Real Housewives Shit

If you haven't heard from some of your loved ones since around 11pm last night, it's probably because they are shivering with fear in their closets and chewing on pant bottoms for nourishment after watching the gore fest that was Kim Zolciak's performance of "Tardy for the Party" on last night's RHOA reunion (part dose).

You know you live in an "all kinds of wrong" world when the FCC has something to say about Janet Jackson's nipple, but horrific shit like this ends up on our TV screens. It took me a few seconds to realize that I was not watching yet another alternate ending for Paranormal Activity.

When you make Heidi Montag look like Michael Jackson/Judy Garland/Elvis rolled into one, it's time to keep your singing voice for shower times only. Actually, scratch that, because bathroom tiles already have a rough deal. Save your singing for the devil.

On a positive note, at least Sheree can cancel her trip to Thailand for that sex age operation, because her dick jumped out of her crotch after this public display of fuckery.

P.S. - Where is the mash-up of "Tardy for the Party" and "Party all the Time" called "Tardy all the Time"?

In this week's InTouch, The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak goes SAN FARDS by pulling her wig back and removing 5 of the 12 layers of make-up on her face. Even when Kim is stripped down, she's still as natural as polyester.

Anyretardyfortheparty, Kim spoke to InTouch about her natural hair, plastic surgery and how Botox cured her migraines:

Kim on how she's changed over the years: "I have black hair naturally, but my mom's a hairdresser, so I've been blond gradually since 16, 17 and on. I was always a thick build. I had braces."

Kim on how she's made of mostly artificial materials: "I just don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Some cosmetic enhancement is obvious. A lot of times, the people who aren’t talking about it are the ones who look horrible. I do Botox. I’ve had my boobs done twice. I started getting Botox when I was 25 for migraines. I recommend that to anybody. And VelaShape. I don’t know if it shrinks you, but it keeps you tone and taut."

Kim on going under the knife again: "When I’m done having children, I’d be all for a tummy tuck. I would love a nose job, but I’m scared. I would do just about anything to maintain myself."

So, let's go over everything. Kim has already said that she wears a wig made out of Barbie's pubic hair because her hair was falling out due to a thyroid condition. Now she's saying that she uses Botox for her migraines. I've heard this before, but you know that's not why Kim is getting injected with the Kidman sauce.

I'm waiting for Kim to claim that she only has fake titties because she suffers from Tachycardia and her doctor said that breast implants will slow down her rapid-beating heart.

And did Kim hint that she isn't done having kids? HURRY! Get her daughter Brielle on the phone, and tell her to start lacing Kim's botox with birth control pills.

While Slade Smiley Slimey is out whoring himself on the fameho stroll with his fake girlfriend, Gretchen of The Real Housewives of Orange County, his 9-year-old son is battling a brain tumor. And Slade could give a shit. At least that's what the boy's mother is claiming.

TMZ reports that the mother of Slade owes around $78,000 in late child support payments. Slade has already filed a request for his child support payments to be lowered because he says he's Pamela Anderson broke and currently doesn't have a job. Slade's spokeswhore, who must work for dingles and handjobs since Slade has no money, said that his client has "jumped through burning hoops to take care of his child's well-being and health."

BURNING HOOPS?! Gretchen's vagina doesn't count, Slade, but nice try.

The mother of Slade's son added that not only has he not sent a check in a while, but he also rarely visits his sickly son. Slade has only stopped by to say "hello" twice in the past year.

Slade is the worst of the worst. His monthly chest waxing and ass bleaching bill is probably more than $78,000, so he needs to stop with that "I'm broke" bullshit.

I'm surprised Gretchen hasn't dropped everything (which is nothing) to play nurse to Slade's son. I mean, we all know she's the second coming of Florence Fucking Nightingale.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta threw a Halloween party on Friday night and Kim Zolciak decided to terrorize the audience with a live performance of Tardy For the Party. Obviously, Kim was singing over a track since it's sort of in tune (SORT OF). If she used her real voice, a pack of wild coyotes would've busted through the club thinking one of their young was in danger. Don't get me wrong, it will still leave your ears wanting to dial 911.

And Kim needs to sit down during her "performances," because she dances like a bowlegged granny who recently had hip replacement surgery (no offense to bowlegged grannies who recently had hip replacement surgery).

Below are some pictures of the housewives in costume: Kim (as a slutty Alice in Wonderland), Sheree (as Hercules), Kandi (as a disco something-or-another) and Lisa Wu (as Dwight). See more pictures at Talking with Tami.

Here's The Real Housewives of New Jersey's Teresa and Jacqueline with their brand new baby friends, Audriana and Nicholas, in this week's InTouch Weekly. No, those babies are not wearing Halloween costumes. This is their real-life-wear. Okay, Nicholas' "Ode to Brad Pitt" ensemble isn't that bad, but Audriana looks like an Anne Geddes photo shoot.

According to Teresa, I'm alone in my opinions on her baby styling skills. Teresa said, "They’re girlie-girls. They all love clothes and fashion. Everyone loves the way I dress my kids and asks where I buy the clothes. When we go shopping, they know what they like. We like Stage Left in Franklin Lakes, New Jersey, and Neiman Marcus. I’ve noticed that a lot of celebrities dress their kids very plain and simple. The baby that they say has style is Tom Cruise’s daughter, Suri, but that’s not really my style. I’m a little hipper. The producers say the way I dress the girls reminds them of Kimora Lee Simmons’ daughters."

The producers or a bunch of liars, because the way she dresses her girls reminds me of a Bath & Body Works gift basket. Teresa's the one who should be wearing a giant shower puff on her head, so it will cover up her "Gorillas in the Mist" forehead.

On last night's season finale of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kim's wig bit at NeNe, and NeNe tried to choke that bitch out. Kim's wig must have ate the footage, because they didn't air any of the fight. But they did air the aftermath, and NeNe declared that her friendship with Kim was as dead as Sheree's bank account. Well, last night in Los Angeles, the two put down their shanks down and hugged it out in front of Mr. Chow's.

Nothing brings two famewhores together like the paparazzi. This makes me think that the whole fight staged. SANTO DIOS! And if the fight was staged, maybe the whole show was staged. And if the whole show was staged, maybe all of our lives are staged? I don't know what to think anymore. I'm just going to choose to believe that NeNe still hates Kim. NeNe obviously had too many white wine spritzers last night, and mistook Kim for Alexis Arquette (no offense to Alexis) Yeah, that was it.

Earlier in the day, Kim had lunch with fellow Bravo bitch Chad from Million Dollar Listing. Hopefully, Chad is listing Kim's wig on the market. The comps say that he can probably get two packets of horsey sauce from Arby's for it.

Remember on The Real Housewives of New Jersey when Teresa showed off her ridiculous mobster palace that was made of onyx, marble and the skeletons of her husband's former associates? Well, it seems like Teresa's juicy delicious husband failed to make their mortgage payments, because their dream home is about to get snatched away by the bank. Radar reports that DLJ Mortgage Capital filed papers with New Jersey's Superior Court to take control the house Teresa shares with her husband three daughters.

I thought that Teresa and her husband only paid with cash. I was under the impression that their gaudy house of tackiness was paid for with blood money and threats. I have to say that I'm a little disappointed, because he's not the crime boss I thought he was. Sad midget mobster is sad.

But don't worry, Teresa and her Planet of the Apes forehead will be fine. If she gets kicked out, she can always go live in the gorilla exhibit at the nearest zoo. I'm sure they will give her a table to flip so she'll feel right at home.

The Insider seems to be the new WWE! A couple of weeks ago, Nancy Grace gave Jon Grosselin a concussion without even getting out of her chair and now it's NeNe's turn! The Real Housewives of Atlanta's resident bitch slapper went head to head with Michael Lohan in an episode that airs tonight. Michael Lohan thought his mouth was a weapon of mass destruction, but he's never met NeNe before. Bitch bombs him before he can even get a sentence out.

Michael tries to make a few fat jokes, but the message barely gets to NeNe's ears since she's too busy blasting him. It doesn't take long before Michael's turtle head retreats back into his shell. I was hoping that the Fight Queen of Muni would've drop-kicked him out of the studio.

And if you press your ear to your window, you can still hear NeNe shouting "TOXIC PARROT" all the way from L.A.

Note: Yes, I know her ass is saying "parent," but it's much more entertaining and fitting if you pretend she's saying "parrot."

When it's announced that the world's supply of silicone has gone dry, send your hate/thank you letters to Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I mean, DAMN! Usually, when I see a pair of gigantic chichi balls, I want to curl up between them and take a long afternoon nap. But these things make me want to grab the cross. Seriously, if Kim hugged you, your rib cage would break and your lungs would fall into your stomach. It wouldn't be good. They should give Kim the Olympic gold medal in weightlifting for carrying around those medicine balls. And am I the only one that suddenly has the urge to go bowling?

But on a positive note, at least Kim's breasts of destruction take the focus off her Barbie cemetery wig.

Here's more of Kim at last night's Fox Reality Awards. I also threw in some pictures of Vivica Fox, Lorenzo Lamas, Shayne Lamas, Judy Tenuta (with an OctoMom boa), Wonky, Nicky Hilton, Gretchen Bonaduce, Dairy (typo and it stays) DeLaWhora, Eric Roberts, Antonio Sabato Jr., his hot mom, Gretchen Rossi, Big Brother's Chima (with Mr. Empress of Lucite), Cindy Margolis and Adrianne Curry.

Life & Style is reporting that Bethenny Frankel has been replaced by socialite Sonja Morgan on The Real Housewives of NYC, because she's getting her own show on Bravo or some shit. Sonja will make her debut on episode 5 of the new season.

Immediately after I read that shit, I went on a Google journey to find out what this Sonja Morgan chick looks like. The above picture was one of the first things that popped up. FINALLY! The producers have found someone that is more intelligent, more gorgeous, more classy and has more poise than all of the housewives in every Housewives series COMBINED. Sonja Morgan is the epitome of a real housewife!

Okay, okay, this is the real Sonja Morgan with Ivanka Trump, some dude and a homosexual vase.

BITCH BOGUS! But at least we'll always know who the better Sonja Morgan is.