Real Housewives Shit

The season finale of The Really Plastic Housewives of Orange County turned out to be a reunion of all the past whores. Two bitches whose names I have already forgotten showed up at the final party as did Jo. Jo was the trick who moved to Los Angeles and got her own Bravo reality show with Slade which tanked. Jo is now pursuing a music career. If that shit doesn't work out, she should move to Thailand to become a ladyboy. Who told her those bangs were a good idea? Most of the time, bangs like that make you look like you have a dick.

Speaking of dicks, Slade showed up wearing slacks with white flip-flops. This prompted Miss Manners aka Tamra to say, "He looks like a homo." She had a point, but bitch was also standing next to her husband who was wearing a shiny fuchsia shirt! You know she picked that mess out, too so who is she calling a butt fucker?

The rest of the party played out like The Price is Right. I know this was shot before the country's money caught on fire, but still! It was fucking ridiculous. Each housewife one after the other kept showing off their new crap. I felt like I had to guess the cost of each gift before the price was revealed to me. When the camera panned to Lynne's fake titty balls, I expected the words "still making payments" to pop on the screen.

Anyway, Tamra's husband bought her some $35,000 diamond bracelet and gave it to her at the party. You know that shit just came off layaway from the Jewelry Exchange in Tustin. $35,000 my ass! It's not like Tamra would know the difference and her husband knows it.

Next up was Droopy Vicki who proudly showed off the Rolex she bought. She made sure every ho at the party knew that she bought it herself! That way everyone knows her husband can't fill her "love tank" or even buy her a measly Rolex. I hope that shit turns her wrist green.

Lynne didn't get anything. I was hoping someone would buy her a clue and maybe some moisturizer. But that didn't happen.

Finally, Gretchen's sugar papa je'e couldn't make the fun and games, because he was too sick. In his absence, he had a red Harley set up in the parking lot as a surprise gift for Gretchen.

Gretchen did her usual gold digger scream when they unveiled the gift to her and then asked the other whores to come see her gift. Tamra and Vicki weren't having that shit. Vicki thought it was stupid how Gretchen is such a spotlight whore. Vicki wasn't even charmed when Gretchen got all the girls a Coach wallet (that she probably bought from the trunk of a car in an alley way). Vicki chirped that she didn't get the e-mail that they all had to bring gifts! We know Vicki hates HATES Gretchen. Why does she have to keep reminding us? Even if Gretchen wet queefed a laptop computer with unlimited battery power and universal internet access, Vicki would still want to kick her in the bagina bone.

Below is a clip of the whole Harley drama. Tamra even says that she doubts Gretchen and her sugar dude are a real couple and that he's probably just paying her to look after his sick ass. Well, a week after the party, sugar daddy Jeff passed away. Does this mean next season is going to feature a court battle between Gretchen and Jeff's kids? Or maybe Gretchen will shack up with homo Slade (if the rumors are true). All I know is that I hope the truth is revealed about Lynne next season. The truth being that she's really Steven Tyler.

It was business as usual on last night's Really Plastic Housewives of Orange County. Jeana and her hairy gay escorted her daughter to Berkley and gaped at the "bummers." Gretchen went on another vacation to get away from all "the stress" she's suffering due to her sick sugar pepaw. And Lynne continued to be the dumbest piece of greasy beef jerky in the county.

As for Droopy Dog's doppleganger, she hosted a cruise for her new company called L.I.F.E. with Vicki. HA. It REALLY stands for lunatic in fugly earrings.

Vicki's cruise was basically a nightmare at sea. It was 8 hours in an ugly cruise ship conference room with Vicki talking about how she became a huge success by selling life insurance. Yeah, bitch is the Ron Popeil of the dead money business. I'm surprised the boat didn't fucking sink from her one hundred ton ego. The next time that bitch has a cruise, I am totally there. Not because I actually care about life insurance, but because getting drunk and watching Vicki possibly eat the floor will make my life's dream come true.

The fifth housewife, Tamra, traveled to Iowa with her rapey-eyed son to visit her estranged daddy. Tamra really brought out the raw emotion while bonding with her daddy, but unfortunately for her, the spotlight was stolen by Cousin Nancy. This bitch is so fucking sophisticated that I could smell Kools and White Shoulders wafting off of her and through my screen. Somehow, Cousin Nancy was able to pry herself away from her usual hooking spot at the truck stop to join everyone for dinner. Rapey Ryan immediately attached himself to her. He was practically dropping GHB into her mouth with his eyes. And she was dropping them right back.

Ryan knew he was no match for Cousin Nancy in the creepy as fuck department when she told him she had a mouse. When they couldn't find it, she grinned and said, "pussy must have ate it." Signed, sealed, delivered! Throw this bitch on the back of a semi-truck headed for the O.C. This fine lady neeeeeeds to be the next housewife. Seriously, if only you could bottle elegance like this. Clip below:

Before last night's episode of The Really Plastic Housewives of Orange (like their skin) County, I only knew Lynne as the genius creator of Cuff Love, the accessory that will soon take the fashion world by storm, and I also knew she had the skin of a rotisserie chicken. But I didn't know she also had the brains of a chicken. A fried chicken to be exact. A severely fried chicken to be exactly exact.

On last night's episode, the hags all packed their favorite slinky tops held by jewels (THEY ALL WEAR THOSE THINGS) and headed to Las Vegas. During a poker game and dinner, we learned that Lynne is....how do I put this delicately....um...she's a dumb fuck. Yup, the sun not only fried her skin, but it also fried her brains. Here's a couple examples:

This is Lynne at dinner: "What can you put horseradish on if you're a vegetarian?" You know she thought horseradish was made out of ponies. The waiter should have told her that vegetarians can eat horseradish on a big juicy steak. She totally would've fallen for it.

Lynne also has no idea if she has air conditioning in her house or not. It's obvious that Lynne doesn't have AC in her head house, because that shit up there is baked. She knows it. But how can you not know if you have AC in your actual house or not?! But this is Lynne we're talking about. Her body is always a toasty 85 degrees Fahrenheit. AC or not. Her burnt up skin always keeps her warm.

Now, let's take a break from big brained Lynne and talk about Gretchen for a quick second. Am I the only one bothered by the fact that the bitch is always complaining about how much stress she's under from taking care of her ailing sugar daddy? What fucking stress is she speaking of? The man comes back from the hospital and she jets off to Vegas to flirt with dick bags! And when she's not doing that, she's getting tanked at dinner parties or living it up at Lake Havasu. She's always saying shit like, "I just have to get away." Bitch is always getting away! If I hear her complain on the show about "going through so much" one more time, I'm going to slap her in the head and peel a really big apple using her jumbo ass teeths.

Okay, back to Lynne. Please go pour yourself a dirty martini with THREE blue cheese stuffed olives (Vicki's siggy drink) and watch the clip below of Lynne busting a move. Why does she dance like a horny gorilla trying to butt fuck himself with a ripe banana using no hands? And also, I'm pretty sure only dudes with blurry faces hit on Droopy Vicki.

This is Jeana's son Shane without his shirt on. This is the only way Shane should go through life: topless with his mouth closed. Because when he opens his mouth, his hotness melts into a giant puddle of chunky diarrhea full of corn bits.

On last night's The Really Plastic Housewives of Orange County, Jeana and Vicki traveled to Illinois to watch Grouchy McPoopypants play minor league baseball. While they were driving to the game, Shane texted Jeana to not come because he wasn't playing. Well, his exact words were: "Stay the fuck away from here." Instead of playing minor league baseball, he was clearly playing a game of major league douchebaggery.

Jeana showed up anyway and Shane greeted his lovely mother by saying, "Get the fuck away from me!" Surprisingly, Jeana didn't respond to that by throwing him up in the air and using a bat to hit him out of the field Nope. She just shrugged and said, "That's kids!"

Shane's bid for a VIP spot on the short bus to hell continued later on at the restaurant. Shane and his other brother Colt kept verbally punching their mother in the bagina bone in front of everyone. Let's see, he said he wanted to hit her with a bat and also said he can't wait to pull the plug on her so he can have more money. Vicki and I were making the same faces as the rusty daggers flew out of Shane's mouth and into Jeana's heart.

Instead of threatening to hit his mom with a bat, Shane should shut his caca mouth and hit my no-no with his skin bat. Seriously. But you know, even I wouldn't touch that shit now. My peendar says he's got a soggy french fry dick and he's compensating for it by acting like a mega dick bag to his mom. Okay, I'm lying. I'd still hit it, but I'd call him a "really bad person" while he was tapping it from the back. Clip below:

At the opening of the W Hotel in Buckhead, GA last night, NeNe and Kim from The Really Broke Housewives of Atlanta came face to broke ass wig. According to fake fuck Kim, the reunion was wonderful. But according to NeNe, that hobag Kim will never wear the other half of her "Best Friends Forever" broken heart pendant.

Kim told People after she arrived, “I am actually waiting on NeNe right now. We are buddies. When the filming stopped, we had a glass of wine, talked and it was great. I miss her.”

On the other side of the coin, NeNe said, “Kim says that we are friends now, oh really? Well, I never make the same mistake twice. We can squash the drama, but we will never be friends. She is not a good friend. We can be associates, but never friends.”

Lisa Wu added, "I'm a business woman!"

Unfortunately, their reunion didn't end with Kim's tortured dog wig getting rushed to the nearest animal hospital after NeNe mauled the fuck out of it.

And It may be the sugar high talking because I just downed a huge Oreo and caramel shake, but this is the best I've seen Kim's wig look. Maybe she finally took that bitch in to get groomed properly at Petco.

Image VIA Nelson's News

AHAHAHA! When that Droop Dog-faced Vicki hit the concrete on The Real Housewives of Orange County last night, my Tivo remote knew what was about to happen. If that shit had legs, it would've ran away and joined the circus. I rewinded that shit so many times I thought the button was going to fall off. What a beautiful moment.

So, last week we were left with blue balls. The episode ended with Gretchen almost cheating on her dying sugar daddy with Tamra's rapey-eyed son. Nothing happened. I was hoping Tamra would bust in and start shit, but she didn't. Instead, Gretchen kicked him out of the bathroom and that was that. It was very anti-climactic. I almost asked for my money back, but then Vicki fell and that made me forgive everyone.

Also in the episode, the housewives (sans Tamra) discussed my second favorite subject: MONEY! Specifically, Vicki and Jeana double-teamed Gretchen and told her she needs to become one of the benefactors of her fiance's life insurance policy before he shuffles off since she doesn't work and has been taking care of him.

This started a small war when that Lori Loughlin-looking bitch (her name is irrelevant) piped in and said she didn't think it was right for Gretchen to bring up money with her sugar daddy. The dumb bitch needs to choke on one of her fugly ass "Cuff Loves," because she lives in a patchouli cloud. Vicki speaks the truth! Besides, I think Gretchen was kind of playing dumb because she didn't want the others to think she's a supreme gold digger. She probably already had the papers drawn up. The ho ain't as dumb as she plays! Below is a short clip of that Cuff Love ho and Vicki having words.

Has Satan been playing matchmaker again, because FoxNews' Pop Tarts says the walking wig cemetary known as Kim Zolciak and the skeeze of all skeezes Joe Francis are "dating." Do you hear that? I think it's the sound of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse galloping towards us. Or maybe it's just my stomach dry heaving.

Kim and her new Big Papa apparently were spotted "getting cozy" at Sundance (aka FUGDANCE) this past weekend. They also shared a house together with some other hos.

Nothing pretty can come out of this union. Nothing. There is not a pill out there strong enough to help me deal with seeing Kim lift her shirt up and flash her microwaved plasti-tits in the next Girls Gone Wild video. They will have to change the title to Delusional Hags Gone Wild.

But maybe douchebag Joe has something else planned. Maybe he will finally solve the mystery as to what's under Kim's back alley wig by getting her to rip it off in Wigs Gone Wild! I think DeShawn Snow is the only one that has seen what's hiding underneath there. That's why she can't unclench her fucking jaw. She's been traumatized!

There's a tightrope.....and I may need to throw myself off of it if Kim and Joe really are bumping baginas.

Thanks Micah

While watching Gretchen make her liver weep in pain on The Real Housewives of Orange County last night, I just fucking knew that Bravo was going to pull some shit and throw a "To be continued..." up there when it started to get scandalous. That's exactly what they did. AHHHH! The used of TBC should be banned from TV. I want that shit now.

Let me explain the events leading up to the clip above for those of you who were too busy doing hood rat stuff last night. Tamra tried to throw some fancy dinner party but it turned into the "Watch Gretchen Act Like A Drunk Slut Show." And it was all that hot bitch (I can't help but not love her) Tamra's fault. Earlier in the night she told Vicki that they should try to get Gretchen as fucked up as possible so that she can act the fool. That's right. Friends help friends get as tanked as humanly possible. That's what I say too. But honestly, Tamra might as well have dropped some GBH in the bitch's drink.

On the other hand, those tequila shots weren't magically jumping into Gretchen's mouth. Although, I swear a tequila shot or two actually jumped into my mouth. I swear. This is not what happened to Gretchen. I think she sort of knew where things were going to go. There comes a time when you're getting wasted that you arrive at a fork in the road. You can either a) go barf and drink a Gatorade. Or b) keep going until you blackout and can't be responsible for your actions. Gretchen chose b.

Because Gretchen was obliterated, she started majorly flirting with Tamra's rapey-faced son, Ryan, while her dying sugar pepaw was at home (he passed away since this episode was filmed). Ryan seems like he's fucking skilled at taking advantage of whores when they're riding the drunk train. The episode ended with Ryan and Gretchen in the bathroom about to maybe get it on over the toilet. I'm hoping that all that booze mixing (tequila, wine, etc...) just made Gretchen barf all over Ryan's "nugget" inner lip tattoo.

Gretchen disappoints me. This is not how a gold digger behaves herself. You don't fuck with hot pieces when you don't legally have the gold yet. And if you're going to be fucking stupid and get with a bitch, at least make it a hot one. Gretchen should be all over Jeana's son Shane, not that nasty ass Ryan. He looks like he has permanent coke breath. Wretched. And I bet the dick is always semi-soft and skinny like a breadstick. A soggy breadstick is not worth it.

P.S. - I have filed the cuddle threesome between Gretchen, Ryan and his mom under "You So Nasty."

There's a couple of Real Housewives of Atlanta rumors going around and one I believe, the other I'm not sure of. And no, one of them is not that Kim Zolciak's wig is related to the dog from The Neverending Story, but let's start that one.

One rumor is that DeShawn Snow, the chick who couldn't move her jaw, will not be coming back for the second season, because...well...her life brings the zzzzzzzs. It's not entirely her fault. I had trouble caring about her ass, because I was too busy trying to unlock her jaw with my eyes. Imagine what her dentist must go through? He probably has to use a crow bar on that bitch.

Anyway, this is a rumor I believe. DeShawn was just kind of there. Kim's wig brought more to the show than she did.

Gyant Scoop claims that producers are replacing DeShawn with Usher's manwife, Tameka Raymond. This is some shit I'm going to hear out of the tranny's mouth to believe. But Tameka is definitely the one that will go at Kim. And Tameka probably punches like a damn heavyweight champion. Hey, maybe she should punch DeShawn in the mouth to unlock her jaw? DeShawn should research that.

In other Housewives shit, remember how I wrote a post about Sheree trying to get more money out of her ex-husband? Forget about that shit if you haven't already. Sheree dropped her appeal, because her ex is ba-roke. Yeah, right. You know he moved his shit off-shore. Well played.

Kim Zolciak from The Really Not Housewives of Atlanta fell off the damn tightrope and somehow found herself at NBC's Golden Globes after-party. Some bitch should have alerted Peta that Kim was going to be there, because she's just asking to get flour bombed for that tortured creature on her head. Bitch's head is like a pet cemetery. There's at least one dead dog in there and possibly a K-A-T or a couple of hamsters. It's a mystery.

Now on to her face. My 6-year-old cousin could have done a better make-up job using her old ass Crayons and chalk. I think Kim had her make-up done while she was walking the tightrope. And not only is Kim wearing a dead animal party on her head, but she plucked a beaver's asshole hairs and glued that shit onto her eyes.

I shouldn't hate. I'm sure NBC personally invited Kim to serenade the guests with her gorgeous angelic voice. Actually, they probably asked her to sing in the bathroom to help out those who might be constipated. Just listening to a few seconds of Kim's singing will give you the runs.

Also at the after-party was Colin Farrell, a strangely covered-up Bai Ling and a raggedy ass Kevin Bacon with his wife.