Real Housewives Shit

A thick cloud of oil-based paint fumes, burnt silicone, charred polyester, hairspray and shamelessness swept through Manhattan yesterday, because all of the tricks, tramps and whores from Bravo were in NYC for the Upfronts. Falkor Rimes' greatest enemy Brandi Glanville took the whole meaning of "Upfronts" to another level by putting her titties under the spotlight. While Gerard Butler's peen is squinting at this picture and wondering why it feels like it's seen those chichis before, LeAnn Rimes is copying this look by gluing red-dyed doilies to her plastic chest globes. She's going to wear that outfit to her stepson's t-ball game this weekend.

Seeing all the Housewives in the same place together makes me wonder why Bravo hasn't put all these wrecks in the same show together. They should throw every Housewife in a giant bus and send them across the country. They probably wouldn't make it ten miles, because they'd all stab each other to death with their clavicle bones while fighting to plug their curling irons into the only outlet in the only bathroom. Greenlight it, Andy!

Here's just some of the hos at last night's Upfronts: Falkor enemy #1, Cynthia Bailey from RHoA, NeNe from RHoA (looking like a Mayan cheerleader from the 20s), Kroy with a talking wig, Gorilla Head Giudice from RHoNJ, a human Pinot Grigio bottle from RHoNY, Kenya Moore from RHoA, a lipoed hamster in drag, Joanna Krupa from RHoM, Yolanda with Lisa from RHoBH, Phaedra Parks from RHoA and the messes from Shahs of Sunset.

No, that's not a trick question. I think.

On last night's season premiere of The Real Menopausal Barbies of Orange County, the original Real Housewife, Vicki Gunvalson, showed us what thousands of dollars, massive amounts of low-self esteem and a silicone chin gets you. After Gretchen's dried skid mark of a fiance Slade Smiley compared her to Miss Piggy last season, Vicki's self-esteem plummeted into the gutter with Alexis Bellino's financial situation. Vicki said she's always felt unpretty, but Slade's comments helped to push her under the plastic surgeon scalpel. Vicki had her nose thinned, fat injected into her cheeks and she had a chin implant put in. The picture on the left is Vicki in 2010 and the picture on the right is Vicki  last month.

I watched last night and Vicki looked the same to me. Vicki's face just looked extra squished and swollen. But now that I'm looking at the pictures I see the difference. Vicki's old face was covered in real human skin and it looked somewhat biodegradable. Vicki's new face makes her look like she's got the same complexion as a vanilla candle that has been left out in the sun too long. Those bat pube lashes don't help either. If Vicki wanted to look like Overly Attached Girlfriend's grandma, then she got the look she wanted.

And the hell did they do to Vicki's dimples? Injecting all that fat into her cheeks gave her butt cracks on her face.

Here's Vicki debuting her "settled" new face on WWHL last night:

For the record, I think Vicki looks better now, but only because she has a pair of beautiful butt cracks framing her mouth.

via Radar

But in reality TV's defense, their marriage would've ended up in a shallow grave next to Kenya Moore's sanity with or without Bravo's cameras on them.

TMZ says that another Real Housewives marriage has bit and swallowed the dust. Former NFL player Kordell Stewart has dropped divorce papers into the lap of his self-proclaimed trophy wife Buick Porsha Stewart who's on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Kordell filed for divorce on March 22nd in Georgia. In the divorce papers, Kordell says that they are currently separated and their marriage is "irretrievably broken." Kordell thinks that Porsha can make money on her own and he doesn't want to give her a dime in spousal support.

Porsha and Kordell got married on May 21, 2011 and they never had any kids. On Sunday night's episode, Porsha told a therapist that having a miscarriage was hard on her and she wants kids but she also wants a career too. Kordell's hammerhead shark-looking ass kept trying to control  Porsha's ass and didn't want her to have a career, because he wanted her to be the perfect little housewife.

Apparently, Porsha and Kordell don't have a prenup, but it's not like she's going to get any money since they haven't been married that long. Besides, as Porsha will tell you over and over again, her pepaw was civil rights icon Hosea Williams. She's practically American royalty and is already rich!

I'm sure Porsha will use her last working brain cell to try to make money by putting out a clothing line like all the other Housewives do and Kordell will go back to allegedly sucking dick in the park.

Meanwhile, if you're in the Atlanta area, you're probably experiencing strong winds and that's because Kenya Moore hasn't stopped twirling with joy after hearing this news.

I guess the love between a fame whore with a face like a melting plastic lion mask and a fellow fame whore who always looks like he's holding in a belch just wasn't meant to be. Adrienne Maloof of The Real Plastic Wives of Beverly Hills and Rod Stewart's son Sean started "dating" in January and now they're over. A source (aka Adrienne's publicist) tells UsWeekly that the ho stroll is a little less gross today, because Adrienne and Sean will no longer be touching tongues in front of the paparazzi.

"They've decided to distance themselves and become friends. Nothing bad happened," a source close to Maloof tells Us. "They're still going to hang out as friends, they enjoy each other's company."

Oh, it happen all the time. A desperate Cowardly Lion wax statue pays a bloated ZZ-lister thousands of dollars a week to be her pretend boyfriend so she can get a little more attention and the producers of her reality shit show will bring her back next season. But when the producers of her reality shit show dump her anyway, she buys him a mid-level Mercedes as a "thanks for trying" gift and sends him on his way. It's practically the new boy-meets-girl story!

We should all be happy that Adrienne and Sean didn't take this stunt all the way by leaking a sex tape, because I don't think I want to know what it feels like to violently vomit as the top layers of my eyeballs burn off.

Just in case you haven't already seen this on PBS NewsHour or read about it on the front page of today's New York Times, here's Beyonce (at the 1:54 mark) quoting the most prolific philosopher of our time Sweet Brown after performing in BEYONCE: THE CONCERT (featuring the 49ers and the Ravens) on Sunday night. "Lord Jesus is a fahr" is what Basement Baby says every time she puts the blow dryer heat on high and puts it way too close to one of Beyonce's highly flammable lace fronts. Ain't nobody got time for a flaming wig.

Beyonce continued to be a wig-wearing meme-bot by quoting The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kenya Moore (aka Beyonce's twin). Beyonce said that being on the halftime stage was GONE WITH THE WIND FABULOUS! (at the 1:55 mark)

Now Beyonce just has to say "SMASH! SMASH! SMU-ASH!" and "Backin up backin up backin up" during an interview and we'll know that she doesn't work her acrylics off every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year like she says she does. We'll all know that she's always looking at shit on the Internet with the rest of us.

via Buzzfeed & ONTD

Disclaimer: Several handfuls of calorie-packed sarcasm flakes were sprinkled all over that headline before I hit the publish button.

Seen here carrying the dried shell of his nutsack that Bethenny Frankel used to let him hold to remember happier days, Jason Hoppy is scratching back at Castle Grayskull's daytime line cook and has declared war. When the reality shit show star and alcohol-ruiner filed for divorce from Jason Hoppy  earlier this month, she sharpened her extra pointy clavicle bone and shanked him with it by asking for child support, primary custody of their 2-year-old daughter Bryn and their $5 million Tribeca apartment (which looks like this). Bethenny also wants Jason to pay for her and Bryn's medical and dental expenses. Normally, when the terrifying plastic skeleton of the Joker jumps you in a dark alley and demands your money and throws its medical bills at you, you give them your money and you pay their medical bills on time, but Jason is fighting back.

TMZ says that Jason has responded to Bethenny's divorce petition and he wants everything she wants. Basically, Jason's new lawyer Jill Zarin (yes, Jill Zarin got her law degree online just so she can get back at her arch rival Bethenney) copied Bethenny's divorce papers, but wrote Jason's name over Bethenny's name and wrote Bethenny's name over Jason's name.

Bethenny wants primary custody of their kid and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants their $5 million apartment and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants child support and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants her ex to pay for her medical and dental bills and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants to be co-beneficiary, along with her daughter, of her ex's life insurance policy and so does Jason.

Jason also wants Bethenny to pay for his lawyer and accountant.

According to the completely reliable (read: not at all reliable) CelebrityNetWorth.com, Bethenny is worth $25 million and Jason is worth $5 million. Bethenny and Jason made a lot of their money while together and they also made that kid together, so you'd think they'd just split everything down the middle, but they're reality shit show stars so they have to do everything extra.

I would side with Bethenny, because again, you don't mess with the plastic skeleton of the Joker, but I just can't. I can't side with a trick who ruins alcohol. Her SkinnyGirl margarita tastes like the piss of a rotten lime if the rotten lime ate asparagus right before pissing. It barely has any alcohol too. Powerade gives me a stronger buzz than that ShittyGirl crap does. That being said, should Bethenny not get primary custody of her daughter just because she can't make a margarita right? Does being a margarita-ruiner make her a bad mother. Of course no... Yes, yes, it does.

And I'm also slowly sliding over to Jason's side, because every time I read Jason's last name, I think of my favorite scene in Joy Luck Club when Auntie Lindo looks at her daughter through the salon mirror and says, "You make me hoppy." And that makes me hoppy.

"This is surprising!" said not one bitch after reading the news that Marc Anthony's Jewish twin and the Skeletor of NYC Bethenny Frankel has separated from her husband Jason Hoppy after two years of marriage. If you want to ruin your day, just imagine Jill Zarin fapping to this news while cackling maniacally.

Bethenny released a long statement of words to every damn media outlet in the universe saying that since her reality shit show needs a new plot and she's already sucked every last ounce of life out of Whatshisname, she's quitting his ass and throwing him in the moat around Castle Grayskull.

"It brings me great sadness to say that Jason and I are separating. This was an extremely difficult decision that as a woman and a mother, I have to accept as the best choice for our family. We have love and respect for one another and will continue to amicably co-parent our daughter who is and will always remain our first priority. This is an immensely painful and heartbreaking time for us."

She went on to say, "And you can watch my marriage completely crumble into worm food on the season premiere of my new show BETHENNY GETTING DIVORCED!"

What's really surprising is that they lasted this long. On the show (yes, I watched mess), it seemed like Bethenny's constant whining and nagging killed Jason's last nerve, so I figured that it was only a matter of time before he drenched himself in pinot grigio before feeding himself to Ramona Singer.

And here's Jason and Bethenny in Miami last year. As for Jason's ass, yes, I would. And now that I know he's probably going to get a huge chunk of Skinnygirl money, I totally would.

There will be a round two in the war between the Hooker Grinchface and the Lying Gorilla Head.

When it was rumored that Danielle Staub is coming back to The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Andy Cohen said, "Look deep into my non-wandering eye. She is not coming back." But InTouch Weekly is saying that Andy Cohen lied to our faces, because the Jafar of New Jersey is coming back next season. InTouch's source says that Bravo asked her back and she's trying to decide if she wants to be a full-time or part-time cast member.

"Bravo has offered Danielle a contract. Danielle is contemplating whether this will be full-time or part-time. She will be filming several episodes. The producers squeezed all the juice they could from the Giudices-versus-Gorgas story line and had to think of a fresh outlet for drama. Having her back on will ruffle a lot of feathers!”

"Contemplating whether this will be full-time or part-time"? Please. That's like saying a morning-shift hooker with zero standards is contemplating on whether or not she should give a one-handed handy for $3 or a blow job and a testicle tickle for $6. Of course Danielle is going to go full-time. It's more money. Giving lap dances to low-level mafia goons in the back room of an abandoned meat market in Irvington, NJ doesn't pay the Botox bills the way it used to.

This is good news and an early Christmas gift for everyone. Watching Teresa Giudice fight with everyone was starting to get as old and predictable as watching your relatives fight at family reunions. Danielle will eat everyone alive and more importantly, she'll show Melissa Gorga who the real talented beauty of NJ is:

Sheree Whitfield of The Real Housewives of Atlanta took a little time out from installing a bidet (aka a garden hose) in the master bathroom (aka an empty coffee can) of her luxurious estate Chateau Sheree (aka plywood walls on a dirt hill) to tweet a few words about the passing of RuPaul's Drag Race queen Sahara Davenport and to also check TVGuide for mistaking her for Sahara. Damn you, TVGuide! Not all drag queens look the same. Sheree only wishes she looked as good as Sahara. The shade of it all, indeed!

via Major TV Junkie (Thanks, Lahoma)

From Nishanto the bear scarer to Rosie the gorilla scarer....

On last night's reunion of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, the rabid animals from the New Jersey exhibit in the Bravo zoo were all stuffed into the old pageants gowns of Miss Venezuelas past and were forced to go after each other while a confused, scared, wonk-eyed gay squirrel looked on. And DAMN did they go after each other. In the clip above, new-faced Kathy goes after no forehead-having Theresa by calling her father a coward. Theresa returned the slap by bringing up Kathy's late father and that shit awoke the butch beauty beast!

Former HSOTD and Kathy's sister Rosie nearly made Theresa's gorillas in the mist hairline jump back a few inches when she started screaming backstage. Rosie threatened to rip Theresa's head off and serve it to Kate Capshaw. Cousin Rosie went OFF like somebody just took the last Home Depot lumber cart that she had her eye on. We won't really know if Cousin Rosie ate Theresa's head off until part two airs next week, but this is all I needed to see.

I have never been this sexually turned on IN MY LIFE. Rosie's rant made me a lesbian and now I think I need to spend some alone time in Tokyo's dildo bar.