Yeah Okay

I'm joking. The teaser trailer for the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street didn't give me the zzzzzs, but it did make me laugh until I burped a couple of times. As much as I love Jackie Earle Haley (dude's performance in Little Children made me report him to Chris Hansen), I can't help but think, "You were in Bad News Bears! You don't scare me!" I was seriously waiting for one of the bitches in this trailer to tell Freddy Krueger, "KELLY LEAK, STOP! Coach Buttermaker isn't going to like this!"

And since Michael Bay produced this, does that mean he made Jackie Earle Haley wash his Ferrari for the role? Because if that happened, that's the shit I want to see!

Remember Kirk Cameron's video rant from earlier this week about evolution, Darwin, Hitler (who is having the best week ever) and creationism? Understandably, Kirk got shit for it, but that isn't stopping him from continuing to spread his message! Kirk told People that he's on a mission to save the souls of our college freshmen. Kirk will visit colleges and universities to hand out a new 50-page introduction for Darwin's The Origin of Species.

Kirk said, "Atheism has been on the rise for years now, and the Bible of the atheists is The Origin of Species. We have a situation in our country where young people are entering college with a belief in God and exiting with that faith being stripped and shredded. What we want to do is have student make an informed, educated decision before they chuck their faith. I am proud to bring this to people's attention. You see things in the world that are truly distressing and you think, 'What can I do?' Well this is something I can do."

And what would Kirk say if his children believed in evolution? Kirk responded, "I accepted a lot of things that are not true before I was able to sit down and listen to more then one side and think things through the issues. I would sit them down and tell them that I was happy that they were thinking about this stuff, now let's look at all of the information and see if we don't come to a better conclusion. If after that, they still come to the same conclusion, so be it."

To be fair to some college students, it's hard to be a drunken whore with no morals when you have to get up early on a Sunday to go to church. I don't think anyone would appreciate them sitting in a pew with blood-shot eyes and crusty jizz on the corners of their mouths. It's best for everyone if they stay home and attend the Church of Father Dowling.

And just so we're clear, I know a ton of atheists who don't consider The Origin of Species as their bible. Their bible is and will always be the cocktail menu at T.G.I. Friday's.

Jude Law became a papa je'e for the fourth time earlier this week, and he just doesn't have the time to give a quick hello to his new baby friend. A source tells the Telegraph that Jude is busy doing acting shit on Broadway in Hamlet and can't fly all the way to the distant land known as Florida to visit baby Sophia. The source went to blurt out, "Sadly, Jude will not be able to see Sophia until he finishes work on Hamlet on Broadway in December."

But another friend said that Jude is hearing that his fuck time partner turned baby mama, Samantha Burke, is planning to sell her story and he wants nothing to do with it. Jude is afraid that the media will attack him like KFed attacking a refrigerator if he goes down there. The friend said, "Jude thinks that if he goes to Florida immediately, it will be a media circus. He doesn't see why he should give the paparazzi the pleasure."

You know, I doubt Samantha cares if Jude makes like his hairline and disappears. Methinks that Samantha only cares about one visitor making an appearance every single month: a fucking check from Jude! Truuuuuth!

MICHAEL JACKSON PRAISED HITLER!!!! No not at all, but that's what The Sun is kind of poking at with their story about how MJ once said Hitler was a "genius orator" during a taped conversation with his so-called friend Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. Yes, a genius "orator." You know my mind is always vacationing in the gutter, but I'm not even going to give that one a side-eye. I wonder if he spit or swallow? I'M STOPPING.

In taped conversations between Rabbi Shmuley and MJ obtained by The Sun (aka Rabbi Shmuley sold it to them in the back alley at midnight), the King of Pop reportedly says, "Hitler was a genius orator. To make that many people turn and change and hate, he had to be a showman and he was."

When Rabbi Shmuley asked MJ if he thinks he could've changed Hitler, he responded, "Absolutely. I know I could." He insisted nobody was all evil, explaining: You have to help them, give them therapy, teach them that somewhere, something in their life went wrong."HEALING with a moonwalk! It works every time.

You know, Aubrey O'Day tried to say the same thing a while ago, but it came out sounding like this: queefburpfartqueefburpfart. And yes, I just used Aubrey's name and Michael Jackson's name in the same post. I should go back to bed.

And don't you worry, Detective La Toya is in Germany right now getting to the bottom OF THIS!

You know that whole theory that every person you fuck, you're also fucking everyone who they fucked, and everyone who they fucked...etc...etc.. Well, a study done in Britain shows that the average dude and chick has done sexy times with around $2.8 million people both indirectly and directly.

6,000 British people were asked the approximate ages of each person they got down with. The data was compiled using an online calculator called the "Six Degrees of Separation." Click here to find out your number.

I tried to get my number, but it wouldn't go there. Does not compute. It's actually an accomplishment that I'm considered a slut even by mathematical standards. If you divide it by 5, cut it in half and throw a square root on it, I'm still a slut whore. This is a beautiful feeling. My mother will frame this and put it over her fireplace mantel.

If you broke the calculator with your extreme acts of slutiness too, I'll see you in quarantine where we'll all bump and screw so we can really break the system. YAY.

And if you're number is below 15 million, I can't even look at you anymore.

VIA Jezebel

Lily Allen is packing up all her shit and moving far far away from the music industry, because she claims she's done making albums.

One of the reasons why Lily is quitting that bitch is because she's sick of hos stealing her music without paying for it. Lily even started a blog devoted to music piracy and wrote up a lengthy rant on the subject (the post has since been taken down). The problem is Lily pulled a "cut and paste" move by taking the post from the blog Techdirt without giving any credit. Yes, Lily pirated a blog post on pirating. Old Man Irony jizzed all over that one.

According to Lily, her contract is up and she's not about to negotiate. She reportedly wrote on her blog (that post was also taken down):

"Just so you know, I have not renegotiated my record contract and have no plans to make another record. I do however remain a fan of new music, so this is not some selfish crusade.

The days of me making money from recording music has been and gone as far as I'm concerned, so I don't stand to profit from legislation. Except future purchases of previously recorded material."

Lily's rep tried to fix her rant of whines by saying she's not quitting music, but simply has no current plans to make a second record. Lily is apparently focusing on her acting career by starring in the West End theater production of Neil LaBute's Reasons to be Pretty.

Lily is one of those girls who has gotten everything she wanted, when she wanted, how she wanted it. So when something doesn't go her way (example: getting caught stealing someone else's blog post), bitch throws a fit, punches her dolly, pulls at her hair and stomps off. So we should all just roll our eyes, let the toddler have her tantrum and then go back to polishing our dildos.

Here's a few pictures of Lily covering her face in shame, because she got caught at the airport wearing FUGGS.

And here we go again. The Brangaloonies and the Anistonholics (yes, they exist) should take their corners.

Page Six is saying that before shooting a scene for The Bounty, Jennifer Aniston had to call for a time-out (aka an Entenmann's break) because her heart was breaking inside. According to a source, Jenny busted into a flood of tears and said the scene she was about to shoot reminded her too much of her ex-husband Brad Pitt. The source went on to yap, "While she enjoyed flirting with Gerard on set and put a brave face on every day, privately she is still very fragile."

Maybe this source got it twisted and she wasn't crying because the scene reminded her of Brad Pitt. Maybe her eyes were sweating, because she just saw the recent pictures of Brad looking like an elderly billy goat. Because those pictures made all of us cry. Kleenex stock went through the damn roof that day.

But if that's not the case, then Jen needs more dick in her life and holes. The truth. Seriously, why cry over spoiled dick?! That shit was a million and a half years ago. Fill that pain with a peen.....and vodka. Suck a dick to get over a dick!

Before you watch Aubrey O'Day's inspirational speech about her boobies and body, (NSFW) click here to see a topless picture of her at the opening night of her Las Vegas titty show yesterday. Aubrey's nipples are steaming, because the picture "leaked" and made its way around the internet. Aubrey was forced to call out from her show, because she was up all night talking to her lawyers both domestically AND internationally to get the picture off the internet. No, "talking to the lawyers" is not some new kinky sex act involving scat, Aubrey was actually on the phone with legal people. I think.

In the clip, Aubrey queefs on and on about how we should love our bodies...KUMBAYABLAHBLERBLAHBLER... Then she shows us what she looks like in her au naturale state. Yes. Whenever you need to prove a point, just show your breasts.

The truth is, I've liked Aubrey since she admitted that she was a proud member of the slut club, but I'm not sure why she's that upset about the "leaked" picture. I'm sure this is not the first time hos have made fun of her chichis. I mean, we've seen her titty balls in Playboy, on almost every street corner and in the back pages of L.A. Weekly.

Aubrey just needs to keep on sluttin' and fuck the haters. No, I mean, like she needs to literally fuck her haters. Give it to them good, keep 'em dripping for more and then never give it to them again. Giving a bitch blue balls is the best revenge.

Julia Roberts is off in India shooting Queef, Poop, Fart (aka Eat, Pray, Love) and has already made the locals curse her name, because she is invading their LIVES. One local told The Mirror that he can't get into his temple during the holiest time of the year, because Julia's movie is hogging it up.

And the locals are also pissed off, because Julia has a security staff of about 350 people (including 40 gunmen) guarding her family at all times. They say Julia takes a bulletproof car to the set every day while helicopters patrol above. Why didn't they simply ring up Quween on the Scene? Quween can do the job of a million bouncers.

You know, I have a hard time believing this little nugget since there's really no reason for Julia Roberts to have the scareds in India. I mean, cows are sacred there, so why wouldn't horses be sacred too? Yes, I came up with that one all on my own. I'm a big kid now! Next stop: potty training!

(Image VIA Splash)

The human (that's debatable) version of a Hot Topic bobble head, Marilyn Manson, will have to spend a few days resting in his coffin because he says he has the swine flu. Yeah, better late than never, I guess.

Marilyn said, "So I have officially been diagnosed, by a real doctor, with THE SWINE FLU. I know everyone will suggest that fucking a pig is how this disease was obtained. However, the doctor said, my past choices in women have in no way contributed to me acquiring this mysterious sickness. Unfortunately, I am going to survive.”

I would never suggest that Marilyn got it by boning a pig. However, I would suggest that he got it from doing massive amounts of oral with chocolate covered bacon, chicharrónes, Honey Baked ham and pig pie.

VIA Prefix Magazine