KITTENS

You know, I shouldn't joke, because this is most likely going to be my future too. But instead of a crazy cat lady, I'll be a crazy cat bunny puppy gay. I'm fine with it. Unlike humans, animals gladly leave their shit out in the open for you to deal with.

This is the trailer for a documentary on crazy cat ladies currently making the film festival rounds. It's serious business. I like cats and kittens, but who needs 16 of them?! Besides Jeremy Piven, who wants to open up drawer to find a dozen pussies jumping out at them? Some of these hos needs to trade in a cat or two for a vibrator. When I'm a crazy cat bunny puppy gay, I hope to come back to this post and read that last sentence again so that I can take my own advice!

And we should all take these hot bitches out to a place that doesn't reek of cat piss and tuna vomit for a really strong DRANK.

Project Runway's Kenley Collins, also known as The Pussy Thrower of Brooklyn, was in court today to answer to the charges that she attacked her former fiance, Zac Penley, with her a cat, laptop and apples. Kenley pleaded guilty to one count of disorderly conduct. The judge gave her a $120 fine and said she must stay away from Zac Penley for two whole years.

This means she'll never marry Zac Penley, which means she'll never be Kenley Penley, which means we'll never be able to scream "HAHAHA! Your name is Kenley Penley" at her when she's walking down the street. Sad.

And I think I speak for the pussy she threw when I ask, "Does she have to stay away from the cat too?" Because I'm sure the pussy hasn't slept a wink since the incident! Bitch is too afraid that Kenley's crazy ass will launch him again.

This is a clip of a KITTEH re-enacting me trying to jump through a window after seeing the ice cream truck go by. It happens to me every time and I still keep trying.

FYI: No kittens were broken in the making of this shit.

Yesterday was one of the biggest televised sporting events of the year: Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl V! Some people died from all the excitement. True fact. Halfway through this heart-stopping and tongue-swallowing event, the puppies went off to clean each other's asses with their tongues and that's when it was the kittens turn to entertain. KITTENS!!!! If you thought the Puppy Bowl killed hearts and made ovaries burst, the Kitty Half-Time Show presented by Bissell (um, ok?) was so spectacularly cute that I think I actually felt warm in my heart area. Or maybe that was just the microwaved saltines and Kraft slices talking.

The "other" Bowl also had their own half-time show. It's kind of gives me "the awwws" that they actually thought they could compete with the world famous KITTY Half-Time Extravaganza. But they did try by bringing out The Leader Bruce Springsteen! Or is it The Supervisor? The Assistant Manager? The Boss? I forget.

You know, Bruce gave that shit all he had. He thrust that crotch like a strung out lunch-shift stripper trying to get a dollar so she can make another layaway payment on her crack rock. Seriously, he was all over it.

Now, even though I give Bruce half-a-clap for his Jersey crotch, the furry pussy balls win this shit! They sealed the deal at the 4:50 mark. I mean, one pussy is nibbling on another pussy's ear! It's so fucking cute that I want to eat my own ear off!

Pussy balls are on top and Jersey crotch is on the bottom.

Ever since my heart turned back into ash after the Shiba Inu 6 broke up to focus on their solo careers, a lot of you whores sent me new puppy cams to try and fill the dead hole in my life (STFU if you're thinking what I think you're thinking about the "dead hole" comment).

None of the new puppy cams even came close to making my heart sing again. Well, this morning, my inbox was filled to Videogum's post on a new kitty cam featuring....you guessed it, genius: KITTENS!!!!

I've had it on most of the morning and I can say with complete confidence: this does nothing for me. I kept waiting for Kika, the Shiba Inu mommy, to stroll in for feeding time. And like Videogum pointed out, there's no sound on this kitten cam! How can I fall in love if I can't hear the furry pussy babies meow during their dream times?

For some of you, this may restore your faith in love after you thought it was all lost when the Shiba Inus went away forever. This is why I present this to you.

This is the part of the day where we watch a kitten playing with broccoli. The white cat on the futon is thinking, "That pussy needs help."

Broccoli Kitten has my vote as the opening act on Spaghetti Cat's world tour.

VIA ICanHasCheezeburger

Thanks Hanna

Below is a video of a bunch of furry pussies playing in a laundry basket. Below that are some pictures of Kim KardASSIAN and her HoneyBaked hams on the beach in Miami with one of her sisters and that Kristin bitch from "Laguna Beach."

So which group of pussies are worthy of your attention? I don't think I even need to ask. I'm going to go ahead and declare a landslide winner: KITTENS WIN!

SCORE: Kittens = 1 , Celebwhores = 0