Another One Bites The Dust
On the back of his tire-less El Camino that's been parked on the front lawn of the Cyrus house for years, Billy Ray Cyrus is using wrappers from his Taco Party Pack to dry the chipmunk tears off of Miley Cyrus' face as she bawls into his moobs. Noah Cyrus has stopped working on the flower girl pole dance she planned to do on the altar and the Piggly Wiggly catering department has stopped catching possums for the reception buffet, because Miley's wedding to Liam Hemsworth is off!
A source tells Page Six that even though Miley screamed on Twitter about how her wedding is still happening, it isn't. The hillbilly wedding of the year isn't off because Liam allegedly got frostbite on his dick from fucking January Jones. The wedding is off, because Miley, a 20-year-old, is partying too hard and Liam doesn't like it. Page Six's sores (Freudian typo and it stays) put it like this:
“Miley and Liam are done; it’s over. She likes to party really hard and can be pretty wild. It became a problem for him. They have broken up before, and are broken up again now. There was drama because she suspected he had a wandering eye. And she recently tweeted a denial that he cheated. While Miley has insisted they are still together, right now they are very, very much apart."
Liam went off to Australia to be with his family and Miley's been running around L.A. without her hitchin' ring on her finger.
Liam just couldn't take Miley's partying ways? Liam's publicist is funny. The chipmunk Draco Malfoy is 20. That's what you do when you're 20. You get a fake ID (or if you're Miley, you just say "I'm Miley, let me in"), you party and you get as many Capital One credit cards as you can and you max them all out at the bar (or if you're Miley, you just use cash). Besides, I too would be deep throating a bong and cleansing my insides with moonshine if my dude was out sticking his tongue in every trick but me.
And if you're in Southern California, you better grab your Snuggie, because the temperatures are going to drop when the home wrecking icicle in a wig that is January Jones cackles into the air after hearing this news.
I guess the love between a fame whore with a face like a melting plastic lion mask and a fellow fame whore who always looks like he's holding in a belch just wasn't meant to be. Adrienne Maloof of The Real Plastic Wives of Beverly Hills and Rod Stewart's son Sean started "dating" in January and now they're over. A source (aka Adrienne's publicist) tells UsWeekly that the ho stroll is a little less gross today, because Adrienne and Sean will no longer be touching tongues in front of the paparazzi.
"They've decided to distance themselves and become friends. Nothing bad happened," a source close to Maloof tells Us. "They're still going to hang out as friends, they enjoy each other's company."
Oh, it happen all the time. A desperate Cowardly Lion wax statue pays a bloated ZZ-lister thousands of dollars a week to be her pretend boyfriend so she can get a little more attention and the producers of her reality shit show will bring her back next season. But when the producers of her reality shit show dump her anyway, she buys him a mid-level Mercedes as a "thanks for trying" gift and sends him on his way. It's practically the new boy-meets-girl story!
We should all be happy that Adrienne and Sean didn't take this stunt all the way by leaking a sex tape, because I don't think I want to know what it feels like to violently vomit as the top layers of my eyeballs burn off.
I can't believe this is the first time I'm noticing this, but Michael Sheen's hair is so luxurious. The top of his head is full of luxurious waves of hair crashing into each other. It almost steals the picture from that woman in the back with the immaculate Moses-parted hairline. Almost. So, the American Carey Mulligan and her puppet humper broke up recently and I guess that put something in the air, because Rachel McAdams and Michael Sheen broke up too. My thoughts are with Rachel McAdams' fingers, because they will never run themselves through the sumptuous forest of locks on Michael Sheen's head again!
UsWeekly says that after 2 years together, Rachel and Michael broke up very recently. They met while doing that Woody Allen movie, they became friends, they humped on each other for a while and now they're over.
Eva Mendes will be walking around L.A. today with a stick of burning sage in her hand, because she knows the Notebook fangirls will be blowing break-up juju her way. They won't be able to unclench their b-holes until Ryan Gosling dumps Eva and reunites with Rachel McAdams, because that's the way it was meant to be.
Whatever, while they blow break-up juju toward Eva, I'll sit here and get lost in Michael Sheen's hair. I bet that when a lice lands on his cheek and makes the epic journey up his 500 mile-long desert of skin forehead and spots his gorgeous hair in the distance, it's like looking at Shangri-La. Perfection.
Today in L.A., Jason Segel is slowly peeling off the picture of Michelle Williams from his iPhone before he dramatically falls into the open arms of one of his puppets. Because UsWeekly says that after dating for about a year, Michelle Williams and Jason Segel broke up earlier this month. You can go ahead and add "Forgetting Sarah Marshall 2" to your Netflix queue right now, because Jason is going to violently type that script out right after he finishes bawling in the arms of one of his puppets.
A source tells UsWeekly that Jason and Michelle's love ended, because she lives in Brooklyn and he lives in Los Angeles, and one can only breathe in so much airplane air before they're like, "Fuck this."
Jason seemed like a first degree clinger and he probably wanted to do it in his puppet room way too often, but I still thought they would last forever in Hollywood time, which is like two years. Oh well, at least Jason has his puppets. They will never leave him! And yeah, you know one of his puppet looks like this.
And here I was thinking that they divorced a long time ago and she was dating one of the dudes from Murder by Numbers. But that was just me confusing them with Sean Penn and Robin Wright.
Josh Brolin and Diane Lane announced today that they are breaking up after being married for 8 years. The rep let UsWeekly know that their split isn't dramatic or ugly or escandaloso (which means that their split was probably dramatic, ugly and escandaloso).
"Diane Lane and Josh Brolin have decided to end their marriage. It was a mutual decision. It is very amicable. It's not ugly, it's just over."
Josh and Diane didn't have any kids together. Josh has two kids with his first wife and Diane has a daughter with her first husband Christopher Lambert.
Josh has been arrested a couple of times for being a drunken mess in public and he was arrested in 2004 for spousal battery. Diane did not press charges and said the whole thing was a misunderstanding.
So lock up your booze cabinets and get ready, because the drunk mess that is Josh Brolin is really going to go wild now that his wedding ring is off. Josh is going guzzle and fuck until he passes out and then he's going to get up and do it all over again. So try not to pass out from shock when you wake up and read the headline: "Police Called To The Plaza Hotel After Josh Brolin Trashes A Room, Lindsay Lohan Found Locked In The Bathroom."
The picture above was taken at the Emmys in September, so you'd think that Ashley Judd's husband Dario Franchitti would've immediately filed papers to legally quit her ass after she forced him to pose next to her while she's got a cone of hair sitting on top of her head. Wearing your hair like that is only okay if you're trying to smuggle a file to a prison inmate or if you're trying to smuggle tiny bottles of booze into a 15-hour-long Emmy ceremony. (That's probably what Ashley is doing here, which explains why Dario is okay with it).
Dario and Ashley didn't file for divorce then (reason. irreconcilable differences over her ugly ass hairstyle), but they're breaking up now. Dario and Ashley issued a statement to People yesterday saying that after 11 years of looking at each other's faces every day, they're sick of looking at each other's faces:
"We have mutually decided to end our marriage. We'll always be family and continue to cherish our relationship based on the special love, integrity, and respect we have always enjoyed."
Ashley and Dario got married in Scotland in 2001 after 2 years of being engaged. And now Ashley has more time to either shoot a sequel to my favorite shit show Eye of the Beholder or plan her run for Senator of Kentucky.
And my thoughts are with Ashley's therapy dog during this highly difficult time.
It's a difficult time, because Ashley's dog no longer gets to lick Dario's glorious furry leech brows first thing in the morning.
Just like my 19-year-old self when my boyfriend at the time dumped me for having a cup of french onion soup with my ex at Mimi's Cafe (he seriously dumped me for having french onion soup with my ex at Mimi's Cafe and that's not code for anything), Lindsay Lohan got on her knees, grabbed onto her lawyer Shawn Holley and desperately cried, "Don't leave meeeeeeeeeee! I'll suck yer dick!" And just like my boyfriend at the time, Shawn Holley kicked that trick off of her and said, "Get the fuck out of here and take your used up asshole with you, you disgusting whore!" And yes, I'm sure that's the exact exit conversation that Shawn Holley and Lindsay Lohan had.
A little over a week ago, Lindsay Lohan hired Mark Heller as her new lawyer and signed a break-up letter that he wrote to Shawn Holley. LiLo claims that she didn't know she was co-signing Shawn's firing and I believe her, because she was probably messed up out of her mind when she put a pen to paper. LiLo begged Shawn to take her back and after she went over the pros (zero) and cons (too many to list) of taking that mess back, she decided that finger banging a garbage disposal would be a better decision than signing on to be LiLo's lawyer again.
A source tells TMZ that Shawn Holley will file the necessary paperwork to be free of the freckled terror forever. LiLo's next court hearing is on January 30th and Shawn hopes to be removed from the case before then. LiLo owes Shawn over $300,000 and Shawn knows that she's not going to see a cent of that, so she's cutting a bitch off while she still can.
I was going to say that LiLo thinking that hiring Mark Heller as her lawyer is a good idea has to be one of the most delusional thoughts she's had in a while, but then I read her tweet about Heath Ledger. (FYI: "Matty" is Heath Ledger's daughter Matilda. I am officially out of CAN'Ts when it comes to LiLo.)
The man who looks like Sam Merlotte after a 10-day meth binge no longer has the key to the attic that Daddy Spears locks Brit Brit in every night, because their engagement is over. Damn you, blind items, for being right sometimes. TMZ, People and Radar all say that when Brit Brit wakes up tomorrow morning with the AM farts, like she does every morning, she won't be able to dutch oven Jason Trawick, because he won't be there. That's the saddest part of all.
TMZ says that Jason's paws have also been ripped off of Brit Brit's checking account, because he's no longer one of her conservators. Brit Brit's lawyers were in court this afternoon to get a judge to make Daddy Spears the sole conservator. I don't even know if Jason is an agent anymore, but Brit Brit recently moved away from his agency to another. Some source says that it was a "friendly" breakup and they're going to stay friends. Radar says that Jason has already moved all of his shit out of Casa de Frapp. Daddy Spears wrote a statement, grabbed Brit Brit's hand, made her sign it and then released it to People:
"Jason and I have decided to call off our engagement. I'll always adore him and we will remain great friends."
And Jason said:
"As this chapter ends for us a new one begins. I love and cherish her and her boys and we will be close forever."
So Brit Brit is single and might be heading to Las Vegas to move her lips and barely wave her arms in a sit down show. I really hope that Brit Brit goes to Vegas and I really hope that Daddy Spears chooses the current adonis of Vegas, Carrot Top, as her next leased fiance. Because Carrot Top will definitely appreciate her deconstructed Cheeto earrings (that's what's on her ears, right?) and I really need to see pictures of her nibbling on his mop after mistaking his hair for curly fries.
PR relationships just aren't built to last anymore. Life & Style says that Taylor Swift is burning the lock of curls that she cut from Harry Styles' mop while he was sleeping, because their 2-month-long international slumber party has come to an end. Life & Style's source says their busy schedules broke them up, but The Daily Mail says that she drew a black X over the part of her Pee Chee folder that had "Mrs. Harry Styles" written on it after they got into a huge fight during their New Year's vacation on Virgin Gorda. If you click on one thing today, please click on this link that will lead you to the picture of Taylor Swift sitting all by her lonesome on a boat. It's the best and it's like Harry dropped her ass on that boat and sent her back to where she came from. Expect the lyric "I knew you were gay when you dropped me on Flying Ray" from Taylor Swift very soon.
The Daily Mail's source says that Taylor and Harry got into a huge fight on the island and she left on January 4th, just three days into their holiday.
"Yes I can confirm they have split up. They were on holiday and had an almighty row. They are two young stars at the top of their game so who knows what will happen in the future."
And that's that. I'm sure that before I even hit publish on this shit, Taylor will have already scheduled a hand-holding photo-op in the apple orchard with a new piece and I really hope that new piece is Justin Bieber. He's perfect for her. He's famous, white, probably can't grow pubes on his own yet and he's the ex-boyfriend of her best friend, so that completely fits in with her junior high school-like love life. And if Taylor gets with Justin, the Beliebers can stop fake cutting themselves over him being a baby stoner and start cutting their Taylor Swift voodoo dolls instead.
For the second time in a year, Zoe Saldana and Bradley Cooper's publicists and lawyers have thrown up their hands and walked out of a conference room with their heads hanging in shame, because they just couldn't come to an agreement and contract negotiations officially broke down. Zoe and B. Coop have broken up forever and they'll probably never sign their names on the same relationship contract AGAIN. First, the Katie Holmes/Jake Gyllenhaal rumors turn out to be a falsity and now this? Beards are having the worst week ever.
Zoe and B. Coop first got together after filming The Words and then they broke up for the first time in March before getting back together in September. And now Page Six says it's completely over. Zoe was supposed to spend Christmastimes in Europe with B. Coop and his family, but she went to Miami instead. A source said this:
“Zoe had planned to spend the holidays with Bradley and his family in Europe. They all were going to Paris, but things didn’t work out between them. Zoe spent New Year’s Eve with friends in Miami.”
So Zoe skipped out on the chance to hear Bradley Cooper order a buttered croissant with an extra foamy latte in panty creaming talk (aka French)? It really IS over. It's not Zoe and Bradley's fault that they didn't get to spend Christmas together. It's CBS Film's fault for releasing The Words on DVD right before Christmas, and because they did that there was no reason for B. Coop and Zoe's relationship to go on any longer. DAMN YOU CBS Films for screwing with holiday love!
P.S. THE WORDS available at your local Redbox NOW!