Lady GaGa

Before Lady CaCa was a serious fartiste who wears hamster balls as fashion, she was just a regular girl who went by the name of Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta. Above is that regular girl on MTV's Boiling Point back in the day. Boiling Point was this bunk ass hidden-camera show that challenged bitches to keep their cool when faced with fuckery. I couldn't ever get through an episode of that crap without shouting "SHANK THE BITCH" at least once. I mean, why would you not want to unleash your inner cunt when you have the chance? Makes no sense.

Anyway, it's nice to see Lady CaCa as a norman human being who used to wear Forever 21 and isn't constantly blabbing about how she shits out masterpieces on the regular.

And if you don't flip the bitch switch while watching this mess from the side, then you win! This clip is side-eyeing itself.

VIA ONTD

On last night's SNL, Lady CaCa and Vadge joined forces in a skit that was probably put together 5-minutes before in the men's bathroom while the two peed in a urinal. Don't get me wrong, Vadge looked hotter than a brand new mannequin out of the factory, but bitch has the comedic timing of a broken down toilet. You all know Lady CaCa makes my ass lips weepy, but at least she memorized her damn lines and wasn't on a 10-second delay. The producers should have just put a butt plug up Ryan Reynolds' ass and thrown a blonde wig on his head so that he could play Vadge. Actually, that might not have been believable since her biceps are bigger than his.

But seriously, this skit needed to be snatched away by Kanye West! This shit made me want to rub my CAPS-LOCK key while praying for Kanye to pop out on stage and SAVE THEM ALL! Apple should really make an iPhone app for that.

If you want to see the rest of Lady CaCa's skits and performances, skip on over to ONTD. Below is CaCa performing inside my fifth grade science project. Mark this day in history, because this is the first CaCa performance that actually made me smile like a Wino in front of a crackpipe. Skip to the 1:07 mark to see why.

Lady CaCa and Gay Fish's "Fame Kills" tour has officially been be-headed and now it's running around the backyard looking for a mic to snatch. Live Nation announced that the show will not go on and they will refund all tickets.

They didn't give a reason, but I'm guessing that there weren't enough dressing rooms in any of the venues to house both of their egos. Shit, this planet is barely big enough to hold both of their egos. They will both have to start renting storage space on other planets soon.

But seriously, this is probably the result of yet another Kanye West hissy fit. He probably walked in on Lady CaCa in the middle of a tuck and took a good look at her erect hermie peen. This set him off, because we all know her dick is bigger than his. Kanye immediately starving waving his fins and shouting shit like, "WHY DOES SHE HAVE A BIG DICK AND I DON'T?! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE OFFER ME A BIG DICK?! I QUIT THIS BITCH!" That's exactly what happened.

Source: Associated Press

Vadge should take the fartbag known as Lady CaCa with her wherever she goes, because she looks like a fetus' ass cheek compared to her. Nibbling on Baby Jesus' foreskin cheese (don't worry, it's kosher) has worked wonders on Vadge's face! And I really have to give her a slow clap for bumping up her hair with BUMPITS. Lady CaCa on the other hand, looks like an asshole. An asshole who will snatch your hamburgers! Seriously, The Hamburglar wants his weekend S&M mask back.

Here's more of CaCa, Madonna and her child at Marc Jacobs' show last night in NYC. And the dude in the picture above is my hero of the day. I'll finish that eyeroll for him.

If Lady CaCa truly wanted to make our eyeballs bust into a seizure out of shock, she would've shown up to the VMAs wearing loose-fitting jeans, a polo shirt and sneakers. But instead, she decided to once again like like an art project done by a group of half-blind pre-schoolers with short attention spans and overactive bladders.

I think Lady CaCa was just trying to go for some kind of record for the most "separated at birth" comparisons in one night. I mean, in thumbnail #10, she's the long-lost twin of a huge mound of bird doody lying in the middle of a nest. And in thumbnail #12, she's the Heat Miser's used butt tampon. What else is there to say? This fuckery speaks for itself!

If Robert Smith is having troubles moving his bowels this morning, he should just think of Lady CaCa stuffing mountains of the bad shit into her nose hole while listening to his music. That will help him.

23-year-old Lady CaCa says that after she dropped out from NYU, she spent her days alone in her apartment partaking in a sport called Lohan-ing. She said, "My cocaine soundtrack was The Cure. I loved all their music, but I listened to this one song on repeat while I did bags and bags of cocaine. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me until my friends came over and said, ‘Are you doing this alone?’ 'Um, yes. Me and my mirror'. But I was able to stop, because I was panicking more on the drugs than I was sober. So I’m fine now."

Her poor mirror. And it's kind of funny, because Lady CaCa makes me want to shovel the bad shit into my nose. I have to stick corks in my nostrils to keep from snorting absolutely anything to deal with her fuckery-laced ridiculousness.

Here's Lady CaCa at the Monster Cable Launch party in Berlin yesterday. Bitch looks like Breathless Mahoney coming down from a bad acid trip at an S&M ball. And I loooooove the "Is this thing for real?" look on Dr. Dre's face.

When Posh Beckham and RiRi see these pictures of Bill Kaulitz from Tokio Hotel throwing the glitter in Paris, they just need to lock themselves in their room and stay there for eternity. There's no way they will ever be able to compete with this kind of hardcore tranny mess glamour! Game fucking over. Bill has got this!

I mean, a leather turtleneck, Wite-out tipped nails, one of Steve Nicks' old scarves, studded suspenders and a weave that Donna Summer probably coughed up in the 70s.... RAV.I.SHING. I just want to pick him up and use his legs to eat an entire bowl of low mein with. And it would be delicious.

Here's more pictures of Bill making bitches faint at the sight of him in Paris. I also threw in some pictures of Lady CaCa arriving in Bill's home country of Germany today for comparison. CaCa has a look of shame on her face, because she knows that she will never EVER have it like that.

......a picture of Lady CaCa looking like Donatella Versace's roasted clitoris. And you know Donatella Versace has those pink cotton candy furries all over her puss stick. So, here's CaCa in the September issue of V Magazine. She must have not had enough time to work on her tuck game, because she just put a fluffy merkin over it. Good thinking, CaCa.

And Xtina is not going to appreciate CaCa ripping off her skin color! Xtina marinates in a bathtub full of bronzer and colonic fluid for hours every day just to achieve that color! The Oompa Loompa pre-op look will always belong to Xtina!

In that white box is a mound of deliciousness that has been blessed by angels. And behind that box is a mound of cacaness in sunglasses that my toilet won't even bless. Too mean? Well, GOOD FUCKING GOOD! While I'm sitting here, nibbling on a soggy microwave burrito, Lady CaCa gets to feast on the food of the Gods. I mean, I sometimes like my In-N-Out animal-style, but I never want it caca-style.

Something is wrong with this picture. THIS BITCH! She's always getting me good!

Here's LC leaving LAX yesterday and arriving at her hotel in West Hollywood with my dreams in a box.

Lady CaCa arrived at Heathrow today looking like a rejected fluffer from the porn version of The Lost Boys called The Lost Boys...In Your Ass. You know, this shit is not right. If my ass showed up to any airport wearing this exact outfit, they would immediately taser me in the crotch and ship me off to Guantanamo Bay. Which is what they should've done to Lady CaCa.

And it's safe to say that the whole vampire craze has officially gone too far. Lady CaCa will suck your blood and then slap you with her peen! Speaking of, bitch's tuck game is getting better.