Surprisingly enough, all the Supreme Court Justices didn't stop the Prop 8 hearings yesterday to announce that after much consideration, they've decided to overturn Prop 8 and also make marriage legal for everyone everywhere, because when it came down to it they realized that they really, really just want to see Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married. But that didn't happen, so Brad and St. Angie are still the opposite of married.
St. Angie graced the Congo with her holy presence a few days ago and when she got there, she wasn't wearing the huge 5,000-carat diamond engagement ring that is so damn expensive she could probably buy the entire Congo with it. Instead, St. Angie wore a demure gold wedding band, which made some hos start screaming about how she must've gotten secret married to Brad Pitt. But no, she didn't. St. Angie left her Fortress of Solitude-sized ring at home, because wearing a diamond ring that big in the Congo is wrong for many reasons and because wearing a wedding band will get her a tabloid cover or two.
While serving up some "2008 Michael Jackson meets business woman Morticia Addams" realness, Angie strolled through LAX yesterday and a mere mortal from TMZ dared asked the human halo of infinite light if she got married. She spat out a "no." Then when he turned off the camera, she turned around, wrapped her zombie witch hands around his neck and swallowed his soul until all that was left of him was a pile of bone dust. That settles that!
Lucifer's favorite carrier pigeon Kim Kardashian is still doing the talk show rounds to promote the Kimye fetus (and to also sometimes promote that Tyler Perry movie she's in) and while on Kelly & Michael yesterday morning, she once again opened her mouth to talk about how many pounds she's put on her knocked up body. Kim already said that she weighs 140 pounds and yesterday she told Michael Strahan and Kelly's sub Kristen Chenoweth that she's gained around 20 pounds of chunk since a fetus checked into her uterus. And I'm sure your brain will gain 20 pounds of useless information while reading what came out of Kim's mouth. via Hollywood Life:
“I’ve gained 20 pounds, at this stage Kourtney had already gained like 30. I probably will gain all that weight, they say you gain that at the end,” she added. “I probably will gain that 65, just give me a couple more months. I want to have those cravings that everyone is saying, like cheeseburgers, I really haven’t had that. I just want to go home and sit in bed and pig out, and I really only crave healthy food.”
We get it Kim. You weigh less than Jon Hamm's fat dick and you pour fat-free ranch dressing instead of cheeseburger sauce on Kanye's b-hole before you start munching. Everyone gets it. Slow clap for you. Not really, but you know who we should really be slow clapping for? Kim's stylist for putting together another beautiful masterpiece. Here's Kim walking around NYC yesterday while wearing a dress by Hillshire Farms. That dress looks like a Fruit Roll-up made of baby diarrhea. I guess Kim figures that she's going to be covered in baby shit in a few months*, so she might as well get a hard start.
* It was a joke. Kim will never be covered with baby diarrhea, because she's going to pass that kid off to her nanny before the surgeons finishes stitching up her post-C-section tummy tuck.
Amanda Knox and her ex-boyfriend Raffaele Sollecito were convicted of murdering her roommate Meredith Kercher and then they were acquitted and then a dude named Ray Guede was convicted of the murder, and now the Italian Supreme Court has decided to try her ass again, because why not? The judges of Italy's Supreme Court announced today that they will retry both Foxy Knoxy and Raffaele Sollecito. Judge Saverio Chieffi told the court that he will present his reasons behind the decision within three months and once he does both sides will have 45 days to present their case. The retrial won't happen until next year in Florence.
CNN says that right after Amanda Knox was acquitted in 2011, she put her ass on a plane to Seattle and she hasn't been back to Italy since. Having lunch at the Olive Garden is probably the closest she's ever gotten to visiting Italy again. Although, the Olive Garden is so authentic that it practically IS Italy. The court will probably retry Amanda without her being there, but there's a chance Italy could ask the US to send her back for the trial. But the US will probably never extradite Amanda Knox to Italy, because in the US you can't be tried twice on the same allegation. So basically, instead of sending Amanda Knox, the US will send a DVD copy of Double Jeopardy starring Ashley Judd.
A lawyer for Meredith's family said that they are happy with the decision, because they feel that the ruling that set Amanda and Raffaele free was "superficial" and "unbalanced." They still believe that more than one person was in the room with their daughter when she was murdered.
Foxy Knoxy said in a statement this morning that the high court's ruling is "painful" and "unfair."
Nancy Grace said in a statement this morning, "YAAAAASSSSS!" Since the Jodi Arias case is almost over, Nancy's going to need another pretty girl murder case to cream over.
On this week's priceless cover of InTouch Weekly, they have a herp derp picture of Kim Kartrashian next to the headline "I CAN'T STOP EATING," and this week's National Enquirer also says that she's gained 65 pounds from Jessica Simpsoning her way through her pregnancy. But Kim says that those stories are about as true as her last marriage. While promoting that Tyler Perry movie she's in, Pimp Mama Kris' number one ho told OMG Insider (via ONTD) that the number 200 doesn't look back at her when she steps on the scale and she hasn't turned her mouth into a food court trash can by filling it with tons of delicious junk. Kim also said that she's not suffocating the Kimye fetus by shoving her body into a four-sizes-too-small leather skirt.
"It says that I'm like 200 pounds on there. That's like, definitely a good 60 pounds off. It's ridiculous. Obviously you don't want to be called fat, but I'm pregnant. I would hope to gain some weight.
What's so funny is I love junk food and I love fast food, I love sweets, ice cream. I haven't been able to eat any of that since I've been pregnant. I am so sad that I'm not craving like In-N-Out and Taco Bell. None of it. That's what I was craving before. I'm craving like carrots and celery with ranch.
I wore this like leather skirt and by the way it's a maternity skirt that I had made. Like everything is bigger. And they're like, 'Oh you can't wear anything tight. That is ridiculous.' They have pregnancy Spanx that are tighter than the skirt I'm wearing. I want to feel good about myself and still feel fashionable. That's who I am. Happy mommy, happy baby."
Since Kim K's mouth is a ticker tape machine of lies, just reverse everything she said there and that's the truth. So Kim weighs more than 200 pounds, eats a Double Double animal-style off of Kanye's pussy hole three times a day and that leather skirt was so tight her baby had to stick its head out of her cooch to get some air.
And here's Kim not looking good and not looking fashionable at LAX last night.
I wish was following that headline with the line "to focus on a new career in porn," but I unfortunately for all of us I'm not. The third greatest member of the new Mickey Mouse Club (after Deedee Magno and Chase Hampton) is going to take a break from working, because his ass is rich and he can take a long sabbatical and still expect money to spit out of the ATM when he enters his pin. Millionaire bitches and their breaks! Ryan tells the Associated Press that after he promotes all the movies he's already made and directs that movie with Christina Hendricks, he's just going to lie naked on his couch and watch court shows all day.
"I've been doing it too much. I've lost perspective on what I'm doing. I think it's good for me to take a break and reassess why I'm doing it and how I'm doing it. And I think this is probably a good way to learn about that. I need a break from myself as much as I imagine the audience does.
The more opportunities I'm given, the more I learn about how easy it is to (expletive) it up. You fight for freedom and then you get it, and then you have enough rope to hang yourself. It's like trying to exercise some restraint because I do have so much freedom."
Translation: "I should've never made that Gangster Squad piece of shit. It fucked up my swag."
I'd like to think that Ryan is going to spend his vacation selling jars of his dick sweat on Etsy or keeping a Tumblr diary of the daily adventures of his abs, but you know he's going to spend it boning that trick heffa Eva Mendes and feeding apples to his dog (not at the same time...I think).
Here's Ryan in NYC today walking around and peering into cars like he's buying the good shit or selling ass.
Here's Katie Holmes in a photo shoot for Allure (via UsWeekly) that was inspired by the time she escaped the Scientology Celebrity Centre using the sewer system and was caught by her handlers two blocks away, climbing half-naked out of a manhole while looking wet, scared, confused and a little constipated.
In her riveting interview with Allure, Katie says that she's thinking of going to law school and that last year was such a tragic year (see: Hurricane Sandy, the Connecticut shooting) and she hopes this year is full of peace. Then she played the flute and wore a one piece in the swimsuit competition before placing third. Yeah, Katie's interviews still sound like some shit out of a Miss America pageant. You can take the girl out of Scientology but you can't take the microchip out of her brain.
Katie was also asked if she'd ever be into giving Suri a brother or a sister and she only said, "I don't know. I'm open to it." I know I'm only reading her words, but I feel the hesitation. It's like the same hesitation you'll hear in John Travolta's voice if you ask him if he wants to top. Katie is probably hesitant, because the last time she was pregnant, grown men in lab coats constantly rubbed barley butter on her stomach, she had to regularly put ultrasonic e-meter cans on her belly to read her fetus' thoughts and she couldn't even scream while giving birth. So yeah, she probably wants to stay out of a labor room for a while.
Goopy Paltrow really spilled all her thoughts out while lying on the therapist couch at Self Magazine. Goop admitted to starving her family of carbs, said she almost died while pregnant with the child she miscarried and she also said that her insane diet changed her marriage to Chris Martin. Goop said that her family doesn't eat any gluten, bread, pasta, cheese, sugar and many other delicious things, but now she says that she only eats like that for a month or two a year. Blue Ivy Carter's auntie went on the no food diet a couple of years ago when she felt like she was spinning out of control and turning into a real grouch to the cunth degree (no comment).
A couple of years ago, I got really run down. I had to sing at awards shows, which was fun but stressful. I'd have a Guinness and a beta-blocker every time. I also was constantly getting on airplanes, trying to knock myself out with sleeping pills and wine, waking up, trying to sweat it out with exercise and a steam, and then working really hard all day. Eventually, I had a panic attack. My body was like, "What is happening?"
Guinness, sleeping pills and wine? That sounds like the diet of champions! My body asks "What is happening?" when I don't fill it with beer and wine. But Goopy went to the doctor and he told her to stop eating:
My doctor, Alejandro Junger, recommended that I cut out basically everything: dairy, sugar, gluten, anything processed. I was like, "What the fuck am I going to eat now?" That's why I made the book: to stop eating brown rice out of the fridge because I didn't know what else to eat—it was demoralizing.
So Goop's rock bottom moment is when she ate brown rice out of the fridge? This bitch is a parody now. I don't even keep brown rice in the fridge, but if I did and ate it one day, that would be a super healthy accomplishment for me. I'd say to myself, "You ate brown rice. Good for you! Now you deserve to eat 10 chocolate fudge cookies in a row." One of my rock bottom moments was when I shoved two spoonfuls of Bisquick powder and two spoonfuls of milk in my mouth and swished them together before swallowing the batter down.
But like I said, Goop only eats humidifier mist and leaf tips a couple times a year:
I probably eat this way two or three times a year for three weeks at a time. Past that, I'm not willing to make the sacrifice. Life is about balance. It's good to work in healthy food, whether it's five days a week or five meals a week. And if you're going to do it, it should be awesome food you're psyched to make. But never cut out the brownies or the wine.
When Goop detoxes, she shits out her inner cuntiness and it makes her a less insufferable person (again, too easy) and her marriage to Chris Martin is different because of it:
You feel lighter and your emotions get smoother. I also was run-down because I had a lot of unexpressed anger. I made everyone else's feelings more important than my own. I'd suck it up and then be alone in my car yelling at traffic or fighting with hangers in my closet when they got stuck together.
You're not learning anything unless you're having the difficult conversations. Dealing with things directly changed my relationships. Sometimes when you get clear about who you are, others get less comfortable because they liked who you were. It's changed my marriage [to Chris Martin, 36], too, but he's up for the challenge.
It's probably made Goopy's marriage better, because every time she goes on the no food diet, she makes Chris Martin go on the no food diet. So whenever she says some ridiculous crap, he's too weak to fight back. He just lifts his head from off of the couch, uses the bit of strength he has left to shrug and then collapses into a puddle of weak numbness again. It's the perfect marriage.
And Goop's diet is totally working. It's made her a reasonable, sane, down-to-earth and happy human being!
The scary thing is, Goop's starting to sound a little like my mom. My mom is really healthy and thinks that diet has everything to do with your mood. Like whenever I'm on the phone with her and complain about something, she'll say, "Did you eat sugar today? You sound grouchy." Of course I ate sugar that day! I eat sugar every day! Of course I was grouchy that day! I'm grouchy every day! Being a bitch is my life blood and if sugar makes me bitchier, bring on the Twinkies!
Yes, I'm going to die alone surrounded by Butterfinger wrappers.
Everybody has been saying for a while now that the expiration date on Stacy Keibler's ass is coming up and George Clooney is getting ready to trade her in for a new model. The Sun says Stacy's expiration date has already come and gone, and after 20 months (which is 500 years in Clooney time) of being George Clooney's award show accessory, she's out!
Some source says that they ended things, because George doesn't want a wedding ring on his finger and he already has one incoherent mess slobbering all over his shoulder (see: a stoned Brad Pitt), so he doesn't want another one. Stacy eventually wants those things, so they ended their contract. As part of Stacy's severance package, he gave her an apartment and some jewelry.
You know, some people say that if you want to get married and have kids you shouldn't screw around with George Clooney. But I say that if you want to get married and you want kids AND you want a brand new condo, you should screw around with George Clooney. Being George Clooney's escort of the moment is easy. You wear designer gowns, you drink a bunch of free booze at fancy parties and every now and again you get to make out with a topless Cindy Crawford on the deck of a yacht while George and Rande Gerber are downstairs smoking cigars (take that as code for something if you want).
Once you get tired of that, you cash in. When you and George are sitting in the smoking room of his Italian villa and he's reading the newspaper, all you have to do is say, "So I'm thinking of going off the pi....." You'll look over and all you'll see is a newspaper floating in the air and a bunch of smoke below it, because George busted out of there before you could spit out the two Ls. Then a moving truck with all of your shit in it will pull up to the driveway and his lawyer will make you sign a confidentiality agreement in exchange for keys to your new condo and a key to the bank lock box with a bunch of jooree in it. You'll have a condo for your baby to live in and you can sell all that jooree to buy diapers. You can have it all! It beats going to college!
Anybody who has seen five seconds of Girls knows that Lena Dunham is one hundred percent comfortable with every inch of her body (or bitch knows how to fake it well), because she shows every nook and cranny on almost every episode. I now know what Lena Dunham looks like when she scratches her ass. Lena is so okay with her own body that she tells Playboy she wouldn't like life very much if she suddenly woke up looking like Leonardo DiCaprio's next piece. Prepare your eyes for rolling....
Playboy: If you woke up tomorrow in the body of a Victoria’s Secret model, what would you do for the rest of the day?
Dunham: I’d be really disoriented and wonder what had happened in the night. Which enemy had dragged me to the doctor? I don’t think I’d like it very much. There would be all kinds of weird challenges to deal with that I don’t have to deal with now. I don’t want to go through life wondering if people are talking to me because I have a big rack. Not being the babest person in the world creates a nice barrier. The people who talk to you are the people who are interested in you. It must be a big burden in some ways to look that way and be in public. That said, I probably would want to see if I could get free food at restaurants. Then I’d call a doctor and see if she could return me to my former situation.
And just like that, Samantha "It's Hard Being Beautiful" Brick became Lena Dunham's biggest fan.
First of all, bitch is telling lies. Second of all, I'm sure some people only talk to her, because they want to get on Girls. Third of all, restaurants won't give you free food if you look like a VS model, because they know your ass won't eat it. Fourth of all, if I woke up tomorrow looking like Alexander Skarsgard, you bitches wouldn't hear from me for a while, because I'd be too busy humping on other hot people who are only humping on me because I'm hot.
But really, beautiful people say that it's hard being beautiful. Ugly people say that it's hard being ugly. Classy people say that it's hard being classy. Rich people say that it's hard being rich. Poor people say that it's hard being poor (they're right). Crazy people say that it's hard being crazy. Can't we all just agree that it's hard being a person. We all have it hard, okay?! Well, except for Angelyne. That bitch has a perfect life in every way.
GOOPY Paltrow's last cookbook was a vomit-inducing gourmet treasure trove of pretentious fuckery (example: "One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realized I hadn't thought of dessert.") and for her second cookbook, It's All Good, she put the wood-burning stove away and is getting into her food allergies instead.
It seems like it was just yesterday (it practically was) when GOOPY was bragging about how she eats anything she wants and now she's saying she can barely eat anything. GOOPY writes that one day she was serving lunch in the garden and she started to feel the same way I feel when I read GOOP:
"One sunny afternoon in London, in the spring of 2011, I thought — without sounding overly dramatic — that I was going to die. I had just served lunch in the garden at home. I had a vague feeling that I was going to faint, and I wasn't forming thoughts correctly. I got a searing pain in my head, I couldn't speak, and I felt as if I couldn't breathe. I thought I was having a stroke."
She went to the doctor and he told her it was just her brain trying to escape from her head again. No, he told her that she was severely anemic and had a vitamin D deficiency. After that, she cleansed herself of all the delicious things I shove down my eating hole on a daily basis: coffee, booze, sugar, potatoes, wheat and meat. GOOPY also found out that her husband Chris Martin and her two kids, Apple and Moses, are gluten intolerant, so she doesn't given them any pasta, bread, rice, sugar, dairy or chicken eggs. They basically eat heirloom kale seeds and drink fair trade dew drops imported from Holland.
"Every single nutritionist, doctor and health-conscious person I have ever come across . . . seems to concur that (gluten) is tough on the system and many of us are at best intolerant of it and at worst allergic to it. Sometimes when my family is not eating pasta, bread or processed grains like white rice, we’re left with that specific hunger that comes with avoiding carbs."
You know how some kids of celebrities grow up and get really into the bad shit and get arrested for all sorts of shit? Well, that could happen to Apple and Moses but instead of snorting Lohan powder, they're going to snort sugar and instead of getting arrested for drug possession, they're going to arrested for devouring donuts in the grocery story aisles before paying for that shit. They're gonna go full Little Chrissy.
via The Daily Mail