PUPPIES!

In "I Can't Believe This Shit Didn't Come From The Onion" news, a few One Direction fans have been tweeting death threats to this adorable puppy named Loki. No, Loki isn't Harry Styles' new girlfriend. Those crazy children are wishing death upon this innocent puppy, because Liam Payne bought him with his girlfriend Danielle Peazer. This is some Fatal Attraction shit, which is weird, since most of those crazed One Directioners weren't even a sperm fish when Fatal Attraction came out.

Metro says that shortly after Liam Payne introduced Loki to his 9 million Twitter followers, the hate and death threats started pouring in. A few One Directioners, who obviously didn't get enough spoonfuls of crushed Xanax in their jar of banana baby food, let Liam know that they don't like him raising a puppy with Danielle Peazer, because it means he'll have less time to tweet with them. Here's some death threat tweets to a puppy that'll make you feel really hopeful about our future:

And a couple more:

"I am outraged and appalled fucking Loki the dog! That dog ain’t nothing but the scum on my shoe"

"Let’s kill him! Gun? Knife?"

You know you need to set the parental controls on your child's laptop to MAXIMUM when they tweet death threats at a puppy for stealing their man. They're going to start tweeting death threats to every spoon Liam uses, because he's sticking his tongue on it instead of them.

To paraphrase a quote from prolific philosopher Taylor Swift: There's a special place in hell for people who wish death upon a puppy....and that special place in hell doesn't have WiFi or cell phone service. You're all grounded!

I don't have ovaries (although, I did listen to two Sarah McLachlan albums in a row this weekend, so there's good chance I have some now), but if I did they would've melted and dripped out of my ass as soon as I laid my eyes on these pictures of Tom Hardy and a pit bull puppy in a sweater. Tom cuddled up to his pit bull puppy friend on the set of his new movie Animal Rescue in Brooklyn. I was hungover as hell, but looking at these pictures cleared that shit right up. Looking at Tom Hardy also gave me lipstick and I didn't know I could do that.

These pictures could totally bring world peace. These pictures should be printed on banners and those banners should be flown over North Korea. Kim Jong-un would swoon right out his Dennis Rodman underoos and immediately give up all of North Korea's nuclear weapons. These pictures have the power.

Over the weekend, Suri Cruise found out that the most painful heartbreak comes when your mean ass mother refuses to buy you a puppy friend that you'll give a completely original name to (examples: Fluffy, Whitey, Puppy, Cutie and MIIIIIINE) cuddle with for around two weeks, never take care of and ignore in a few months when it grows into a dog body and is no longer to adorable to child eyes. Katie Holmes took Suri to a pet store in NYC the other day and had one of the store's assistants bring out two puppies, a Frenchie and a Morkie (a half Yorkie, half Maltese). Suri wrapped her tiny heart around the Morkie (probably because it reminded her of her alien Uncle Mork) and begged Katie to buy it for her. The old Katie would've phoned home to headquarters to ask her Scientology handlers if she can bring home a puppy if she gives it a Thetan bath and threatens to expose its deepest, darkest secrets to the tabloids if it defects from the cult of Xenu. But the Katie of today actually makes decisions by herself and she chose to break Suri's heart by not buying the Morkie. I think I speak for Suri when I say: "I HATE YOU FOR THIS, KATIE!"

Katie, is of course, getting some heat for thinking about buying a puppy from a pet store instead of going to a shelter. The North Shore Animal League America used Radar to openly invite Katie and Suri to their shelter to possibly adopt a dog:

“Unfortunately most pet stores are provided their dogs from commercial breeding organizations otherwise known as puppy mills. The breeder parents are not kept in conditions that are acceptable to caring for companion animals. They don’t get the medical care they need. They are overbred and when the dog is no longer able to breed they either sell them to auctions or kill them. If you go to a shelter you’re going to find beautiful, healthy puppies, even purebreds," the spokeswoman says. "Not only that you will also be saving a life. We would love to show Katie the animals we have if she is ready to adopt.”

Katie is a dumb bitch for taking Suri to a pet store in the first place. You know what happens when you take a kid to a pet store? They cry, pout and wish death upon you when you refuse to buy them the only thing they've ever wanted in life. When I'd go to the mall with my mom, she'd purposefully stay away from the area in the mall with the pet store in it, because she really didn't want me to scream at her, "I'm going to kill myself if you don't buy me this $3,000 puppy that probably has the sicks in a major way since it came from a mill!" And that was just last week.

I don't know why Katie's shopping for a puppy anyway. Katie just got rid of a tiny creature who nipped at her ankles, licked its own ass, was barely potty trained and constantly barked at her all the time, and now she wants another one?

Captain America Chris Evans, seen here making a chihuahua empanada with his mom Lisa Evans, told Women's Health all the things a lady needs in order to get down into his chonies on a regular basis. So if Captain America fills your panties with red, white and blue crotch pudding, go through his check list to see if you could be the next Mrs. Evans. (SPOILER ALERT: If you're a brown-headed ho from Boston who's got a string of floss between her teeth, a tear on her cheek from staring at a baby and a puppy in her arms, please step to the front of the line)

1. Finish this sentence: Women don't understand how much men want to. . .
Watch football on Sundays. And I know a lot of women who don't understand that the whole day is going to be dedicated to football. That's all we ask!

2. What might be a surprise to learn about you?
I'm a pretty decent tap dancer. I enjoy all types of dancing, actually. I get a couple of drinks in me and I stand up—it just happens.

3. What qualities make a woman marriage material?
I really like women who get emotional about babies and puppies. I've met some incredibly cool women who are tough, but the woman you marry should have a really soft side.

4. The ultimate turnoff is. . .
Arrogance and fake modesty. Nothing is worse than a beautiful girl fishing for compliments by saying how gross she is. On the flip side, I find genuine humility and modesty attractive.

5. Should girls play hard to get?
Oh God, I hate that! Nope, nope, nope. I just don't like games in general.

Fast Talk

Blonde, brunette, or redhead?
Brunette. No question about it.

The sexiest women always remember to. . .
Floss.

I'd rather _____ than ______.
Be in Boston than Los Angeles.

Relationship must-have?
The love of dogs.

Two things I learned from this post are that the Captain America sequel needs a big tap dancing number and that Chris Evans gets to touch face cheeks with THIS:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Side-eye, tongue out, YES!

Last night with my hot dog and fries dinner, I had an itty bitty, thimble-sized margarita that even Andy Dick wouldn't dignify with a gulp. It was offensive to alcoholics and I'm sure the margaritas at the Smurf's bar are bigger than that shit I drank last night. A flea's cum shot has more liquid than my margarita last night. You get it. Well, my dog must've switched the tequila with roofie syrup again, because this morning I feel like I should have a chalk outline around me. Not many things hurt my feelings, but getting a hangover from one margarita like I'm a teetotaling fetus is one of them. Just shameful and embarrassing to admit.

So that is why I WAS grateful to this precious and beautiful picture of Prince Hot Ginge looking up a pair of puppy nostrils while grabbing at his royal crotch. This fine portrait was taken at a polo match in Ascot, Berkshire yesterday afternoon.

This picture made me want to call in sad to my boss (aka YOU) and ask for the day off ("You get to call people 'dumb bitches" for a living. And you get to do it while lounging on your sofa in dirty sweats! Suckitup and get me a cup of hot roofie nectar, toots!" - You) so that I could bring up this picture on my iPhone and cuddle with it under the covers. I was all ready to do this, but then as I kept going through the pictures I came across one that turned my "awwww" into an "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

Now I know what kind of emotions went through Alicia Silverstone when she watched Cary Elwes get affectionate with his girlfriend in The Crush. That Sienna Miller of puppies is basically daring me to lock it in a dark room with a bunch of bees.

Charlize Theron was there and you don't see her throwing me a "BITCH I GOT YOUR GINGE" look! Who knew that a heartless homewrecker could be so adorable? Let me take a sip of your hot roofie syrup, because my chalk outline needs another coat

And I'm pretty sure that gigantic dog shat out that little dog over there! That little dog has the kind of confusing look on his face that most little dogs make when they fall out of the asses of a gigantic dog. But oh, how I love some gigantic dogs. Especially ones that have the posture of Bea Arthur. But look at that big ass dog. You just want to dress up as Hans Solo and play Star Wars with him (or dress him up like Lamar Odom and play Khloe & Lamar with him). You can throw on a cowboy hat, sit side saddle on his back and wave at everyone. You can seat him at a people table and feed him biscuits while pretending to play poker with him. All the things you can do with a big dog!

That being said, I'll leave walking a gigantic dog to the professionals and those with weak nostrils. You know what happens when you walk a dog. They gift you with special trinkets that will get you a ticket if you don't pick 'em up. And when a gigantic dog goes, you better wrap a Hefty bag around his ass and take 10 steps back without asking "Mother, may I?" Shit is serious.

Oh, and they tell me there's also something called a Rachel Bilson in these pictures. But who cares about her when there's a gigantic dog here!

Even battery acid couldn't rinse the film of YACK left on your eyes from seeing a decomposing sea turtle tongue wrestle with a turnpike hag, but these pictures of Ewan McGregor bike riding with a puppy in his basket might help. They're adorable because: a) there's a puppy in his basket and b) he's dressed like he's about to break into an acoustic version of "Seize the Day!"

I just hope that street is free of pot holes and out-of-control cars. Yeah, I really know how to ruin a cute shit moment.

In an Internet commercial for Agua Inteligente, Jennifer Aniston acts out one of her recurring dreams which features an endless amount of PUPPIES!, fake babies and soft-core hair porn. It really is like an Aniston dream! Puppies that keep your crotch warm and babies that you can turn off with the touch of an ESC button? It's like heaven on Aniston's earth. Although, I'm not sure if the babies in her dreams freak like 6th grades at a spring dance. That's a story for Maddox to leak to the tabloids.

SmartWater's whoring for hits video also features cameos by Keenan Cahill, Brad Wollack and Double Rainbow Dude. I'm guessing that SmartWater couldn't afford Antoine Dodson's minimum appearance fee. I'm also guessing that the Backin' Up Backin' Up Lady refused to participate, because she only drinks water if it's cut with coffee and powdered cream.

via Lainey Gossip

And that adorable dog friend's face is totally saying: "I've gotta Frontline these bitches already." Here's Gollum's second cousins happily frolicking through LAX yesterday as though the paps' cameras were daisies and they were butterflies looking to sip on sweet nectar. But no, you'd cover your troll mug too if you just returned from Middle-earth where you had to crawl through the tundra and make coats out of Hobbit scalps in order to stay warm. Besides, a camera flash is just like the shine from a silver crucifix to the Olsens. It hardens their veins and makes their souls itch.

It's not a big deal, though. Their dog is doing enough posing for all of them. That bitch is a star.

The sporting of event of the year is less than two weeks away and Animal Planet has released its starting line-up featuring hard bitches who aren't afraid to hump a trick on the field or snot on their teammate's fur. You know, just like that other less popular game.

All these damn PUPPIES!!! making PUPPY!!!! faces like they can't to tackle their PUPPY!!! opponents during the PUPPY!!! bowl. You're going to have to save up all your awwwwwws for next Sunday. You'll be awwwwing the entire time. Well, almost the entire time. You'll have to put your awwww on pause when they start sticking their noses in each other's fur holes. Whenever that goes down at the dog park, I just turn around and softly hum a Sade song to give those bitches some ambiance.

Anyway, here's a few pictures of the starting line-up. The rest are at Animal Planet.