Image you're a horse (Trace Cyrus, you're excused from class) who is forced to work in NYC on a rainy Saturday night. You would rather be in your stall, smoking some hay and watching the uncut version of My Friend Flicka. So you're already hating life, and then two giant asshole sclimb into your carriage expecting a romantic ride through the park. What do you do?
Do you sacrifice yourself for humanity and run off the nearest bridge? Do eat Hailey Glassman and say you thought she was a rotten carrot who needed to be put out of its misery? Or do you just suck it up and take them for a ride hoping that Kate Gosselin's rabid possum jumps into the carriage to ravage the both of 'em?
Well, that horse is better than me, because it went with the last option. If only somebody told that horsey it would win the Nobel Peace Prize if it just kicked Jon and Hailey in the ass bone.
Those of you who get the tingles for NIN's Trent Reznor, will have to nurse your fuck part with some Chamomile tea and a showing of Milo & Otis, because he got married last night. Trent married an alien from Mars' Bai Ling Tribe who goes by the name of Mariqueen Maandig. Mariqueen used to be in the band West Indian Girl, but now that she's fucking on Trent's nine inch (I hope) nail, she doesn't need to sing for her supper anymore.
The marriage hasn't been confirmed by Trent's spokeswhore, but his good friend Danny Lohner Tweeted this eloquent message last night:
"goths the world over will mourn this day- off to a wedding....CONGRATS my nagguh!"
Methinks "nagguah" is douchanese for "my fellow dicktard." I think. We'll get Jon Grosselin to translate later.
Mariqueen's extra terrestrial brows are hypnotizing me to say that Trent absolutely picked the right alien to make his wife. When Trent's peen no longer sings sweet nothings for Mariqueen, he should ask for her eyebrows in the divorce.
In a new episode of Gossip Girl, TyTy Banks plays actress Ursula Nyquil (typo and it stays) who is starring in a movie version of Josephine Baker's life. Do they give out Razzie Awards for TV?
TyTy told People that she set some sort of record for Gossip Girl, because she had seven wig changes. I'm sure that on an upcoming Tyra Banks Show (aka The Hour Of MEMEMEMEMEMEME), she will talk all about how she's setting records and revolutionizing prime television one wig at a time. But what she should really focus on is her perfect Sharpie eyebrow game.
For the first time in HISTORY, I'm actually giving her a standing ovation for proper Sharpie use! Those exquisite cholita eyebrows keeps her from looking like a shellacked mannequin. Perfect eyebrow game always saves the day! Okay, she still looks like a shellacked mannequin, but at least she has beautiful glambrows now.
I know you don't even see RiRi in this picture, because your eyes are firmly planted on the ravishing beauty in the middle. This goddess' beauty is so bright that RiRi has to put her shades on and look the other way. But RiRi should really face the brightness and take a good look, because this is how it's done.
Everything is perfect on this beauty from her "take me higher" eyebrows to her titty bib to the sparkly sperm (RPattz?) under her eyes. She's like Posh and Sporty Spice for the price of one. Ladies and gays, if you see this celestial being at a party, go ahead and leave, because you cannot compete!
To help you bring your heart rate back down from staring at perfection, I've added some more pictures of RiRi at her publicists' birthday party and also leaving Barney's earlier in the night.
A reader who cares about eyebrow issues as much as I do (Thanks, Andrea) sent me this disturbing job listing out of Craigslist in Phoenix. It's really sad to see that in this day and age, there are still bigots out there who do not accept eyebrows of all sizes, shapes, textures and colors (furry uni ones don't count). Something must be done about this! I think we should march through the streets of Ahwatukee with our Sharpies high in the air!
I can understand not wanting to hire someone whose car has an uncontrollable bladder, but discriminating against someone because they are completely fluent in the language of exquisite eyebrows? WRONG!!!!
I'm guessing that the dumb ass skank who wrote this ad has a hairline which practically touches their eyelids (Does Teresa from RHONJ have a dietary supplement company in Arizona?) They are jealous of those who are able to paint beautiful eyebrow works of art on their face.
I mean, who wouldn't want to see this at their place of business every single work day?
Nothing says "a professional business woman who gets things done" like a pristine pair of drawn brows.
19-year-old Joe Jonas and his 22-year-old girlfriend Camilla Belle are no longer rubbing against each other's eyebrows or plucking loose hairs together, because they have broken up. Camilla's rep confirmed the tragic news to People: "Yes, it's true. Joe and Camilla have broken up. There is no third party involved and they care deeply about each other and will remain friends."
Um, I think the third party involved was Camilla's vagina, because it had the grouchies due to Joe refusing to tickle it. He would rather spend his nights trying out new hair products. Wait, is Joe the gay one? I always get confused. Will the gay Jonas Brother please just wear a name tag that says: "Hello, My Name is The Gay Jonas Brother"? It will make things a lot easier.
Seriously, though, I think there was a very important reason for Joe and Camilla's break-up. If they didn't end things, Joe would've never gotten misty-eyed during his concert last night and this video would not exist (WARNING: This may cause you to stick sharp foreign objects in your ear holes):
And just for record keeping purposes, this is my eyebrows' favorite couple of all-time and forever:
This young lady's mug shot from TSG is truly hurtful. I can only imagine what she was about to do before she got busted. Homegirl was probably sitting on her bathroom sink in front of the mirror, just about to connect the dots with a fine-tip Sharpie when the police came in and broke her buzz. The poor thing was probably thisclose to becoming an elegant flower. She could feel the transformation happening and then BAM!
You can tell by the look on her face that she's crumbling inside, because she has braille brows. And that is not the look she was going for! I bet you that she even asked the cops for a marker instead of a phone call and they denied her ass. Cruel and unusual.
She should really consider suing the city for police brutality!
Here's a few stills from a video obtained by Inside Edition of the Gosselin children's possible future stepmother taking a hit from a bong and a pipe while not wearing pants. Hailey knows what's up. Whenever I'm getting read to get my bong on, I always take my pants off. Pants just get in the way of conducting business properly. And that doesn't really sound right. While my glitter hole weeps at the thought, read on....
This video isn't really shocking since Hailey Glassman and her not right brows were arrested a few years ago for marijuana possession. It's also not shocking, because she's 20-something and this is what a lot of them do. Sucking on a bong totally prepared Hailey for sucking the hot air out of Jon's ass.
Part of me thinks that Kate Gosselin and her possum hair are sharing a cup of Hazlenut International Coffee and laughing at this. The other part of me thinks that Hailey is on Kate's payroll. Thanks to Hailey, Jon's gone from sad nut-less victim to douchiest douche who ever douched. I mean, Kate's approval ratings are up!
Jon Gosselin's new piece has an arrest record. Of course. This is Hailey Glassman's mug shot from when she was caught with two bags of the good shit outside of her dorm room at Indiana University in 2005.
A few of you hos sent me this shit and applauded Hailey for having such "exquisite" eyebrows. Au con-fucking-traire! They are wonky as hell and you know it.
One brow looks like a golf club and the other one looks like a hockey stick. Different sports! Pick a league, bitch!
It looks like Hailey learned the hard way that you have to lean back a bit when lighting a bong.
After this picture was taken, a single drop fell from the sky and splashed on the lid of that chola beauty's McDonald's iced coffee (con leche). It was Michael Jackson shedding a tear from heaven, because he was so moved by these exquisite eyebrows. I'd like to think that Michael cared about eyebrows as much as I do. They're important!