Yeah Okay

Unfortunately for our genitals, Hugh Jackman will not be thrusting his crotch and twirling his peen as host of the Oscars next year. Instead, the producers have hired Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin to serve as co-hosts for the zillion-hour long show. I can already see them dancing cheek-to-cheek during one of the hundred musical numbers.

The producers had this to say for themselves:

“We think the team of Steve and Alec are the perfect pair of hosts for the Oscars. Steve will bring the experience of having hosted the show in the past and Alec will be a completely fresh personality for this event.”

Steve Martin has tamed the hooker known as Oscar before. He hosted twice and even won an Emmy for it. This will be Alec's first time at the wheel.

When I first read that Hugh Jackmeoff wasn't going to come back as host, I was hoping that the producers would completely overhaul the entire show. Since we're in a recession, they should've promoted Phoebe Price from balcony seat filler to host. She could've handed the awards out in the parking lot of Chick-fil A. Now that sounds like a show.

VIA The Wrap

I've been staring at these pictures from the past 10 minutes trying to figure out if that's really Lady CaCa in the face. These pictures still made me fart through my peen hole (I'm getting that checked today), but there's something different here. Yeah, I'm taking my coffee with a drop boric acid this morning.

At this point, Lady CaCa doesn't even need to leave her house anymore. All she has to do is take a bag of potpourri from a goth, shove it down a blonde cat's throat, get it to barf it up a lacey hairball, roll it in moth balls, sprinkle Wet 'N Wild nail polish on it and then push it in front of photographers. Or she could've just dropped a hairy nutsack on the carpet. VOILA! InstaCaCa!

Here's more of Lady CaCa working that tuck game and moving bowels at the ACE Awards in NYC last night, where she won the Stylemaker Award. Just so you know, the committee who chose the winner included a blind warthog, Tiffany doll, and Karl Lagerfeld's ponytail.

That's what an advocacy group called The Alliance for Inclusion in the Arts screamed after they heard Abigail Breslin is going to play Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker on Broadway. They are shitting in the producers coffees, because they believe the role should go to an actress who is either blind or deaf. Where was this group when the damn PEPSI GIRL was cast as Helen Keller? That's when we really needed them.

The producer of the revival told The New York Times that they had to cast a big shiny name in the lead role in order to get investors to fork over cash for the $3 million production. He said that they might cast a deaf or blind actress as Abigail's understudy if she's "qualified." A rep for the advocacy group says that isn't enough. They think that an actress who can see and hear could never accurately portray Helen Keller.

This is the thing. Jakey G played a down-low peen lover in Brokeback Mountain and he..... Oh, um. Well, Jennifer Aniston has played a needy spinster with a hongray womb in all her movies and she.... Shit. Um, well, Tommy Girl played an egomaniacal vagina-hater in Magnolia and he... Oh, forget it. I stand corrected before being corrected. I'm with the advocacy group.

In case your head has already puked up this pivotal information: Katie Price's cage fighting boyfriend Alex Reid loves to drag it up as his alter ego Roxanne. Katie completely embraces Alex's tranny side and has even stuck her tongue in his tuck. All together now: HASN'T HARVEY BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?!!!!!!

In the new issue of OK!, Katie says, "I've had sex with Roxanne and I'm not going into details. It wasn't like lesbian sex because he has men's bits. When I split with Pete, I was completely off sex. But I can tell you, Alex has sent my sex drive through the roof."

Thanks for the anatomy lesson, Professor Jordan. Because all of us were under the impression that when you put on a pair of pantyhose a working chocha suddenly grows in your crotch area. If only it worked that way. It would save Lady CaCa a lot of time.

VIA The Mirror

17-year-old Taylor Lautner took 19-year-old Taylor Swift (couple name: TATAS) out for steaks at Ruth's Chris in Los Angeles. My issue of BOP (Fuck, I'm old and crotchety) has expired, so I'm not sure how long these two have been holding hands and kissing ON THE CHEEK ONLY. We're watching you, Swifty! If your hand heads for the "off-limits petting zoo", Chris Hansen is going to tap you on the shoulder.

Some of your asses might think it's a little weird sharing the same name as your fuck buddy (or in Taylor's case, her steak-eating buddy), but it's not. My name is as common as a leaky titty, so I'm speaking from experience. It's not like you ever call your full-time ho by their government name anyway. You usually address them with: "Yeah You" or "Whip It Out."

Josh Duhamel might have kind of, sort of stuck his penis into a vagina that doesn't belong to his wife Fergie. That's what the National Enquirer (via Radar) is reporting and they heard it straight from the stripper whore's mouth.

Nicole Forrester, who could also be living a double life as Alison from Big Brother, claims that she sexed up Josh Duhamel earlier this month in Atlanta.

Josh was shooting a movie in Georgia, when he strolled into Tattletales Lounge with his homeboy. That's where he met Nicole who strips under the name "Delilah." According to Nicole, Josh told her his name was JD and that he was in town filming a porno. After a few drinks, Nicole got nekkid and danced for Josh and his friend. Before Josh left he asked for Nicole's phone number. A few days later, Josh rang Nicole up, invited her to his hotel room and the two got fuckalicious that night.

The Enquirer says they paid Nicole for her story, but also claim she passed a lie-detector test. Josh's rep denies the whole affair.

If this is true, then Josh needs more people! How is he going to screw on a stripper without getting her to sign a confidentiality agreement or something? Dude should have used protection in more ways than one.

Hell, Josh should have at least made Nicole swear on a pair of exquisite lucite heels that she would never utter a word. Lucite heels are sacred to titty shakers (and yours truly). If Nicole went against her word, every stripper pole would collapse as soon as she touched it.

And someone should lock Fuggie in the basement, because this rumor could cause her to reach for the pipe.

(Image via Radar)

For the teenager (circa 1989) in you who has always wanted dry hump Dinger from Dream a Little Dream, now's your chance! Because Corey Feldman and his wife Susannah have decided to wrap their marriage up in a baggy and sell it to Corey Ham (typo and it stays) so that he can chop it up and snort it up his nostrils. Basically, Corey's wife has filed for The Big D.

E! Online reports that Susannah is blaming "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for their break-up. Susannah wants Corey to send her a monthly check for spousal and child support for their 5-year-old son Zen. The two have been married for 7 years, so they should give themselves a pat on the taint, because that's like 50 years in Hollywood time. However....

They should have known it was not going to last forever when they got married on the set of The Surreal Life in a ceremony officiated by future Cash4Gold spokesman MC Hammer. Everything MC Hammer touches goes bankrupt. Aw.

And expect a The Two Coreys of Love reality show in 3...2...

Andre Agassi is out peddling a new memoir which means he has to drop a few bombs in our laps to get us to pay attention. You know, Mackenzie Phillips gave us the "I did my daddy" grenade and Stephanie Tanner shot us with an "I snorted meth at the Olsen's premiere" bullet. Well, Andre's big bombshell is that in 1997 he traded his tennis balls in for meth baggies. Cue the angry mob screaming, "STRIP OF ALL HIS SHINY TROPHIES DATED 1997!!!!"

In Andre's book called Open (yeah, I don't know either), he writes about how he became one with crystal meth while he was married to Brooke Shields. Andre tells People, "I can't speak to addiction, but a lot of people would say that if you're using anything as an escape, you have a problem." When he was asked if he was worried how his fans would feel about him being a meth head at one point, Andre answered, "I was worried for a moment, but not for long. ... I wore my heart on my sleeve and my emotions were always written on my face. I was actually excited about telling the world the whole story."

Excited about telling everyone he got hongray for meth? Who the hell does Andre think he is? Cristy from Intervention? Speaking of, last night they re-aired Cristy's Intervention episode and that shit had me kissing my Sharpie and clearing out my bathroom cabinet of all medications (No, I didn't do that). THIS IS METH:

Do you think Brooke has video of a nekkid-ass Andre Agassi throwing Ramen noodles across the room? Totally.

VIA People (Thanks Toddy)

Samantha Burke sold off the first pictures of her baby with Jude Law to Hello! Magazine for$300,000. This had a lot of whores (including yours truly) screaming about how she's selling out her baby so she can roll around in wads of cash. Well, Samantha bounced on her website to set the record straight:

I can confirm that after months of constant requests from the media, I decided to share pictures of myself and Sophia with Hello! Magazine. Both Sophia and I were compensated for the photographs, and will donate a portion of the compensation to the Ronald McDonald House to assist with the completion of their new facility in Pensacola, FL. The majority of the compensation, paid to Sophia, will be placed in trust for her secondary education and well-being. I’m thrilled with the pictures of Sophia and pleased to announce that she is healthy, happy and deeply loved.

SAMMY STOP! Putting a quarter in those plastic boxes in front of the McDonald's cash register does not count!

But if Samantha is telling the whole truth, it makes sense why Baby Sophia has a "THIS BITCH" face. Working for free doesn't exactly inspire a smile.

VIA Just Jared

If all the members of Duran Duran formed a circle jerk around all of Grace Jones' album covers, their cumulative cum shot would look just like this! Here's the cover of Alien Princess RiRi's new album called Rated R.

P.S. - I always knew that RiRi was a member of the Illuminati and now this confirms it.

VIA Popeater