Gold Diggers

Those of you who get the tingles for NIN's Trent Reznor, will have to nurse your fuck part with some Chamomile tea and a showing of Milo & Otis, because he got married last night. Trent married an alien from Mars' Bai Ling Tribe who goes by the name of Mariqueen Maandig. Mariqueen used to be in the band West Indian Girl, but now that she's fucking on Trent's nine inch (I hope) nail, she doesn't need to sing for her supper anymore.

The marriage hasn't been confirmed by Trent's spokeswhore, but his good friend Danny Lohner Tweeted this eloquent message last night:

"goths the world over will mourn this day- off to a wedding....CONGRATS my nagguh!"

Methinks "nagguah" is douchanese for "my fellow dicktard." I think. We'll get Jon Grosselin to translate later.

Mariqueen's extra terrestrial brows are hypnotizing me to say that Trent absolutely picked the right alien to make his wife. When Trent's peen no longer sings sweet nothings for Mariqueen, he should ask for her eyebrows in the divorce.

Who says that almost losing your finger every time you stick it in Vadge's Venus Fly Snatch doesn't pay off?! The Sun says that Madonna wants her child near her at all times, but she isn't ready to set up a nursery for him in her house, so she's buying him a shiny new crib of his very own! Apparently, Vadge has sent out her real estate slaves to find her kept child an apartment within walking distance to her own cougar den on the Upper East Side in Manhattan.

Some source who seems to know all about the situation said, "She's told them to spend no more than £1.7million and the pad has to be within walking distance of her townhouse. She is financing everything but Jesus will own it once it's found and bought. She really wasn't kidding when she told him he'll never have to worry about money from now on."

Baby Jesus' dick really does do miracles, because he's managed to turn Vadge's lady jizz into cash! We all have to start respecting Baby Jesus as one of the major players in the gold digging game.

At last night's after-party for Good Hair in NYC, CoCo and fellow rapper fucker Amber Rose popped their triple-platinum asses out in unison making everyone's nalgas in the room immediately deflate. There's really only so much ass one room can take!

I'm not really sure what's going on in these pictures. I think we might be witnessing CoCo bust an orgasm while rubbing up against Rosebot. CoCo's camel toe o'plenty probably hit the ground and jumped back up into her crotch area. I need a cigarette.

On the reunion show for The Real Housewives of Orange County, Gretchen Rossi said that her rich sugar pepaw didn't leave her trillions of dollars when he went off to heaven. Well, TMZ says that Gretchen's dead fiance, Jeff Beitzel, left her around $2.5 million.

Apparently, Jeff's ex-wives (he has a clan of them) are shaking their fists and farting at Gretchen's direction, because they are not happy she got so much money.

Gretchen wants everyone to know that she loved loved loved Jeff and is disgusted that hating bitches think she was with him only because he kept her slathered in diamonds. Because of this, Gretchen is donating all of the money to charity. SIKE! Bitch is keeping that cash!

But you know, Gretchen deserves it, because she put her career (HA!!) on hold to take care of Jeff. And by "take care of Jeff," I mean call him every other day while she was partying in Lake Havasu and shaking her Tupperware tittays in Las Vegas. We should raise our glasses of Sanka and Red Bull to Gretchen, because she truly is the Florence Nightingale of gold diggers.

And here's some pictures from last month of Gretchen still mourning the loss of her fiance by frolicking on the beach with a used laxative who goes by the name of Slade Smiley.

P.S. - Now that Gretchen is a millionaire, maybe she can give Tamra a loan!

Here's Jude Law's baby momma of the month, Samantha Burke, in an exclusive pregnant bikini spread for Photobucket. Hey, what else is she supposed to do when even The Globe won't take her calls and someone keeps flagging her Craigslist "LOOK AT ME" ad? A famewhore has to whore herself out any way she can!

TMZ somehow came across (*cough*SamBu sent them the link*cough*) a Photobucket account containing a bunch of pictures of Samantha documenting the growth of her money fetus while wearing sessy bikinis and lingerie. Bitch is working that bump like she really wants to make it into your MySpace Top 8! You can tell she's a pro. Look at how she's posing with that window shade cord! Chicken Cutlets has some competition!

This is the most hurtful, disturbing and ridiculous news I've heard all morning! 24-year-old Kristin Hardy has officially divorced her 85-year-old BILLIONAIRE husband, because he wanted to fuck every minute of the day. Get our your abacuses, class! It's math time: 85-year-old heart + billions of dollars + copious amounts of Viagra + overexertion = AN EASY MARK! Why must I cry?

Joe Hardy, the founder of 84 Lumber, and Kristin were married in 2007 (after dating for a few months), but split up only 3 months later. Kristin says that the marriage immediately went south when Joe gave her a list of things she had to do.

Joe wanted her to spend more time with him and less time with her son from another relationship. Joe demanded that she not text message in front of him, walk around the house in sessy lingerie and give him sex whenever he wanted it. Kristin told The Mirror, "I just could not believe what he wanted me to do. He'd lean over while we were watching TV and grope me. That's not how married couples behave. He expected a feel of tit whenever he wanted, French-kiss him constantly and parade around the house in sexy underwear."

The day after she got the list, Kristin left Joe and went to live with her mother. According to the pre-nup she signed, if Kristin walked away from the marriage, she'd get a box full of NOTHING.

Kristin, who is now engaged to a 28-year-old IT consultant, said she married Joe for love and not for money, "I did not marry him for his money. People were calling me a gold-digger but that could not be further form the truth. I married for love and it is as simple as that." STOP! STOP! STOP! PUT IT DOWN! I can't listen to this anymore. You are hurting me, Kristin! Don't make believe that there's people out there with morals and self-respect. I'm not listening anymore....lalalalalalalalaaaa!

Okay, Joe sounds like a regular Creepy McGrossyOldHands, but what did Kristin expect!? She married a man old enough to be her grand pepaw after only dating him for a few months. It's not like they were the second coming of Brit Brit & Chester Cheetah (the love affair of our time). If only I was in Kristin's life, I'd tell her ass what to do.

All she had to do was tie Joe to the bed, spoonfeed him a delicious Viagra and caramel square shake, blindfold him, stick a vibrating rubber vagina over his geriatric peen and then take her kid shopping for diamond-covered toys. Rinse and repeat.

And if Kristin is truth-telling and really married an 84-year-old billionaire for love, then homegirl needs ten lifetimes of therapy. Marrying a creepy old man for money = SANE. Marrying a creepy old man for love = CERTIFIABLE.

(Thanks Soraya)

My MacBook is sending good thoughts to its very distant relative, Kanye's MacBook Air, because it's about to go through some serious shit when the CAPS-LOCK poet finds out about this mess. The New York Daily News says that at Diddy's white party in Beverly Hills on Saturday, Kanye's on-and-off manpurse holder was caught tongue fucking lady beater Chris Brown in a dark corner.

Some witness said, "They were holding hands and making out in the shadows. She had her hand on his leg." A little later on, the two got gross again at an after-party. Chris showed up with singer Teyana Taylor, but quickly quit her ass for ole' baldy. The witness added, "They were kissing on the dance floor in front of Teyana. But he and Amber left separately."

Amber's contract as Kanye's bald beard must be up, because bitch is out working the ho stroll for another john and she's not being too picky. Before you give her the side-eye and a lip smack, look up the prices for a shave and a headshine. That shit isn't free! A bitch has got to get paid one way or another.

I just hope Kanye West is getting ready to unleash his wrath in the rant of all RANTS dedicated to Chris Brown! If anyone can prove that you can bust a bitch in the eye with a blog post, it's Kanye. Show us the true power of the CAPS-LOCK key, Kanye!

I regularly toast successful panty peddlers for their hard work in the field of gold digging, but I always forget about KFed. And I shouldn't. If KFed didn't drop his Bisquick batter into Brit Brit's Cheeto pot, he would probably be sneaking joints in the storage room at his day-job at Kinko's instead of living the life. Look at his ass now! The dumb bitch has it made! While Brit Brit makes that Slim Jim money thrusting her twatty all over the UK, KFed is taking their Cheetolings to the Hard Rock Cafe. And the dude is getting paid for it! The best part is that he even came with a bodyguard and a nanny! That's like getting paid to just eat, lay down and carry around a tiny Cheetoling every now and again. I swear.

Here's more of KFed with the boys leaving the Hard Rock Cafe in London last night. I think the boys just ate cheesebugers and fries. KFed ate the whole kitchen.

If you aren't on your way to the emergency room, because your genitals exploded upon first sight of this scrumptious and delectable pepaw, read on. This is Donald and he will be the breakout star of Vh1's new reality show. Mark my words! You know you want to see this creampuff get crunk and slap a dude or barf on a bitch.

Donald is just one of the "millionaires" willing to shower Megan with cash on her new show Megan Wants a Millionaire. Megan is that one bikini-wearing ho with the pancake-face from Rock of Love and I Love Money.

Starting in August, the show will follow 17 millionaires as they try to buy their way into Megan's heart. Each week, Megan will quit a bitch who isn't paying up.

This is going to be some Rick Rockwell shit. Can you say "tax lien from the IRS"?

Vh1 has released pictures of a few of the supposed millionaires, but I've posted the hottest bitches below. None of them can fill a pair of panties faster than Donald, but they will still make you all puckery.

Usher has officially filed papers asking for The BIG D from Tameka Foster. No, not the "big dick." Usher wants to quit that bitch after nearly 2 years of being tied down to her legally. There were rumors on Thursday that Usher filed that morning, but he actually waited until Friday. TGIF?

A source told People that for about a year Usher has been staying away from Tameka. Probably because her nutstack hangs lower than his and he's always been self-conscious of that. It's understandable. The source said that Tameka hasn't been bothered by Usher not being around to crank her cock, because she spends her time focusing on their two baby sons and the three sons she has with another dude.

You know Usher's mother is going to be doing the moonwalk all around town while singing her own acoustic version of The Hives' "I Hate To Say I Told You So." That image will get me through the weekend. And so will the image of Tameka hiking up her chonies (the ones with the dick hole) to battle Usher for that MONEY. Git it! Unleash your T-rex jaw of fury on Usher's checking account!