Gold Diggers

Last night in Hollywood, Michael Douglas was honored by the American Film Institute and his shiny trophy was right there to next him smiling like she means it. That's why Cubic Zirconia Jones is an icon to all gold diggers. Yes, CZJ acts in movies sometimes, but being a trophy wife is her first priority. And she does it oh so well!

When Michael's colostomy bag spills in the middle of the night, CZJ probably doesn't even bat an eye. Well, I don't think she can bat her eye at all, because of ze Botoz. But if she could, she still wouldn't. She simply slips into her marabou-lined slippers, waltzes to the bathroom, makes sure her make-up is perfect and then quietly calls for the maid to come clean Michael's caca up. A classy whore in every way.

Usher and Tameka Foster are no longer dick slapping each other in the middle of the night, because their marriage ooooooooover. That's what InTouch is screaming anyway. They claim divorce papers were filed in Atlanta today asking the courts to end their misery and kill their 2-year-old marriage.

A source said that it's been over for a while now and Usher has been living in a different house for over a year. Usher and Tameka have two sons together, 1-year-old Usher V and 6-month-old Naviyd.

The source went on to say that Usher and Tameka are living completely separate lives. When Tameka almost died from getting the fat sucked out of her in Brazil, Usher didn't even know she was having that shit done.

Oh, well. Once Tameka starts collecting alimony payments, I hope she signs up for The Real Housewives of Atlanta. They could use someone like her. You know, someone who actually has money and doesn't regularly hide in the closet when the dudes from Rent-A-Room come knocking on the door to take away all the furniture for non-payment.

And Tameka has just the jaw needed to battle it out with Kim Zolciak's beast of a wig.

The rumor that a new spawn of Gibson will soon be upon us has been confirmed as TRUE! The old crazy goat made jokes with Jay Leno about it on the Tonight Show last night. It may be a bag full of LOLs to him, but nobody else is laughing. The only way we'll laugh is if Mel's whore gives birth to a pair of tits made out of sugar or a yarmulke!

29-year-old Oksana Grigorieva will pop out Mel's 8th child sometime this fall. Some source who sounds like they are suffering from a serious case of delusion told People that the pregnancy has nothing to do with the reason why Mel's wife of 28 years filed for divorce. According to the source, nobody knew the ho had a fetus growing inside of her until after the red stamp labeled FILED was branded into the papers.

Mel blames himself for the fact that his marriage turned into dust. Mel told Jay, "My wife and I, our marriage ended three years ago and we've been separated ever since then. When it's all said and done, I did a pretty good hatchet job on my marriage myself. I'm to blame. If you're inclined to judge, put it here."

Mel also said it was true that his trick is knocked up. When Jay joked that this will be his 29th child, Mel said, "Well, actually eight. I guess I'm Octo-Mel." OCTO-MEL?! Do you hear that? It's the sizzling sound of all your ovaries slowly melting. It's bad enough that Mel's whore looks like the IVF baby of OctoMommy and an eel.

Is there somewhere in the Catholic bible that says if you take a hatchet to your marriage and impregnate your Russian mistress, you must be fed to an overgrown raging possum (aka Kate Gosselin's hair)? Because if that isn't in the Catholic Bible, someone (I'm looking at you, Jesus) needs to add that shit now and show it to Mel. This is our way out!

Just like the Catholic Church, Mel Gibson has nothing to hide, so he swung his doors wide open and brought out his new Russian piece to a screening of Wolverine last night Los Angeles. It's been a little over two weeks since Mel's wife filed to legally quit his insane ass. The documents claim they have been split up for over two years.

53-year-old (yeah, that's all) Mel and his 39-year-old girlfriend, Russian composer and Timothy Daltona's baby mama Oksana Grigorieva, have been hiding out in Costa Rica where they've spent their time on their knees praying, of course. The two met after Oksana was signed to Mel's music label Sugar Tits Records.

Last night was their first public appearance together. You know, they just wanted to be like every couple and go see a movie together. They had no idea hundreds of photographers would be there to capture this special moment which would be published all over the world. I'm sure smug ass Mel is grinning at the thought of his ole' wifey opening up the newspaper and seeing this silver bullet to the heart.

Mel's rep told People, "Mel has been single for almost three years and it's nice to see him getting out and enjoying himself." By the looks of him, Mel hasn't enjoyed himself since the late 80s. Can I get a B-E-A-T?

Seriously, I thought doing sexy times with a younger bitch was supposed to make you look all fresh and shit? Because Mel's got the olds in a bad way all over his mug. He needs a holy water and communion wafer facial.

As for Oksana, she kind of looks like a hybrid of OctoMommy and Sophia Lamar, a famous NYC tranny. And how can she go from Timothy Dalton to that?! We know she's riding on Mel's crucifix for the coin, but does she realize that his wife is going to run off with half of his fortune? Bitch better hope she is the second coming of OctoMommy and pops out a litter of money babies. Because fucking on that haggard goat and not having anything to show for it afterwards is a sin!

Bruce Willis married baby model Emma Hemming this past weekend in the Turks & Caicos and it sounds like their romance was taken from a page out of Tommy Girl's handbook. Bruce's whores are saying the two met through friends, but Page Six says they hooked up the Hollywood way: on a casting couch!

While casting hos for the movie Perfect Stranger (Bruce played Larry, Halle Berry played Balki), Bruce insisted he go through all the head shots and even sit in during cattle calls. Some source, who was part of casting for the shit show, says Bruce was looking for young pussay! They said, "He personally went through head shots and when the girls were called in to 'read,' he was there in the meeting. It was odd for the star of a movie to do so, but at the time he was single and I guess he needed a date."

From the call, Bruce met Tamara Feldman, who also got a part in the movie. A little while later, Emma was cast in a small role and Bruce started hitting that as well. In the end, Tamara got cut and Emma won the biggest role of all: his wife!

Bruce probably got sick and tired of seeing Demi Moore parade her little whore in front of his face, so he decided to get his own piece. And Emma plopped her vag onto the right casting couch.

This makes me think of Sarah Larson's stupid skank ass. This could have been her! Emma learned from Sarah's mistakes.. Once she landed Bruce, she shut her yap, didn't try to become famous herself and it paid off. When life throws a rich motherfucker in your lap, you seize the opportunity and suck that bitch all the way to the altar.

The newest member of the Gold Diggers Club is 32-year-old model Emma Heming who married 54-year-old Bruce Willis last night on the island of Turks and Caicos in the Caribbean. Look at Emma! She's so fucking excited about all the cash she's going to roll around in that she can barely open her damn eyes! Bitch is getting shit done. She might look like she's an overgrown fetus, but she knows how to do business. And now the old billy goat has a shiny toy to show around!

This is Bruce's second marriage and you better believe it won't be his last. Trust this.

UsWeekly says guests included Bruce's ex-wife Demi Moore, her child Ashton Kutcher, Tater Head and the other Willis fuglets.

I'm sure Ashton is creaming douche jelly over this, because he finally has some company at the children's table at Thanksgiving dinner!

I already forgave Ronnie Wood for leaving his wife for that barely legal whore who is only sucking on his dehydrated worm to get to his cash, but I cannot forgive him for this. You might not be reading this, because you were temporarily blinded by those things on Ronnie's feet. THOSE UGHS! I bet that Tinkerwhore made him wear those things. She is making sure that no other living thing will hop on her meal ticket. Damn. She's good.

It hurts, though. Now Ronnie really looks like a rocker lady who left the wild life of the big city to move to the suburbs to raise her grandkiddies and become a soccer memaw. Painful.

KFed and his girl piece, who always looks like she's on her way to high school volleyball practice, left a bowling alley last night and found their SUV covered in dollars. That skanky ass SUV was probably selling $1 blow jobs in the parking lot. It fucks for money just like its owner.

Seriously, the paps thought it was be really heeeeeelarious to throw some dollar bills on KFed's windshield. Those pappies must be Richie Riches, because I don't know who is throwing bills around like that in this economy.

You know KFed drove to the nearest MACDonald's (that's what my mom calls it) and bought everything on the dollar menu times two. He might have bought his girlfriend something too. He really should have taken that money to buy some damn clothes so he can quite stealing shit from Queen Latifah's closet.

Padma Lakshmi is good at sooooo many things. She's good at saying "from the makers of GLAD family of products" on Top Chef and she's even better at picking men. And by "men" I mean sugar pepaws. Padma's last piece was Salman Rushdie and now she's pulling Ted Forstmann's frosty pubes out of her mouth. He's the 60-something CEO of IMG and he shits gold. Enough said. He no longer looks like he has moth balls under his nuts. He looks like a hot piece with 8-pack abs and a mega peen.

Some bitches like big dicks and some like big checking accounts. The difference is that a big dick isn't going to buy you a Bentley. But a big checking account will turn a small soggy peen into a 9" rock hard rod of sex. Yes, it will, but only authentic gold diggers are born with that kind of imagination. Padma has it. She's my inspiration.

Ivana Trump quit her fourth husband only 3 months ago and she's already got a new diaper-wearing boy toy to keep her turkey arms gobblin' at night. Ivana was in Paris last night with some 22-year-old model type who goes by the name of John-David Dery. Yes, he's 22 and she's fucking 59.

Ivana obviously loves the scent of baby powder on the nuts and John-David loves her money. And from the looks of him, he probably loves the scent of baby powder on the nuts too. The dude doesn't look like a vagina-only kind of boy.

This bitch is going to get her gold digging membership card revoked if she marries this one. Fuck it, ride it, suck it, eat it and then throw that shit away! She does not need any legal ties to that dick. His ass is going to do whatever it takes for her to say "I do." He'll even deal with her pissing on his dick during fucky times. Okay, let's talk about this for a quick second.

My horny aunt once told me that she couldn't hold her water during sex anymore. She actually said that she "wets on the penis" sometimes. I figured she meant she was just busting nuts, but she cleared it up for me, "No. I go #1." She actually said #1. We're talking about pissing during fucking and she tries to be all polite-like. Anyway, she said that in her old age, she has that problem now. I asked some other oldies about it and they said it never happens to them. So my aunt obviously just has a pissy pussy. For some reason when I saw these pictures of Ivana and her new piece, I thought of pissy pussy.

Here's Ivana, her plastic cat face and her toy at some restaurant in Paris last night.