Real Housewives Shit

41-year-old Kevin L. Miller of Sugarcreek Township, Ohio was arrested at his house last night after police got complaints that he was harassing ladies at a nearby park. The police didn't even let Kevin make himself decent for jail! They should have at least let him put on a silk robe (lined with marabou, of course) and some satin slippers! Thankfully, Kevin was wearing a bra, so his nipples weren't poking out of his swimsuit. That shit would've been indecent.

Kevin pleaded not guilty to two counts of public indecency and one count of menacing. The judge set Miss Kevi's bail at $10,000.

Kevi is accused of chasing 2 women who were canoeing on a lake at the park. That's where the swimsuit came in handy. The women also said Kevi did something very un-ladylike by flashing his fruity pebbles at them.

Ignore the dumb ho shouting idiotic questions at Miss Kevi in the video above. I mean, who would ask "Why are you wearing that?" Why wouldn't you wear that?! It's the only thing that goes perfectly with his Timbs.

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These pictures gave me cotton mouth! Kim Zolciak and her new best homegirl Derrick J sucked the moisture right out of me! Really. Did you think it was possible for a bitch to wear a bedspread from the Waikiki Howard Johnson (circa 1983) quite like that?! You can almost feel the fresh tropical breezes blowing through your hair. Or maybe Derrick's no-no queefed again.

Derrick put on those red pumps and stomped on every ho in the room! Yet another ensemble from him that gave my nipples the hiccups.

And what about Kim?! I think her wig is showing signs of life! She must be feeding it Alpo, because it's looking healthy. Real wigs eat meat! It was also nice of Kim to get her Pound Puppy wig a friend. Just peek at the mangled birds trapped on her ankles. They pecked up the crumbs left by her wig.

Here's a few pictures of Kim at a party she threw with her Real Housewives of Atlanta castmate Kandi Burruss last night. NeNe was a no-show, but Sheree came. There's more pictures at FreddYo! They all might have left their dignity at home, but they did bring the glamour full force!

Danielle (aka Beverly Merill) and Theresa left a studio in NYC yesterday where they were promoting tonight's episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. It's the episode where we learn that Danielle is a coke-whoring, kidnapping, ex-member of the Colombian Cartel who has clocked in 1,000 miles on her vagina. All makes sense to me, but I'm STILL concerned about Theresa's hairline.

I'm sure Theresa's hairline means well. I'm guessing it's madly in love with her eyebrows and just longs to be close to them. That's a sweet story, but Theresa better handle that mess before half of her head is covered in hair! Bitch already doesn't have buh-bees. Does she not want a fucking forehead too, because that's what's about to happen!

This is why I'm glad Theresa is spending more time with Danielle. The more time they spend together, the more it's likely that Danielle's scissor brows will jump over to Theresa's hairline and fix that shit.

The jewel of The Real Housewives of NYC, Ramona Singer, was out eating dinner in Brooklyn the other night with her husband. I'm giving you dumb jokes! We all know Ramona does not EAT IN BROOKLYN! No, Ramona was airing out her crooked coke nose and meth mouth in the Hamptons. Seriously, I've never noticed that Ramona has the mouth of an elderly field mouse who hasn't had a drip of water for weeks. I bet she could eat the fuck out of a piece of soft cheese!

That being said, Ramona still looks gorgeous no matter what. Ka-dooz to her!

After last night's episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, they aired an ESCANDALO preview of next week's episode which revealed that Danielle's whory past could be found in a book called "Cop Without A Badge." Well, here is the stunning mug shot from the book. It's nice to know that Danielle had a face that said "I Will Suck Yo Dick For A Puff" even back then. Some things never change.

"Cop Without A Badge" is about Kevin Maher, a criminal turned informant for the New York Police Department and the FBI. Back then, Danielle apparently went by the name of Beverly Merrill. Beverly was a coke whore who was a stripper and overall slut. My idol.

Before hooking up with her, Kevin was warned that Beverly was bad news. Beverly was arrested for extortion, kidnapping and possession. Beverly got caught up in the kidnapping of some rich kid who owed a drug dealer a bunch of cash.

Eventually, Kevin left his wife and stepson for Beverly. The relationship sucked from the beginning, because he couldn't deal with Beverly passing that pussay around all over town. Kevin even got so jealous one time that he stuck a gun in one of her other boyfriend's crotch outside of a Bennigan's.

When Kevin told Beverly he wanted a family, she told him she wasn't the mother type. They broke up. Kevin last saw her in 1992 shaking her chichis for pennies at a strip club named Shakers in Carlstadt, NJ.

I wonder if Danielle/Beverly used her mug shot as her comp card when she worked for Ford Models?

From watching the preview for next week's episode, it looks like Danielle is all upset about this info getting out. But why? So she took off her clothes for money. Who hasn't?! So she did a little (or a ton) of coke in the 80s. Who didn't?! So she got arrested for kidnapping a rich kid and holding him for ransom. We've all been there!

Danielle should be more ashamed that she's dating a 26-year-old who has the bald spot of a 55-year-old and the face of a dude who voted for Nixon.

Source: NJ.Com

Bravo announced that their next amazing piece of trash won't be The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but instead they will be following the pill-popping wives of toe-tapping politicians in DC. Bravo issued this paragraph of words:

"We're tapping personalities who are among Washington D.C.'s influential players, cultural connoisseurs, fashion sophisticates and philanthropic leaders - the people who rub elbows with the most prominent people in the country and easily move in the city's diverse political and social circles."

It's not Dallas, Palm Beach or Pigeon Forge, but I'll still take it for now! I expect to see a lot of clearance-rack St. Joan suits, cunty chignons and plenty of teeth dust on the floor from all the grinding they do when the stick up their asses shifts a little. Hmm....based on that description, I just have to shout: PAGING CINDY MCCAIN! PAGING CINDY MCCAIN! Your services are needed in DC!

Image VIA ICanHasCheezburger

I scheeve! I scheeve! Teresa from The Real Mob Wives Of New Jersey is knocked up with her fourth child! That's what a rep from Bravo tells People. Apparently, Teresa is almost 6 months pregnant with her fourth child. She has three daughters with her "juicy and delicious" husband who may or may not be involved in some kind of organized crime. I don't want to make any assumptions (he totally is), because I like having all my fingers. Having all my fingers is very useful to my life.

Teresa isn't the only NJ housewife who is expecting a baby friend to dress up and take pictures of. SPOILER ALERT! Jacqueline is also having a baby sometime this summer.

You know, I think Teresa might be my favorite, but I'm not sure yet. I think her hairline is throwing me off. I can't fully commit to a woman with a hairline like that. I just want to sneak behind her and pull her hair back! That hairline is a greedy ho, because it's taking up space on her forehead and you know it's not paying extra rent! Frankly, a hairline that low makes Teresa look a little woofy. But enough of that!

Congratulations to Buh-Bees and I hope her new baby doesn't inherit her hairline. Although, I hope the baby inherits its father's luscious stomach dome (Exhibit A).

This has got me confused. TMZ says that Lauri Waring, the puppet-faced filly from The Really Plastic Housewives of Orange County, has filed papers asking her ex-husband for more money. According to the papers, Lauri claims she only makes $400 a month. That's not even enough to cover her weekly liquid nails (botox and Wesson is so five years ago) bill!

In the papers, Lauri states that she has over $12,000 in monthly expenses and that her ex-husband, Phil Waring, can afford to pay her more in support, because he makes around $360,000 a year. Lauri also said that she's working as an insurance agent and an "actress" (laugh until you fart) to make ends meet.

Okay... Um. Isn't Lauri still married to George, the wealthiest man in Cota or Laguna or wherever the hell they live? Didn't George buy Lauri's ass a Mercedes and some gaudy ass joo-rees (copyright: DeShawn Snow)? Didn't George take Lauri to Dubai so that she could piss on diamonds and feast on liquid gold? How is she still getting money from her ex-husband if she re-married? Yes, everything I needed to learn about alimony I learned from Desperate Housewives.

OH! I think I know why Lauri's asking for money. It's because she's a greedy crash-grubbing whore who doesn't care how much money she has now, she still wants MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE! Hmmm. I can respect that. Carry on!

ICK. NAST. TMZ says that Bravo is currently casting pieces of trash for The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Seriously, if we wanted to watch a bunch of desperate old hags with Tupperware tittays we'd just watch an episode of Dr. 90210. Or an episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County.

I prayed to the reality gods (I really did) that the next version of Real Housewives would take place in Boca! Or El Paso! Or Dallas! Or Branson! Or Oakland! Or anywhere but Beverly Hills! Seriously, I don't understand why Bravo hasn't tapped into the glamorous trash in Texas? It's everywhere you look (that's a compliment) down there. In Texas, you can't walk five steps without tripping over a pristine flower covered in rhinestones and hairspray. Who cares about Beverly Hills!

However.....if Bravo insists, I have a few casting suggestions. My Tivo will cut the fat and make room for this shit if the cast is: PHOEBE PRICE (international supermodel), SHAUNA SAND (lucite icon), ANGELYNE (ageless legend), QUEEN OF THE SCENE (beautiful crimefighter) and Norwood Young (glamorous unicorn).

SANTO DIOS! My soul spit up rainbows when my eyes came upon this precious picture of Kim Zolciak and a top-shelf glittery beauty who put the AY! in gay. This picture must be God's screensaver, because it's that special! I mean, his glambrows and her beastly wig really do belong together. You can tell Kim is even feeling the heat radiating off of that exquisite creature. She's giving a look like her ass is about to fall off her body! Miss Girl with the brows has that effect. I'm going to swooooon for days.

In all seriousness, Kim's wig is looking a little bit less barkalicious. She must have given it some kibble and love, because it's looking healthier.

Kim and this creature of my dreams came together last night at the runway show for ShebySheree (pronounced HEbyHEREE, because the S is silent). Yes, Sheree from The Real Housewives of Atlanta finally pulled together enough discarded napkins, discount jeans from the swap meet and pubic hair for a runway show for her clothing line. You can find HebyHeree in a discount bin at Ross Dress for Less near you!

Here's more pictures from last night including the night's guest of honor as Cinderfella in her coach. Thankfully, Dwight and the new rhinestone of my life didn't get a picture together. That shit would have made my nipples get up and go!

Also, visit Talking with Tami for a million more pictures.