Yeah Okay

The triangle that is almost more life-sucking and soul-destroying than the Bermuda Triangle was brought back to life last week when Brad Pitt once again told Esquire that ten years ago he was nothing but a haggard puddle of greasy laziness and dirty bong water (translation: Being with Jennifer Aniston sucked the life out of him). Well, in that same Esquire article, Brad's make-up artist of over 20 years Jean Black says that yeah, Brad Pitt suddenly came to life and started living when he dipped his peen into St. Angie's fountain of life pussy, but that doesn't mean he hated being with Aniston.

"I think Brad was ready to soar when he met Angie. This is not to say anything negative about Jennifer. I was part of that and I know that he and Jennifer are very good friends and he cared deeply for her. But in Angie, he saw a very adventurous person who was grabbing on to life and taking it to its nth degree. It was intriguing because I felt Brad had that in him and wanted to unleash it."

Brad is totally one of those whores who pretty much morphs into who ever he's doing. I knew this girl who would become the perfect girlfriend to the dude she was dating. She dated some dude who was all into Nascar and heavy metal and going "to the lake" (that's what we do in CA, we go to the lake) and so she was suddenly into that shit. This bitch normally listened to boy band and pop shit and suddenly she's getting into Slayer. Then when she dumped that dude, she dated a vegetarian type and became vegetarian. I guess the dick was so good it gave her a personality disorder.

So when Brad was with Jen, he was smoking pot and slurping on tequila worms. Now that he's with St. Angie, he's saving the world and collecting points toward getting sainthood. If he starts dating Amanda Bynes, he'll throw bongs out of windows, dance on the elliptical like there's no tomorrow and buy cast-off wigs at the Nicki Minaj stoop sale.

And yes, it's been five hundred million years and we're still talking about this. We're going to talk about this forever and ever and ever. When we're all on our death beds, the last thing we'll say before taking our final breath will be, "But did Brad ever TRULY love Jen?"

via UsWeekly 

E! confirmed through multiple "sources" last week that Beyonce, Jay-Z and the rest of the world will soon be graced by another infinite holy one of eternal light, because they said a fetus checked into her womb. But apparently, Old Man Ebro of Hot 97 (via Kid Fury) heard straight from the horse's camel's mouth that Beyonce is not pregnant with baby Lavender Flytrap Carter. Old Man Ebro is e-mail friends with Jay-Z and he sent J a congratulatory e-mail a few days ago. Jay-Z responded back with this:

“It’s not true. The news is worse than blogs."

The news is worse than the blogs?! That hurts like a hot sauce enema. As a blogger, I've always prided myself on being the absolute worst, so it makes me sad knowing that the head of the Illuminati's New York office thinks the news is trashier than the blogs. I have got to do worser.

Some of us are looking at that picture like it's the opposite of sexy, because Katie Holmes looks like she's in the middle of taking an extended dump and just realized that there's only one wipe worth of toilet paper left. That is totally a "Do I pull up my panties and chance it or do I risk dripping on the floor by squat walking to the next bathroom?" face. But dudes on the NYC set of Katie's movie are looking at the sight of her sitting there and telling themselves that they want to see that on their toilet the morning after.

Katie and Luke Kirby are currently playing manic depressives in love in the Spike Lee-produced movie Mania Days and it's a damn miracle that they get any work done, because every dude on set keeps trying to get on her. A source tells Page Six, “There were crew members and extras just chancing it. It really got on the nerves of director Paul Dalio. Needless to say, she said no to everyone.” The source says that so far seven dudes have asked Katie out.

Katie should give her publicist a bonus for getting that little story in Page Six.

Those crew members and extras asking Katie out need to know that it takes a special kind of dude to date the former duchess of Scientology. Not just any dude can date Katie Holmes. In order to date her, you have to be okay with Suri Cruise dry heaving every time you show up to her apartment wearing sneakers you bought on clearance at Foot Locker. That's one thing you have to be okay with. You also have to be okay with dying young, because Tommy Girl will probably have you killed. If you're okay with both of those things, ask away!

Here's more pictures of Katie Holmes and Luke Kirby as manic depressives in love. I'm already learning things from this movie! I just learned that a symptom of manic depression is wearing a t-shirt with jeans.

Aren't you just looking at that naked picture of an obvious woman and asking yourself, "Is it a woman? Is it an alien? Is it an exquisite Filipino gay twink?" That's the power of Zoe Saldana's androgyny at work. She's just so androgynous. If she only knew what "androgyny" meant....

Bradley Cooper's ex-beard is on the cover Allure Magazine and during the interview she told them that she's done with dating actors. Zoe refused to say whether or not she's gotten with a chick before, but she did say that maybe one day she'll raise a kid with a lady, because she's androgynous and that's what androgynous people do.

"[I might] end up with a woman raising my children.....that's how androgynous I am. Yes, I was raised that open."

Oh, Zoe, if only you were raised to know what the definition of "androgynous" is.

Will Smith said in an interview a couple of weeks ago that he and Jada Pinkett Smith don't believe in punishing their kids. They believe that their kids are responsible for their own lives. They let their kids do whatever they want as long as they can explain to Will and Jada why that was the right thing to do for their lives. It's directly from the Scientology parenting book. But you know, Will and Jada have something in common with abuelitas. Because abuelitas also ask for an explanation when you do something bad. An abeulita wants you to explain to her why she shouldn't beat your ass with a chancelta for not acting right.

Well, now Will is telling The Sun (via Radar) that 14-year-old Jaden Smith wants even more freedom. Specifically, Jaden wants to be free to live in his own damn house. Will says Jaden told him that for his 15th birthday, he wants to legally quit their asses.

“He says, ‘Dad, I want to be emancipated.’ I know if we do this, he can be an emancipated minor, because he really wants to have his own place, like ‘Ooh.' That’s the backlash. On the other side, if kids just want to have command of their lives, I understand.”

A 15-year-old millionaire who can't even drive living in his own house.... What can go wrong besides EVERYTHING? Before Jaden emancipates himself from his parents, he should emancipate that constipated expression from his face. He should probably start there first.

In the fame whore dictionary, the definition of "recluse" is totally different than the definition in the dictionary all of us use. Because Kim Kartrashian thinks that a "recluse" is a shameless 24-hour spotlight fucker who spends more time in front of a camera than behind a camera, gives the paps several servings of her knocked up kamel toe daily and poses in a bikini for the cover of Recluse Weekly (known to you and me as UsWeekly). Kim tells the UK's Fabulous Magazine (via HuffPo) that ever since Gay Fish's sperm fish were turkey basted up into her baby making parts, she has become even more of a recluse. Well, you can't say the word "recluse" without saying "wreck" and "loose," so the heffa might have a point.

"I'm definitely more of a recluse since I was pregnant. But I haven't necessarily decided to hold myself back, it's just preparing myself for respecting the privacy of my child and my boyfriend.

There goes Kim throwing out words she doesn't know the true meaning of! Ho wouldn't know "respect" or "privacy" if they were both shaped like a boomerang and tapped her on the ass cheeks in a straight-to-Vivid sex tape. Kim then goes on to say some stuff that makes me think that her and Kanyetta West's contract is coming to an end soon.

"We live different lives, but I love being open. That's who I've always been. That will never change because that is who I am."

Yes, Kim, we've seen you be all open around Ray-J's crooked crowbar dick, so we know how open you are. It made you a STAH! And really, Kim is just setting up her inevitable split from Kanye. We all know how this is going to go. Pimp Mama Kris is going to get even more tabloid covers and non-stop coverage on TMZ by turning this into an all-out kustody battle. PMK will want full custody of Baby Kimye, because she needs a new generation of Kardashians to whore out. Kanye will want full custody of Baby Kimye, because he needs a baby to dress up in Givenchy leather skirts and he'll need a friend to play with when he moves to the French countryside with his lovah. It'll be like Kramer vs. Kramer if both Kramers were shameless whores.

And here's Kim being all reclusive yesterday and Kanye leaving her house with the head wound he got when he lost a fight against a sign.

During Lindsay Lohan's 24-hour cross-country rehab disaster, White Oprah has been strangely silent and I figured she was still passed out from partying at her daughter's going away to rehab party. Nana Lohan finally dropped a bucket of ice water on White Oprah's passed out ass, woke her up and told her E! was on phone. White Oprah spoke to E! and told them that LiLo was planning to go to rehab even if the courts didn't make her (insert an eye roll here) and even though she's said it ten thousand billion times before, she's ready to get completely clean this time.

White Oprah also said that LiLo didn't go to the Seafield Center in the Hamptons because of the smoking thing. She didn't go, because Michael Lohan used to be a patient there years ago and like everybody in the world, the staff hates him and doesn't want to see his face. White Oprah kicked Michael Lohan in the vagina by saying that the staff was afraid he was going to visit LiLo.

Even though LiLo has most likely snuck out of Betty Ford and is terrorizing Palm Springs right now, White Oprah says that she's happy to be in rehab and is totally committed to getting dry.

"I am so relieved and thankful that Lindsay is getting the help she needs in a credible place. She actually wanted to go, whether the court said to or not. She is happy there, to get introspective and get back on the right track.

The people are so dedicated at that place. It is a great facility. [Lindsay] didn't give anyone trouble. She had just gotten word [that Morningside] wasn't approved by the court. She didn't want to unpack and then a few days later have to move. She felt it was best to get into a place that the court has approved and let her start her treatment. They are very protective of paparazzi and leaks and very professional. She just needs to heal peacefully and quietly.

She has a different frame of mind this time. She realizes and she knows she needs help this time. She was like, 'I'm sorry, Mommy.' And I tell her, 'Don't say you are sorry. You just have to work on yourself and on getting well. Don't beat yourself up.' The bottom line is that [addiction] is a disease. It is a gene. Pretty much one in every family in the world carries it. It is difficult. You just have to heal."

Before you say that White Oprah should be bunking with her daughter at Betty Ford, I'll have your ass know that she doesn't have that gene. Yeah, she did have it once, but she drank so much vodka, gasoline, peroxide and battery acid over the centuries that it burnt away and now it's gone. So there!

Goopy Paltrow doesn't need to stroke the shaft of her own ego when the voices in her head can do it for her. Goopy already told the world that her friend told her that she has the ass of a 22-year-old stripper and now she's telling the world that journalists told her that Pepper Potts needs her own movie. The journalists really said, "Ugh, you ruined the movie!," but Goopy heard, "Oh, you need your own movie!"

At a press conference for Iron Man 3, Babble (via UsWeekly) reports that Goopy told reporters that she's happy she got to finally wear an Iron Man suit and do stunts. Goopy says that some journalists really loved seeing her in the suit and told her that Pepper Potts should get her own movie.

I loved it so much. You know, I was getting kind of like, come on, guys. Pepper, like, let’s- come on, like, all these boys are flying around doing all this fun stuff, and I loved how patient and kind and sweet Pepper is. But when I read this script, I was like, “oh yeah!” She’s in the suit and flying around, and I loved doing the stunts. As I said, I really had never done anything like that before and it was really fun. I felt like I should’ve been doing this my whole life. It’s like, “why am I doing all these period films. it’s so boring.”

The nice thing is that everybody’s sort of been very sweet about Pepper in this movie, like all the journalists who came in. They were like, “oh my God, you have to have your own movie,” because in the comics, Pepper gets her own suit, and she becomes a character called Rescue. They’re like, we need a Rescue movie, and I’m like, okay, well, I’d better hit the gym.

If only the gym could hit her instead. I mean, when is she not in the gym?  I bet that during that entire press conference, she was doing butt crunches with the help of a tiny Buttmaster shoved between her ass cheeks. How do you think she got that 22-year-old stripper ass?

You know, a Pepper Potts movie isn't a bad idea. I'm all for a Pepper Potts movie, but only if they drop her in a ditch full of raw red meat, canned cheese and processed carbs and make her eat her way out of it while her enemies shout "PASS-TA!" at her over and over again.

When I first read the headline "Amanda Bynes Shaves Her Hair," I expected to see some second coming of Brit Brit shit and I was about to hide all the green umbrellas, but Wheelchair Jimmy's number one stalker only shaved half of her head. It's begins... Amanda tweeted out this note to the media with the pictures of her new hair and her aluminum foil cheek:

I buzzed half my head like @cassie! No more old photos! This is the new me! I love it!

Yeah, it's a good thing that she shaved some of that busted weave off, but the Skillrex look must be stopped. Dr. Kimberly Shaw did it better than everyone. And what's really terrifying is that now that Amanda's got shaved sides, she looks like a Miley Cyrus clone. They're multiplying. We don't need two!

I think we're all going to need some weed to process all of the foolery in this picture of Justin Bieber with his bodyguard. This child probably thinks that he looks like the next Michael Jackson when he really looks like an unused sex slave in Kunty Karl's S&M sex dungeon. Little asshole is putting the pussy in Pussy Riot. While I can appreciate the double zippers (easy access!) on his hot bodyguard's onesie, the shamed look on that grown dude's face is telling me that the millionaire child made him wear that pajama party uniform. I kind of want to make like Justin Bieber's fedora and fall back out of this whole scene. Moving on to other Bieber news....

TMZ says that at around 7pm in Stockholm, Sweden last night, police smelled the sweet scent of the good shit wafting out of Justin Bieber's tour bus, which was parked in front of the Grand Hotel. While they were getting a warrant to search the bus, the bus drove to the Globe Arena. When it got to the Globe Arena, the cops and a special narcotics unit searched the bus and found a small stash of drugs (the local newspapers are saying it was weed) and an unlicensed stun gun. Aftonbladet says that when the cops got on the bus, the Bieber's back-up dancers started screaming "No weed!" and "Shit, the stash!" 

The bus was empty at the time, so nobody will be charged and the stash was found on the floor, so it's impossible to say who brought it on.

Meanwhile, as that was going on, Justin Bieber tweeted, "i love lamp." I guess we now know that Justin Bieber's favorite movie to get stoned to is Anchorman.

Personally, I think that weed should be legalized everywhere and I should be able to pick up a baggie at the checkout counter at Target. But I wouldn't open my lips to protest if Sweden wants to temporarily pass a law that states that if weed is found on the tour bus of a yodeling Canadian fetus, that yodeling Canadian fetus must immediately be jailed for the rest of his life! Thanks to his "Channel" ski mask, the Biebs would be the most fashionable prison bitch on the cell block.

(Pic via Vulture)