Damn Maya Rudolph for not bringing out her Nippy impersonation last night. That was one of the only reasons why I kept my eyelids propped up and didn't allow myself to fall into a red wine/fried pancakes induced coma at the foot of my bed last night. Maybe Maya thought it was sort of kind of disrespectful to do Whitney on the same day as the funeral, but she could've at least let out a "hussy" or two as Cousin Dionne. Oh well, but Maya did do Beyonce on SNL last night and Justin Timberlake (who should really quit movies for good and join the SNL cast full-time) did his best Bon Iver. Strangely enough, Justin's Bon Iver impression is also a spot-on impression of my old high school world history teacher who decorated the back seat of his Tercel with stuffed animals and ate toothpaste instead of chewing gum because it's cheaper.
In other SNL news, in two weeks, a freckled train full of drunk fuckery will crash into 30 Rock when Lindsay Lohan hosts on March 3rd. Don't ask me what LiLo is even promoting. The sea jasper industry? A new super strain of herp? Collagen? Bitch's performances in the court room aside, LiLo hasn't acted in like years and now she's doing live TV for 90 minutes? It's either going to be a mess or a MEGA mess. But you know, LiLo was kind of funny the last time she did SNL, so maybe she can do it again? Or maybe this is a cross over episode between SNL and Intervention and it's Lorne Michaels way of luring her ass into the arms of Candy Finnigan. Let's hope.
Darrell Hammond took me higher with his Sean Connery act on Saturday Night Live, and apparently backstage he was taking himself higher with massive amounts of Lohan powder and whole bottles of Remy. Darrell writes in his autobiography, God, If You're Not Up There, I'm F*cked, that during his SNL days he was a complete stumbling train wreck that couldn't go in front of the cameras unless his mouth crashed into a bottle of cognac. So this is why his Donald Trump impersonation was so perfectly spot-on! This is also why White Oprah just searched "SNL cast member position" on Monster.com
Page Six says that Darrell writes in his memoirs that the fucked up childhood memories that traumatized his brain caused him to find escape in a mountain of coke and at the bottom of a booze bottle. Darrell's desk at work was stocked with Remy and he downed that shit until it "calmed my nerves and quieted the disturbing images that sprang into my head ... when drinking didn’t work, I cut myself.” In the late 90s, Darrell had a mental breakdown at NBC and he had to be wheeled away in a straitjacket to a hospital. When the 2000s began, cocaine started making an appearance during his booze binges and he "had to be creative about how I did it without other people catching on or letting it interfere with the work. At least too much.” One time in 2009, Darrell ended up smoking crack in a Harlem crack house. I can't throw judgmental shade at him for this since I'd probably do the same thing if I had to be Donald Trump for a few minutes every week.
Darrell says he's all cleaned up now thanks to months and months of rehab.
Yeah, I've already seen the public service announcement that says 98.99999% of people who make HAHAHAHAs for a living are knife fighting their demons with broken pieces of crack pipe glass, but this does explain a lot. It finally answers the question, "Why the fuck would you agree to do Agent Cody Banks?"
Justin Timberlake on SNL is figuratively easier to swallow than Justin Timberlake NOT on SNL so I found him pretty entertaining last night. The slight shade thrown at Chris Kirkpatrick? The Liquorville sketch (which was a win for me since it starred giant bottles of booze)? That shit worked for me. And then Justin and Andy Samberg brought out their Color Me Vanilli characters to have a threesome with Lady Caca in the Digital Short.
They kept cooing out some shit like "It's not gay, if it's in a three-way," but I holehardonly disagree. I've been in some three-ways that were pretty damn gay. (FYI: I'm talking about the time my friends J.R., Scott and I played pastel Twister while getting drunk on Strawberry Hill daiquiris and listening to the Romy & Michele soundtrack. Okay, mom!)
In this shit, Caca sort of looks like a young Grandma Addams in a late night commercial for a 1980s singles chat line, so obviously I feel like this is her hottest look yet and she should definitely keep it. But she didn't and she won't. For her performance of Born This Way, bitch was back to her old HIGH-ART tricks. Caca strapped a Hefty bag ball to her body before breaking glitter all over an S&M delivery table. This is pretty much shot-for-shot what it looked like when John Travolta birthed out Baby Benjamin.
And here's Skunkdonna waving to her fans at the SNL after-party.
On last night's SNL, Jon Hamm, Jimmy Fallon, Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert and Ed Helms brought The Ambiguously Gay Duo cartoon to life. One of my IM friend (an IM friend is a friend you only communicate with on IM even though you live like down the street from them) used one of those devil emoticons to throw shit at me about laughing at something that's homophobic, dated and not funny.
But, but, but what about satire?! And the giant real-life dick mobile?! And dry butt sex moves? And Jimmy Fallon's whacked head game on a serpent? And what about Jon Hamm in tights. I repeat, JON HAMM IN TIGHTS! Aren't all arguments immediately made invalid when Jon Hamm gets into tights?! And that's when IM friend called me the name I'll use for the title of my pop-up illustrated memoirs: BAD GAY!
Lindsay Lohan will make fun of her own situation if it gets her an extra 5 minutes of relevancy and/or a money order made out to cash. But if anybody else uses the Lohan name in a joke, LiLo digs the built-up bronzer that usually clogs up her tear ducts and starts weeping out a dry ravine of fraudulent sad drops over it. When oh when is the world going to realize that the Lohans are in the same company as kittens with cleft palates, Carol Channing and toddlers in tiny wheelchairs (aka things we don't make fun of)!!! Lorne Michaels learned this very lesson when he received an e-mail from Lindsay Lohan after Miley Cyrus made fun of her on SNL. Lorne should make Seth Meyers read it during Weekend Update next week, because it will probably get the biggest laugh.
A source has let TMZ know that LiLo has always considered Lorne a friend, mentor and father figure, so she was more than upset that he gave the greenlight for their public mocking of her. Lorne hasn't hit the "reply" button yet, apparently.
Whatever happened to the LiLo who put her internal anger and pain into writing riveting rock ballads like "Confessions of a Broken Heart"? She's like a bawling baby who smells like expired collagen and Red Bull urine. The LiLo of today is constantly butt hurt for absolutely no reason. Who wants to be butt hurt without having butt sex? That's no fun. I swear, this WAH WAH WAH bitch is crying at everything. I bet when she watches "It Gets Better" videos, she thinks they are talking to her.
Cry me a river, ho! No, seriously, please do, because that river is probably 100 proof. Get your cups out!
On last night's SNL, Miley Cyrus dragged it up to play Justin Bieber on The Miley Cyrus Show. Yes, this is the reason why the malls are empty, the movie theaters are bare and not one tween screech be heard on the streets. Millions of tweens are in the corner of their closets shaking and crying because their hormones are in a state of paralyzed confusion right now. They don't know whether they want to hump a pillow, come out to their parents or send a death Tweet to a fake Miley Cyrus Twitter account. Clip below:
But really, even though Miley's got Justin's Canadian gangster moves down, bitch looks nothing like him! They should've put a baby mask over her face instead of letting her go out with a Kardashian load of face paint. The Lesbeaver isn't Zac Efron! Ho looks like a butch Chipette or like a beaver dressed up as Mrs. Brady. I just hope Justin Bieber doesn't drop Pedolenza Gomez to date Miley Cyrus as Justin Bieber. That would be some "yodel for the four horsemen" shit.
And if you need more of Miley on SNL, all the clips are here. Maybe it's because hangovers make me vulnerable, but I thought the show wasn't totally terrible! Miley is as irritating as an ingrown pubic hair, but the bitch sort of pulled it off.
On last night's SNL, three Bergs collided when Jesse Eisenberg and Andy Sandberg, who both play Crackbook founder Mark Zuckerberg, starred in a skit with the object of their imitation. SO MANY BERGS! I just want to splash blue cheese dressing and bacon bits on all of 'em.
For someone who spends most of his time in front of a computer screen and can't complete a point without hitting ENTER (this is coming from a bitch who spends of his time in front of a computer screen and can't complete a point without hitting ENTER), Mark did good. The the whole thing was about as awkward as a computer nerd circle jerk, but I guess that's the point.
And of course, the most important question is, which Zuckerberg would you hit (or should I say poke)? The obvious choice might be Andy Samberg's ass, but remember the gold digger's golden rule: GOLD BEFORE BEAUTY! Yes, let's all go with the original Zuckberg, because he probably cums stocks.
The deal is done and Betty White will host Saturday Night Live on May 8th! The internet can celebrity their victory for like the fifth or fiftieth time. Yeah, I know the news of Betty White hosting SNL has been announced a zillion times before, but now we have an actual date. This gives you about 2-months to put together your viewing outfit. Grab a taser gun and slip on a bullet-proof vest before you go to Chico's for your ensemble, because the store is going to look like this. Every gay who was a kid in the 80s is going to be looking for that one perfect floral pantsuit to wear while breathing in Betty's brilliance.
Unfortunately, Betty isn't going to handle that bitch by herself, even though we know she can. Betty will have back-up. WNBC (via People) says that the special Mother's Day episode will also feature Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch, Molly Shannon, Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler. Technically, Betty doesn't have any kids, but Lorne Michael said: "She's the mother of us all in comedy."
So now we can all DRINK TO THAT all over again! Sandra Lee is once again celebrating this "sweet treat" news with us.
I know it looks like drunk ass Sandra Lee is desperately trying to hold down a tidal wave of vomit shooting up her throat, but that's actually her "I'm So Excited" face.
And here's Betty White strolling through Beverly Hills yesterday after getting vagazzled.
In case you missed it, here's the Twilight parody that aired on Saturday Night Live last night starring Taylor Swift and Bill Hader (who became one with RPattz's "I'm trying to take a poo through my peen hole" face)
Taylor isn't about to win an Oscar for triumphing as Lady Macbeth anytime soon, but that's why she almost nailed Kristen Stewart as Bella. Well, in order to completely perfect her impersonation of Bella, Taylor would've needed to get a lobotomy with a cardboard box, but she still mastered Kristen's lip chewing and hair tucking. For real, how is it possible that Kristen's lip doesn't look like it just finished a make-out session with piranha.
And Kanye West wasn't able to let go of his CAPS LOCK key long enough to make a cameo last night, but he did come up in Taylor's opening monologue song. Here's that shit below:
Who is Kanye West going to blame for his truly ass-cheek-clenching performance on SNL last night? This shit was first degree murder on my ear drums.
His microphone probably forged a fake passport last night after this shit, so it could flee the country this morning, because it knows Kanye is coming after it. After Kanye tracks down his mic and screams at it for a good twelve hours straight, he's going to file a multi-zillion dollar lawsuit against the Auto-Tune bitches for trying to take him down. And finally, Kanye's going to order his vocal cords into the corner for a time out, because they quit his ass several times during this song. His vocal cords could use a fucking time out, so this isn't a bad idea.
The voice of this generation kind of sounds like me with four hangovers and a sore throat (too much peen blowing) singing in the bath tub while trying hard to make a pee fountain.
That being said, I love Kanye's choice of screensaver for a backdrop! Above is Kanye performing Love Lockdown and below is him doing Heartless. I thoroughly enjoyed the Pinocchio shit!