Gold Diggers

Brynne Gordon, the gold digging California dew drop who married an old ass Australian millionaire, was the toast of the Logie Awards in Australia on Sunday night. And what I mean by that is everybody at the show had to toast and down gallons of booze to fully embrace Brynne's beauty.

Now I know you're assuming that Brynne's one-of-a-kind luxurious gown must have been bought from a couture house in Paris, but get ready to suffer a blow to your mind because she designed it herself! YES, Brynne is a woman of a million talents. We still don't know what those talents are, but she has many of them!

Brynne's dress, which is the exact shade of the tears her husband's checking account cried when he married her, was made with the finest French silk from Taiwan and jewels she wore to her wedding. It's like Moulin Rouge meets Marie Antoinette meets the front of a dump truck. Elegantly understated as always.

Below is a clip of Brynne talking about her to dress to the Herald Sun.

Brynne should narrate the Guantanamo Bay orientation video, because her voice is as soothing as a handjob from Freddy Krueger.

When we last left Mel Gibson's baby mama OctoSana Grigorieva, she had been left on the curb by the corn syrup chichis connoisseur for whatever reason. Well, at a press conference in Moscow for her charity single (proceeds go to the victims of Chernobyl) OctoSana talked about the split and promised that the truth would soon be revealed. Cue a dramatic close-up followed by the "Lost" boom!

OctoSana told reporters, "I can tell you that..we have split up, suddenly and recently. Unfortunately, I cannot give you the reason. But you will find out everything quite soon. Here is the official version: We split up by mutual consent and we will raise our daughter together. She is currently with my mother in my Los Angeles home."

This dramatic bitch. And then OctoSana let out a mysterious cackle before her assistant raised a "To Be Continued" sign made out of cardboard. Her assistant was supposed to turn off the lights immediately afterwards for an extra theatrical effect, but there was a technical problem so OctoSana had to awkwardly shuffle out of the room under the bright lights.

OctoSana is trying to make it sound like there's a shocking reason for the split. The only way I would be shocked is if it comes out that Mel Gibson had an affair with Jewish zombie Larry King. Even that wouldn't be THAT shocking, because Mel would ignore his allergic reaction to Jewish people in order to kiss the hand of a man who babysat Jesus Christ back in the day.

And OctoSana also told reporters that she will remove a hammer-and-sickle tattoo on her ankle that Mel Gibson asked her to get. Too easy.

Larry King is probably busting nut dust all over the ass of Shawn Southwick's sister, but he's not going to be breaking out into an orgasm after a chunk of his fortune is snatched away from him.

TMZ is hearing that Larry King and his wife Shawn don't have a prenup. When TMZ asked their source why Larry didn't use his protection when he got married, they said, "She is a tall, good-looking blonde and that pretty much explains it."

Larry's crypt is currently filled with $144 million. California law states that any money Larry made during the marriage has to be split 50/50. Another victory for the gold diggers of the world! Raise your lucite heels.

The money Shawn collects will pay for the $1000 sheets that she will wipe her brow with when she wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat after nightmarin' about Larry's cob web covered belly button slapping her in the mouth while he titty fucks her. Unfortunately, no amount of money can erase those horrific images from her brain. She's scarred for life. Every time she looks at an iguana, her vagina will pass out.

First came the news of the demise of Larry King's marriage, and now People says that Mel Gibson has returned his Russian baby mama Oksana Grigorieva to the gold digging factory from which she came from! We're all getting dumped today! It's National Jessica Simpson (or Jennifer Aniston, depending on what your mood is) Day!

Mel and Oksana have only been dating for a little over a year, but apparently they broke up shortly after the birth of their 5-month-old daughter. A source says, "They just drifted apart. They’re both working hard on their careers and trying to raise a sweet baby together. They're still friends and they'll both raise Lucia together."

You know, Oksana is proving to all gold diggers in training out there that you don't have to get married to get paid. Pop out the baby, collect your check and be on your way to the next mark. Oksana's already has Mel Gibson and Timothy Dalton's pictures on her Wall of Fame, so I wonder who's next. Gird your sperm, because she's coming!

Bombshell McGee must be feeling really stupid today since she reportedly only got paid $30,000 to tell-all about her affair with Vanilla Gorilla, and Tiger Woods' main side-piece allegedly pockeded $10 million to say nothing. That's what TMZ claims anyway.

Right after the whole escandalo scandal broke, Rachel Uchitel's lawyer Gloria Allred announced her client would address the Tiger Woods rumors in a press conference. But a cat got Rachel's tongue, and the press conference was canceled at the last minute. TMZ's inside sources say that the cat was actually a check for $10 million. Tiger's people agreed to pay Rachel off if she signed a confidentiality agreement. Rachel could end up getting $1 million more, or $1 million less, depending on future situations.

Apparently, a few of Tiger's other tricks scored several hundreds of thousands of dollars in exchange for their silence. And some, didn't get shit, which means they have to toil harder on the ho stroll (I'm looking at you, Mindy Lawton).

If Tiger paid Rachel that much money to keep her lips closed, he must be into some kinky bestiality scat shit. Or he's a down-low Glenn Beck fan.

Hopefully Rachel does good things with that money by opening up a Gold Digging Community College, where she can teach aspiring moral-less whores how it's really done. Get me an application.

43-year-old David Schwimmer is getting married to 24-year-old photographer Zoe Buckman! These two crazy lovebirds met in London in 2007 while David was directing Run Fat Boy Run. This will be the first marriage for both of them.

David and Zoe have been dating for around 3 years, so you can stop trying to hand her that gold digging shovel! Besides, a trained gold digger digs with her mouth. Speaking of mouths, Zoe isn't puckering in the picture above because the money is so close she can actually taste it! No, she's puckering because pretending to suck on David Schwimmer's peen makes her happy. So there's really no need to embrace her into the Gold Diggers Club just yet!

Anyways, here's Ross' TRUE TRUE love Rachel Green looking more like Rachel Orange while doing stuff in NYC yesterday afternoon and this morning.

I never understood why Hugh Hefner's pacemaker skipped two beats for his ex-girlfriends The Shannon Twins. They were so below average on every level to me. I figured he liked the choo choo choo noises they made when they spoon fed him. But after seeing these pictures of them at Playboy's Super Bowl party this past weekend, I now see what Hef sees. Like me, Hef has a soft spot for Fresno meth hooker hair circa 1987 (aka "chola going to spring formal" hair aka 90s teen mom hair aka Sav-On cashier hair).

This is the kind of hair you get when all you've got is a travel-sized bottle of gel and a gas station sink. When your trick gets a little too carried away and sprays the party all over your hair, simply rinse it off in a sink (a garden hose will do too), shake the water out, apply a generous amount of gel and scrunch your way to instant glamour! In just a few minutes, you'll look just like these two day-shift pussy peddlers.

I should've never doubted Hef's cataract encrusted eye. He knows what's good.

Here's the other junkies, tramps and thieves who showed up for the potato buffet at the Playboy Mansion yesterday. They are: Mini-Me, Chuy, The Two Coreys, The New Landers Sisters, Daisy de la Whora, nuns from the Cathedral of Our Lady of Angels and Brittania from Rock of Love Bus.

While the IRS is doing the dick slappy dance today, former sushi waitress Alice Kim is crying into her cashmere sheets. You see, Alice Kim has to watch in horror as her husband Nicolas Cage shovels massive amounts of nuggets from their giant pile of gold into a bag marked "TAXES."

TMZ reports that Nic owes the IRS around $13.3 million for unpaid back taxes for 2002-2008. And Alice was planning on buying a small town this year to house her entire collection of Louis Vuitton bags. Now Alice will have to keep all her goods in a Public Storage!!! This is not her life.

Nicolas blames it all on his money manager Sam Levin. According to Nic, he would've been better off hiring Trouble Helmsley or an obese hamster with cataracts to do his taxes. But Sam Levin blames it on Nic's overspending. In 2008, Nicolas had 15 mansions, a jet, four yachts and enough jooree to make DeShawn Snow's lock jaw drop (that's a lot of jooree).

Nic issued this statement about his money troubles: "Over the course of my career I have paid at least $70 million in taxes. Unfortunately, due to a recent legal situation, another approximate $14 million is owed to the IRS, however, I am under new business management and am happy to say that I am current for 2009. All taxes will be paid including any to be determined state taxes."

New Business Management = H&R Block.

Ivana Trump split from her fourth husband Rossano Rubicondi (pronounced: Just Hittin' That Prune Poon For the Cash) last year, but she barely filed for divorce from him yesterday in NYC. Ivana and Rossano dated for six years before making it legal in 2008. They quit each other a few months later after Rossano was caught licking on a vagina not belonging to Ivana while he filmed Celebrity Survivor in Italy. Although, Ivana claims that distance killed the marriage, not another snatch.

Ivana said this shit to Page Six: "Rossano has been living and working in Italy for most of the last two years. Given my extensive business interests around the globe, it has become increasingly difficult for us to find time together . . . With sadness . . . I say it is time to move on . . . I wish Rossano well!"

Extensive business interests around the globe?!!!! File that one away for use at a later date. Seriously, the next time you want to send your full-time fuck partner to the recycle bin, just tell them that it's not going to work out "given your extensive business interests around the globe." Basically, that just means you want to sample different kinds of international peen before settling down with just one.

And put on your slickers, because Peta is going to flour bomb that picture in 3..2..

If nothing gives you a soul boner like a wallet full of money, then grab a Kleenex and keep the lube close, because this is truly beautiful news that'll make you weep tears of joy from your eye holes to your genitals! Brynne Gordon, the delicate CA flower who wowed the world with her refined tastes, married a giant leathery bag of cash in a truly elegant wedding in Australia yesterday. Even IN THIS ECONOMY, gold diggers continue to triumph! Inspiring.

In front of more than 500 guests. 26-year-old (in Lohan years) Brynne promised 66-year-old Australian multi-millionaire Geoffrey Edelsten that she will be with him "til bankruptcy does them part."

The wedding will go down in history as one of the most expensive in Australia. The total cost was around $3 million. Brynne wore $500,000 in diamonds and arrived in a helicopter. Fran Drescher and Jason Alexander were paid to host the reception. You know, because nothing makes crystal sparkle like The Nanny and George Costanza. At first, Brynne wanted one of her idols, Kelly Bundy, to host the event, but she's going to save her for the divorce party.

Congratulations to the happy couple! And condolences to Geoffrey's checking account, because Brynne is going to tear that bitch up!