Matthew McConaughey has gone topless jogging with Lance Armsstrongduetodoping and not once did the Texas T-Rex get suspicious when the wooden floor boards broke into pieces from the sheer force of Lance's Hulk-like stomp. So when Lance came clean about playing dirty, Matthew McConaughey was sad and mad at the bitch for never telling him the truth. The Texas T-Rex, who is gaining some chunk and no longer looks like a zombie porn Giraffe circa 1975, is promoting his new movie Mud at Sundance right now and MTV News (via Yahoo) asked him what he thinks about Lance's cheating ways. Matthew said that it gave him the sads, which should give all of us the sads, because nothing is sadder than a sad T-Rex. :( Matthew said this:
"My first reaction was I was pissed off. I was mad. I then got kind of sad for him. First off, I had a part of me that took it kind of personally, which I think a lot of people have."
Matthew then said that he doesn't take it personally:
"What I mean by this is, what was he supposed to do? Call me to the side and go, 'Hey man, I did it but don't tell anybody.' Then I would have really had a reason to be pissed off at him, going, 'You want me to walk around holding this?'Where I am now is I've put myself out of the way and I am happy for this guy, who has now chosen to reenter this new chapter of his life a truly free man. And the weight he had on his shoulders, without the boogieman under the bed, the skeleton in the closet that he's carried for 14 years. Fourteen years he lied and carried the lie with him. Oprah said the other night, 'The truth will set you free,' but she forgot one part. It's miserable in the beginning. And it's going to be miserable, but he's looking it in the eye, and he'll handle it. He'll deal. And he's ready for how hard it's going to be to deal."
T-Rex, please. I know Matthew's usually got his head stuck in his bong, but his ass had to have known that Lance injected potent Go Go Juice directly into his veins. Didn't Matthew know that something in the milk was DOPE when Lance jacked his dick right off of his body during their weekly circle jerk sessions? The Texas T-Rex is just sad, because during all his years of doping, Lance never once pulled down his panties and asked Matthew to stick it in his butt. By "it," I mean the doping needle. I think.
Here's more of Matthew looking like an old, parched earth worm at Sundance over the weekend.
Taylor Swift tweeted her 23 million fans today to thank them for having her back against her non-fight with the 51-year-old meanie who said before that he barely knows who she is. Michael J. Fox said in so many words on Wednesday night that he wouldn't want his son Sam Fox dating Taylor Swift and I guess it turned into this whole thing. But Taylor talked to MJF about it and told her fans that everything is good, so they don't have to break curfew tonight to toilet paper his house, write "F U A-HOLE" in Vaseline on his car window and shit on his welcome mat.
What I'm guessing happened is that Taylor Swift called Michael J. Fox and let him know that if he ever talks shit about America's sweetheart again she'll fuck several #1 singles out of his son and he won't even get a cut of the royalties. After Michael J. Fox said, "Remind me who Taylor Swift is again," she screamed, "EXACTLY," hung up and declared victory. That'll teach everyone that the only bitch who can talk shit is Taylor Swift.
And seriously, how can Taylor's fans really have her back when she's always on it? I don't mean it like that! I mean, she's always lying on her back while making shadow puppets on the ceiling with her latest barely legal boyfriend.
As Gayle King gave Oprah a victory massage in her spot of choice (it's way too late in the week for me to describe in detail what Oprah's spot of choice is, so you decide), millions of people watched Lance Armstrong admit to being a doper and an award-winning champion liar. But as Lance barfed out the truth, I kept focusing on the shit job the set decorator did. Yes, I care about the important things. Oprah really screwed up this time, because there goes that Emmy nomination for Best Set Decoration in a Shit Show.
While watching, I kept waiting for two old ladies wearing windbreakers to walk on by, pick up a vase, look under it for the price and then scream at Oprah, "$5?! You crazy! I'll take it off your hands for two quarters and nothing more." Shit looked like an estate sale. What was with that shallow bowl thing? When are people going to learn that you can't just put an empty bowl on a table and call it design. Oprah could've thrown some tangerines in there or if she really wanted to be a bitch, she should've filled it with Truck Nutz. Maybe The Mighty O had that bowl on hand, because she was going to use it to collect Lance's nut if he refused to come clean. And that mysterious box on the table? Gayle King should've come out in a rhinestone gown ala Price is Right and opened it to reveal Lance's favorite shootin' up needle. But she didn't. That box and that bowl were about as useless as those bendy straws. I swear, Oprah should've hired Sandra Lee to do the background tablescape. Anyway, enough about that. Now let's move on to less important matters.
Lance finally admitted that starting in the 90s, he took performance-enhancing drugs including blood doping, EPO, testosterone and HGH. Lance admitted that he took them before all of seven of his Tour de France victories, but that he stopped doping in 2005. Lance also admitted to being a first-rate shit bag to anybody who outed him as a doping cheat. Lance was never afraid he'd get caught and he never thought he was going to get caught. Lance doped up, because a lot of the other cyclists were doping up and he wanted to level the playing field. Lance called himself an "arrogant prick" and said that he just got caught up in the lie and so he kept on lie-telling:
"I view this situation as one big lie that I repeated a lot of times. I know the truth. The truth isn't what was out there. The truth isn't what I said. I'm a flawed character, as I well know. All the fault and all the blame here falls on me."
The weirdest part of the interview was when Lance told Oprah that he had called Betsy Andreu, an accuser who refused to lie for him, and said this to her:
"I called you crazy. I called you a bitch. But I never called you fat."
Betsy responded by saying, "Phew! I'm so glad you don't think I'm fat, Lance. I'd rather be a crazy skinny bitch than a sane fat nicey person." It's nice to know that the potent drug known as CRAZY is still flowing through Lance's veins.
And I'd like to take this time to confess to all of you that for years I've been using performance-enhancing drugs for bloggers like boxed wine, pocket pies and weed. Wait, or maybe those are performance-degrading drugs. I could've read the labels wrong.
Over the weekend there was a rumor that in a darkened conference room somewhere in L.A., Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence were whispering sweet nothings like, "I'll give you 5 staged photo-ops a month if you say that the sex is mind-boggling in an interview with Cosmo," into each other's ears as their publicists negotiated their relationship contract. B. Coop is beard-less after breaking with Zoe Saldana and Jennifer Lawrence recently broke up with the boy from About A Boy, so a rumor claimed that they were rebounding with each other. But at the Golden Globes last night, B. Coop denied it to Stepford robot Nancy O'Dell:
"We've done two movies together. If it didn't happen by now, it's not going to happen. No no no no no. Not even close. First of all I could be her father. I love her to death. She's amazing but no."
If B. Coop was dating Jennifer Lawrence, he'd have a giant red mark on his face from Victor Garber slapping him down. Victor Garber is supposed to be B. Coop's go-to-rebound piece after he shaves his latest beard off. Not Jennifer Lawrence! And I think I'm the only one who actually liked Jennifer Lawrence's speech. I mean, she quoted First Wives Club! That made up for the fact that she wore a dress that made her titties look like two melting snow cones.
Radar is trying to make us believe that Taylor Swift and Harry Styles didn't break up, because the expiration date on their contract read: January 5, 2013. Radar says that they broke up, because he's a man whore-in-training and she's prude whose idea of a hot Saturday night is watching Antiques Roadshow while knitting her cat a poncho (Note: If you replaced "knitting her cat a poncho" with "playing patty cake with his dog," that's pretty much me on a Saturday night too. Maybe I should date Taylor Swift).
In a piece that reads like fanfic co-written by Taylor's publicist and a nosy neighbor from the 1950s, Radar says that Harry left Taylor with a broken heart, because she just wouldn't give up the panty enough. A "friend" of Taylor's said this:
“Taylor is so concerned that the public will think she’s a whore because she dates around, that she doesn’t put out. What she doesn’t get is that the guys keep dumping her because she’s being a prude. Harry found Taylor a little sexually uninterested. While it was clear she obviously had a thing for Harry, Taylor didn’t want to put out as often as he would’ve liked. Harry is a young boy, with ladies throwing themselves at him and has had a string of relationships with older women.
It’s no secret he’s sexually active and is enjoying his fame at the moment. But Taylor just wasn’t up for it as much as he is. They were sexually incompatible. Having a clean and wholesome reputation is super important to Taylor. She puts herself in these stupid situations but then honestly can’t understand why she’s getting such a shabby reputation. Harry wants to go out to fancy bars and clubs and enjoy being young – but Taylor’s more of a homebody and all she would talk about was antiques! It drove him crazy, so he gave her the elbow!”
It's funny that they said "gave her the elbow," because "getting the elbow" means something completely different in my world. And yes, I meant to give an image of elbow sex. Oh, to have Taylor's problems. Taylor picks up a young piece, gets dumped for not putting out, writes a #1 song about it and then picks up another young piece to start the cycle all over again. I used to get repeatedly dumped for putting out TOO fast and I have no #1 song to show for it.
And speaking of #1 revenge songs, Taylor tweeted this today....
Before you are granted the right to interview the permanent president of the Beyonce fan club, Beyonce herself, you have to agree to become a part of the Beyonce archives forever. GQ's Amy Wallace writes in a cover story about Beyonce that anybody who interviews her is taped and that footage goes directly into a massive vault of all things her. Beyonce claims to have a picture of every picture taken during her career and she keeps it all in a museum to herself. So you know that picture your second cousin took from the 900th row at the Beyonce concert and then posted it on Facebook? One of Beyonce's minions (Basement Baby or a forgotten child of Destiny) found that picture, printed it out and stuck it in a file for possible future reference. Bitch keeps better records than the government.
Beyonce stars in her own unaired reality show about herself, because she has a full-time "visual director" (aka an ego tracker) who documents her every waking moment. Correction: The visual director also documents her non-waking moments, because while some simple hos talk in their sleep, Beyonce sings new, original and unique material in her sleep. Beyonce used just some of the millions of hours of footage for an HBO documentary about her, starring her, produced by her and directed by her.
As always, Beyonce kept it humble during the interview and said that as far as she knows she's the hardest-working human in the music industry and she's earned her place as the queen of everything. Beyonce ended the interview by burping up this organic humble pie crumb:
"I now know that, yes, I am powerful. I'm more powerful than my mind can even digest and understand."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That quote is so powerful and it's more powerful than my mind can even digest and understand. Even GOOPY Paltrow is like, "Calm down, ho."
In other Beyonce news, she announced on Facebook today that she has fulfilled her charitable contributions for the year by recording a new Destiny's Child song with the lessers known as Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams.
Justin Timberlake tweeted this last night: "Thursday, January 10th, 2013 at 9:01 am PST..."
A bunch of people assumed that on January 10th, 2013 at 9:01 am PST, Justin would drop a new single featuring Beyonce and Jay-Z. But nope, on January 10th, 2013 at 9:01 am PST, Justin posted a dramatic as hell YouTube video where he announced his return to music. THIS BITCH's ego is on steroids, because he's laying it on thick. Even Jesus didn't make this kind of announcement three days before Easter. Damn. I'd expect this kind of announcement if scientists found a way to bring John Lennon and George Harrison back to life and they were starting to work on a new Beatles album. Justin is acting like our world has been in black and white ever since he stopped making music and now our world is in color again after announcing that he's giving us new songs. I know, we should be dropping to our knees and thanking him for ending this dark period in our lives. Bitch, you made "SexyBack"! Bitch even has a countdown clock on his website. Only musical messiah Pia Zadora should be making announcements like this, not Justin Timberlake.
And if you replace the word "music" with "poop" in that video announcement, it would sound like a commercial for Metamucil.
The real good news here is that Justin will be too busy with making new music to act in movies. So there's that.
Add "Elizabeth Taylor's bracelet" to the list of ten thousand things that Lindsay Lohan allegedly put her sticky fingers on while filming Liz & Dick. Kleptohan was accused of trashing La Liz's old trailer and stealing a rocking chair, and now La Liz's longtime nurse is claiming that the freckled snatcher took a fancy bracelet from her.
Radar says that Liz's nurse got friendly with LiLo (mistake #1) during filming and invited her over (mistake #2) to show her an expensive bracelet from La Liz (mistake #2). Right after LiLo's visit, the nurse realized she got Lohan'd. The nurse's bracelet from Elizabeth Taylor was missing and LiLo kept denying she took it. When the nurse threatened to call the cops, LiLo magically spit up the bracelet and gave it back. I really hope that when LiLo gave it back, she at least dropped it on the table after saying, "This has always brought me good luck." It's what Liz would've wanted. The source had this to say about LiLo's latest act of thievery:
“Elizabeth had given the nurse an expensive bracelet that was very meaningful to her and the nurse absolutely cherished it. Lindsay immediately fell in love with the bracelet the minute she saw it and was very vocal about how much she admired it. A short time later, the bracelet disappeared from the nurse’s house … on the very same day Lindsay had been to visit.
The nurse initially gave Lindsay the benefit of the doubt, thinking that she had just accidentally forgotten to take the bracelet off after trying it on. However, that theory was soon shot down after she called Lindsay and she swore she did not take the bracelet and categorically denied having it in her possession. The nurse knew that was a blatant lie as the bracelet disappeared after Lindsay was at the house and she knew that it had to have been Lindsay who took it. In the end, it took over a week to get the bracelet back from Lindsay and it was only returned after the nurse threatened to call the cops. One of Lindsay’s people eventually returned the bracelet to the nurse, who was extremely upset about what had transpired."
Radar also has a story about how Bravo tried to take back the $250,000 worth of furniture that they gave LiLo for the show Million Dollar Decorators after she refused to film the big reveal. Bravo couldn't get any of the furniture back because she moved it all to an unknown storage unit. I saw that episode last night and can't believe that crap was worth $250,000. You can get all that shit at a PB Kids outlet.
Anyway, how does everybody not know that Lindsay Lohan takes shit? That nurse should know that LiLo will steal a tampon right out of your twat if she needed one. It's her way and it's the reason why State Farm now offers Lindsay Lohan insurance to homeowners. It's half of that nurse's fault for not slapping LoJack and The Club on that bracelet before letting LiLo even know that it exists.
Everybody should do what my abuelita did practically every night: spoon with your pocketbook in bed, because you never know when a Lohan might try to take something from it.
Justin Bieber + James Franco + KMart wigs + a corporate apartment + extra large dentures + too much free time + an on-call weed man + everything in the medicine cabinet + a pink napkin over a flashlight = THIS MESS RIGHT THERE.
James Franco uploaded (and then deleted) a video to his WhoSay page of him, his rumored fuck piece Ashley Benson and some dude grinding and simulating dog sex to Justin Bieber's "Boyfriend." This is James Franco on James Franco and it's also the worst and scariest installment of Paranormal Activity ever. Before you say that James Franco is getting way too old for this shit, I'll have you know that HIGH ART knows no age. (But seriously, James Franco is getting way too old for this shit and shouldn't he be studying to get his 89th degree in whatever, or something?)
via Just Jared
The paparazzo who was killed while trying to take pictures of The Lesbeaver was supposedly stalking his ass all day, because the pap was told that the Canadian Baby Jesus is hooked on that good shit and he wanted the first pictures of Justin getting high. Well, a day after the paparazzo was killed, somebody did get pictures of Justin Bieber sucking on a blunt. Our little Canadian Baby Jesus is growing up, because he's traded his pacifier and bottle for a Corona and a blunt, and TMZ posted the proof last night.
On January 2nd, the Biebs and his best friend 4eva Lil Twist, who was driving Justin's Ferrari at the time the paparazzo was ran over, smoked up at a hotel in Newport Beach, CA. TMZ's source says that Lil Twist and his brother rolled up the party favors and passed them to everyone in the room. Everyone in that hotel room knows what it's like to get dutch oven'ed by Willie Nelson, because the room quickly filled up with pot smoke. Justin's security guards were in the room, but they must've been too busy trying to inhale the air, because they didn't care that people were taking pictures of the chosen one swallowing clouds of weed smoke. Justin sort of responded to the pics on Twitter and he was probably still high when he did it, because he let out some deep words of wisdom that only a stoner would let out after taking twenty too many bong hits:
"everyday growing and learning. trying to be better. u get knocked down, u get up."
I know, an 18-year-old smoking weed is just one big "....AND?"
Justin doesn't need to explain anything, because obviously he only uses the good shit for medicinal purposes. I mean, menstrual cramps are a bitch!