Yeah Okay

Kirk Cameron, the star of my favorite comedy movie of '08 Fireproof, has once again climbed to the top of the internet mountain to shout about evolution...or something. In a video he posted on his website, Kirk went on and on about how Darwin hated vagina and was a total racist. Kirk even claims that Darwin's "Origin of Species" inspired Hitler. Yup, the entire Seaver family just put him on the curb.

Kirk and the "Banana Guy" will travel to college campuses to hand out a new 50-page introduction for the "Origin of Species." Unfortunately, Kirk didn't say Boner would be joining them on the tour. Because if he was, I'd totally drop my dildo to be there.

After Kirk's video made it around the internet and back, a Romanian girl posted a response where she calls him a "ssssssssssnake!" Homegirl spanks Kirk as if he was a screaming 2-year-old in the Salvation Army! Anybody who looks like they teleported directly from 1990 has my vote. Every time.

VIA Jezebel

At an Emmy Awards party on Sunday night, Chloe Sevigny and Jason Segel were spotted with their tongues down each other's throats. That's what E! claims anyway. When the two finally wiped the slobber off of their faces and realized hos were staring at them, they stopped. A few hours later, they left the party together and probably did The Brown Bunny somewhere else.

This is some weird shit. It would make more sense if you said Betty White and Jason Segel were doing each other on the sofa. Shit, Chloe Sevigny and Betty White scissoring each other in the bathroom wouldn't throw up a question mark over my head. But Chloe and Jason?! Did they pull out each other's keys from a hat or something? Weird.

But I don't blame Chloe, Jason is probably hung like a pug at the beach.

The 18-year-old dude who was arrested for allegedly robbing Blohan's house of broken mirrors might have been more than just some stranger who thieved her ass. According to TMZ, Nick Prugo was seen hanging around with Blo on the set of her direct-to-basic-cable-TV extravaganza Labor Pains.

One witness who worked on the shit show said Nick visited Blohan around 10 times. It's not known whether or not Nick has ever been to Blo's house. But I think it's safe to say he has since I think every coochie connoisseur in the Greatest Los Angeles area has been invited back to her house at one point or another.

And in a little piece of info that is totally unrelated to this situation (it's totally related to this situation), TMZ says that Nick was arrested for coke possession last year. SANTO DIOS!

This brings me to this blind time CDAN posted late last month:

"This blind item is going to be phrased as a piece of advice. If you pay your drug dealer on time he won't break into your house and take your things. Just saying."

It doesn't take an investigative genius like Detective La Toya to figure this one out. Actually, it might. Get Det. La Toya in here! We need answers before we can keep fucking that chicken!

Once again, The Hoff is shitting on claims that he was taken to the hospital because of alcohol poisoning. The Hoff tells TMZ that it's all just a misunderstanding and he didn't even have one drop of the sweet nectar at all yesterday.

Yesterday, The Hoff's daughter reportedly called her mother because she was afraid that her father swallowed an entire bar and got the drunk ills. An ambulance was called and The Hoff went off to the hospital. That's his ex-wife's story.

According to The Hoff, he wasn't drunk at all, but he was sick due to mixing Antabuse, a drug he takes for his booze problems, and Antivert, a drug he was taking for an ear infection. Mixing the two made him extremely dizzy and he wasn't able to get a hold of his doctor, so the paramedics were called. Once they arrived. they shuffled him off to the hospital, sorted him out and then released him an hour later. That's The Hoff's story.

Okay, you know The Hoff got the ear infection, because he was trying to get drunk by pouring whiskey in his ear (try a vodka tampon next time, Hoff).

That being said, let's just believe The Hoff and say that his 17-year-old daughter must have been the drunk one and got everything wrong. Sarcasm.

Last month, it was reported that Chelsea Handler quit her boyfriend/boss Ted Harbert. The story went that Chelsea put his ass on the curb and he was forced to live in a hotel. Ted probably poked Chelsea in the wrong hole and bitch wasn't having it. You know how that goes. Well, apparently Ted has done right again by Chelsea's pikachu, because the two were spotted being all couple-like at the Borgota in Atlantic City.

Chelsea was there to perform three shows and Ted was seen in the audience at one of them. A source told Page Six that they shared a room together and were even seen eating in public (ESCANDALO), "They were inseparable and did everything together." EVERYTHING? Well, they must be in love again if they are going caca times and barfing up last night's vodka together.

This is good news since I was afraid that Ted might fire Chelsea from E! the way she fired him from her vagina. Because if Chelsea's show was off of E!, they would total give Kourtney Kardashian her own talk show and that would make all of our Tivos commit mass suicide.

It's the season of swollen everything, so I wouldn't be surprised if Anna Kournikova is knocked up with Enrique Iglesias' baby. Fertile cum is in the air! The New York Daily News claims that Anna didn't participate in the Malibu Triathlon last week, because she's got a 2-month-old fetus hanging out in her body.

Yes, they are still together after all these centuries. I know, I had to Google it for proof.

I know Enrique got his mole chewed off a while ago, but I hope his baby inherits it. Because let's be real, we need more mole babies.

VIA Showbiz Spy

Those of you who have never gotten your b-hole slapped by a hard peen in the early morning hours might have never heard about the site Manhunt. It's basically where your dick goes when it wants to barf while in the company of another.

Manhunt decided to conduct a study on what states are home to the biggest and smallest dicks by gathering data from their members. Here's the results:

The 5 states with the largest average peen size:
1. District of Columbia - 7.59
2. New York - 7.50
3. California - 7.45
4. Florida - 7.44
5. Kentucky - 7.42

The 5 states with the smallest average peen size:
1. Alaska - 6.34
2. Wyoming - 6.92
3. Delaware - 6.94
4. Arkansas - 6.96
5. Oklahoma - 6.96

This list can also be titled The States with the BIGGEST LIARS! I mean, if you subtract a couple of inches that's probably the real average dick size in each state. It's not like Manhunt went door-to-door with a fluffer and a ruler. They should have, because Gay Al Reynolds is always standing (or kneeling) by ready to fluff!

I've done my own unofficial study and I can say that there is no way the average dick size in New York is 7.50. My no-no will put its lips on the bible and testify to that in any court room.

VIA Buzzfeed

Kimora Lee's former leathery wallet, Russell Simmons, apparently had himself a cunt party for one at Charlotte Ronson's fashion show last night.

A witness tells Radar that when Russell got there, he immediately thought they gave away his seat, so he flipped a switch. The witness went on to say, "He thought his seat was given away and lost it on some poor staffer on the runway moments away from the show's start." Russell immediately pulled some "let me speak to your supervisor" shit. I love pulling that card whenever the telephone company refuses to refund all those calls to fuck lines I didn't make...while sober.

When the head bitch of seating came out to talk to Russell, he continued to act like an old fool. Russell was told to calm down and he shot back with, "I'm a calm person!" They were finally able to make Russell happy by moving two people in the front row.

Everyone knows that Russell's seat needs to be covered with dried grass and a plate full of wet lettuce should be available for him to chew on. Charlotte Ronson probably didn't provide this, so of course Russell's ass lips got twisted.

And I doubt Russell caused a big scene. I mean, there's nothing threatening about a 300-year-old turtle without his shell on.

Lil' Mama issued a statement through her favorite cashier at Western Union (because you know she doesn't have a publicist) about stage crashing Jay-Z and Alicia Keys' performance at the VMAs last night. Eye roll like you give an eff:

"I did not mean any disrespect towards Jay-Z or Alicia Keys. I admire them and look up to them as role models. 'Empire State of Mind' had my emotions running high. In that moment I came up onstage to celebrate my two icons singing about NY."

The thing is, I'm one of the only dumb bitches who actually cared and noticed this, so Lil' Mama issued this statement to let everybody know she was the fool on that stage. Most people figured either: a) Kanye West left his ego (who just happens to be a pre-op gremlin) on stage or b) Lady CaCa's hermie peen was on the loose again.

And Lil' Mama's excuse is that she was high on emotions? Is "emotions" the new street name for meth?

VIA EW.com

Henny-chugger and mic snatcher Kanye West posted a farty CAPS-FILLED non-apology to Taylor Swift last night, but quickly took that shit down. You can read it here if your eyes need a work-out.

This afternoon, Kanye gave his CAPS-LOCK key the day off (or maybe it quit ass) and posted this second "I iz sowwy" to Taylor. This time he brought Ben Stiller and Robert DeNiro into it (???????). Since Kanye is such a fan of Meet the Fockers, how he about he recreate a pivotal scene with Taylor? He can be the Fockers' dog and she can be the evil pussy. FLUSH!

And seriously, we get it already, Kanye. YOU ARE TRULY SORRIES. From now on, just raise your hand whenever you want to speak. Yeah, we gotta go back to kindergarten. It's like that.