Another One Bites The Dust
George Lopez and his wife of 17 years are no more. TMZ, the first stop for all celebrity divorce documents, says that George and Ann haven't been sharing the same bed for a while and they've secretly been working on a settlement. They have a 15-year-old daughter, so they hope to keep things clean.
What's there to discuss exactly? Ann just has to raise one of her perfectly painted brows (her originals brows were lost in her 5th chemical face peel) and demand the chonies off of George's nalgas AND MORE. When George starts to throw a "but" at her, all she has to say it, "But I gave yo a kidney, motherfucker!" If that still doesn't make George hand over the keys to his EVERYTHING, Ann can reload her gun and shoot, "And my kidney helped you fuck a leased whore! Allegedly."
All other arguments are invalid. Ann wins.
Camille Donatacci Grammer, the Club MTV dancer who became one of my gold digging heroes when she married Kelsey Grammer 13 years ago, has filed for divorce today. TMZ reports that the irritable bowel syndrome spokeswoman (she really is) wants primary custody of their two kids as well as child and spousal support. Camille blamed the overused "irreconcilable differences" as the reason why she's shitting out their marriage. Hey, at least she's shitting out something.
This is actually kind of surprising. Camille escorted Kelsey to the Tony Awards a couple of weeks ago (above) and I've never heard any rumors of their marriage being in the toilet. Camille always struck me as a gold digger who is in it for the long haul. You know, the classy kind of gold digger who would rather bring her wheelbarrow to the reading of a will instead of divorce court.
Oh well. If there's a prenup, hopefully Camille melted it down and injected it into her lips so that she can collect as much gold as possible. Nobody wants to live in a world where Camille Grammer isn't always covered in fresh diamonds. The sun will refuse to shine.
And Camille is one of The Real Plastic Housewives of Beverly Hills, so I'm sure we'll see all of this mess go down in front of the cameras.
And just like that, Sandra Bullock's marriage to Vanilla Gorilla has officially been shoved into the exhaust pipe of a speeding bus headed directly for a fully fueled cargo plane. Sandra legally quit Vanilla Gorilla's ass on April 23rd, and TMZ says the two signed papers last week making the divorce final.
Sandra and Vanilla Gorilla both didn't ask for spousal support and he pretty much agreed to leave with what he came in with so it made the divorce process pretty easy. With Sandra's divorce being complete she can now adopt Baby Louis as a single parent.
Maybe it's because we're used to greedy bitches fighting over every cent during a divorce battle, but that felt like it was over in a quick second. It takes Boobshit McGross more time to make her clitoris give the Hitler salute (a popular party trick)! But in Boobshit's defense, it takes her a little while to lift up her clit, because the warts weigh it down so much.
Another relationship that was born in ABC's bowels and pushed out of their asshole has been flushed down the toilet for good. Since the love affair I'm about to start with this Pop Tart sitting next to me will last longer than most Bachelor relationships, this is the direct opposite of surprising. But since pretending is fun, add another drop of butter to your cream cheese bagel (I know how you do) and just tell yourself you're drowning your sorrows in melted fat. I mean, you might as well get something out of this shit.
People confirms that Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi of the most recent season of The Bachelor have quit each other. A spokeswhore didn't give a reason for the break up, but they said this: “Jake and Vienna have split. They appreciate the respect for their privacy at this time.”
When Jake got on one knee and proposed to Vienna Sausage during the season finale of The Bachelor, I punched myself in the face for actually watching that fake shit. And then I figured it would only be a matter of seconds before Vienna Sausage was pawning that ring off in a shop off the highway in Florida somewhere so that she could use the cash to pay for her third nose rotation. While I do think it's a good idea that she sell that shit right away, bitch needs to use that money to fix her jacked-up wonk eyes instead of getting more plastic surgery.
Seriously, the Haylie Duff of Florida looks like an alley mutt with two little hot dogs dangling before her. One eye is trying to focus on the hot dog on the right, and the other is trying to eat up the one on the left. No wonder these two lasted as long as they did. Vienna couldn't clearly see him checking out other pieces of ass.
Rachel Bilson (that girl from The OC) and Hayden Christensen (the worst actor on this side of the Universe) have decided to sit on opposite sides of the table with their lawyers to try and renegotiate their contract. A source tells UsWeekly that Rachel and Hayden, who got engaged last year, are taking what they are calling a "break." Queef. They call it a "break" we call it sitting in a conference room under fluorescent lighting for a few hours.
Rachel and Hayden's spokesbitches didn't comment on this, because I don't think even they give a dick. But at some event on Wednesday night, UsWeekly noticed that Rachel didn't have her ring on. When they asked her about her wedding plans, she said, "No, no plans. No nothing." The same can be said for her career plans too.
The source went on to say that they are going to take a month off from each other and then revisit the relationship. So basically, she's going to revisit putting her lips on a peen that actually gets hard when she touches it, and he's probably going to do the same. That sounds like a good idea.
The Dog Whisperer Cesar Milan is now Cesar M'alone (GONG!), because it turns out his marriage of 16 years was just an illusion (DOUBLE GONG!!). Cesar announced on his website last night that he and his wife Illusion Milan have decided to let go of each other's leashes. My mother already thinks Cesar is gayer than a Pom Pom in a sailor costume, so I'm already preparing my ears for a "SEEE!" Anyfudgepackleader, this is what Cesar wrote on his site:
We are sad to announce that after 16 years of marriage we have decided to file for divorce. The decision was made after much consideration and time. We remain caring friends, and are fully committed to the co-parenting of our two boys.
Maybe Illusion no longer rolled into a calm submissive state after Cesar went "TSST TSST" and poked her in the side? Or maybe Illusion got sick of Cesar putting her on the dog treadmill every time she wanted to do fucky times? Who knows, but these are not the questions you should ask your priest, therapist or dealer this week. You should ask them who in anal gland hell would name their child ILLUSION?! Did Illusion's parents have dreams of her becoming a headlining stripper in Florida or a children's party magician? I can't.
After 14 years of being chained to each other's genitals, Mark-Paul Gosselaar and his wife Lisa Ann Russell have decided to take a hammer to that shit. But at least they'll always have these precious Sears Portrait Studio gems.
Lisa and Mark started dating shortly after they met on the set of Saved by the Bell: The College Years. Lisa played a "sorority girl." They have a 6-year-old son and a 4-year-old daughter together. Mark's spokeswhore issued this shit about their split: "They both remain focused on their family and are jointly committed to their children."
I know you're thinking that Kelly Kapowski should put on her tightest spandex unitard and crimp her hair extra special to get Zack Morris back, but fuck that. Kelly and Zack never belonged together. It's obvious that Zack's Sun-Inned tips only sparkled for AC Slater. Zack + AC = 4Evah. This video knows what I'm talking about:
Al & Tipper Gore, who practically dry humped each other throughout his campaign, have announced that they are going their separate ways after 40 years together. Those of you who had all your money on Hillary putting Bill on the curb first just lost! Politico says that Al and Tipper announced they were quitting each other via this e-mail:
“We are announcing today that after a great deal of thought and discussion, we have decided to separate.
This is very much a mutual and mutually supportive decision that we have made together following a process of long and careful consideration. We ask for respect for our privacy and that of our family, and we do not intend to comment further.”
Tipper was probably sick of lying in bed alone at home while Al was off masturbating all over his whores (aka Global Warming, the Internet, Gaia, etc...). It won't be long before that homewrecking whore Global Warming is on The Insider crying about how she didn't intend to hurt anyone. And don't be surprised when you read about Al's sext messages to Gaia in Life & Style.
The silver lining is that Al Gore can now shake his ass to 2 Live Crew in peace.
People Magazine confirms that 62-year-old Barbara Hershey and 41-year-old Naveen Andrews have ended their relationship after 12 years. Naveen's rep said that they flushed their love down the toilet nearly 6 months ago. Maybe Barbara got a hold of the Lost finale script and she just couldn't condone that ending.
Naveen started greasing up Barbara's thighs with his curls back in 1998. They split up briefly in 2005, and during that time he passed his peen to another woman and knocked her up. Despite the fact that Naveen fathered a love child while they were on a break, the two worked things out and got back together. And now they're done.
Naveen better pull up his panties and back the hell up, because he's about to be attacked by a mob of crazed ladies. A mob led by my mom, because after the Lost finale aired, the first thing she said to me on the phone was, "That Sayid. DAMN!" Yeah, I don't want to know what she meant by that "DAMN" either. I don't EVER want to know. My ears are dead to that "DAMN." Let's not ever speak of that "DAMN" again.
P.S. - It's Sunday, so don't ask me to solve the mystery of what is going on with Barbara Hershey's mouth area. Dimples where there shouldn't be and shit.
Charlotte Church is no longer scrubbing Gavin Henson's hair jizz out of her pillowcases, because The News of the World says they have quit each other after 5 years together. Charlotte and Gavin have two chirruns together and they barely got engaged six weeks ago. Apparently, Charlotte and Gavin are taking their genitals elsewheres, because they can't stop fighting about everything.
This is why we have genitals and mouths. When you're about to spit hate at your piece, just put your mouth on their fuck part instead. Most arguments can be resolved through 69ing. I think I read that in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus or some shit.
Anyways, a source had this to say about Charlotte and Gavin's situation, "Charlotte is very headstrong. In the end, Gav found it too much. He was blaming her for his rugby career stalling. She hated him going out drinking with mates."
For right now, Gavin and Charlotte continue to live together in Wales. Gavin is looking for a place of his own nearby so that they can raise the kids together.
This is sad news, but instead of crying into your Long Island Iced Tea just reminiscence about Charlotte and Gavin's happier times together. And by "reminiscence," I mean lick your fingers and rub your nipples to these old pictures of Gavin.