Look Who It Is
For the past month, the paparazzi have been wandering the beaches aimlessly, wondering what to do with themselves and every now and again they'd come across a dead seahorse lying on the sand and they'd break down thinking about all the beautiful staged bikini moments they had with LeAnn Rimes. Well, the dark times are over for the paps, because LeAnn is out of that spa/therapy clinic/whatever center and is back out on the ho stroll full time, so it won't be long before she starts texting them with the exact GPS coordinates of where to find her posing in a two piece. You can now close your eyes at night, because LeAnn has been reunited with her two true loves: the paps and bikinis!
Late last month, LeAnn checked into an inpatient, part-time therapy center to deal with stresses that were tearing her falcor nerves apart. There were rumors that LeAnn was dealing with an eating disorder, but most of the rumors claimed that she was stressed out from getting into a Twitter feud with two of her biggest haters. LeAnn called up those two haters and they recorded the conversation and then splattered it all over the internet. LeAnn is now suing their asses for invasion of privacy. The courts have forwarded the case to the vice principal of a junior high school, because he's used to handling stupid mean girl shit like that. And here we are now...
LeAnn tweeted the picture above of her channeling her inner "Catwoman" and then she went to premiere of the Batman Live show in L.A. with Eddie Cibrian and his two kids. I'm not one to give LeAnn compliments, because the last time I pet a horse, the other jealous horses threw me side-eyes and tried to kick me, but she's looking refreshed. All those therapy sessions (chemical peels), group meetings (massages) and time alone (facials) really did her some good. LeAnn is so refreshed that she doesn't even mind that Eddie's stache smells like random coochie fumes.
Someone who doesn't know my ass very well asked me who I thought was the best dressed last night and and my answer was and will always be: WHO CARES! Picking out a pretty dress is easy! It's so easy a MiserAlba can do it. The men and women who really deserves some attention (and heavy amounts of extra chunky shade) are the ones who rolled into a truly busted outfit and bravely smiled through the fugness in front of all the cameras. Because it takes a lot of work to look that fucked up and we should give them the recognition they deserve. So here's my favorite messes from last night in no particular order.
Piper Perabo - The car cover for my mom's old Buick got a second chance at life when Piper used it to make a ball gown that Cinderella would've worn if her Fairy Godmother was a pervert who just wanted to see her nipples. If you were walking through the woods and heard the voice of crazy calling at you from above, and you looked up to find a nekkid ass Sharon Stone caught in a parachute stuck in the trees, she would look just like Piper Perabo. Piper's dress told me that yes, she does acid. And Piper's curious poses told me that yes, she does acid AND Ecstasy.
Melanie Griffith - Okay, Melanie's dress was totally normal, but the scene she gave on the red carpet was a totally different story. The way Antonio Banderas held her up and dragged her across the carpet... The way she kept those sunglasses on.... I really thought it was a Weekend at Bernie's situation until I realized that Melanie probably got a quick glance at Piper's posing and was knocked back by the DRAMA!
Zooey Deschanel - I shouldn't look at the top of a dress and think that my dog's idea of heaven would be scooting across it. AstroTurf for your titties is not the look.
Sarah Michelle Gellar - The worst ad for MiO Water EVER! I'm not sure I wanted to know what it would look like if I was swimming at the bottom of a pond in Smurf Village and looked up just as all the Smurfs started to piss into the water. That being said, I want that dress as my next screensaver.
Lea Michele - We're living in a world where Lea Michele is Beyonce in her own head and we're also living in a world where nobody told her that she looked like a mermaid linebacker from Chernobyl.
Amanda Peet - The good news is that her 1-year-old daughter now has a cribskirt for almost every day of the week.
Jessica Chastain - I KNOW! I can already hear it. Everybody thought Jessica Chastain was the epitome of perfection and is what would grace your eyes if you looked at an angel's pearl necklace under a microscope. But I just looked at Jessica Chastain and saw a really bad Swoosie Kurtz circa 1989 impersonation.
I will say, though, that Jessica is someone you want in her life. When Giuliana Rancic was interviewing Jessica on E!, she loved everything. Jessica said she LOVED Giuliana, was such a fan and has also been dreaming of coming to the Golden Globes ever since she was a little girl. Yes, Jessica is one of those people who loves everything. So she's definitely the person you want to tell when you've just found out you have Gonorrhea. You'd be like, "Jessica, I just got back from the doctor and he told me that being a bareback slut finally caught up with me and I have Gonorrhea now." Jessica would keep a smile on her face and be like, "Gonorrhea?! That's my favorite STD! I love gonorrhea! I'm a huge fan. I'm so happy for you!"
Well, if you cut yourself on St. Angie Jo's shank-like knee cap, you can stick Brad-Aid Pitt over your boo boo to stop the blood from gushing everywhere.
You know, if you were able to bet your entire dildo collection on what color Angie would wear to her premiere, we'd all have more dildos, because we'd all bet that she'd show up wearing the color of our hearts. It's pretty much a given that St. Morticia will always hit the red carpet in bone-to-bone black. She didn't disappoint at the Kung Fu Panda premiere in L.A. earlier this morning when she wore an outfit that's usually seen on a Benihana hostess in mourning. But Brad Pitt stole the shine from her by dressing like a human skid mark. The only way Brad's ensemble could be more perfect if it was in velour and he was wearing it on a Segway while whistling at the honeys in a park in Boca. An outfit like that should come with a cigar and a bag of chewy candies.
And believe it or not, Brangie weren't the only ones at the Kung Fu Panda premiere. I KNOW! There were others! Others like Jack Black, Marcia Gay Harden (who showed Angie up in a major way), Lucy Liu, Dustin Hoffman and James Hong.
Sometimes it's hard seeing our Internet treasures fall out of the box and begin their long crawl down the ho stroll of life until the road runs out and they fall into a chair at the unemployment office (or into a Vh1 reality show). You just want them to stay in the nest with you forever and ever, but you know that you're the one who taught them how to strut their asses so you know it's only a matter of time before they start thrusting on that whore called fame. I know this, but it still scratches at my already bruised and battered soul a bit to see our precious Antoine Dodson posing like a common dirty spotlight fucker at Millions of Famemilkers in West Hollywood, CA last night. "Can I have one Bed Intruder Shake please? Don't hide yo whipped cream and don't hide yo nuts." - Me eventually ordering that mess.
You know that "spittin' up the cream" move the golden baby giraffe is doing in the picture above? Aubrey O'Day has done that same one! Why do I cry? But seriously, I'd rather have Antoine than Parasite Hilton, the Kardassians, Spencer Twatt and The Situation, so I'll gladly hold his luscious mane back while he keeps fucking that chicken. Like this:
The only thing I ask is that Antoine stop spending his hard-whored money on clothes that make him look like he just fell out of a 2020 episode of Where Are They Now: Willow Smith. That includes those bike chain sunglasses, Antoine!
Fuck the evil salesperson at Anchorblue who sold Pat "hookers and coke" O'Brien every single item from their "Mid-Life Crisis Collection" so that he could fit in with the "hip kids" at Coachella.
Bitch looks like SamRo down to the fiery pubic landing strip over his mouth. The cell phone strapped to his waistband is just the dehydrated cherry on this Viagra sundae. I bet he's wearing a cock ring too... WHY?!!!!?
That poor little girl saw Reese Witherspoon holding hands with a grow-man wearing flip-flops with long pants, and figured it was Jakey Poo. So she ran over to hand Jakey a pink umbrella, because she knows he loves nothing more than to prance around his backyard with a ruffle parasol in his hand (who doesn't?). The little girl felt a wave of disappointment hit her when she got up close and realized it wasn't Jakey. It's Reese's new piece Jim Toth! DAMN JIM for tricking that little girl by wearing man flops with pants.
Reese and her new hand-holding partner spent the weekend in Ojai, CA to celebrate her birthday. They've been dating for a few weeks, but this is one of the first times they've been photographed together.
Hopefully, Reese has finally found someone that can blow into her hot box without giggling. Although, I do spy a few glitter flakes wafting off of Jim. It's probably nothing. Reese just likes her men the same way she likes her tea: WITH EXTRA HONAAAY!
Fishsticks Paltrow slipped on a custom coat (made out of Chris Martin's testicle hair) to take a stroll to see how construction is coming along on her massive 33-room Casa De Poop in London. Fishy was escorted by Gary Lightbody, the lead singer of Snow Patrol. Gary is kind of like Chris Martin, but with less cuntness.
I'm sure the tabloids are going to dry hump all over these pictures and declare that Fishsticks has replaced her husband with Gary. But I doubt anything is going on here. I'm sure Gary just came over so Fishsticks could help him lose his "batwings" and give him a cucumber/cayenne enema (or whatever the fuck she's into these days). Strictly GOOP business. So if you see Gary on the street with a leaky butt, it's just his dignity seeping out from spending time with Fishsticks.
With that said, you know Fishsticks gets hard when thinking about what her full name would be if she married Gary. Gwyneth Lightbody. Ugh. That's a yoga pose, right?
UPDATE: That's not Gary Lightbody with her, but Gwyneth Paltrow still wishes her full name was Gwyneth Lightbody. That is all.
Ever since Amy Wino packed up her meth lab and moved out of Camden, the neighborhood just isn't the same. It no longer reeks of burnt scabs, feline feces, Blaaaake's spit jar, crack water, urinal cakes, and low tide at The Hoff's toilet. And the roosters (aka the dealers) stopped crowing on the corner every morning.
Well, the residents of Camden better bring out their masks, ear plugs and cans of RAID again, because Amy Wino is returning to her old snorting grounds. There blows the neighborhood.....the sequel.
The Sun says that Wino is reaching into her crackhive to pull out £2.5 million to pay for a new crack den of crackery. Wino's new place has 5 bedrooms, 5 bathrooms, a sauna and a gym. A source added, "Amy has been house-hunting for months and finally found somewhere that meets all her needs. It is large and homely and has everything."
Here's a few pictures of Wino sashaying through her old new neighborhood of Camden last night. As Wino came through, carbon monoxide detectors went off, roaches scattered everywhere and several "HOUSE FOR SALE" signs immediately went up. Aww, it's good to have her back.
Usually when Jon Voight calls St. Angie on the phone she immediately makes Maddox get rid of him by doing his best impersonation of my abuelita trying to get the bill collectors off her ass: "Hola? No hablo the Inglés. Wrong numero. Lagarte!" Click.
But I guess St. Angie finally decided to take the call and invite Daddy Voight over to Venice, Italy to spend time with the family today. If she must.
And Jon made sure to smile real purdy-like for the cameras. He's giving us one of those politician smiles (aka the devil chewing on your soul). And "Shakira" (that's Zahara to everybody but Jon) made sure to throw Jon a "don't try it" side-eye.
Here's Blohan and Paula Abdul making pharmaceutical stocks rise while posing together at Richard Branson's "Rock The Kasbah" party in Los Angeles last night. Later on in the night, the two bonded even more while trying to smoke crushed up Klonopin pills out of a hookah.
Despite Blohan's nails looking like she just spent the past hour scratching out the residue from a crack pipe, she does look a little "better" here. Right? Or maybe I'm getting a contact high from these pictures and she still looks like a sun dried apricot.