PUPPIES!

That puppy's eyes are broadcasting to anyone who will listen: "This hag is either going to eat me or trade me in for a speedball. Save. Me." And that puppeh has every reason to be afraid. I mean, what crack house toilet did Mischa Barton crawl out of? I'm all for the 4-day-old eye make-up look, but Mischa is not wearing it well. The world already has one Courtney Love.

Here's the girl from The Sixth Sense terrorizing puppies at the opening of Harrods' summer sale in London yesterday.

Earlier this month, Oprah adopted two golden cocker spaniel puppies, Ivan and Sadie, from the PAWS Shelter in Chicago. Oprah showed off her new puppies on her show shortly after she brought them home. The blonde chick with the newscaster hair is holding Ivan and Oprah's got Sadie.

Well, I have some sad puppy news, Ivan is now in heaven after he passed away over the weekend. Ivan had that evil doggy disease called PARVO. Sadie is still alive, but is very ill. Oprah has flown in a team of specialists from around the world to treat Sadie. Okay, I lied about the flying them in part, but I'm sure Oprah will not let the Parovirus fuck with her life again!

Oprah released this statement to the Chicago-Sun Times: "I'm saddened by his passing though we only had him for a weekend. I remain hopeful that Sadie will pull through."

And in related news, the PAWS Animal Shelter of Chicago disappeared in a black cloud of smoke late last night.

If Mah Boo Anderson Cooper was in a collar and playing with my ass like it was a chew toy, this would be heaven. And Mah Boo can be as rough as he wants. My ass can take it. It's NASA tested.

The Daily Show aired CNN's Puppedential Debate hosted by Mah Boo. When someone sent me this clip, I went on CNN's website to find the entire debate for America's First Dog. Yes, my brain is officially made of mushed-up Zingers. Now I know what my mom meant when she told everyone that I was a "unique" child. Or maybe she was talking about how I used to wear her pantyhose around the house as a wig.

Anyway, Mah Boo and PUPPIES!!!! Doesn't this make your genitals quiver? Why didn't they sell tickets to this monumental event? I would have had a reason to sniff at Mah Boo's foxhole without getting dragged away by his security....AGAIN.

And I could die with a smile on my b-hole if the Silver Fox pointed at me and said, "Get this bitch off the stage!" Actually, that's probably what he wanted to say while hosting New Year's Eve with Kathy Griffin. I love Mah Boo more than I love my bong.

(Thanks to all you precious souls who sent this to me.)

This is how I will always remember my precious Shiba Inu 6. When I first started watching them, this is what I looked at for hours straight. I was perfectly content just sitting in front of the computer and watching six puppies sleep, fart and occasionally whimper. I wasn't even drunk or high. Okay, I probably was, but still.

Goodbyes make me feel teary in the heart and I don't like feeling emotion like that, so I'll probably just sit in a dark corner and think of the days when the puppies were young and sleepy. So sleepy!

Tonight, Aki and Amaya will leave the real world (aka the internet) to go to their new homes. I know, this close to Christmas. This Christmas, the Shiba Inu 6 gave me heartbreak.

Ayumi will stay and continue to grow and live on the puppy webcam, because the owners are keeping her. I'm not sure if I'll continue to watch, because staring at one dog by itself is like staring at my own. I do enough of that already and frankly, my dog doesn't appreciate it. He invented the "don't you have anything better to do" side-eye.

This isn't goodbye, this is just....well.... I don't know what to say. So I'll just go and booze in the corner to keep from crying..... NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

PUPPIES!! are having the best year ever. Not only have they given us a million hours of entertainment on live feeds, but they have also saved the life of a young boy! PUPPIES!!! 4 President of the World!

This past Friday, a 3-year-old boy wandered away from his babysitter (aka the babysitter drank too much Boones Farm and passed out on the sofa) and left home with two family puppies following behind him. The boy walked into the Virginia woods and went missing for 21-hours. Hundreds of family, friends and officers searched in the 17-degree for the boy.

The boy was finally found on Saturday afternoon sitting near a tree with the two puppies nuzzled against him. The puppies' powerful adorableness kept him alive! His mother told the NYDN, "When I first saw him, he was like, 'Momma, I got cold. I slept in the woods last night. The puppies kept me warm.' He told me that ... the dogs slept up against him. And I'm sure the body heat kept him warm."

The boy also said that the puppies refused to leave him. DUH. They were cold as shit too! And puppies love to nuzzle. That's what they do best.

After he was found, the boy was taken to a nearby hospital for observation. The puppies were taken home and rewarded with food.

You can't count on much in this world, but you can count on a puppy friend to help you in your hour of need. If you're ever down in the gutter, just think of PUPPIES!!! and one or two will magically show up to nuzzle you back to happiness. Or they'll just sniff at your crotch. Either or.

PUPPIES R MY BFs 4EVAH!

Thanks Meghan

We see a lot of celebwhores trying to cover up their faces from the paps for whatever reason. Honestly, it makes them look stupider, but let's not tell them that. Instead, let's cash in on it.

These dumb dumbs will buy anything designer that's really expensive, so we should sell some kind of cardboard box that they put over their head so their face doesn't get papped. Of course, we'll cover the cardboard box in Louis Vuitton leather or some shit so it looks fancy. We'll also personalize the boxes by stitching it with phrases like: "Hi. It's Jennifer Aniston underneath here. Please leave me alone." Because celebwhores still want us to know it's them, but want us to think they want privacy. And if the phrase isn't enough for them, we'll super glue their head shot on the box too. We'll be rich!

And if you're not already asleep from looking at these pictures of Jenny Aniston in L.A., you will be soon, so below I've provided you a lovely lullaby video tribute of our beloved Live Feed Puppies. The video is beautiful, but the song is all wrong. It should be "Goodbye" by the Spice Girls instead.

Now I know why the Boyz II Men song "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye" was written. It was written just so that I could serenade the live feed puppies next week when they leave the interwebs forever (well, almost forever). The owners of the Shiba Inu puppies posted a little note this past weekend saying our children are old enough to start going off to their new homes this weekend. Yes, this fucking weekend. Why don't we have a say in this?

And why do puppies have to grow? WHY?!!!! Obviously, God created puppies, but he did not intend them to become dogs. No, he did not. He wants them to remain puppies forever. Puppies that entertain us 24-hours a day on the internets by licking each other's assholes and biting at each other's eyeballs. The other day, I think I saw one of them commit attempted murder on another one. It was really fucking adorable.

Anyway, here's the little heartbreaking note the owners left:

a few people have been asking about when the pups will start leaving our home. Sorry to say that the first couple pups will likely start going to their new homes next weekend.

Do note that my wife and I *have* decided to keep one of the litter (yay!) so we'll likely have the webcam positioned in different rooms so you can tune in and watch the pup grow. =)

And finally, regarding Ustream... the founders have generously offered to give each of the pups new owners a webcam. While we'd like to thank John and Brad for their offer we would like to point out that acceptance will be up to the decision of each individual owner. There are privacy and other concerns that each owner needs to think about before embarking on such a decision.

The truth of the matter is: I want to see PUPPIES!!! PUPPIES!! PUPPIES! I don't want to see dogs. I have one of those dog things at home and I already stare at him all day. I stare at him so much that lately he gives me the side-eye and then turns around so that his ass is facing me.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with life when they finally leave. I just want to open the window and wail this song:

A new batch of Shiba Inu puppies were recently born and now they have their very own puppy cam. I should be clapping in excitement, but I'm not. It's just not the same. I'm attached to the original ones. I know their personalities, their names, their toys and I've even seen their caretaker's ass crack.

The new Shiba puppy cam just doesn't do it for me. That giraffe blanket thing is fugly and that's an ugly color blue on the fence. See! I'm finding things to complain about!

Anyway, some of you may be into that shit, so click here for it. There's also another puppy cam here and I'm sure fifty more will pop up by the time I post this. But we must never forget the originals. NEVER FORGET!

And can someone remove that cage. It can't be time yet. I'm not prepared! I need to get my Vicodin prescription refilled before this shit happens!

The Live Feed Puppies are growing up! Why does this have to happen?! Why can't somebody give them a cat cookie (puppies love that shit) that will make them puppies forever. Life is disappointing.

The puppies have outgrown their little box and now spend most of the day in their playpen. Because they are getting older, they play more and sleep much less. This is bittersweet. As much as I love watching them bite each other's genitals, chew on each other's ears and suffocate one another while screeching, this means they are going away soon to their new homes.

Apparently, the puppies will only be around for another 3 weeks or so. When the Live Feed Puppies leave our computer screens, the Internet must die! What's the point of it existing anymore?

By the way, I've even come attached to their fucking puppy toys! That carrot is my favorite. OMG! Two of the puppies just attacked another puppy's neck and it's screaming like it's being viciously murdered! Aww. How cute. My no-heart will be even emptier without them.....

If anybody knows the exact date these puppies are leaving our worlds, please hit me up . I need to organize some kind of liveblog/prayer circle for their last moments with us. Why do they have to leave? WHY GOD WHY?!