Another One Bites The Dust

Anthony Weiner finally closed the Weinergate by announcing he's resigning from the House of Representatives during a press conference this afternoon in Brooklyn. All because he simply sent a trick a picture of his democradick (I'm sorry)! Facebook fucking and webcam dick pictures has claimed another!

And it's a little fitting that this whole mess ended the same way it started: with some ho asking the question, "Are you more than seven inches?" Benjy from The Howard Stern Show heckled Weiner during his speech and shouted shit like "Were you fully erect?" and "Bye bye pervert!" Weiner kept his head up, stayed hard and didn't waver (put your hand down your pants and read that again for a quick jolt).

There was no way Weiner was going to break. Nancy Pelosi already yelled those same exact lines at him in the locker room, so he's used to it by now.

Source: MSNBC via Buzzfeed

The lunar goddess who was plucked out of a celestial blossom by Buzz Aldrin when he visited the moon has filed for divorce from him after 23 years of marriage. TMZ brings us the news that will make the galaxy cry starry tears. They say that Buzz, the second man to walk on the moon, filed papers in Los Angeles yesterday to legally quit Lois Driggs Cannon, the daughter of McDonald's Mr. Tonight and Miss Klingon 1921. We now know the answer to the question: "Can a love between a human astronaut and an exquisite alien deity last forever?" Tell your children.

Buzz blames "irreconcilable differences" on the reason why their fiber optic flower of a marriage blew a fuse and died forever. Buzz says they separated only two days ago.

This just doesn't make sense! Why would Buzz Aldrin walk out on a celestial beauty like Lois?! Why would he choose to not wake up next to a glistening forehead of a moon angel? Yes, it takes Buzz 20 minutes and several coats of lip chap to kiss her from the top of her infinitehead to her lips every morning, but I bet it's the best 20 minutes of his day.

I'm going to choose to believe that Buzz loves Lois so much that he just has to let her go. Like that movie Splash! It broke Buzz's heart to watch Lois stare out the window at her native land with her eyes playing that Klymaxx song. Buzz knew Lois would be happier breaking craters with her forehead on the moon. So he let her fly up, up away and to be with her people. That is the only reasonable explanation for this shit!

Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight light, and the red balloon. Goodnight Buzz and Lois too...

And well, I guess Hugh Hefner's got a new partner in geriatric ho shit.

Maybe the thought of spending the next few years massaging Desitin into Hugh Hefner's taint and softening hard clit for him so it doesn't bruise his gums became too much for Crystal Harris to bear, because she has called off their wedding and has left the Playboy Mansion. Hugh tried to chase after her, but by the time he put on a cardigan under his silk robe, made himself a snack for the trip and told Mary to pull his Hoveround to the front, Crystal was already past the driveway.

TMZ reports that 85-year-old Hugh Hefner was supposed to make 24-year-old Crystal Harris his third wife on Saturday afternoon, but she shot down those plans after the two got into some sort of argument over the phone. Crystal has moved all of her stuff out and has left us all wondering if true love really exists on this planet we call earth?

Did it really take Crystal this long to get to the fine print in the prenup that states if the marriage ends she'll only leave with a handful of confederate coins, vagina nightmares and a geriatric care certificate? This is exactly why Crystal will never be inducted into the Gold Digger Hall of Fame. Sure, the prenup might say she gets a load of cold shit if they get divorced, but that's where hoarding valuables and leaked sex tapes come in. What a fucking embarrassment to gold diggers everywhere! Holly Madison would never! Speaking of Holly...

She's probably going to legally change her name to Crystal Harris right before she tells Hef the wedding is still on. Holly's hoping that Hef won't notice, which he won't. Now that's how a real gold digger does it!

I knew this day would come someday, but I thought it would be in a few months from now when grainy cell phones pictures of Sean Penn doing a line of the bad shit off of a relief worker's thigh in a tent in Haiti would show up on the front page of The News of the World. But nope, today is the day that ScarJo woke up and realized that she was done humping on a water damaged leather duffel bag filled with douche water. Yup, she's done enough leather bag humping to last her a few lifetimes. The details from People:

Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn are no longer dating, a source tells PEOPLE.

Speculation about the pair began after Johansson did not attend the Cannes Film Festival with Penn for his movie The Tree of Life. She has been working on The Avengers in New Mexico, reprising her role of Black Widow from Iron Man 2.

Johansson, 26, and Penn, 50, made headlines when they took a whirlwind trip to Cabo San Lucas after being spotted getting flirty together during a lunch date in Los Angeles.

Spokeswhores for both ScarJo and Sean Penn kept their lips shut about this.

Weren't there a few blind items that insinuated that ScarJo had a case of the BABIES??!!! Either the impossible has happened and a blind item is not true, or ScarJo's going to pull a January Jones. Maybe she'll run back to Ryan Reynolds and tell him that the baby is his. Everything will be candy coated rainbows until ScarJo gives birth to a baby with a German Shepherd face and a hankering for tying hos to chairs. Ryan's eyes will widen, ScarJo will scream and the baby will beat all of them with a bat. If life was Telemundo, that's what would happen.

The reality show curse lives on. Adrianne Curry and Christopher Knight have announced that they are putting their marriage in a bong and smoking that shit up. I guess the surprising allure of waking up next to Christopher Knight's pecs and thinking to yourself "Peter Brady is buff as shit?! Weird!" must wear off after 5 years. Now Adrianne can devote all her time trying to knock Coco off as the titty queen of Twitter. Here's the statement they released to Hollyscoop (via UsWeekly):

“Actor Christopher Knight and his wife, model and television star Adrianne Curry have announced today on their five-year wedding anniversary that they are separating. After starting a relationship with what seemed to be irreconcilable differences, the couple has reached a period where those differences are no longer appreciated. The decision was mutually reached after it became clear to both that some perspective was needed in order to assess their unique union. Not unlike all marriages, work must be put in.

Obvious to both Knight and Curry was that their marriage would require more effort then a garden-variety relationship. They are taking time to see if they want to continue to put in that extraordinary effort. The couple has mutually determined that they are at a place where moving forward will require a step back. They still love one another but need some distance to consider their future.

Both Knight and Curry decided to release this joint announcement today in order to preempt any potential rumors and gossip and ask that their fans and the media respect their privacy during this delicate period.”

Their spokeswhore used a lot of words to say: Watch it all unfold on their new reality show "Brady in the Dark" premiering this Fall!

Seriously, if Adrianne Curry and Christopher Knight don't split up reality TV, did it really happen? Well, in Hollywood the 5th wedding anniversary present is usually divorce papers so they're right on track.

Usually the fairytale romance between a New York gnome and a Ukrainian ogre cannot be, but I had hopes that Hayden Panettiere and Wladmir Klitschko would prove everybody wrong. They didn't. The midget Kimber Henry and the Tom Thumb of Eastern Europe have announced that after two years of using free-standing ladders and a boost from strangers to kiss each other on the mouth, they have ended their relationship. Our only hope that troll and giant relations can last forever now solely lies on the shoulders of the Jolly Green Giant and his bottom ho Little Green Sprout.

The end of their love had nothing to do with the fact that Hayden was sick and tired of checking into a doll hospital to have her internal organs arranged in their correct positions every time she fucked on Wladmir. No, the problem was that while she's flying all over the world as a route marker on the Amazing Race, Wladmir is in Europe, punching bitches in the face for a check. It was never going to work. Miss Lollipop Guild of 2011 gave this statement to People about their break up.

"Even though we've decided splitting up is best for both of us, we have an amazing amount of love and respect for each other and remain very close friends.

Wladmir also released his own paragraph of words: "We had a great time together, but it's not that easy to manage a relationship between two continents. I have a lot of respect for Hayden as a person and as a friend, and I believe we'll keep our friendship even after the separation."

This is a sad one for me. When a hunk of a Ukrainian man can do ass-to-mouth with you without even pulling out, you make it work!

Hayden is obviously not crying over shit, because here she is hanging out with her friends, Pinata Tinkerbell and faceless Mona Lisa, in L.A. yesterday.

Every few months, every major modeling agency in the world sends Leonardo DiCaprio a little "reminder card" letting him know that it's been a while since he stopped by their office to check out all their new models. It's just a little wink. Like most of us do with those annoying reminder notices from our dentists (or the free clinic in my case), Leo throws them into el garbage. But I guess all those reminder notices started to put thoughts into his head because he has split up with Bar Refaeli for the 412,987th time!

Page Six reports that nothing dramatic was the cause of Leo and Bar ending their on-and-off five year long relationship. They're both kind of over it and would rather spend their time doing work shit than doing each other. A source added, "Neither were ready to settle down, and both have busy careers that have been taking them in different directions."

People is also echoing Page Six and confirming with their own source that Leo and Bar are over it.

So if you're a bikini model with at least one Victoria's Secret or Sports Illustrated credit on your resume, submit your application and portfolio to The Leonardo DiCatchaho Agency. Or you can try out for an upcoming season of America's Next Top Model since I'm sure the prize package will include one date with Leonardo.

And will somebody please tell Blake Lively's dumb ass to take her application back, because her little Chanel handbag campaign does not count as bikini modeling. There are rules and regulations that must be followed, Blake!

This is turning out to be the worst week ever for contract couples beards love! Cherub's wings already wilted once when Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas announced their split and now comes the news that Renee Zellweger no longer has the squints for Bradley Cooper. If John Travolta and Kelly Preston announce their divorce this weekend, then it's pretty clear that the ancient art of bearding is on its way into the casket.

A source (aka the intern in Bradley Cooper's publicist's office) tell People that after 2 years together, B.Coop and the test tube baby of Tinkerbell and Lemonhead have moved on to different genitals. This comes after Star Magazine claimed that B.Coop was possibly passing his peen to Jessica Biel and Sandra Bullock. Poor Squinty's probably squinting, puckering and crying so hard that her face turned inside/out. It's going to be like that all weekend, I'm sure. Damn, B.Coop!

Spokeswhores for B.Coop and Squinty pursed their lips and closed their eyes when People asked for a comment.

I used up all my cynical "fake ass relationship" jokes on Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene this week, so I'll simply end this post by saying: GO SEE BRADLEY COOPER'S MOVIE LIMITLESS WHICH HAPPENS TO COME OUT TODAY!

It is a sad day for contract writers, notaries, staples and Xerox machines, because yet another one of their fine works will not get a sequel. Just a day after Joe Jonas' "Don't call me Joe Gaynus (that's a two in one right there)" interview with Details turned all of us into Aunt Bunny for a minute, Page Six is saying that there will be no more staged photo-ops between him and Ashley Greene. In a hotel room somewhere, Joe Jonas is sitting on the edge of the bed and strumming out a song about how an expiration date broke his heart.

A source (aka Ashley Greene's publicist using the email address: imnotashleygreenespublicist@nuuh.never) tells Page Six that Joe and Ashley's completely authentic heterosexual love affair died like the feeling in his legs after wearing skinny jeans for more than 3 hours, because of their busy schedules. Ashley is off shooting Twatlight while Joe is working on his music in L.A.

Ted Casablanca at E! News also thinks that Ashley and Joe's PR stunt relationship is null and void, because they were both spotted solo at the same club a week apart. One witness type says Joe made it clear that he's not with Ashley anymore by doing the Jonas mating dance with a bunch of girls, "He was very flirtatious all night, and if I were Ashley Greene I would not want my boyfriend acting like that towards a bunch of hoes. He had his hands all over this girl's ass saying he couldn't take his eyes off her when she danced."

Are we sure that Joe wasn't hitting on actual garden hoes, because that would make more sense.

Contract writers can lift their weepy faces off of their keyboards, because Ashley isn't the type of fame fucker who is going to let a little thing called "failed negotiations" get in the way of her finding a love affair built for the pages of UsWeekly. I'm sure Ashley has already asked (insert the name of some famous dude with gay rumors on his back) to meet her in the conference room. Wink. Wink.

And in case you're wondering what the Jonas mating dance looks like:

UPDATE: It's confirmed. True love doesn't exist. The world only knows heartbreak. Blah blah blah

As you ice your fist after punching this truly punchable portrait of Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel has hiked up her parts and hit the ho stroll because the bitch is single. UsWeekly has confirmed that Jessica Biel has returned Justin Timberlake's dick in a box for a final time. This is the opposite of surprising for two reasons: a) Justin Timberlake probably screeches like a hyena on helium singing in falsetto when he cums and a bitch can only take so much of that. b) Justin Timberlake is most likely getting in Mila's Kunis. Anyway, here's the joint statement that Jessica and Justin released together:

"Addressing the media speculation regarding Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake’s relationship, we are confirming that they mutually have decided to part ways. The two remain friends and continue to hold the highest level of love and respect for each other."

Hopefully, this means that Justin Timberlake will slip on his Canadian tuxedo and woo Brit Brit Spears back. They're love is written in the stars on the Peter Pan ride at Disneyland. And I really hope that the Jessica Biel "lesbian" rumors go to the next level. Seriously, Jessica Biel and Michelle Rodriguez desperately need to get together in a totally non-lesbian way since they are both non-lesbians. They'd scissor until their pussy bones popped out of their sockets. Yup, MRod so needs to be Jessica's rebound.