Because waving at your subjects and cutting ribbons at the opening of gardens is really hard work, Duchess Kate and Princess William (typo and it stays) got on a plane and flew all the way to Mustique for a babymoon. (Ugh, the phrase "babymoon" hurts my eyes almost as much as the phrase "over the moon" does) last week. While in Mustique, a 4 month knocked up Duchess Kate got into a two piece to take the royal fetus for a swim and a paparazzo got pictures of her "squint and you might see it" bump and sold those pictures to Italy's Chi Magazine.
The last time Duchess Kate and Prince William got in their swimming chonies, a French paparazzo got a picture of her sunning her royal nipple knobs and everybody lost their minds. The newest pictures don't show Kate's royal nipple knobs, but The Queen is still covering Prince Philip's eyes with her pocketbook, because he probably can't take seeing a pregnant woman in a two piece! A messenger from St. James Palace pulled out a scroll and read this statement from the royals:
"We are disappointed that photographs of the Duke and Duchess on a private holiday look likely to be published overseas. This is a clear breach of the couple's right to privacy."
The palace said that the paparazzo used one of those long lenses to get pictures of Kate and William without them knowing. The pictures are pretty damn blurry and it could be two boiled turnips in swimming clothes for all I know, but the pictures are clear enough for me to see that Prince William's got body. Who knew? If he put a Prince Hot Ginge mask over his head, he'd totally be panty creamer material.
And yeah, Duchess Kate and Prince William's lives are so hard.
Elle Magazine pulled Taylor Swift out of 4th period English, bought her a Coke and sat her down at one of the metal benches in the quad to ask her about her love life and about how she turns the notes she writes about boys in her Hello Kitty diary into #1 hit singles. Taylor twirled her hair, chewed on a piece of watermelon BubbleYum and ewwww-ed at Elle's split ends before telling them that she doesn't chase after boys and it isn't her fault that everyone analyzes her songs to find out who they're about. Yes, Taylor Swift buys houses right next to a dude she's dated for five seconds and yes, she constantly drops hints about which boyfriend "inspired" which songs, but that's not called "chasing" or "pandering." It's called make smart real estate and business decisions! The 14-year-old trapped in the body of a stretched out Lemon Meringue doll said this to Elle:
On how she doesn't yell at boyfriends: “I don’t think I’ve ever yelled at an ex-boyfriend. Ever. I’m not a yeller. I’m not a fit thrower. If something is done, it’s done.”
On writing songs about her exes: “To me it’s just writing songs the way I always have. It’s me sitting on my bed feeling pain I didn’t understand, writing a song, and understanding it better. If people want to dissect the lyrics, that’s their right, but it’s all coming from the exact same place as where I started. It’s just something I do to feel better.”
On how she's not a boy chaser: "I'm sure if I looked up the latest Google Alerts rumor it would say I’m chasing somebody who doesn’t like me as much as I like him – people love that angle on me. They’re like "Oh Taylor, coming on too strong again, chasing boys. I never chase boys. They don't like it!"
Taylor Swift not a fit thrower? I bet if you asked one of the stuffed animals who hangs out on the net in the corner of her bedroom, it'll tell you that she has been known to throw a hissy fit on her strawberry rug when her Snoopy Sno-Cone machine stops working. And of course Taylor Swift doesn't chase boys. She just sneaks into their room, crawls into their bed and stares at them until they wake up, get spooked and promise to go on a date with her if she stops staring at them. Or she just gets her publicist to chase after them for her.
And only a trick with a 14-year-old brain would say some shit like, "I don't chase boys! They don't like it!" Bitch, stop. When you're grown, you don't give a shit anymore. You'll ask a dude out and you will chase a dude as long as you get some good dick out of it. I've gotten on a Greyhound bus for some dick and the dude even told me, "Yeah, you can come over, but you can't stay the night." You know you're not above "chasing a dude" when you get on a 3 hour bus ride for some 10 second dick. ("Michael, that's not called 'chasing dudes.' That's called being a desperate slut with no dignity." - you "You know, I like the way you say it better." - me)
As JLo pulled the fame whoring leg move at the Grammys, the fame whoring leg move's original creator Angie Jolie was at a different awards show and her fame whoring leg had the night off. Angie Jolie shocked everyone by wearing another grey dress to give a lifetime achievement award to Dean Semler, the director of photography on In the Land of Blood and Honey, at the Society of Cinematographers Outstanding Achievement Awards in Hollywood last night. Angie Jo looked cold, tired, malnourished and her cheeks looked like two plastic nutsacks slipping off of her face, but you too would look like a living advertisement for The Walking Dead if you spent your days keeping the child army in check, running after virgins to suck the youth out of and rolling your eyes at the amazing furniture designs that Brad Pitt sketched while high on the good shit.
I was going to say that Angie should be the new pope, but that would be a demotion. If God is one of the CEOs of all things holy, then the pope is the assistant night manager IF THAT. It's totally beneath St. Angie.
There are many things that Cissy Houston hates like Bobby Brown, the thought of Whitney Houston clit wrestling with her best friend, lesbian stuff and gay stuff, but what she really hates is the invitation she got in the mail for Clive Davis' pre-Grammy party on Saturday night. Whitney Houston died hours before Clive Davis' annual party last year and this year he's paying tribute to her at his party and invited the entire Houston family. Gary Houston, the brother who said to Whitney many years ago, "Whitney, meet crack, crack meet Whitney," is going to the party, but Cissy Houston is not. Cissy Houston tells Access Hollywood that she was so offended by Clive's invitation that she clutched her pearls, slapped a grandchild and ripped off her wig (and Cissy doesn't even wear a wig!). Cissy said she'll never go to a party at the same hotel where her daughter died.
“I got an invitation to the party — which is the most obscene thing. I don’t know why they would want me to come to the party in which she died, you know? Unheard of. I guess maybe he just sent me a copy for remembrance sake.”
So let's see...
Clive Davis inviting Cissy Houston to his party = OBSCENE! UNHEARD OF! TRASHY! DISGUSTING!
Cissy Houston making money off of a tell-all about her daughter's life = none of those words above
Got it, Cissy!
And here's Cissy at the unveiling of four new wax statues of Whitney Houston at Madam Tussauds in NYC yesterday.
I know that all of you missed BEYONCE: THE CONCERT (featuring the Super Bowl), because you were high on acid and scratching at the TV as it played the Kitty Halftime Show on a loop, so here's the full video of Blue Ivy Carter's mother giving us the greatest drag show on earth. Beyonce sang! Beyonce popped her ass! Beyonce left cuts on the faces of the hos in the front row when she whipped them repeatedly with her weave! If you have a 3D TV, then you are probably in the emergency room right now, because Beyonce's bulging ass eyeballs knocked you in the face and put stars over your head.
My favorite part was when Michelle Williams and Kelly "When Did This Bitch Get So Hot?" Rowland literally popped up from the basement for a minute before Beyonce sent them back to the unemployment office. Michelle was my favorite, because she served up some Verdine White glamour for days.
And where was Basement Baby?! My guess is that she was in Beyonce's dressing room and was the one who knocked the power out when she plugged a flat iron into a plug to straighten out Beyonce's after-party wig. Poor BB, she can't even flat iron a wig right!
Frank Ocean just ruined the party. Here I was ready to put on my cone party hat and throw the confetti as The Difficult Brown was dragged off to a jail cell in cuffs. But cancel the DJ, make your grandma a plate and roll up the dance floor, because the party has been canceled now that Frank Ocean is trying to be the bigger man by not pressing charges against Chris Brown. Boo you whore!
Right after Chris Brown and Frank Ocean got into a parking lot brawl, Frank was supposedly thinking about throwing charges at Fist Brown for punching him in the face. No charges will be thrown at Chris. Yesterday, Frank got all poetic when he said in a note on his site that he's going to forgive Chris Brown and move on without pressing charges, because he's a modern person and an artist and a sanity chooser.
AS A CHILD I THOUGHT IF SOMEONE JUMPED ME IT WOULD RESULT IN ME MURDERING OR MUTILATING A MAN. BUT AS A MAN I AM NOT A KILLER. I’M AN ARTIST AND A MODERN PERSON. I’LL CHOOSE SANITY. NO CRIMINAL CHARGES. NO CIVIL LAWSUIT. FORGIVENESS, ALBEIT DIFFICULT, IS WISDOM. PEACE, ALBEIT TRITE, IS WHAT I WANT IN MY SHORT LIFE. PEACE.
Meanwhile, Frank's producer Michael Uzowur wrote in a blog post on Formspring (via TMZ) that he thinks the whole thing was a set up. Frank showed up to the studio and found Chris Brown's Lamborghini parked in a space that was clearly marked with the name FRANK. When Chris Brown came out with his entourage, Frank told him to move his car. That's when a big dude in Chris' entourage fisted one of Frank's friends Chito in the face for no reason. As the big dude continued to bruise up Chito, Chris and Chris' friend pushed Frank into a glass candle display and tried to beat all the oceans out of his ass. Michael thinks that Chris planned it from the beginning.
Fighting over a parking spot and then breaking a glass candle display? Some fight! This mess sounds like a fight between your abuelita and my abuelita in front of a Hallmark store. (SPOILER ALERT: My abuelita wins by pulling your abuelita's dentures out.)
I don't know what's worse: Frank Ocean not kicking Chris Brown into a cell or Frank Ocean pressing the Kanye key on his laptop before typing the bad news to us. I can't look at you, Frank Ocean!
After weeks of barfing out a million denials covered in zesty sauce, Burger King finally admitted that if you ate a Whopper at one of their fine gourmet establishments in the UK, then you might've chewed on a ground up piece of the Black Stallion's nipple. Sarah Jessica Parker just stared in horror at her half-eaten Whopper and cried out "AUNTIE?!!!" before dropping it and galloping away.
When the grocery chain Tesco and a bunch of other companies found out that they sold ground beef with horse and pig in it, Burger King shook their heads no and swore on a bushel of the King's sweet potato curly pubes that all of their burgers are made with 100% beef. Even though BK's meat came from the same plant where the horse-tainted beef was found, they still denied it. But then BK did their own DNA tests and found out that yup, there's Seabiscuit in that shit. They pushed out this statement to The Guardian:
"Our independent DNA test results on product taken from restaurants were negative for any equine DNA. However, four samples recently taken from the Silvercrest plant have shown the presence of very small trace levels of equine DNA. Within the last 36 hours, we have established that Silvercrest used a small percentage of beef imported from a non-approved supplier in Poland. They promised to deliver 100% British and Irish beef patties and have not done so. This is a clear violation of our specifications, and we have terminated our relationship with them.
[The company was] deeply troubled by the findings of our investigation and apologise to our guests, who trust us to source only the highest quality 100% beef burgers. Our supplier has failed us and in turn we have failed you".
"The highest quality 100% beef burgers"? That is some charbroiled bullshittery right there. Who expects Kobe beef-like hamburgers when they go to Burger King? You know that when you go to BK you're going to get the wrong stuff between two buns (Side note: "Wrong stuff between two buns" is what's written on my medical file every time I go to the free clinic for a prostate check). I'm surprised that there's more than just horse meat in there. I eat too much fast food and every time I eat that crap, I know that I probably just ate a patty made of worms, subway rats and coagulated chicken jelly. They're allowed to call it beef because they get a cow to queef on it before they ship it off. I still eat it, it's still delicious and it still makes my butt cry for mercy on the toilet.
So yeah, if you've eaten fast food, then I'm sure you've wrapped your mouth around a big piece of horse meat before. You sick Equus bitch.
At a press conference for the Super Bowl in New Orleans today, Beyonce strolled out on stage and told everybody to stand, which is kind of weird. Why weren't they already standing? It's Beyonce! She's more powerful and important than the President and the Pope combined. Even paraplegics find a way to stand for Beyonce. Once everybody stood (Side note: the people who didn't stand were immediately dragged away to the basement and will never be heard from again), Beyonce sang The National Anthem to prove to hos that she can sing live. Beyonce then dropped the mic and served everybody pâté made from her placenta to prove to everyone that she was pregnant with Blue Ivy Carter.
Once Beyonce was done hollerin, she started taking questions from reporters and of course the first question was about the lip-synching scandal. Beyonce admitted that she sang to a backing track, but she did it for her country!
"I am a perfectionist and one thing about me is I practice until my feet bleed. I did not have time to rehearse with the orchestra. It was a live television show and a very, very important emotional show for me. One of my proudest moments. Due to the weather, due to the delay, due to no proper sound check, I did not feel comfortable taking the risk. It was about the president and the inauguration. I wanted to make my country proud, so I decided to sing along with my pre-recorded track, which is very common in the music industry. And I’m very proud of my performance."
Now that we've gotten that out of the way, can somebody please send me the link for the live stream of the press conference for the Puppy Bowl Kitty Halftime Show, because I really need to hear what those pussies have to say.
On one of the episodes of The Real Plastic Brains of Beverly Hills, Brandi Glanville became the #1 enemy of the Maloofs when she spilled a secret about their lives. Adrienne Maloof threatened Brandi with a lawsuit and also threatened Bravo with a lawsuit, so the "scandalous secret" was bleeped from the episode. My guess was that Brandi told everyone that Adrienne is the Beast from Beauty and the Beast and that dum-dum Belle never kissed him in time to break the curse, so he made the best out of his look by getting a whole lot of plastic surgery to become the feline beauty he is today. But I was wrong.
Shortly after that episode air, there was a rumor that Brandi told the other ghouls that Adrienne used a surrogate to have her kids, because she didn't want to mess up her body. UsWeekly repeated that rumor last week. Adrienne wasn't ready to talk about it, but then Life & Style waved a check at her and suddenly she was ready! Adrienne says that her and her now estranged husband Paul did use a surrogate to have their twin boys, but she didn't use one because she didn't want to get fat. They used a surrogate because she had a lot of complications when she was pregnant with her fist kid. Adrienne was waiting until her twins were older to tell them that they didn't bake in her uterus, but Brandi took that away from her!!!!!!!!!
“I would think Brandi, being a single mother, would have a heart and understand my feelings, where I’m coming from. Brandi took away something so precious from our family. Brandi did destroy our family. Right now I’m really hurt and upset, especially because I’ve stuck up for Brandi as a mother in the past.”
When Life & Style asked Brandi for a response, she just shrugged and said that everybody knew about it, but Adrienne always lied and said that she's the one who carried her twins.
So the huge slanderous scandal is that Adrienne used a surrogate? The hell kind of scandal is that? Even if Adrienne used a surrogate because she didn't want to get fat, who cares? It's not a big deal and it's not bleep-worthy. Besides, I really thought most rich ass women in Beverly Hills used surrogates. You know, I thought they all had a room in their 50,000 square foot mansions that housed a surrogate carrying their baby, a Petri growing their next face and a lab rat with their new labia on its back.
Sheryl Crow started dating Lance Armstrong in 2003, so some think she obviously knew he was filling his veins up with EPO. It's kind of hard to ignore that fact, because every time they had missionary sex, Lance's Hulk-like dick lifted Sheryl's body two feet above the bed. But if Sheryl knew, she didn't say anything then and she's not saying anything now. Sheryl talked to Entertainment Tonight about the whole doping scandal and she kept her answers vague, only saying that she feels "bad" that Lance has to give up the titles he worked so hard to get (insert michelleobamaeyeroll.gif here). One of the people who blew the whistle on the doped-up douchebag in Spandex shorts isn't letting Sheryl Crow get away and is yanking at that bitch's hair for keeping her lips shut the entire time.
Betsy Andreu, the wife of one of Lance's fellow dopers, tells The Daily Mail that she thinks it's sick and weak of Sheryl Crow to not say anything when she could've saved a lot of his accusers from being attacked by him. Betsy let out this anti-Stand By Your Man anthem to the Mail:
"Are you kidding me? She was his fiancé. She surely knew what was going on. She could have helped other people. I am appalled and ashamed at how weak women were in this whole saga. It is an embarrassment. Sheryl was by his side when he was trying to destroy people and she said nothing. That’s unconscionable. I mean it just astounds me. You should know people are telling the truth and you’re silent. It’s sick. My God she was engaged to the guy. She, like so many other women, did not speak up. If they went through what we went through, would they want somebody to speak up? She could have done something. Somebody should ask Sheryl ‘did you see the blood tranfusions? Were drugs ever stored in your home? Did you see any of that in your house?'"
GOOD GOD GIRL GET A GRIP. At least Lance never called you fat! Lance called you crazy, called you a bitch, but he never called you fat! What more do you want? Do you want him to say you look good in those jeans? Okay, Lance thinks you look good in those jeans. There!
And in that picture above, I know that thing on Sheryl's dress is a snake (how appropriate), but the part on the left looks more like a gilded circumcised peen to me. I would.