Gold Diggers

Long before Eric Johnson's sole job was to wrap cooked corndog breading around his peen and let Jessica Simpson eat it off, he was a pro football player who was married to Keri Johnson. After Eric's NFL career ended and his marriage to Keri started circling the drain, he instantly won the gold digger lottery when Jessica Simpson decided she wanted to eat his big sausage pizza all day, every day. When life hands a gold digger lemons, that gold digger needs to turns those lemons in MONAAAAAY. The gold digger needs to focus on his mark and shoo away any coochies that may keep him away from his goal. But that's not what Eric Johnson's skeezy dumb ass did.

A source tells Radar that when Eric was with Jessica, he was still laying his peen on his ex-wife's vagine. Keri thought that their break would make their marriage stronger, but Eric was only interested in making his checking account stronger by humping on Jessica. The source thinks that he'll step out on Jessica again:

“He’s a two-timing cheat! He was still having sex with Keri after he started seeing Jessica. She needs to think twice before marrying him. He’s already cheated on her once — he’ll most likely do it again.”

Bitch better not do it again. That would be a terrible gold digger fail. If you blindfolded Jessica and made her sniff a can of Chicken of the Sea and a can of StarKist, she wouldn't smell the difference. That's a good thing for Eric, because Jessica will never be able to smell the difference between her cooch juices and some random cooch juices, but still. If it wasn't for Jessica, Eric probably would've had to drop out of Wharton, because he couldn't afford it and he'd be working as a stock boy at a sporting goods store. Eric has it good and in the wise words of RuPaul, "Don't fuck it up."

File this under: Shit that reads like the plot of a messed up romcom starring Katherine Heigl and Hilary Swank.

A billionaire property magnate from Hong Kong has offered up a $65 million reward to any man who can successfully lure away his 33-year-old lesbian daughter from her wife. FINALLY, my dreams of becoming a beard AND a successful gold digger can come true. This can really work especially since many a bitch has told me that I look like a middle-aged Chinese butch lez.

Business Insider (via Towleroad) says that the daughter Gigi Chao (on the right and her Facebook is here) married her partner of 7 years Sean Eav (on the left) in France on April 4th, but her father Cecil Chao denies that a wedding ever took place and he refuses to accept his daughter's wife into the family. Cecil Chao is so desperate to make his daughter straight that he's willing to part with $65 million of his own money and he doesn't even care if the lesbian-turner is poor or rich. The only thing Cecil wants in a son-in-law to be is a dude who is kind in the heart and is a hard worker who wants to start his own business. Cecil, my future father-in-law, put it like this:

"[The prize money is] an inducement to attract someone who has the talent but not the capital to start his own business. Gigi is a very good woman with both talents and looks. She is devoted to her parents, is generous and does volunteer work."

I've only been in a Subaru twice, I hate going to Home Depot and plaid flannel doesn't look good on me because it's too busy for my facial features, but I'm willing to change all of that to be richer than Honey Boo Boo (I'm convinced she's a secret millionaire and is faking the poor for maximum media attention)!

But seriously, this could be like the lesbian version of Ang Lee's The Wedding Banquet. I'll move into Gigi and Sean's penthouse and we'll all pretend our way to millions! I'll even do a beard apprenticeship with Kelly Preston for a few months to learn how to be the best beard ever.

If my father-in-law ever walks into my Hong Kong penthouse and catches me with a peen in my mouth, I'll just tell him that his heterosexual daughter and I are heterosexual swingers and I always test the peens she's about to suck on, because I respect him too much to let his heterosexual daughter suck on nasty-tasting dicks. He'll believe me, this will work and we'll all be rich!

Bitch is so rich that her nipples are made of diamonds!

Mushu the Dragon's twin sister separated at the plastic surgeon's table will take her tossed salad and scrambled eggs with a side of Beluga caviar and liquid gold foam from now on, thankyouverymuch. Because TMZ says that all three of the mansions Kelsey and Camille Grammer bought while they were married together are on the market and when they're all sold, she'll get half of that money. Camille's half will total around $30 million. TMZ's source says that Camille is pretty much the Steve Jobs of gold diggers, because when she met Kelsey, he had snorted most of his Cheers and Frasier money up his nose. Camille became the CFO of Kelsey's life and took whatever money he had left and turned it into a mountain of millions.

I kind of find it hard to believe that Kelsey couldn't even cough out a dime when he met Camille, but I'm still going to choose to believe it and I'm also going to say that she deserves $30 million and then some. Camille has IBS, so not only did she have to deal with her own shit (literally), but she had to deal with Kelsey's shit too. If it wasn't for Camille, Kelsey wouldn't be doing the backstroke in a pool of hundred dollar bills and if Kelsey wasn't doing the backstroke in a pool of hundred dollar bills, his newest gold digging wife wouldn't be licking on his taint. So when Kelsey's gold digging wife finishes licking on his taint for spending money, she can lick on Camille's next!

New York Magazine's The Cut has an entire article on the NBA's most fashionable wives and it's basically just a platform for a bunch of gold-plated hos to fart drop the names on all the labels on all the designer clothes hanging in a closet that is twice the size of my apartment. It's just the 1% reminding us poors that their queefs are made by the same perfumers who make  Chanel No. 5. But what's extra special about this article is that they talk to one of my personal heroes and gold digging icons Vanessa Bryant, seen above looking Kuntrashian-like while posing with her dog Gucci. Bitch WOULD have a dog named Gucci.

The Cut tells us that Kobe Bryant's wife prefers to keep her personal life personal and she'd rather hump on her 8.5 carat diamond ring than hump on fame. Even though Vanessa hates the spotlight since the spotlight dries out the skin she slathers blended fetus cream on every night, she will lend her ultra famous name to foundations she cares about. (Example: During Kobe's latest cheating scandal, Vanessa leaked stories to the press to benefit her #GetMoneyBitch Foundation. So giving.)

Vanessa talks about Khloe Kardashian, her marriage and how she'd never be married to Kobe if he didn't win championships. Such a role model to me:

On how Birkin bags are for kids: “I’ve collected Birkin bags, Chanel 2.55 jumbo flap bags, and the Marc Jacobs Stephen Sprouse collection for Louis Vuitton since I was a teenager. But now, as they say, everyone and their mom is buying a Birkin or a regular size 2.55 bag in black, taupe, or beige. I’ve been sticking to a magenta suede Proenza Schouler bag.”

On how she's SO real, because she doesn't have a nanny and takes care of her kids by herself: “I’m up at 6:30 in the morning with my kids. I’m taking them wherever they need to go.”

On how she's not about to get mauled by a Sasquatch: “Khloé was at my 29th birthday. I don’t get involved in the drama. I’ve been with Kobe since I was 17, so I’ve seen plenty of players, and plenty of wives, come and go. It wouldn’t benefit me whatsoever to have an issue with any of them, whether they were a girlfriend, or a wife, a person-of-a-month, or … you know. And I think that’s why the Lakers as an organization give me the access that I have, that other wives don’t have.”

On how she's so special that they let her sashay into the tunnel after games: "If you notice, I am the only one allowed in that tunnel. I don’t like standing outside and giving him a kiss in front of all the cameras. So I stand in there to get away from them. But then the cameras end up following. And if the girls are there, sometimes, that’s their kiss good night for Daddy, and when he comes home, they’re asleep.”

On her marriage with Kobe: “We’re working on things.”

On how her husband sticking his wandering peen in any and every trick is okay, but losing a championship isn't: “I certainly would not want to be married to somebody that can’t win championships. If you’re sacrificing time away from my family and myself for the benefit of winning championships, then winning a championship should happen every single year.”

"As they say, everyone and their mom is buying a Birkin bag." Who is the "they" bitch that says this? I don't own a stupid ass Birkin bag and I know my mom doesn't own a stupid ass Birkin bag. I don't even think my mom knows what a Birkin bag is. She probably thinks it's a bag you keep your Birkenstocks in or a bag you barf into when you stare at Cheryl Burke's face too long. I don't know. But I guess you aren't the "every" or the "one" in everyone if you don't own a Birkin bag. Vanessa Bryant should be a guest editor for GOOP.

And now Kobe knows that if he wants to get rid of Vanessa Bryant, he just has to throw a championship game.

I'll wait here as you wipe away the glittery hummingbird juice that secreted out of your nipple slits after you laid eyes on that picture on the left. All wiped up? Okay, so I've never gotten a vibe from Casper Smart that he loves to gargle on peen morning, noon and night. Never. But now everything has changed thanks to this picture which is as gay as a unicorn getting DPed by a rainbow and a pink toy poodle named Mon Cherie. Radar points us to the Twitter page of Joshua Lee Ayers, a dancer who has worked with Casper in the past and claims that JLo's bought-and-paid-for piece sucks L.A. dick on the down low. To back up his claim, Joshua tweeted this picture of Casper making a "your peen goes here" pose while working a kaleidoscope in his shorts. That's the only receipt I need! via Radar:

"Check out Ur boy… And his low key homo ways," Joshua wrote on a photo of Casper that he posted on his Twitter account in March.

In the photo, Casper is shirtless, wearing shiny gold short shorts obviously stuffed with something, a sparkly bejeweled belt, a scarf and a deer hunter hat while surrounded by other shirtless men in their underwear.

On May 24, Joshua posted another photo of Casper showing off his cheekbones with the caption: "I know what I know, Not love, a lot of business and public relations."

JLo's rep denies that Casper is gay and says that it must be a slow news week. I resemble that comment!

But seriously, that pic doesn't prove anything. How many straight dudes have gotten drunk on malt liquor and ended up giving sugar to the camera while wearing a rhinestone belt? Entire frats wouldn't exist if shit like that didn't go down on the regular. Casper could scream for peen, poon or both. It doesn't matter. There's only two things that matter: 1) Casper is representing hard for the gold digger community and; 2) That duck-faced bitch looks hotter in a pair of gold shorty shorts than JLo does. Werk it, guurrrrrl.

GOOD NEWS! Our prayers have been answered and we no longer have to worry about Gabriel Aubry ruining her beautiful Adonis-like face by getting a wrinkle from doing actual work. Ever since March, Gabriel has been trying to convince a judge to order Halle Berry to pay him at least $15,000 a month in child support even though he doesn't have full custody of their daughter Nahla. Yesterday in court, Gabriel flashed his nipple-burning smile and asked the judge if a beautiful face like his deserves to lie on a cheap Serta mattress in a $2,000 a month condo in Burbank? CASE CLOSED! Judgement for the gorgeous, humanized David with luscious Disney prince hair.

TMZ says that the judge is making Halle drop $20,000 into Gabriel's perfectly manicured paws every single month. Gabriel's lawyers argued that when Nahla comes to visit him, she should be swathed in the same kind of luxury she's swathed in when she's at Halle's house. Don't worry, Halle and Gabriel haven't finished barking in each other's pretty faces, because she's still trying to move Nahla to France. So there's that.

Now Gabriel can rent a fancy house, get fancy furniture, buy fancy sheets and stock his fancy refrigerator with fancy food so Nahla feels at home. And I'm sure Gabriel will really make Nahla feel at home by playing a recording on his Bose surround sound system of Halle screaming "YOUR FATHER IS A FUCKWAD ASSHOLE! I HATE HIM!" over and over again. A Bose surround sound system bought with that $20,000, thankyouverymuch.

Greg Allman of The Allman Brothers Band has been married 6 times, including one time to Cher, but now he can say with a full (and not at all vaginamatized) heart that he has found true, organic love with a girl who probably wasn't even born yet when a white hair first sprouted out of his crotch bush. 64-year-old Greg went on Piers Morgan's show on Tuesday night and introduced his child bride, 24-year-old Shannon Williams to the world. You might be thinking that this is a bad move for Greg's checking account, but I have to disagree with your ass (and not only because I'm always on Team #getmoneybitch). This is a smart move! In one year, Greg and Shannon can save money at restaurants by ordering from the seniors AND children's menu. Get that discount, bitches!

Greg also told Piers that he doesn't consider Shannon as his 7th wife, he considers her his first wife. Yes, it's like that.

"That's not what she's becoming. She's becoming wife number one. I don't have a wife. Haven't had one for years.

And, added The Allman Brothers Band founding member, "This time, I am really in love."

Can't you feel the love in the air? Or maybe that breeze is from Anna Nicole Smith slow clapping for Shannon up in heaven.

Tara Reid left a yacht party in Cannes the other night and in the old days this sentence would end with "and by 'left' I mean she jumped overboard after mistaking the ocean for a giant bowl of vodka." But it's a new day and it's a new Tara Reid! Tara Reid left the party holding on to the hand of 60-year-old Fawaz Gruosi, the founding president of a fancy jewelry company called de Grisogono. Now everyone (read: HuffPo, a few obscure European papers who still care about Tara Reid and me) is saying that Tara got herself a sugar daddy. To which I say, YAAAASSSSS!

Tara's love life has been pretty bleak as of late. Last year, Tara's 3-second-long fake marriage to some businessman ended after they found out the union was not legal, because the gin bottle that married them was not a registered officiant! Before that, Michael Assman and Tara Reid canceled their wedding plans after he found out that the bulge in her shorts was just saggy skin meat from her botched lipo job and not a fat peen. But now, Tara is finally doing shit right by looking for love in all the rich places. Tara was headed straight for a life of running out of truck stop bars to barf out bottom shelf whisky onto a cigarette can and now she's headed straight for a life of running out of 5-star restaurants to barf out Dom onto the shoes of her chauffeur.

And Fawaz has a case of the Ceiling Eyes, which means he'll probably never get a good look at her open-faced lasagna stomach. Tara did good!

After humping on Jenny McCarthy for all those years and making my eyeballs barf by professing his love to Emma Stone in a video love letter, Jim Carrey has finally found true love with a 30-year-old Russian student and he's getting ready to make her his third wife. Star says that Jim started licking on Anastasia Vitkina's glorious globe head last year and shit is getting so serious that he's planning to put an engagement ring on her finger. Gold diggers of the world, prepare your shovels for the victory salute! A source close to Jim puts it like this:

"Jim is going to propose! He's absolutely crazy about Anastasia and couldn't be happier. Anastasia is really smart, but what he likes best about her is her sense of humor. She makes him laugh -- Jenny would drive him to tears."

Jim confessed to Anastasia, 'It's not always easy being with me, in more ways than one. But he added, 'I promise to make it worth your while.'"

I always knew deep down that Jim would find love with a Russian woman who looks like what would happen if Amanda Seyfried artificially inseminated herself with Brian Peppers' jizz. Anastasia is perfect for Jim. Whenever he starts to really act the crazy (example: by pulling a prenup for her to sign), Anastasia can use her Plymouth Rock forehead to head butt him back into real life.

Gabriel Aubry has made a lot of coins from flashing his nipples and beauty in ad campaigns for Charisma, Louis Vuitton and True Religion, but he still doesn't have enough money to give his daughter Nahla the fancy life she's accustomed to. Nahla's childhood will be scarred unless there's the roof of a mansion over her head and she's got a Blue Ivy-approved wardrobe in her solid gold dresser. Gabriel can't pay for that fancy shit himself, so he's asking a judge to force Halle Berry to fill his gold digger jar with enough money to rent a fancy house, buy Nahla fancy clothes and take her to visit his family in Canada on a fancy plane. Basically, Nahla is THAT fancy.

Gabriel wants a chunk load of money including $15,000 to $20,000 a month to rent a house. The judge was supposed to rule on this mess next week, but it's been pushed into April. Gabriel is in danger of losing his custody rights of Nahla, because of the whole "nanny accusing him of raging on her" thing, so the family law judge is waiting for a decision from the dependency judge before ruling on the money thing.

These crazy ass bitches have to get crazy over the tiniest things. You know, I barely visited my dad after my parents got divorced, but when I did I had to sleep on a pull-out polyester couch (again, a polyfuckingester couch) in the living room. That shit was busted and I think the springs in the janky mattress took my butt virginity way too soon. Did my dad ever drag my mom to court to get her to give him enough money so he could give me the life I was accustomed to by renting a glamorous 3 bedroom tract house complete with a bedroom set from Levitz? No, but he should've, because I had to go through his bedroom to get to the bathroom and one time I caught him getting down with my one-legged stepmother. I haven't been the same since. So I say, get that money, Gabriel!