Another One Bites The Dust

The CW's The Beautiful Life has been taken out back and put down. E! News reports that Mischa Barton's triumphant return to TV was killed after just two episodes. That Ashton Kutcher-produced shit show has the displeasure of being the first death of the new 2009-2010 season. The CW shut down production in NYC today and sent everyone home. Bitch is done.

The show's first episode was watched by only 1.5 million and only 1 million pairs of eyeballs tuned in for the second. Basically, bitches would rather watch a wet turd slowly dry up than watch The Beautiful Life. Actually, I saw the first episode and it was just like watching a wet turd slowly dry up.....but shittier. I mean, it was supposed to be a trashy drama and there was no bitch slapping, man stealing or baby switching. That's not how you do it.

This means that Mischa Barton is out of a job. "Dentists" beware, because Mischa now has time on her hands.

Carrie Prejean will be reporting to the back of the unemployment line tomorrow, because has been fired as Miss California. TMZ says that Donald Trump and the Miss California organization has had it with Miss Tits 4Jesus skipping out on scheduled appearances and not getting permission for non-pageant shit. Donald Trump also added that Carrie has been a total cunt to everyone in the organization except for him. The Donald said, "To me she was the sweetest thing. Everyone else -- she treated like shit."

TMZ also posted a couple of bitchy e-mails Carrie sent to pageant officials. In one e-mail Carrie wrote: "You do not cooperate with me, and you pick and chose [sic] the the [sic] things YOU want me to do. That is not happening anymore. Stop speaking for me. I have MY own voice." And in another e-mail, she really brought on the charm, "Also I was asked to fill in for a dj on a local radio show.. I'll be reading from a show biz script Monday. I am doing this."

Did Carrie go to the Courtney Love School of E-mail Writing?

Anyway, Carrie will be absolutely fine. She'll get a job at Fox News. She'll marry some billionaire. She'll only wear Talbots. And she'll spend her afternoons drinking martinis, snorting crushed up painkillers and slapping the help.

After a few years of marriage, her husband will get caught in a park restroom with some gay hustler. Then Carrie will write a weepy tell-all, star in the Lifetime TV version of her book and never be heard from again. Oh and somewhere in there she'll record a Christian disco album.

I hope I'm at least right about the very last part.

Kelis and Nas are two people I never thought I'd see getting on the Chinatown bus to divorce town, but away they go! Kelis, the chick whose milkshake makes all the boys thirsty or something, has filed for divorce from Nas after about 3 years of being married. Kelis even has a baby friend simmering in her womb. It's due to be released into this cruel world in about 2 months.

In the papers, Kelis is asking for spousal and child support. Also, she wants joint legal and physical custody of their unborn baby.

Kelis states they have only been separated for around two weeks, so maybe this is one of those "If you don't raise the toilet seat when you piss, I'm divorcing your ass" things. He didn't raise the toilet seat, so she dropped the papers off to teach him a lesson. Or maybe he just creeped on another coochie and got caught. Yeah, probably that. All I know is that I will be pouring out a milkshake for them.

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It looks like someone got caught doing lines off of a hooker's nalgas again, because Sean Penn has filed for "legal separation with children" from Robin Wright. Extra (via UsWeekly) says Sean threw his hat back into the divorce ring last Friday. This is the third time they've flirted with divorce.

In December 2007, Sean filed for divorce, but a few days letter he said he was just joking and took it back. A few days later, Robin Wright filed for divorce herself, but in April 2008 they decided to torture themselves some more by trying to make it work and canceled their divorce petition.

When Sean won the Oscar, Robin was sitting there waiting for him to throw her a kiss, but he didn't. Sean didn't thank her and later said he wanted to keep the focus on the movie. And by "keep the focus on the movie," he meant he forgot he was married because he was too busy finger fucking Natalie Portman with his eyes.

Hopefully, it will stick this time. It has to suck sitting at home waiting for your b-hole husband to stumble inside reeking of rancid coke breath and fuck juices. Open your cougar cage, Robin and pounce out! There's a whole lot of dickin' to do!

I've made jokes about how Blohan will soon have to shake her freckled coke bag tittays for an 8-ball and now it looks like she actually might have to. Juggle them chichis for some sugar!

Over the weekend, Blohan went to the opening night of Peepshow, an ass and titty show in Las Vegas starring Scary Spice and Kelly Monaco. Fox News says Blohan was there to meet with the show's creator Jerry Mitchell about possibly replacing Kelly Monaco in three-months. One source said Blohan can't wait, because she really is a triple threat. She's a triple threat alright! Bitch is a master snorter, sucker and blower. Blohan thinks that doing the show will give her theater cred. Yeah, because learning how to do figure eights with nipple tassles while thrusting your pussay bone is really going to convince Broadway producers to cast her as Nora in A Doll's House. Stick that on your resume under "other talents."

The saddest and most hilarious part is that Blohan has to compete against Holly Madison and Brooke Burke for the role! That hurts like a dick after daggering. Next stop: pushing racks of clothes as an extra on The City!

You know, maybe this isn't such a bad idea. I mean, not only is Las Vegas the perfect place for a cokey-brained booze-slut, but one of my idols in life, Nomi Malone, went from truck stop prostitute to titty star and it worked out so well for her. Blohan is totally the new Nomi Malone! "Different places!"

In case your body is still in a sugar shock after devouring a flock of Peeps causing you to be foggy in the brains, this picture was taken in the 80s. That gorgeous Aquanet can next to Mel Gibson is his wife Robyn. Robyn totally needs to be on the receiving end of a Aquanet bukkake again, so she can bring back that totally sexy hair now that she's almost legally single and ready to mingle.

TMZ says Robyn gave her husband of 28 years a special Easter present by filing for divorce! Robyn is about to be free of the lunacy!

In the documents, Robyn blamed the standby excuse "irreconcilable differences" on the reason why she wants to throw her marriage into the fire. Robyn may blame "irreconcilable difference," but fucked-up Mel is totally going to blame Jews.

Robyn could also be swimming in a sea of money soon, because she doesn't have a prenup with Mel. According to California law, Robyn is entitled to half of Mel's multi-million dollar fortune. Robyn wants spousal support, joint custody of their 10-year-old son and attorney fees. They have 7 kids together, but only one is a minor.

TMZ says that the divorce doesn't have much to do with the recent rumor that Mel is doing illegal sexy times with some ho. Their problems started long before that mess.

Oh, I hope Robyn bends Mel Gibson over and butt fucks MILLIONS out of his crazy ass! And I hope she calls him "sugartits" while doing say. Get that money, bitch!

I'll admit that I never watched one second of Guiding Light, but this still hurts, because soap operas aren't supposed to die. They are supposed to live on forever and ever! They are supposed to grow old with that box of baking soda you keep open in the back of your fridge. Seriously, why don't whores throw those out?

CBS announced today that after 72 years, 15 years on radio and 57 on TV, Guiding Light will play its last episode on September 18th. The big whore at CBS didn't give any reason on why Guiding Light was being snuffed out, but you know what they are going to blame it on..... THE ECONOMY! It's everyone's favorite fucking fall guy.

Now that Guiding Light has been taken out back and put down, what does this mean for the others?! Does my precious One Life to Live need to sleep with a shank under its bed, because it might be next? And then when they finish with the soaps, are they going to come for the court shows? NOT THE COURT SHOWS! I don't like where this is going. I will pop a bitch's eye with my teefs if they touch the court shows. That's how I get my daily dose of "smart TV."

And again, I never watched Guiding Light, but I still want to laminate that montage above and use it as a placemat. That's how I know my brain is still stuck in the 2nd grade. It wants to laminate all photo montages!

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MTV can now officially change their name to DumbBitchesGettingDrunkAndActingWhory Television, because TRL, the only show that sort of showed music videos, has been buried. TRL's 2-hour funeral aired last night with performances by Sasha Fierce and the Backstreet Boys. Now where else can you watch 15-seconds of the latest videos and Mimi having a breakdown live on TV? Seriously, TRL was made just so that Mimi could ride the crazy rainbow train in front of all of us.

I'll also miss all the tweens going into seizures from being so close to the Jonas Brothers. When I used to work in the Times Square area, I used to walk down there, grab a pizza slice from Sbarro and watch all the crazy tweens going into seizures over Hilary Duff or fucking whoever. It was better than the zoo!

MTV can continue to show reality shows featuring wasted skanks as long as they leave Vh1 Classics ALONE. They better not even think of touching that shit. Leave Vh1 Classics alooooooneeee.

Below is the Backstreet Oldies performing "I Want It That Way" during last night's finale. I wish the camera people focuses on the crazy fangirls more. And Carson Daly really needs to resurrect and host a new "Tales from the Crypt."