Since Sean Penn and Robin Wright's marriage is officially headed for the guillotine (for real this time), he can finally show off his shiny pieces out in public! Sean no longer has to bump it on the down low in hotel rooms or his dealer's bathroom (you know how he does it).
On Friday night in NYC, 49-year-old Sean took 25-year-old Sports Illustrated model Jessica White out to dinner. There's been a rumor that the two are partaking in sexy time activities together and this pretty much confirms it.
Hopefully, Jessica is just using Sean for the dick and the bad shit. Sean is not the type you want to get into a long-term situation with. Just bump, blow and bounce.
It looks like Sarah Palin will be able to see Levi's goods from her house, because he is going to drop them panties and get nekkid for Playgirl.com. TMZ says that Levi has been spending a lot of time at the gym to get his body ready to pose for pictures that thousands of gay dudes will rub their genitals all over (GUILTY). But there's one issue, Levi's "handler" says he's trying to decide whether or not to show his shaved caribou or his pair of bearded seals. Yeah, I don't know what that means either. Basically, he wants to show either his dick or ass.
Let's take a vote. All of you in favor of seeing his ass, punch yourself in the crotch bone, because you should want to see THE PEEN instead! Fuck his ass (panty creaming moment)! Show us the Alaskan-bred MEAT! Yes, it's probably a little frost-bitten and shrively from living in an igloo park, but a few slaps on a hot log will warm it up and get it camera ready!
Come on, Levi's peen, pucker up for the camera and say, "YOU BETCHA!"
When the halfway-melted down Lego Man that is Jermaine Jackson announced the extravagant tribute concert to his brother Michael, he promised that the likes of Mary J. Blige, Chris Brown and Natalie Cole would perform. The only problem is that when all three of them were asked about the concert, they all pulled some "Never Heard Of It" shit. Without Mary, Chris or Natalie, the only confirmed performers for the concert was Sister Ledge. And let's be real, you can see them at your local county fair while chomping on some deep fried butter.
So, without any performers, it's no surprise that Jermaine has decided to postpone the show until June 2010. The concert was supposed to take place in Vienna on September 26th, but it's been moved to Wembley Stadium in London for 2010. Jermaine issued this statement:
"Many artists and performers who I have spoken to personally told me that it would be a great honor to be part of this memorial concert for my late brother - an artist who influenced the music world like virtually no other. However, due to the short time frame it was not possible for many of them to change their schedule so that they could be on stage in Vienna on September 26, therefore we decided, after careful consideration, to change the date of the tribute concert to June 2010 - just a few weeks before the first anniversary of his untimely death. Now we have 8 months to put this monumental show together and not just 8 weeks. Despite the short amount of time we would have been able to stage a great show, in keeping with Michael's high standards, but numerous stars were just not able to change their schedules to make a live appearance at the Vienna event possible."
Aw. Jermaine didn't have to do that! Who needs Mary, Chris or Natalie when you have Jermaine, La Toya and Joe (make sure to move your head to the side when you barf)!
I mean, Jermaine could've opened the show by performing "Smooth Criminal" as a geriatric California Raisin (no costume required). Then Joe could've recited his touching poem: "The World Lost A Superstar: An Ode To Blu-Ray Discs." And Claire Cruise could have...well....she could have just shown up, because the presence of her crazy ass would be worth the entire price of admission.
Okay, that was a dumb question. Of course, Alien Princess RiRi can see through those things thanks to her intergalactic powers. However, if one of us peons put those lifeblockers on the only thing we'd be able to see clearly is how much of an asshole we look like.
For serious! My ass would be stumbling all over the place like a drunk Lohan during a game of "Pin the Tail on the Donkey." I'd be falling on bitches, pissing in the punch bowl thinking it was the toilet, grabbing crotches on accident and snatching other people's drinks out of their hands. Hmm...that doesn't sound so bad actually. Those glasses will may you look like a total fool, but at least you'll have an excuse for being able to do whatever the hell you want! Be right back, I'm going to go make my own using spray paint and tiny egg crates.
Here's more of RiRi wearing Grace Jones' pajamas and sleeping mask at Fashion Night Out in NYC last night.
Hugh Hefner and his wife Kimberly Conrad haven't been together "like that" for over 10 years, but they have never divorced. Suddenly, Hef has decided to snip the cord and set Kimberly free. TMZ reports that Hef filed for divorce on Friday citing the good ole' "irreconcilable differences." Hef and Kimberly got married on July 1, 1989, but have been separated since January 12, 1998.
Hef says that the reason why he's legally quitting Kimberly's ass now is because she recently filed a $5 million lawsuit against him. Kimberly sued Hef after he fucked her by selling the house she and their sons were living in, which is next to the Playboy mansion.
In the documents, Hef states that he's already given Kimberly around $12 million, so he feels like he should only pay her $20,000 a month in spousal support.
You know, Hef could probably get away with paying her ass nothing due to the fact that their marriage is not valid. The last time I checked, humans and zombies could not legally get married in the State of California.
Ellen Pompeo might be the new Bridget Moynahan/Mary Louise-Parker. You see, Star Magazine says that while Ellen currently is baking one of those baby loafs in her womb oven, her 41-year-old husband Chris Ivery is out getting loose with a teenager. So while Ellen is in Lamaze class, Chris is also practicing his heavy breathing while his peen is poking a teenager's vagina. Okay.
Chris' alleged mistress, 19-year-old Rachel Artz, said she met him back in May at the Boston-area restaurant she works at. Rachel said, "Yes, I had sexual relations with Chris. We were intimate several times." Sexual relations? Who the hell does Rachel think she is? Bill Clinton? Drop the proper-talk and speak like a real slut. You all fucked! Let's be real with each other.
A few sources added that Chris and Rachel did illegal sexy times at different hotels in Boston as well as his house on Martha's Vineyard. One source said, "Chris promised Rachel that he'd make her a star — that's his lure. Chris often took calls from Ellen in front of Rachel and talked about their baby-to-be. He didn't seem to like Ellen much when he talked about her. He made her seem like a diva."
While I'm not saying I don't believe this mess, I will say that Rachel needs to come harder (not like that). I'm going to need pictures, videos, measurements, DNA samples, etc... etc...
Any ole' crazy slut can run down the street screaming, "I FUCKED ANDERSON COOPER" (Yeah, that was me), so Rachel is going to need to hand over a brightly-lit color picture of Chris' fully erect peen for us to believe her.
Christina Milian (the girl from the classic piece of cinema that is Love Don't Cost A Thing) and The Dream (yeah, I don't know either), eloped in a wedding fit for a Spears! No, really it was a wedding fit for Spears, because they got hitched at the same joint in Las Vegas Brit Brit married her first husband at.
TMZ says that they got married at The Little White Wedding Chapel at midnight on Friday. Christina really gave herself the princess bride treatment by renting a wedding dress, shoes and a veil for $200. The Dream also splurged by borrowing his tuxedo and shoes for $100. I'm sure the reception was held at the Sizzler. Expect to see this extravagant affair on My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding.
And if this isn't a shotgun wedding, I don't know what is. I just really hope they don't name their baby The Dream Jr. Or The Dreamier.
Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Karina Smirnoff from Dancing with the Has-Beens are no longer doing the wet nekkid mambo on each other, because they have canceled their engagement. Karina's spokeswhore confirms to E! that they have broken up.
Karina and Maksim got engaged early last year, but postponed their wedding until next year due to their "hectic schedules."
I'm sure it's just a coincidence that Karina and Maksim have pink-slipped each other right before the new season of Dancing for a Paycheck starts.... Yeah, I doubt they broke up for publicity. They would NEVER do that!
Karina and Maksim didn't give a reason for their split, but let's just blame it on my arch rival CHERYL BURKE. Mop Head should be blamed for absolutely everything! If go home tonight and find that you're out of booze, BLAME MOP HEAD. If you're getting it from the back and the peen misses the hole, poking you in the crack, BLAME MOP HEAD. Blame it all on Mop Head!
George Clooney and his latest piece found at central casting, Elisabetta Canalis, went public (sort of) at yesterday's Venice Film Festival. George is there to pimp out a couple of his movies and he brought Elisabetta along to look purdy while holding his hand on the red carpet. Speaking of his hand, George is wearing a cast, because he's still healing from that unfortunate butt fisting accident. Oh, but in publicist-talk, "butt fisting accident" translates into "car door accident."
And I'd love to see the look on Sarah Larson's face as she curses Elisabetta's name while a drunk frat boy does a body shot off of her at a Laughlin, NV bar. Yeah, I don't think Vegas wants her ass anymore.
P.S. - You know Elisabetta's arm band tattoo really makes George's b-hole pucker, because it reminds him of Nick Lachey.
If Robert Smith is having troubles moving his bowels this morning, he should just think of Lady CaCa stuffing mountains of the bad shit into her nose hole while listening to his music. That will help him.
23-year-old Lady CaCa says that after she dropped out from NYU, she spent her days alone in her apartment partaking in a sport called Lohan-ing. She said, "My cocaine soundtrack was The Cure. I loved all their music, but I listened to this one song on repeat while I did bags and bags of cocaine. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me until my friends came over and said, ‘Are you doing this alone?’ 'Um, yes. Me and my mirror'. But I was able to stop, because I was panicking more on the drugs than I was sober. So I’m fine now."
Her poor mirror. And it's kind of funny, because Lady CaCa makes me want to shovel the bad shit into my nose. I have to stick corks in my nostrils to keep from snorting absolutely anything to deal with her fuckery-laced ridiculousness.
Here's Lady CaCa at the Monster Cable Launch party in Berlin yesterday. Bitch looks like Breathless Mahoney coming down from a bad acid trip at an S&M ball. And I loooooove the "Is this thing for real?" look on Dr. Dre's face.