Look Who It Is

Here's Blohan and Paula Abdul making pharmaceutical stocks rise while posing together at Richard Branson's "Rock The Kasbah" party in Los Angeles last night. Later on in the night, the two bonded even more while trying to smoke crushed up Klonopin pills out of a hookah.

Despite Blohan's nails looking like she just spent the past hour scratching out the residue from a crack pipe, she does look a little "better" here. Right? Or maybe I'm getting a contact high from these pictures and she still looks like a sun dried apricot.

We knew them when.....

On last night's The Office, Dwight made the best decision of his life when he covered his succulent titty hocks with the all-powerful Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt! Seriously, they are going places. Don't be surprised if you hear that the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt is starring in the next Twilight movie, or that they are putting out a single with Kanye West, or that they have been seen "canoodling" with Megan Fox (please don't let there be a sex tape). Ah-woooooo!

Those three bitches and that moon are even more magical than I thought. Normally when I see a cell phone clipped to a belt, all the moisture in my eyeballs gets sucked out. But my eyelids didn't even have a seizure when Dwight came out with a cell phone clipped to his belt! It's the magic of the three wolves at work. They better get 3 Emmy awards for this!

Image VIA Mashable

This clip of Roman Polanski getting Chris Hansen-ed on To Catch a Predator has probably already played in your dreams/nightmares last week, it's finally made it's way to YouTube. It's tardy for the party, but it's here. Dreams/Nightmares realized!

And this clip needs more iced tea...

VIA Movieline (Thanks Kevin)

You decide who is the zombie here (SPOILER ALERT: They both are).

Detective La Toya, who is working on a case where she has to go undercover as a slutty majorette, shared a meal with Larry King and his trophy piece at Spago's in Beverly Hills last night. Larry just sat there licking up the dust off of discarded chicken bones while La Toya rattled on about the mysteries of life. Seriously, who knows what they talked about, but nothing good can come of it. And by "nothing good," I mean everything right.

"The Slut Dress" was last seen on the body of Heidi Montag on June 15th. After spending time with that useless twat, it had to marinate in holy water, seek the help of a psychiatrist and shake a crystal meth addiction. Well, it's cleaned up and it's back! Erin Andrews, a sportscaster type, escorted TSD to The Espys last night. It will live on forever.

Expect it to marry a Saudi billionaire, get a ton of plastic surgery, have an affair Gerard Butler, get kicked out of the Middle East, move to Los Angeles and get its own reality show.

Image: Wireimage

Okay, the little girl isn't hers. Jennifer Aniston just hired the girl to make her Wednesday afternoon game of "Play House Times" more real-like. Naw, Jenny is filming that The Baster movie in Brooklyn and I guess the baster worked? Spoiler alert!

Jenny has got the whole mother bear role down. Bitch is disemboweling us with her eyes! I bet she growled at any bitch who dared to come near her and her hired child.

When movie time making was over, they probably had to pry that child out of Jenny's claws using two cranes, Vadge's roidy-cooch and a picture of Maddox winking at the camera. NOT WITHOUT MY BABY FRIEND!

Mimi and Nick Cannon's marriage will turn 1-year-old on April 30th. This is 363 days longer than I thought it would last. I feel like I should lick the crotch of a Hello Kitty doll as punishment.

You know, even if Mimi wanted to get a divorce, she'd have to drag her mantoy's ass with her to the lawyer's office, because he can't let go! The money is on his hands at all times! Gold diggers of the world, this is how it's done.

Here's Mimi and Nick leaving Mr. Chow last night in Beverly Hills. How many dudes does it take to get the unicornie rainbow butt plug princess into a car?! Is homegirl filled with hot air and in danger of floating away? Oh, wait.

Lohan-Noooooooooo! Hasn't the internet been through enough?! I mean, 2 Girls 1 Cup, Cheetah Lady, (don't click on this ---->) 1 Guy 1 Cup (<---don't!), and now Michael Lohan's blog!

Yes, the SamRo hating, penis-necked daddy of HoHan has built his own crackhouse on the internet so that he can "set the record straight." I love how he's trying to make things "straight" while wearing a turtleneck, fancy loafers and a cell phone clipped to his waistband. Very straight.

And in that picture above, why oh why couldn't an out-of-control semi truck driven by his drunk daughter come careening around the corner to knock that cell phone out of his waistband. You know how I feel about that.

Michael Lohan says his new blog is not about HoHan or SamRo. His new blog is about GOD! But if SamRo or HoHan talk about him in the media, he'll use his new blog to trash them right back. It sounds like even Inside Edition got sick of giving this asshole a soap box to rant on, so he's taken his act to the internet.

Here's a small piece from his first post. Remember, his blog is not about his daughter:

What this website will bring to you is the TRUTH! Facts, most of which can and will be cooperated.

I know a lot of people like to “feed the fire" and then hide behind a false name, anonymity or represent themselves as a “source,” a "close friend," or an "insider." But in truth, when it comes down to it, you aren't fooling anyone but yourselves. Instead of looking from the outside in, you need to be looking within first.

It’s easy to point fingers and be judgmental. The hard part is looking in the mirror and judging oneself. So please keep these things in mind, before you comment.

Okay, so here we go...
Today, on TMZ, my darling daughter Lindsay was asked for a comment in response to me saying, "Samantha is on drugs!"

Lindsay’s only response was, “look at him!”

WOW! Linds, how forthright! Let me ask you; was it me who was actually pictured in the train station with a bag full of prescription drugs? Do you see me out partying with Lindsay, my other children or having raging wars with her? Was it me who jumped out of a DJ booth and punched Lindsay when she was with Calum Best? Did I drive Lindsay around for hours in LA until she fell asleep and before I ran low on gas only to call the paps and sell pictures to them? Uh uh!

And he's dragging White Oprah into this! White Oprah better pull out her Hooters Mastercard and purchase WhiteOprah.org so that she can join the Lohan family blog wars.

I'm probably not enjoying Michael's blog as much as I should be, because I'm sober. After downing a few bottles of Bartles & Jaymes, I'll read this shit again and I'll probably give him a standing ovation at the end. I will admit that the Bible verses are a nice touch. His blog is the definition of "fuckery!"

HELL YES! It's the fucking star of my tween wet dreams: Tom Selleck. Yes, I know, my therapist has already talked to me about that point in my life. Anyway, who cares about that! It's Tom Fucking Selleck! One of the only hot pieces who can make genitals explode with just a twitch of his stache. Yes, I also spoke to my therapist about that issue as well. I got it covered.

This is exactly who the paparazzi should be spending their time on! Hopefully, when they were finished with Tom they went off to find Charlene Tilton, Patricia McPherson, Pamela Sue Martin, Ami Foster and Andrea Barber. These are the bitches I want to see more of!

Here's more of Tom actually getting paparazzi attention at LAX yesterday.