Hugh Jackman

This morning, my ass has already posted some pictures of Mel Gibson with a growling beaver on his hand, so naturally I had to follow that up with precious shots of Wolverine carrying two pink My Little Pony babies (insert your own joke about Sarah Jessica Parker's twins here). The two are related somehow. It'll come to me later.

You know, someone has already predicted that Wolverine and My Little Pony would soon meet. They even tattooed their vision on their body:

Miss Cleo must be doing tattoos now. And if that tattoo just gave you a prostate exam while humming a showtune, you are not alone.

Wolverine wasn't only playing with two pink ponies yesterday in Connecticut, he also had a little fun with a pair of misshapen mutant orange balls. I'm guessing that just like me, Hugh has some weird kinky fascination with Carrot Top. Look at how he's holding those things all excited-like! The Wolverine's wolf cave is definitely howling.

Hugh Jackmeoff and Daniel Craig were doing serious acting stuff in their Broadway play A Steady Rain the other night when they were interrupted by someone's annoying ass cell phone. The cell phone kept buzzing away which caused Hugh's succulent ass lips to get twisted. Hugh kept in character as he told the evil doer to shut their cell phone's mouth up. When the cell phone refused to shut up, James Bond finally spoke up, "Can you get that, whoever that is? Can you get it? We can wait, just get the phone."

This is why theater ushers should carry tasers. When a cell phone rings, taser the bitch, drag them out of the theater and go on with the show! Although, I am guilty of forgetting to turn my ringer off during a show (blame the good shit). The best/worst part of the story is that my ring at the time was Khia's "My Neck, My Back." Even in the dark, I could see a dozen shank eyes being thrown my way. It kind of gave me the tingles.

Source VIA Popeater

If Hugh Jackmeoff doesn't flutter about like a precious butterfly princess for a long period of time, his glitter ring will lose its shine and fall off. Nobody wants that, so it's a good thing he has signed on to star in The Greatest Showman on Earth (Working title: Circus of the Glittery Gayz) a movie musical about the life of P.T. Barnum.

Mika is currently in talks to write some pop songs for the movie. And the screenwriter is writing the female lead with Anne Hathaway in mind.

While my fabulous gay gene is twitching at the thought of Hugh doing pirouettes while singing about elephants in feathered headdresses, I feel like the writer needs to tweak things a bit if they want to sell more tickets. First of all, P.T. Barnum should be deathly allergic to shirts. Like if he puts some sort of material over his chest, he will overheat and DIE. Also, P.T. should suffer from a serious case of crotch Tourettes. Throughout the movie, he should randomly thrust his peen and wiggle his man beans. And one last thing, the female lead (who is also allergic to shirts) should be played by Alex Skarsgard in a wig.

Source: Coming Soon

File this under: news that made my nipples pass out. The New York Post (via Playbill) says that Hugh Jackmeoff and Daniel Craig will star in a Broadway play together later this fall. That theater is going to constantly smell like spoiled goat milk, hot dog water and discarded tuna cans.

Hugh and Daniel will both play cops (MY BUTT JUST BLEW UP) in A Steady Rain by playwright Keith Huff. The play is about "two Chicago cops whose friendship is tested by a domestic dispute they encounter in a poor neighborhood."

Okay, what is the title referring to exactly? Does it refer to a pivotal scene where Hugh and Daniel embrace in the rain pant-less? Or maybe it refers to a pivotal scene where Hugh and Daniel embrace in the shower shirtless? Or maybe it refers to a pivotal scene where Hugh and Daniel embrace while one of them is going pee pees?

It doesn't really matter. Just tell me if they will be selling a clean change of panties at the concession stand or if I have to bring my own?

Hugh Jackmeoff is an upstanding citizen of the world! While taking a walk with his grey beard of a wife and his children, Hugh bent over a (a position he is one with) to pick up a little butt nugget left by his heavenly puppy friend. It's nice to know that Hugh isn't above getting a little ass junk on his hands. If I had his fortune, I'd pay Kim Zolciak to do it, because you know that trick needs the extra kibble money for her wig.

And could that puppy be anymore adorable? I just want to hug him into he explodes into a cloud of rainbow dust.

Puppy is giving one of those "sorry, dude" faces, because he knows he's the reason why Hugh is getting his picture taken while picking up doody.

Yesterday in Hollywood, Hugh Jackmeoff got on all fours for a quick minute and afterwards his precious paws were covered in a warm, sticky substance. Usually, Hugh just licks a little off and then jazz dances away into the night. But this time he was getting some kind of plaque he can hang in his walk-in panty closet, so he stuck around. Hugh popped his ass out during the handprint and footprint ceremony at Grauman's Chinese Theater.

You know, this handprint and footprint shit is so damn old-fashioned. Who really cares what these celebwhores' hands are like. The last time I was there, I walked around thinking only one thing, "I wonder how big their penises are?" For real. So they need to stop with this handprint shit and start giving us peenprints! That's what we're all thinking when we're standing over Richard Widmark's footprints. How big is yo dick?

All they had to do was pop in an old Beta video of Liza Minnelli doing jazz hands on Broadway back in the day, so Hugh Jackman could get hard. After that, plop his dick into the cement and let it rest for a bit. Yes, his dick would end up looking like a melted down Twix, but I'm sure he's used to that.

Eff handprints. Viva peenprints!

I'm hoping his year's Oscars will be shirt-optional since Hugh Jackman is hosting it and he suffers from Matthew McConaughy syndrome. The Oscar bitches announced today that Hugh will host the Oscars on February 22nd. The show is usually hosted by people who tell jokes for a living, but they decided that sex sells so they got Hugh instead.

Hugh is actually an excellent choice! As long as he keeps his shirt off, keeps the bow tie on (it is the Oscars after all) and opens the show in an Oscar statue hammock thong, everyone will be pleased. Tommy Girl better keep his hungry no-no under lock and key, because that thing is going to try and eat the host.

Oh and Hugh better recreate this performance he did for the Tony Awards (complete with Carole Bayer Sager's introduction, of course):

Source

As you can see from the big yellow letters above, Hugh Jackman is People's Sexiest Man Alive. And as you can see from my headline, Carrot Top was once again robbed! Why does People Magazine hate carrots so much? Maybe they figured that if they put him on the cover an all-out riot would break out, because bitches would stab each other in the eyes to get a copy. Yeah, that's probably it. He better not get passed up for People's Sexiest Mutant Alive title.

I guess Hugh Jackman is a close second behind Carrot Top. I'm okay with the cover, but it needs more...um...more...nudity. And the cover also should have been Hugh making THIS FACE. Now that shit is sexy.

Hugh said that when his wife found out he was the sexiest man alive, she said, "Obviously, Brad wasn't available this year." Just like Kim from the "Housewives of Atlanta" (see below), Hugh's wife is a vampire who can't see her own reflection in the mirror. If I was her, I would've shouted, "OH YES! You're the sexiest bitch past, present and future. You are hotter than a Wonky's pussy in a convection oven. Please never leave me. Please! Please!" Because the woman should be sucking the cheddar out of his peen for staying with her.

The rest of People's list includes some of the usual suspects:

Daniel Craig - I give this pick two dildo claps!
Jon Hamm - See above and add an extra clap!
Zac Efron - No, but he's a shoo-in for the sexiest pretty princess award!
Robert Buckley - Stop trying to make "Lipstick Jungle" happen!
Blair Underwood - Fuck, fuck yes.
Ed Westwick - See above and add two extra fucks.
Michael Phelps - No. The body is sexy, but the face didn't get the memo.
Blake Shelton - Who?!
Lang Lang - See above and add an extra question mark.
Mark-Paul Gosselaar - Is it 1990 again?
Javier Bardem - My no-no approves!
Robert Pattinson - His magical hair has hypnotized me into approving.
Joshua Jackson - Ew! Gross! Barf!
David Beckham - We get it, Becks is hot. Time to move on....

Click here if you want to see Hugh's interview interview along with pictures and shit.

Cover VIA Cover Awards

I was going through pictures from the Sydney premiere of "Australia" and my mouse immediately skipped over to this beauty and clicked download. It knows what I like, because this stunning creature just made my fucking day!

Her name is Maria Venuti and according to her bio she "is a vivacious personality - and one of great natural warmth and exuberance. Combined with a dynamic singing voice – these traits have made her career as a performer, actor and entertainer highly successful. As one of this country’s leading performers, Maria has played in every major cabaret venue around Australia, New Zealand, the Far East, Japan as well as entertaining our ‘boys’ in the Sinai Desert."

I'm in love. She has everything I look for in a glamorous beauty: serious eyebrow game, butt cleavage and hair that has seen the inside of a Fry Daddy. Yes, I know her make-up looks like it was done by a group of slow clowns while they all jumped on a trampoline together, but the end result is beautiful. She's one to watch.

On the other side of the coin, Hugh Jackman's tragic wife showed up to the premiere looking like a low-rent vintage Phyllis Diller impersonator. She's no Maria Venuti.

At yesterday's "Australia" premiere in Sydney, Nicole Kidman actually held her own umbrella. I didn't know celebwhores were even capable of this. I thought their precious hands were deathly allergic to umbrella handles. Nicky really doesn't even need an umbrella. Her face is already water-proof. When a rain drop hits her Botoxed mug, it immediately bounces off. It could hail all over her ass and she would barely know it. Shit, there could be a Category 7 around Nicky and her face wouldn't feel a damn thing.

During last night's premiere, Nicky also pulled a Saint Angie Jo and said she may want to take a break soon so that she can go off and have more pillow babies. Collect all 4! Nicky said, "I'm in a place in my life where I've had some great opportunities, and I may just choose to have some more children. There's many things I want to do besides act."

Acting? Is that what she calls it? And I love how these dumb bitches basically brag that they have the luxury to stop working while everyone else slaves away in their cubicles, gritting their teeth, trying to make ends meet. Stupid whores. I'm going to tell Nicky exactly what I said to Saint Angie Jo: don't let the door hit you in your Tupperware mug.... Actually, if the door did hit Nicky in the face, it would bounce off its hinges and possibly hit an innocent person. Yeah, crawl out a window instead, Nicky.

Here's Botox's #1 fan with Hugh Jackman at the premiere last night and also with him and her other "Australia" co-star Brandon Walters at a photocall earlier in the day.