Yeah Okay

Once again, The Hoff is shitting on claims that he was taken to the hospital because of alcohol poisoning. The Hoff tells TMZ that it's all just a misunderstanding and he didn't even have one drop of the sweet nectar at all yesterday.

Yesterday, The Hoff's daughter reportedly called her mother because she was afraid that her father swallowed an entire bar and got the drunk ills. An ambulance was called and The Hoff went off to the hospital. That's his ex-wife's story.

According to The Hoff, he wasn't drunk at all, but he was sick due to mixing Antabuse, a drug he takes for his booze problems, and Antivert, a drug he was taking for an ear infection. Mixing the two made him extremely dizzy and he wasn't able to get a hold of his doctor, so the paramedics were called. Once they arrived. they shuffled him off to the hospital, sorted him out and then released him an hour later. That's The Hoff's story.

Okay, you know The Hoff got the ear infection, because he was trying to get drunk by pouring whiskey in his ear (try a vodka tampon next time, Hoff).

That being said, let's just believe The Hoff and say that his 17-year-old daughter must have been the drunk one and got everything wrong. Sarcasm.

Last month, it was reported that Chelsea Handler quit her boyfriend/boss Ted Harbert. The story went that Chelsea put his ass on the curb and he was forced to live in a hotel. Ted probably poked Chelsea in the wrong hole and bitch wasn't having it. You know how that goes. Well, apparently Ted has done right again by Chelsea's pikachu, because the two were spotted being all couple-like at the Borgota in Atlantic City.

Chelsea was there to perform three shows and Ted was seen in the audience at one of them. A source told Page Six that they shared a room together and were even seen eating in public (ESCANDALO), "They were inseparable and did everything together." EVERYTHING? Well, they must be in love again if they are going caca times and barfing up last night's vodka together.

This is good news since I was afraid that Ted might fire Chelsea from E! the way she fired him from her vagina. Because if Chelsea's show was off of E!, they would total give Kourtney Kardashian her own talk show and that would make all of our Tivos commit mass suicide.

It's the season of swollen everything, so I wouldn't be surprised if Anna Kournikova is knocked up with Enrique Iglesias' baby. Fertile cum is in the air! The New York Daily News claims that Anna didn't participate in the Malibu Triathlon last week, because she's got a 2-month-old fetus hanging out in her body.

Yes, they are still together after all these centuries. I know, I had to Google it for proof.

I know Enrique got his mole chewed off a while ago, but I hope his baby inherits it. Because let's be real, we need more mole babies.

VIA Showbiz Spy

Those of you who have never gotten your b-hole slapped by a hard peen in the early morning hours might have never heard about the site Manhunt. It's basically where your dick goes when it wants to barf while in the company of another.

Manhunt decided to conduct a study on what states are home to the biggest and smallest dicks by gathering data from their members. Here's the results:

The 5 states with the largest average peen size:
1. District of Columbia - 7.59
2. New York - 7.50
3. California - 7.45
4. Florida - 7.44
5. Kentucky - 7.42

The 5 states with the smallest average peen size:
1. Alaska - 6.34
2. Wyoming - 6.92
3. Delaware - 6.94
4. Arkansas - 6.96
5. Oklahoma - 6.96

This list can also be titled The States with the BIGGEST LIARS! I mean, if you subtract a couple of inches that's probably the real average dick size in each state. It's not like Manhunt went door-to-door with a fluffer and a ruler. They should have, because Gay Al Reynolds is always standing (or kneeling) by ready to fluff!

I've done my own unofficial study and I can say that there is no way the average dick size in New York is 7.50. My no-no will put its lips on the bible and testify to that in any court room.

VIA Buzzfeed

Kimora Lee's former leathery wallet, Russell Simmons, apparently had himself a cunt party for one at Charlotte Ronson's fashion show last night.

A witness tells Radar that when Russell got there, he immediately thought they gave away his seat, so he flipped a switch. The witness went on to say, "He thought his seat was given away and lost it on some poor staffer on the runway moments away from the show's start." Russell immediately pulled some "let me speak to your supervisor" shit. I love pulling that card whenever the telephone company refuses to refund all those calls to fuck lines I didn't make...while sober.

When the head bitch of seating came out to talk to Russell, he continued to act like an old fool. Russell was told to calm down and he shot back with, "I'm a calm person!" They were finally able to make Russell happy by moving two people in the front row.

Everyone knows that Russell's seat needs to be covered with dried grass and a plate full of wet lettuce should be available for him to chew on. Charlotte Ronson probably didn't provide this, so of course Russell's ass lips got twisted.

And I doubt Russell caused a big scene. I mean, there's nothing threatening about a 300-year-old turtle without his shell on.

Lil' Mama issued a statement through her favorite cashier at Western Union (because you know she doesn't have a publicist) about stage crashing Jay-Z and Alicia Keys' performance at the VMAs last night. Eye roll like you give an eff:

"I did not mean any disrespect towards Jay-Z or Alicia Keys. I admire them and look up to them as role models. 'Empire State of Mind' had my emotions running high. In that moment I came up onstage to celebrate my two icons singing about NY."

The thing is, I'm one of the only dumb bitches who actually cared and noticed this, so Lil' Mama issued this statement to let everybody know she was the fool on that stage. Most people figured either: a) Kanye West left his ego (who just happens to be a pre-op gremlin) on stage or b) Lady CaCa's hermie peen was on the loose again.

And Lil' Mama's excuse is that she was high on emotions? Is "emotions" the new street name for meth?

VIA EW.com

Henny-chugger and mic snatcher Kanye West posted a farty CAPS-FILLED non-apology to Taylor Swift last night, but quickly took that shit down. You can read it here if your eyes need a work-out.

This afternoon, Kanye gave his CAPS-LOCK key the day off (or maybe it quit ass) and posted this second "I iz sowwy" to Taylor. This time he brought Ben Stiller and Robert DeNiro into it (???????). Since Kanye is such a fan of Meet the Fockers, how he about he recreate a pivotal scene with Taylor? He can be the Fockers' dog and she can be the evil pussy. FLUSH!

And seriously, we get it already, Kanye. YOU ARE TRULY SORRIES. From now on, just raise your hand whenever you want to speak. Yeah, we gotta go back to kindergarten. It's like that.

If Lady CaCa truly wanted to make our eyeballs bust into a seizure out of shock, she would've shown up to the VMAs wearing loose-fitting jeans, a polo shirt and sneakers. But instead, she decided to once again like like an art project done by a group of half-blind pre-schoolers with short attention spans and overactive bladders.

I think Lady CaCa was just trying to go for some kind of record for the most "separated at birth" comparisons in one night. I mean, in thumbnail #10, she's the long-lost twin of a huge mound of bird doody lying in the middle of a nest. And in thumbnail #12, she's the Heat Miser's used butt tampon. What else is there to say? This fuckery speaks for itself!

Serena Williams will have to fork over $10,000 in fines for telling a line judge she wanted to "shove a tennis ball down her throat" at the US Open this past weekend. Serena wipes her taint with $10,000 in single bills every day, so she's not even going to miss the money. Especially since she was paid $350,000 in prize money for making it to the semi-finals.

Serena was also fined $500 for racket abuse. The hos in charge at the US Open also said that in addition to the fines, Serena may face additional peenalties (typo and it stays). If they really wanted to punish Serena's ass, they'd lock her in a Henny-less room with Kanye West.

If you ask me, I think they should be the ones paying Serena $10,000 for actually making tennis entertaining. Yes, watching floppy dicks bounce around in loose shorts gives me the tingles, but nothing beats an all-out cunt bitch meltdown.

Yesterday, Megan Fox was slapitty slap slapped by 3 crew members on the Transformers movies in an open letter posted on Michael Bay's website. The crew members called her a dumb bitch who is ungrateful and doesn't want to see the pyramids of Egypt. Or something like that.

Today, Michael Bay, who probably wrote that smackdown himself after crying in a hot shower because Megan called him "Hitler," took down the open letter. In its place, Michael posted this:

"I don’t condone the crew letter to Megan. And I don’t condone Megan’s outlandish quotes. But her crazy quips are part of her crazy charm. The fact of the matter I still love working with her, and I know we still get along. I even expect more crazy quotes from her on Transformers 3."

And in Michael Bay-talk "crazy," means "dumb, slutty and bitchy." And by "working with her," he means "jacking off to the footage from the hidden camera he placed in her trailer."