass out of there and stop wasting everyone's time.
And Larry has battled dinosaurs, lived through the dark ages and fought in the war of 1812, so the likes of Chris Brown throwing the blame on him isn't going to affect him at all. Actually, I don't even think Larry King knows who Chris Brown is. Pepaw probably thought he was interviewing Buster Brown (the bow tie gave it away).
(Image: Johnny Louis/Wenn.com)
Joe Jackson can stop trying to produce a remake of Home Alone starring Blanket Jackson, because Macaulay Culkin is not his biological father. Earlier today, The Sun wrote up an interesting fairy tale about how Macaulay donated sperm which was used to conceive Blanket. Side-eyes galore!
TMZ contacted Macaulay's rep who said this: "The inquiries are too preposterous for us to even acknowledge."
Yes, his rep used the word "preposterous." Yes, his rep might be Mary Poppins. Yes, spokeswhores should definitely use the word "preposterous" more often.