Lindsay Lohan has taken her stalking game international by following The Wanted to the UK, so she wasn't in court in Los Angeles today when a new judge she hasn't met, Commissioner Jane Godfrey, snatched probation away from her. LiLo is still on probation for stealing that necklace and it was revoked because she was officially charged for lying to the cops after she crashed her Porsche into an 18-wheeler on PCH. A hearing has been calendared in for January 13, 2013 and on that day, Judge Godfrey could throw LiLo in jail for 245 days for violating probation. Bitch should want to go to jail for 245 days, because you don't have to pay rent in there!
TMZ says that prosecutors think LiLo has had one million and four chances to stop fucking up and they should finally lock her up in a cell and stick the key up White Oprah's culito. But apparently, Judge Godfrey doesn't love sending messes to jail. Judge Godfrey presides over Drug Court and Homeless Court and she's known for sending people to therapy and rehab instead of jail. Judge Godfrey even has a special graduation ceremony for people who complete their therapy program and she uses her own money to buy them a Starbucks card for a graduation gift.
If LiLo is sent to jail, which she won't be, she'll be released due to overcrowding before she can even christen her cell by letting out a vodka-infused fart on the mattress. And if she's sent to a therapy program and gets a Starbucks gift card as a graduation gift, Judge Godfrey will regret the day she started giving out Starbucks gift cards. We all know what happened the last time a Lohan had a store card in their paw. They abused the power of the card and Fudgie the Whale almost got the fudge punched out of his ass. A Starbucks employee will know what it feels like to get slapped in the face with a Zac Brown Band CD when they refuse to trade LiLo's gift card for everything that's in the cash register and three cases of Starbucks Cabernet.
If you looked at those pictures of Demi Moore twerking her coochie lips off yesterday, then I'm sure you still smell like burnt hair from your lashes getting singed by the heat she was serving. Well, say goodbye to the rest of your lashes, because here's some pictures of Demi's rumored piece giving us some "Alice the Goon farting after sucking on a lemon" hotness on Miami Beach yesterday afternoon.
26-year-old Vito Schnabel is the art dealer son of Julian Schnabel and there's rumors that Demi has been humping on him for a little while now. But while at some Art Basel event in Miami on Wednesday night, Vito told TMZ that he's not boning Tater Head's co-creator. However, a source tells Page Six that they are dating and Vito doesn't want it to get out, because he's a serious art dealer type and doesn't want to be known as Demi's cub. The source said, “Vito and Demi didn’t want to be pictured together. They want to keep their relationship as private as possible, and he is determined to be taken seriously in the art world rather than be known as a celebrity.”
Unless, Vito Schnabel finds a secret stash of Thomas Kinkade's final works, I doubt he'll ever be taken seriously in the art world. Any ho who says "I want to be taken seriously in the art world" out loud shouldn't be taken seriously in the art world. And Vito is dumb for not wanting to be photographed with this:
Demi should leave Vito in the kindergarten art room she found him in and find herself another dude. There's plenty of 20-something pieces who will openly and proudly hitch a ride on her twerk train.
As One Direction fans, including Eminem's fake Twitter daughter, spray paint the word WHORE all over the backyard sweetheart playhouse Taylor Swift lives in, her teenage piece-of-the-moment Harry Styles strolled into her NYC hotel last night with an overnight bag hanging over his shoulder. I should be shocked and horrified by this, but I'm too busy wiping the streams of vom off my lashes after my eyes barfed from looking at those pap's UGGs.
This is the second night in a row that Harry and Rebecca of Sluttybrook Farm have had a sleepover. I guess those two real-life Strawberry Shortcake characters just can't get enough of watching cat cartoons, making friendship bracelets and taking turns combing peach-scented leave-in-conditioner in each other's hair. I refuse to believe that these two are bumping bare nipples, because I really don't want to think of Taylor bumping bare nipples with anybody. My imagination has been to a lot of dark-sided places in the gutter, but it doesn't want to go there.
And the only good thing that has come out of this unholy union is the moment when my mom was watching Access Hollywood and asked, "That Taylor girl is dating a boy from a band called One ERECTION?!!"
Here's Harry at Taylor's hotel last night and Taylor at a restaurant yesterday afternoon.
If Brad Pitt isn't making every movie screen softly weep by threatening to retire from acting, then Angie Jolie is. While making The Tourist in 2010, Angie told Vanity Fair that she'll stop acting in movies one day. Then during a recent interview with Britain's Channel 4 News about Syria, she said that she's probably going to retire when her child army enters their teen years. In related news, thousands of movie studio employees were told today that they will be laid off someday, because as soon as Angie retires, the movie-making industry will shut down forever. Here's what Angie said about leaving the acting world and if you need to see the video of her saying these words, click here:
"I will do some films and I am so fortunate to have the job, it's a really lucky profession to be a part of and I enjoy it. But if it went away tomorrow I would be very happy to be home with the children.I think I'm going to have to give up the acting as the kids hit the teenage years, anyway, too much to manage at home."
Scientists have temporarily stopped trying to find a cure for everything they're trying to find a cure for, because they need to devote all of their time to finding a way to bottle that Peter Pan's shit. We must find a way to stop the Jolie-Pitt children from aging, because if they enter their teen years, we won't ever EVER get a sequel to Life or Something Like It. How will we go on? First, Amanda Bynes retires, and now Angelina Jolie threatens to retire again? What have we done to deserve this?!
Gabriel Aubry doesn't have to wear a steel face mask and an iron helmet when he goes to pick up his daughter Nahla at Halle Berry's house, because Olivier Martinez won't be there to pound the pretty out of his face. Gabriel's lawyer Shawn Holley (yeah, that Shawn Holley) and Halle's lawyer Blair Berk met in court today and came up with "amicable settlement," so that the judge doesn't have to declare all of them legally insane and give full custody to Jessica Lange or a pack of lions.
Halle isn't going to try to extend the restraining order she has out against Gabriel and he gets to visit Nahla again like normal. Shawn Holley and Blair Berk didn't give any details about the settlement, but a source (aka Gabriel using a voice changer) tells Radar that Halle agreed to keep Olivier away from the house whenever Gabriel comes to pick their daughter up. Gabriel is totally scared of Olivier and he's afraid that if they run into each other again, Olivier is going to beat Gabriel's pretty model face so hard that it's going to permanently look like Olivier's present day face. The source went on to say, "This was very important to Gabe going forward because he feared for his safety. Gabe was supposed to have Nahla on Thanksgiving, according to their custody agreement, but Halle asked if she could have the little girl that day and Gabe said yes. He had no obligation to do so, but he had been acting in good faith and knew it meant a lot to Halle, so he did it. Gabe was absolutely blindsided by Olivier and his rage."
So they're all going to join hands and skip through the lavender fields under a double rainbow....until Halle and Olivier eventually break up and she gets herself a piece who's even crazier than him (I'm thinking Sean Penn). Then Halle and Gabriel will do this all over again. Gabriel should keep that steel mask and take self-defense classes from Bas Rutten just in case.
Brad Pitt is promoting his new movie Killing Them Softly (Side note: I think I just read your mind and I think you just wished Killing Them Softly was a Fugees biopic. I do too.) and that means it's about that time for every damn reporter to ask him about weed and marrying St. Angie Jo. In every reporter's defense, it's kind of hard to NOT ask Brad Pitt about the good shit when he's sitting there looking like he just peeled himself off of a pleather couch after being knocked out in a marijuana-induced Funyuns coma for 20 hours. Dude looks like he has just enough energy to hold and operate a BIC lighter while taking a bong hit. You don't know how many times I wished that I had BIC lighters for fingers.
People says that at last night's NYC premiere of Killing Them Softly, one reporter asked Brad if he's going to become Angie Jo's third husband anytime soon and he said this:
"I am getting more pressure from my kids, and it is something I want to do within their lifetime, but I also feel like the time has come. The time is nigh. It's soon. I got a good feeling about it."
Um, bitch, that good feeling you've got is called "You HIGH!" That good feeling was a Taco Bell-produced fart bubble slowly slipping out of his ass. But you know, the "good feeling" you get about getting married soon probably feels a lot like the "good feeling" you get when a fart bubble is about to fall out of your ass to join the air.
And Brad really did say, "The time is nigh." Now we know that both Bill & Ted were based on Brad Pitt.
"Equality, absolutely, that's what defines us. It's what makes us great. If it doesn't sit well with your religion, let your God sort it out in the end, but that's us. We're equal....I do believe that we should be responsible for our own choices in talking about the drug laws, and that the drug war is an ultimate failure and that the billions and billions of dollars that we've committed to it, there's got to be a better way. I don't believe in incarceration over education — don't get me started. But there's real damage to drugs; that is not the same as with gay marriage. Since the last round [of elections], they've been linked in every article. I find that curious."
And now we know that Brad Pitt is all for me marrying Anderson Cooper in every state while wearing a smokable tuxedo made of legal weed buds. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, again, reporters should finally ask him if he knows how Benicio Del Toro and Jeff Bridges feel about him looking like their broken condom love child.
Because of the way Twitter was blowing up last night over the Super Bowl of Suck that was Liz & Dick, I really thought it would be the highest rated basic cable event in the history of basic cable, but it wasn't. 3.5 million pairs of eyeballs all rolled in unison while watching Lindsay Lohan play dress up in front of a green screen.
According to Deadline, 3.5 million isn't a number White Oprah should brag about to her back alley pharmacists when she tries to buy illegal Adderall tonight. Liz & Dick wasn't a total flop, but it wasn't a hit either. 6.5 million people watched Lifetime's Steel Magnolias remake and 5 million people watched Drew Peterson: Untouchable starring Rob Lowe. Lifetime is still bragging by saying Liz & Dick is the fourth biggest first-run cable movie of the year, because that is obviously something to brag about.
In related news, the Department of Health reported a record 3.5 million people were hospitalized for alcohol poisoning last night. It was also reported that there was a record low of births last night, because who in all that is good wants their baby born on the same day as the Liz & Dick premiere? But whatever, I'm sure Lifetime will greenlight a sequel called Liz & Larry and I'm sure Lindsay Lohan will play both Liz AND Larry. Eat it, haters.
(GIF via E!)
And here I go again writing "And Here We Go Again" for a headline, because it feels like we're always going again with this bitch.
The Santa Monica City Attorney's Office is supposed to hit the darling of the California justice system, Lindsay Lohan, with a criminal charge of telling lies to the police, because she denied driving the Porsche that butt fucked an 18-wheeler hard on PCH. LiLo told police she was only a passenger, but a bunch of witnesses say she was the one behind the wheel. Charges will be filed any second now and as soon as they are, TMZ says that her probation will be yanked away and she could be escorted to the nearest jail cell.
Judge Stephanie, who put LiLo on probation in the stolen necklace case, won't be involved in this next messy chapter and the probation case has been handed to a new judge. Judge Jane Godfrey is expected to revoke LiLo's probation and everybody including LiLo's dumb ass will be dragged back into court for another hearing.
Lying to the cops while you're on probation is a dumb bitch movie, but Lindsay Lohan has perfected and trademarked the art of the dumb bitch move. We shouldn't be surprised, and once again the Santa Monica City Attorney's Office is wasting everyone's time. Nothing's going to happen to LiLo and in fact, she's going to sue them for robbing thousands of dollars of coke from her nose. Because as soon as they charge her with criminal lie-telling, she's going to laugh so hard that all the coke she snorted up that morning is going to blow out of her nostrils and mouth. The Judge will sentence everyone in the Santa Monica City Attorney's Office to jail and force them to replace LiLo's lost coke. And that's how this is going to end.
LiLo: 2 new 8-balls
The CA Justice System: ZERO!
Tree-fucking autism curer Jenny McCarthy is fighting against her own life mission. (No, I'm not talking about her life mission to be the biggest fame whore who ever fame whored. I'm talking about her war against vaccines and shit.) On stage at the AMAs last night, Jenny attacked and molested a yodeling baby and now every child who watched that mess is going to inject themselves up with every vaccine available. Because who knows what kind of diseases Justin Bieber has now and the children want to be prepared just in case the wild cougar attacks them too.
For next week's show-and-tell at his pre-school, Justin will bring the three cone dildo trophies he won at the AMAs last night. Justin won (read: bought) Favorite Male (???) Pop Rock Artist (???), Artist of the Year and some other award. While accepting his first award, Justin, seen below with his mommy, spoke like a true spoiled little shit when he dedicated his win to the haters who didn't think he'd be around for long.
"This is for all the haters who thought I'd be around for 1, 2 years. I feel like I'm gonna be here for a very long time."
Isn't that the exact same speech Jordy gave when he won the Best New Artist award at the Grammys and look where he is now. (Note: Jorday SO should've won the Best New Artist Grammy). Back to Biebs, there's nothing worse than a smug toddler. I liked Justin Bieber a lot better when he was dancing to that Ooga-Chaka song on Ally McBeal. Click those ruby slippers, Biebs, and go home, because your diaper leggings need changing.
Just a little over a week after America voted Obama in for another four years, we now know the results to an even more important contest: Channing Tatum IS the Sexiest Man ALIVE! Surprise, surprise. I guess this is People's way of telling us that all the other white men died.
The big difference between last week's contest and this week's contest, besides this one being more important, of course, is that those dictators at People Magazine didn't even let us vote, really. They didn't even take our thoughts (or genitals) into consideration. Whoever's publicist offered up the biggest promise got the title. That title is bought! ("Um, so is the title of President, Michael" - my Republican auntie at Thanksgiving dinner as I try to suffocate myself on a canned cranberry log)
To me, Channing Tatum looks like a stale loaf of Wonder Bread, but he's a stale loaf of Wonder Bread who can really twerk his crust off to Pony, he's everywhere and he seems nice. Channing looks like a caveman, but he's the kind of caveman who'd wink at you before he clubs you over the skull and drags you off to his man cave. Channing tells People that he told his wife about his new title while the two pinched their dogs' anal glands in the tub:
"My first thought was, 'Y'all are messing with me,'" says Tatum, who married actress Jenna Dewan-Tatum in 2009. "I told Jenna after we'd been in the bathtub washing our dogs because they'd gotten skunked."
Says the actor: "She was like, 'What?'"
"Yeah, she calls me [the Sexiest Man Alive] now," he adds. And who can blame her?
The only way I'd completely agree with that cover is if Carrot Top was the star of it, but I still love what People did there. When I first saw it this morning, I read the words "The Women Inside The Petraeus Scandal" and then looked at that picture of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. It was so right. I mean, the Biebs is a threat to security.