Yeah Okay

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick have a pair of brand new BABIES!! at home, and she told Elle Magazine that her heart fills up whenever she smells her twins' freshly baked butt cookies straight out of the oven. SJP is not right for making me picture her sniffing on used diapers like an apple pie cooling on the window sill. NASTY SCAT HO:

“I love the smell of diapers; I even like when they’re wet and you smell them all warm liked a baked good. I love the smell of Balmex. Love it.”

Either SJP's neighborhood bakery should be shut down by the health department or her babies eat a lot of hay, carrots and sugar cubes.

Michael Lohan, the current reigning Father of the New Millennium (sorry, Joe Jackson), recently promised that he was going to release a bunch of taped phone conversations he had with his daughter. Well, Michael has come through and released a series of tapes to Radar. According to Michael, he did so because he wants the world to know that his daughter's life is not all rainbows and she desperately needs help. And because he needs a check to continue to buy fancy thread from Michael's to make friendship bracelets like the one above.

In the 3-minute long tape, LiLo cries uncontrollably to her father about how no one cares about her and White Oprah doesn't stand by her. At one point she says, “No one cares about me. They don’t, by the way. It’s about how they feel, not how I feel. It’s not about me. It’s never been about me, unless I fight for it.”

If you picture me saying these things after an 8-hour Mother's Circus Animal Cookie binge, it might make the tape less depressing. But not really.

Michael also has plans to roll out more tapes in the near future. And I'm sure he'll release remixes of each tape too. Michael is truly the Time Life of deadbeat dads.

If enchanted unicorns frolic through Robert Pattinson's hair, what kind of mythical creatures roam through the Grimes Twins' follicle forest? Deaf boy fairies with ingrown wings?

Anyway, the Grimes Twins took some time out form making Simon Cowell's nipples out on the UK's X-Factor to attend last night's A Christmas Carol premiere in London. At the after-party, the twins told The Mirror that everyone is copying their "I fucked myself with a live wire" hairstyle, "This attention is crazy. We're loving every minute. We've even got people copying our hair. Can you believe it."

You know, I don't think people are intentionally copying their hair. They just made the wrong decision of listening to the Grimes Twins sing live without protection (i.e. ear plugs). That shit will make your hair stand up in a quick second. It's your follicles trying to escape to heaven.

Unfortunately for our genitals, Hugh Jackman will not be thrusting his crotch and twirling his peen as host of the Oscars next year. Instead, the producers have hired Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin to serve as co-hosts for the zillion-hour long show. I can already see them dancing cheek-to-cheek during one of the hundred musical numbers.

The producers had this to say for themselves:

“We think the team of Steve and Alec are the perfect pair of hosts for the Oscars. Steve will bring the experience of having hosted the show in the past and Alec will be a completely fresh personality for this event.”

Steve Martin has tamed the hooker known as Oscar before. He hosted twice and even won an Emmy for it. This will be Alec's first time at the wheel.

When I first read that Hugh Jackmeoff wasn't going to come back as host, I was hoping that the producers would completely overhaul the entire show. Since we're in a recession, they should've promoted Phoebe Price from balcony seat filler to host. She could've handed the awards out in the parking lot of Chick-fil A. Now that sounds like a show.

VIA The Wrap

I've been staring at these pictures from the past 10 minutes trying to figure out if that's really Lady CaCa in the face. These pictures still made me fart through my peen hole (I'm getting that checked today), but there's something different here. Yeah, I'm taking my coffee with a drop boric acid this morning.

At this point, Lady CaCa doesn't even need to leave her house anymore. All she has to do is take a bag of potpourri from a goth, shove it down a blonde cat's throat, get it to barf it up a lacey hairball, roll it in moth balls, sprinkle Wet 'N Wild nail polish on it and then push it in front of photographers. Or she could've just dropped a hairy nutsack on the carpet. VOILA! InstaCaCa!

Here's more of Lady CaCa working that tuck game and moving bowels at the ACE Awards in NYC last night, where she won the Stylemaker Award. Just so you know, the committee who chose the winner included a blind warthog, Tiffany doll, and Karl Lagerfeld's ponytail.

That's what an advocacy group called The Alliance for Inclusion in the Arts screamed after they heard Abigail Breslin is going to play Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker on Broadway. They are shitting in the producers coffees, because they believe the role should go to an actress who is either blind or deaf. Where was this group when the damn PEPSI GIRL was cast as Helen Keller? That's when we really needed them.

The producer of the revival told The New York Times that they had to cast a big shiny name in the lead role in order to get investors to fork over cash for the $3 million production. He said that they might cast a deaf or blind actress as Abigail's understudy if she's "qualified." A rep for the advocacy group says that isn't enough. They think that an actress who can see and hear could never accurately portray Helen Keller.

This is the thing. Jakey G played a down-low peen lover in Brokeback Mountain and he..... Oh, um. Well, Jennifer Aniston has played a needy spinster with a hongray womb in all her movies and she.... Shit. Um, well, Tommy Girl played an egomaniacal vagina-hater in Magnolia and he... Oh, forget it. I stand corrected before being corrected. I'm with the advocacy group.

In case your head has already puked up this pivotal information: Katie Price's cage fighting boyfriend Alex Reid loves to drag it up as his alter ego Roxanne. Katie completely embraces Alex's tranny side and has even stuck her tongue in his tuck. All together now: HASN'T HARVEY BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH?!!!!!!

In the new issue of OK!, Katie says, "I've had sex with Roxanne and I'm not going into details. It wasn't like lesbian sex because he has men's bits. When I split with Pete, I was completely off sex. But I can tell you, Alex has sent my sex drive through the roof."

Thanks for the anatomy lesson, Professor Jordan. Because all of us were under the impression that when you put on a pair of pantyhose a working chocha suddenly grows in your crotch area. If only it worked that way. It would save Lady CaCa a lot of time.

VIA The Mirror

17-year-old Taylor Lautner took 19-year-old Taylor Swift (couple name: TATAS) out for steaks at Ruth's Chris in Los Angeles. My issue of BOP (Fuck, I'm old and crotchety) has expired, so I'm not sure how long these two have been holding hands and kissing ON THE CHEEK ONLY. We're watching you, Swifty! If your hand heads for the "off-limits petting zoo", Chris Hansen is going to tap you on the shoulder.

Some of your asses might think it's a little weird sharing the same name as your fuck buddy (or in Taylor's case, her steak-eating buddy), but it's not. My name is as common as a leaky titty, so I'm speaking from experience. It's not like you ever call your full-time ho by their government name anyway. You usually address them with: "Yeah You" or "Whip It Out."

Josh Duhamel might have kind of, sort of stuck his penis into a vagina that doesn't belong to his wife Fergie. That's what the National Enquirer (via Radar) is reporting and they heard it straight from the stripper whore's mouth.

Nicole Forrester, who could also be living a double life as Alison from Big Brother, claims that she sexed up Josh Duhamel earlier this month in Atlanta.

Josh was shooting a movie in Georgia, when he strolled into Tattletales Lounge with his homeboy. That's where he met Nicole who strips under the name "Delilah." According to Nicole, Josh told her his name was JD and that he was in town filming a porno. After a few drinks, Nicole got nekkid and danced for Josh and his friend. Before Josh left he asked for Nicole's phone number. A few days later, Josh rang Nicole up, invited her to his hotel room and the two got fuckalicious that night.

The Enquirer says they paid Nicole for her story, but also claim she passed a lie-detector test. Josh's rep denies the whole affair.

If this is true, then Josh needs more people! How is he going to screw on a stripper without getting her to sign a confidentiality agreement or something? Dude should have used protection in more ways than one.

Hell, Josh should have at least made Nicole swear on a pair of exquisite lucite heels that she would never utter a word. Lucite heels are sacred to titty shakers (and yours truly). If Nicole went against her word, every stripper pole would collapse as soon as she touched it.

And someone should lock Fuggie in the basement, because this rumor could cause her to reach for the pipe.

(Image via Radar)

For the teenager (circa 1989) in you who has always wanted dry hump Dinger from Dream a Little Dream, now's your chance! Because Corey Feldman and his wife Susannah have decided to wrap their marriage up in a baggy and sell it to Corey Ham (typo and it stays) so that he can chop it up and snort it up his nostrils. Basically, Corey's wife has filed for The Big D.

E! Online reports that Susannah is blaming "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for their break-up. Susannah wants Corey to send her a monthly check for spousal and child support for their 5-year-old son Zen. The two have been married for 7 years, so they should give themselves a pat on the taint, because that's like 50 years in Hollywood time. However....

They should have known it was not going to last forever when they got married on the set of The Surreal Life in a ceremony officiated by future Cash4Gold spokesman MC Hammer. Everything MC Hammer touches goes bankrupt. Aw.

And expect a The Two Coreys of Love reality show in 3...2...