Real Housewives Shit

Bat Boy put Xtina up to this, right? He wants to become Transylvania's hottest couple and that's why Xtina's eyebrows vant to suck my blood. It's not normal for a pair of eyebrows to look like they want to take me into their arms, lead me in a waltz around the room and sink their teefs into my neck after dipping me. No, eyebrows should not look like they belong on a box of Count Chocula. Those are some super vampire eyebrows too! We shouldn't be seeing them in pictures. Strange powers!

I'd be willing to look past Xtina's continuous violation of red lipstick if she rectifies her eyebrow situation. Throw some garlic powder on those things and start again. Bat Boy isn't always right.

Xtina and her dracu-brows serenaded the crowd with her glorious "chipmunk getting castrated without anesthesia" voice at an event for the Gay & Lesbian Center of L.A. last night.

This party was a clusterfuck! Some of the hos were just there for the photo-op while others were obviously just there for the open bar (IN THIS ECONOMY). And why does Wonky McValtrex keep getting invited to events? Doesn't that break several health code violations? I need to look it up.

Anyway, here's some of the trollops at last night's party. They are: Linda Perry, the dead Pomeranian on her head, Xtina, rapey-faced Slade Smiley, Gretchen "No Moral Character" Rossi, Cybil Shepherd, Wonky, Cybil's gayelle daughter Clementine Ford, Dita Von Teese, rapey-faced Doug Reinhardt, legendary Jennifer Coolidge and Sharon Stone.

These pictures of Kelly Bensimon's seizure victim tittays are from September '08, but when I saw them on Best Week Ever and B-Side Blog, I had to share them with you. I know that after you listen to Kelly's sandpaper-on-a-chalkboard voice scream "highly inappropriate" a million times on The Real Housewives of New York, you take an old gym bag into the corner and quietly kick at it while pretending it's Kelly's face. You're not alone in that feeling, because her chichis feel the same. Look at them. They obviously put in a request for a transfer and bitches aren't doing shit until it comes through! They just can't work together. The left one hates the right one and they both hate Kelly's rotten apricot face.

It probably takes 2 body builders and a crane to put a bra on that chest. When they finally get a bra on her, it only holds for a quick minute before it snaps off and goes flying through the room. Those boobies do not want to be contained. They want off that bitch! Move this island!

Here's more of Kelly's rogue breasts with Laird Hamilton, Gabrielle Reece and their kid at an event in NYC last year.

Kelly Bensimon from The Really Stupid Bitches Of New York is still going on about her feud with Bethenny Frankel even though she said she was totally over it. In the new issue of Harper's Bazaar (via UsWeekly), Kelly opened up her dehydrated prune lips to defend herself against Bethenny's comment that she's inauthentic.

Kelly said, "Honestly, if being inauthentic means graduating from Columbia University, writing three books, starting two magazines, bearing two children, being the ambassador for wool, running a marathon for charity — if that's inauthentic? Tell me what authentic is."

The ambassador for WOOL?!!!! Wool not fools. Seriously, every sheep on this planet just farted at that comment. This bitch is fucking crazy. Kelly should be the ambassador for watered down leather since that's what her body is covered in.

The ambassador for wool didn't stop there, "Is Bethenny a socialite? No. Will she ever sit next to Lauren DuPont? No. Is she best friends with Aerin Lauder? No. Am I? No. Do I care? No. Does she? Oh, absolutely. She's not authentic."

Is Kelly a dumb whore? Yes. Does she look like a dusty Miller's Outpost leather jacket that's been sitting in a bin at the Salvation Army for a couple of decades? Yes. Does she reek of desperation and burnt nails? Yes. Does she look like an asshole for asking and answering her own questions? Yes.

I know what I'm having for lunch: two stale dried apricots on a bed of moldy cottage cheese. It couldn't have been legal or sanitary for Ramona and Vicki from The Real Houseloonies of Crazytown to touch prunes like this in front of a restaurant. The Discountess frowns upon this kind of behavior!

The Real HouseHos from NYC, Orange County and Atlanta were all in Los Angeles this past weekend for Bravo's A-List awards. The only tricks who didn't show their faces were Jill Zarin and The Discountess. The Discountess didn't go, because it's like not classy for a cheated-on whore to show her face in public. Or something. Even though she wasn't there, the others had themselves a fucking time.

Ramona and Vicki had lunch at The Ivy and guess who strolled in right after them?! Kim Zolciak! Her wig probably needed a little nourishment and Jack in the Box refused to serve it again after it bit one of the cashiers. I don't know if these three had lunch together, but I pray to the famewhore gods that they did and that they discussed their new all-girl musical supergroup. Seriously, it has to happen! Not since Sweet Sensation.....

Think about it. With Kim Zolciak's "possum getting castrated without anesthesia" voice and Ramona's "mental patient trying to get out of a straitjacket" moves, they can take over the world! Vicki is just in the group to make sure everyone has proper health insurance.

Here's more of the crazy trifecta along with some pictures of all the housewives at the A-List Awards yesterday. The Atlanta cast picture was totally modeled after THIS.

Lisa "I'm a Business Woman" Wu, from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, had a little dinner party on Friday night and invited her fellow cast members along with the always precious Dwight (aka NeNe's best homegirl). This is what Dwight wore.

Apparently, it's mink pants with a cashmere sweater. Um. It looks like Dwight made the pants from a fake fur throw from Z Gallerie and paired it with a sweater he found balled up in the discount bin at Ann Taylor Loft. Wait. Maybe Kim Zolciak's tortured dog wig broke free, mated with an elderly Golden Shepard and popped out a litter of puppies which Dwight skinned to make these plushie pants. Because Dwight's pants really look like they could be a close relative to Kim's wig.

Visit Talking with Tami to see more pictures from Business Woman's party.

Bethenny on The Real Housewives of NYC doesn't have to worry about fucking up by not introducing LuAnn de Lameass as The Countess, because the dumb bitch might be losing her Count! It makes sense since he is really fucking OLD (read that with crazy Ramona eyes).

Page Six says that Countess LuMann's husband is over in Geneva bumping it with a Nubian Princess from Ethiopia and it's true true love. Some source (*cough*Ramona*cough*) said Luann got an e-mail from him saying that he didn't want to be with her snobby ass anymore, because he found himself a new piece. Um, obviously, The Count didn't get an advanced copy of Luann's book on manners, because if he did, he would've read that it's not proper etiquette to dump your haggard fourth wife through an e-mail. It's not proper, but it's really fucking funny.

What's the correct fork to use to stick it in her, because this ho is done!

The Count and Countess have been married for 16 years and they have two kids together. He's been living in Europe for some time now, but The Countess never thought he would drop the Big D on her. LuAnn's spokesbitch (aka Rosie) issued this statement: "It is obviously a very difficult time for the countess and count, but they plan to remain friends and their primary focus will be to do what is best for their two children."

Friends also say that LuAnn is not giving up the title. Oh fuck, she's really not. She's going to keep her greasy paws on that title and never let go. She's going to get up in court and pull a Tina Turner by saying, "I only want my NAME!" And then she'll go on to say, "And a few million dollars, so I can continue drinking beer out of glasses."

Oh, LuMann will always be The CUNTess to me.

And this is why I love Wikipedia. Some bitch has already altered her page. LuAnn should use this shit as her bio in her book Class with the Discountess:

LuAnn de Lesseps, a former Wilhelmina Model, is a trained nurse, and a member of the Algonquin tribe of Connecticut. She is the fourth wife of Count Alexandre de Lesseps, a descendant of Ferdinand de Lesseps of the Suez Canal family. He is cheating on her and they will be divorced within the year.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Some rude bitch out there wants to kill Vicki from The Really Plastic Housewives of Orange County!!! Droopy Dog is about to get his sawed-off shotgun out, because he doesn't like it when whores fuck with his people.

TMZ says that The OC Sheriff's Department has launched an investigation after someone threatened to murder the fuck out of Vicki twice! The first death threat was made through a phone call. The second one came in an e-mail to Jeana. The e-mail told Jeana not to worry about Droopy's homegirl, because she "would take care of Vicki for her." The Sheriff's Dept. thinks the threats came from some insane fanlady who is crazy for the show.

Okay, I'm going to need Gretchen and Lynne to show their hands. They must be the masterminds behind this criminal activity against Vicki! Actually, Lynne can put her jerky mits down. That bitch is way too slow in the brain to pull this off. Lynn would make the death threats from her own home phone and e-mail address! Then Vicki would say, "Hi, Lynne. I know it's you. Go turn your air conditioning on." This would lead Lynne on a ten-day search through her own house for her A/C unit.

SPOILER ALERT: One of Vicki's personalities is behind this shit.

Bow your head, hold your hands together and softly sing an acoustic version of Tightrope in your best walrus on his death bed voice, because the internet is losing one of its most poignant and illustrious blog stars. It was announced that Kim Zolciak has been evicted from the internet. DAMN YOU, ECONOMY! You've gone too far. When Kim shakes out her wig for an

Her former publicist wrote a final post proclaiming they have ended their war against each other, but also sadly said her blog will be executed and thrown off the tightrope this Monday. I think he's going to feed it to her rabid dog wig.

That's okay, I've already memorized most of it anyway. By most of it, I mean the comments. Seriously, my soul is weeping at the thought of all the future amazing comments we're all going to miss out on. Every fucking comment is like "YOU CUNT" or "You suck, fat whore!" It's like reading my future obituary.

Peace out, Kim Zolciak's blog. I wish I could give you a quarter to pay your bill, but I just can't fucking be bothered. If only creditors accepted desperation as payment (you can decide who that was directed towards).

The wig tomb known as Kim Zolciak co-founded her own charity, Shoes for Shattered Hearts, which sells used shoes to help battered women. The charity's first event is taking place tonight at Monkee's of Sugarloaf and Kim was supposed to make a special appearance since she's such a fucking star and all. However, Kim has backed out of the event because she needs to devote time to her favorite charity of all: her stupid fucking whore self!

AJC.com says Kim went off to the Bahamas and her friend added, "Kim has gone out of town for some mental R&R ." Riddle me this: Kim needs rest from what exactly? Is the biggest wig rehabilitation center in the Bahamas or something? Somebody please cut down a tightrope and whip this trick with it.

The event's organizer doesn't think this is cute, she said, "It’s a sucker punch to the stomach. But my goal is to get shoes to these women. I hope we get more boxes of shoes than we know what to do with.”

You know, they shouldn't even have announced Kim wasn't going to be there. I mean, all they have to do is scrounge the nearest back alley for a mangy mutt. Give him a juicy bone and while he's eating it, brush him a few times. Then take the raggedy, flea-infested hair from the brush, compile it into a little ball and set it on top of a chair at the event! Nobody would be the wiser. Fake Kim would even be more interesting to talk to than real Kim.

And for a special treat, they can get "Kim" to sing for her guests! Just plop a microphone up to the hairball and play this over the loudspeakers. Crisis averted!

What the dick do we have here? Why it's none of other than the mega skankwhore of Orange County Gretchen Rossi on a boat in Newport Beach yesterday! And who is that she's putting her gold digging paws all over? Why it's none other than creepster Slade Smiley! With a name like Slade Smiley, you're either a child touching clown or a douchey perv who thinks he looks sexy hot in camo shorts. Slade is the latter.

Slade was in the first couple of seasons of The Really Plastic Housewives of Orange Skin County. Slade went on to star in another Bravo shit show with Jo. And now it looks like he's coming back to not-really-reality TV! You know, there was a rumor going around the internets that shortly after Gretchen's sugar pepaw passed away, she was rubbing her sluttiness all over Slade so that she would be guaranteed a spot next season. Looks like that shit was right. And the whorebag has the audacity to keep her engagement ring on while she's getting gross with Slade. Pour some holy water on me and call a priest, because that is dark-sided!

It's not that I really care that Gretchen is a dick burglar who put the HO in whore, but it's about moral character. MORAL CHARACTER! Okay, not that I know what that is exactly, but this seemed like the perfect time to quote Tamra. Moral character!