Gold Diggers

On Sunday night's The Real Howives of Atlanta, common felon turned kept bitch Marlo Hampton got into a butch bitch battle royale with resident doberman Sheree Whitfield and it quickly turned into Marlo bragging about how her townhouse is paid for, her Aston Martin is in her name and she didn't have to spend a cent of her own money on her adam's apple removal surgery. (I made that one up, but pass me Marlo's medical file and I'm sure I'll be able to point to it.) Sheree then let it be known that Marlo got all of the fancy shit she owns by opening her legs to an 80-year-old white sugar daddy. I know, Sheree said it like it's a bad thing. Marlo is just using what a good surgeon gave her to make it rain hundred dollar bills without getting out of bed. My dream job.

Part of me thinks that Marlo was one of those frontin' hos who drives a 1988 Toyota Tercel with an Aston Martin shell over it, lives in the detached garbage behind the townhouse she says she owns and buys all of her luxury "designer" bags from an exclusive boutique housed in the back of a truck. But if Hello Beautiful (via C+D) is right, then I'm very wrong. Because they're hearing from a source that Marlo hit the sugar daddy jackpot yeeeeaaaars ago when billionaire Ted Turner put her on his payroll:

“Ted Turner was Marlo’s sugar daddy. My understanding is that Marlo is one of the reasons why Jane Fonda divorced Ted Turner.

Ted Turner is the 'sponsor' who financed the The Red Carpet Boutique Marlo had at the Perimeter mall in ATL. Marlo knows how to get money, she’s a true hustler.”

Well, color me impressed and punch me in the face with a Hanoi Jane fist. Marlo is not only a spot-on Chilli from TLC female impersonator, but she's also a successful gold digger. Marlo's talents know no bounds and here she is showing off one of the talents she shares with her arch rival Sheree:

Say what you want about Marlo, but you can't deny that she has the fighting skills of one of those sound-activated goblin Halloween props you buy at Walgreens. Now that is a true talent.

High school guidance counselors, please dump all your college brochures into the recycling bin and update your "Have you thought about future?" speech, because having a college education, student loan bills stacked up to your ass crack and a 401k is no way to go through life. Why sit on an uncomfortable ass seat for 4 years listening to some shit you don't need to know when you can sit on some professional athlete dick and wait until he eventually screws up so you can stick your wheelbarrow under his checking account and watch it rain! Elin Nordegren already proved her her GDD (gold digger degree) shits on your PhD and Vanessa Bryant has just co-signed that.

TMZ says that after all the negotiations, my new hero Vanessa Bryant will walk away with half of her and Kobe Bryant's $150 million assets including three of their Newport Beach mansions. Vanessa's mother gets to keep her mansion and Vanessa has snatched up the mansion she lives in now and the one she and Kobe were building when she filed for divorce. Add a monthly check for child and alimony support, and Vanessa is screaming like my mom when she won $5 in the penny slots.

Okay, okay, I shouldn't say that Vanessa is completely screaming out saliva strands of happiness. I mean, her marriage did drown in a pool of rancid fuck juices Kobe made with his side hos and she was betrayed by her husband of 10 years. If you took all the money in the world, melted it into clay and molded it into an extra thick butt plug, it still wouldn't be big enough to fill the hole in Vanessa's heart. There are not enough dollar bills in the world to dry all the tears that are trickling down Vanessa's face from Kobe breaking their vows. What is coming out of my fingers? I sound like Vanessa in front of Kobe's lawyers during settlement negotiations. Bitch can fill her tear ducts with diamond gel! Bitch can buy a new heart to replace the broken one! Bitch can do anything (Helen Reddy said so!).

Casper Smart must be doing all of his chores on time, because his azuquita mami JLo has moved him up from full-time rebound piece to being on her payroll. Casper makes a back-up dancer's salary and JLo won't even fart into the doorway of the places he can afford to take her, so she's allegedly giving him a $10,000 a week salary to keep everybody happy. Well, I've always said that good dick will make you sign a blank check and hand over your ATM code. But who knew that a humanized Howard the Duck could leave a ho dickmatized. Give it, get it, spend it, Casper.

Star Magazine (via Hollywood Life) heard from some source that JLo is an old-fashioned kind of bitch who thinks that the man should pay and it embarrasses her on the inside every time she has to bring her credit card out during dates with Casper. JLo is now putting a little money in his piggy bank, so everyone around them will think that he's paying even though everyone knows that she's really paying. The source says, “She hated having to whip out her credit card every time they go to dinner. Jen figured it’s easier to give Casper a weekly stipend, and she thought $10K was a nice round number. Jen doesn’t want to go over the top, showering Casper with too much, but she also wants him to up his game. Jen is hoping Casper won’t think twice about buying presents for her kids or whisking her off for a surprise weekend getaway.”

Is Star sure the source didn't leave a zero out in that $10,000 number? Because JLo's idea of a quick weekend getaway is getting her asshole platinum-leafed in an exclusive spa housed in an old diamond mine off the coast of Africa. And $10,000 won't even platinum leaf one of her ass lips. But honestly, I bet JLo's not even the one signing Casper's check. JLo is ridiculous, but she's not going to open up her checkbook when her main pimp Fiat will do it for her. Fiat's only requirement is that whenever Casper and JLo are getting down in a hotel room, he's contractually obligated to scream out "I'm going to ride you like a 1.4 liter Fiat 500, available at your local Fiat dealer!" loud enough for at least 4 people to hear.

In related news, The National Enquirer says that JLo's kids, the Dragon Tales Twins, are calling her kept piece "Daddy Casper." You know, there's no point in freaking about this, because I don't think it's a nickname. I'm pretty sure Daddy Casper is his actual government name.

One day you're wiping up another child's barf as the nanny, then you're humping Tiger Woods on your wedding night, then you're chasing him down with a golf club and then you're bulldozing down the $12 million Florida mansion you bought with your $100 million divorce settlement. Elin Nordegren is truly living the gold digging dream! Tiger Woods wrecked his own house by sticking his wandering peen into the chocha of every Waffle House waitress in Florida and now Elin Nordegren has wrecked her own house the old-fashioned way.

TMZ says Elin bought the 9,000 square foot, 6 bedroom, 8 bathroom beachfront mansion in North Palm Beach for $12 million in March. Elin must be a disciple of Teresa Giudice's "living in a used house is gross" way of life, because she has torn it down and is planning to build her dream mansion complete with a gallery that will house the torn-off nutsacks of Tiger Woods, which was part of her settlement.

Isn't this sort of thing a regular sport for the one percent? Whatever. Elin Nordegren earned the right to be wasteful as shit and build a multimillion dollar museum to celebrate the achievements of her perfect gold digging game.

But really, this post was just an excuse to pay tribute to a future gold digger that dropped on my radar during last night's episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. I present to you....ALANA!

“I want monaaaaay! A dolla make me holla, honey boo-boo child!" is the first two sentences every young star in the money hungry universe should learn. Elin should honor the future of gold diggers by naming her mansion Honey Boo Boo Child.

Kobe Bryant's assets are lying in a fetal position, sucking on their thumbs and mumbling for their mommies, because Vanessa Bryant filed papers to legally quit his ass after ten and a half years of marriage. Distracting Vanessa's eyes with the twinkles on a $4 million ring so she doesn't notice that Kobe's passing his peen to side ho after side ho is no longer going to work. The best part is that Vanessa never signed a prenup. All the gold diggers say YAAASSSS! Vanessa just grabbed a shovel, walked into Kobe's money vault and will keep scooping up cash until all she hears is the sound of metal hitting floor. #GETMONEYBITCH

TMZ reports that Vanessa filed divorce papers in L.A. this afternoon and said "irreconcilable differences" is the reason why her marriage is in the morgue right now. One source says that Vanessa could no longer take Kobe coming home smelling like random pussy and so she's finally putting him out. The source went on to say, "She's been dealing with these incidents for a long time and has been a faithful wife, but she's finally had enough. This one is the straw that broke the camel's back."

Vanessa wants joint custody of their 2 daughters, Natalia Diamante Bryant (DIAMANTE?!!!) and Gianna Maria-Onore, and spousal support, DUH. Vanessa and Kobe's lawyers have been working on this divorce for weeks and he's already agreed to pay her spousal support.

Do you think it's a coincidence that under California law, if you're married to a ho for at least 10 years, you get half of everything? Vanessa might be a certified platinum bitch (or so I've heard), but ho isn't stupid. Did you think Vanessa stood by like a dumb ass during those rape allegations for her health? Bitch was waiting to get that KOBE CHECK! I'm just bracing myself for all the side pieces who are going to fall from the sky and land directly on the cover of The National Enquirer. I'm also bracing myself for Kim Kuntrashian to inevitably fall onto Kobe's dick. I bet Pimp Mama Kris just orgasmed herself inside/out just from thinking about all the possiblities.

When you look at that picture above, you will probably just assume that one of the devil talons on Madge's labia scratched at Guy Ritchie's eyeball as he worshiped the third eye on her crotch earlier in the day. But the truth is, Guy Richie is throwing us a subtle "I'm going to rob this granny blind" wink. Guy, who got at least $75 million from Madge in the divorce, talked to Details about his marriage with her and he pretty much kept his words on the nice side until he added a slight dig about the fortune she dropped on his gold digging shovel.

DETAILS: You married Madonna when you were still a fledgling director and she was the most famous woman in the world. What was that adjustment like?
Guy Ritchie: I don't know. By the way, I enjoyed my first marriage. It's definitely not something I regret. The experience was ultimately very positive. I love the kids that came out of it, and I could see no other route to take. But you move on, don't you? You're right, I stepped into a soap opera, and I lived in it for quite a long period of my life. I'll probably be more eloquent on it 10 years from now.

DETAILS: What did you learn from that marriage?
Guy Ritchie: When you end up with a lot of the things you set out to chase and find that you've stumbled into all sorts of hollow victories, then you become deeply philosophical. I'm quite happy that that experience was accelerated for me. I'm glad I made money, in other words. And I'm glad I got married.

"I'm glad I made money, in other words" is the new gold digging motto. I would say that quote is like a stab to Madge's chest, but her body is covered in thorny lizard armor so daggers don't penetrate and $75 million is just a mere dingle on the huge ass crack that is her checking account. But really, that quote should be said by every gold digger at every will reading or divorce settlement hearing they attend. When the judge awards them millions and asks for a final word, they should stand up and say, "A wise gold digger once said, 'I'm glad I made money, in other words." It's that beautiful.

Last year, Mad Mel Gibson offered Oksana Grigorieva $15 million as a break-up settlement in exchange for a blow job before jacuzzi (you can't blame an asshole for trying). After OctoSana shook her head no to that offer (which because of her inner tube lips sounded like the dick slap dance from Kids), Mad Mel offered her $15 million straight up. That's when OctoSana took a gold digger gamble by turning Mel down and decided to take him to court instead. Well, in case you couldn't tell from the fuck my life face she's making in that picture above, bitch gambled and LOST.

TMZ says that when OctoSana turned down the $15 million last year, she tried to make it sound like she did it because part of the settlement included Mad Mel spending unsupervised time with their daughter Lucia. But their source claims that she thought her shovel could hit more gold if she dragged his crusty prune face to court.

Today was court day, and when OctoSana put her open palms out to collect her money, the court put a single $750,000 coin in her hands. $750,000!!!!!! The court stenographer immediately stopped her typing to play this sound on a boombox:

That's not even worth a fart from that original $15 million settlement! If that isn't already a kick to a gold digger's shovel, the settlement also gives Mad Mel even more unsupervised visits with his daughter.

The $750,000 will be paid over the next 5 years. The house she's living in will be sold and that money will go into a trust for their daughter. OctoSana and Mel will share both legal and physical custody of Lucia. OctoSana will also get child support every month, but that amount wasn't disclosed. Both OctoSana and Mel agreed to never speak of their relationship to the media again.

DAMN. DAMN. DAMN.

Let this be a lesson to gold diggers everywhere. When you make a baby with a Jew-hating, child-punching, anushole monster who has the face of a peach seed shat out of a walruses' ass and he offers you $15 million as a break-up settlement, TAKE THAT MONEY! Use it to change your name to Diabetes Tits Grigoriewitz and immediately move into a jacuzzi-free house in the middle of Israel. Mad Mel will never come for you and you'll never have to hear the words "BLOW ME BITCH" come out of his face lips ever again.

Crystal Harris continued on her Failed Gold Digging Whore Tour today by talking with Howard Stern about the first time she ever humped the bone dust out of Hugh Hefner's grave worm dick. It was pretty much the kind of romantic shit you'd expect between a 24-year-old lazy gold digger and an 85-year-old grandwhore. Crystal got to bypass Hef's usually conveyer belt line of blonde sluts and go straight to the front for a two-second long ride that made her pussy frown. Crystal spoke the language of true romance when she put it like this to Howard:

"[It lasted] like, two seconds. Then I was just over it. I was like, 'Ahh.' I was over it. I just, like, walked away. I'm not turned on by Hef. Sorry. He doesn't really take off his clothes. I've never seen Hef naked."

Sugar Pie better stick her little paw out, because Anna Nicole Smith is about to shed one single tear from heaven over this hurtful shit. Anna Nicole would've never behaved like that. That bum bitch Crystal Harris is a shame to all gold diggers. Yes, the thought of riding on Hef would make most coochies stiffen up like they've got rigor mortis, but you slap it loose and handle it.

You picture Hef's wrinkly flesh stick as his checking account and you picture your vag as your checking account. With every thrust you make, you picture a "transfer transmitting" bar. Don't hit back, just keep thrusting. Make that transfer, bitch! Seriously, that's how a real gold digger does it. I swear. If I was related to Crystal, I'd erase her name from our family tree on Ancestry.com. A shame.

via UsWeekly

Rachel Uchitel's whore mouth is what got her $10 million from Tiger Woods in the first place, and now that same whore mouth has cost her most of that money. Tiger Woods reportedly stuffed a $10 million hush money check between Rachel Uchitel's overstuffed dolphin dick lips after she signed a confidentiality agreement promising to keep his name off of her tongue for the rest of her life. Any smart gold digger would've immediately glamored Tiger Woods' name from her brain, because $10 million can buy a lot of lip injections and horse mane weaves. Rachel Uchitel is not a smart gold digger. Bitch is as dumb as she is Equus faced.

Rachel broke the agreement when she went on Celebrity Rehab for a "love addiction" and vaguely talked about Tiger to TMZ. Tiger's lawyer Jay Lavely accused Rachel of breaking the agreement and ordered her to give all of the money back.

TMZ reports that Rachel's lawyer Gloria Allred advised her to give whatever is left of the $10 million back to Tiger, because they'd lose in court. Rachel agreed, but one thing Cuchitel didn't know is that Gloria made a deal with Jay that she would still collect all of her attorney fees from the $10 million. If they went to arbitration and lost, Rachel would not have to pay Gloria a cent. So Rachel thinks that Gloria forced her to give back the money so the bitch could get paid. Rachel has now hired a malpractice lawyer to get those fees back from Gloria. Gloria issued this statement to TMZ:

"Our law firm no longer represents Ms. Uchitel and we have no comment on this story at this time. However, we are confident that we have always acted appropriately and in her best interests."

Gloria fucked that $10 million out of Rachel just like Rachel fucked that $10 million out of Tiger. I should laugh, but I'm too busy being disgusted and disappointed at Rachel. Rachel is a shit-skinned, anus-mouthed, piss-brained piece of Mr. Ed's caca who gives all conniving gold digging sluts a bad name! What kind of gold digger screws with the $10 million in her pocket by breaking an agreement? What kind of gold digger puts that $10 million in a domestic checking account instead of hiding it in a shoe box far, far away? What kind of gold digger tells Tiger's lawyer that she still has the money instead of saying the words I said when my third grade teacher asked me what I did with the candy I took from my classmate's desk: "I ATE IT, BITCH!"

If I had any respect for Rachel to begin with, she would've lost it over this dumb dumb move.

Looking like a 9 to 5 summer hooker strolling with her regular john to the skate park to pick up his 12-year-old son, the greasy "can't get clean" flower that is Paz de la Huerta made mouth love with her sugar pepaw as they walked around in NYC yesterday afternoon. Paz, who has permanent flu face, looks like she never wipes when she pees and hasn't washed her face since an officer did it for her in the drunk tank and her pepaw lover looks like he's growing three kinds of cheeses in his armpit, so these two hot pockets definitely belong together. You know the room smells like burnt grease, chitterling water, spoiled cabbage, fingernail dirt and drenched regret when they fuck.

Don't ask me why ole' boy is holding that skateboard. It's either because he's always ready for some kinky sex shit Paz gets into or he's really taking his mid-level crisis to new levels. I don't know. But I do know I will be seriously disappointed if this true love affair doesn't end with Spaz's drunk ass getting carried out of her sugar pepaw's office by security after she attacks him with a stapler for eye screwing some random on the street. If it doesn't end in fuckery, it doesn't end!