If you molded a Raven from RuPaul's Drag Race statue out of Kellan Lutz's hard ripped shits (yes, even his shits have a six-pack on them), Madge's escapee arm veins and Jodie Marsh's old face, then covered it with whatever you cover a Barbie with, threw a chestnut-colored FLOR tile on its head and pinched its face until it looked like it was trying to push out a fart through its nipple holes, you'd have Joey Lawrence in a completely natural and not-at-all staged glamour shoot in the middle of a West Hollywood park the other day.
If you unplugged those plugs and dropped a miniature beret on top of his head, he'd be the white Blaine Edwards! Three snaps toward a bottle of Pepto-B, because Joey looks like he has the runs and is trying to hold in a butt plug at the same time (the butt plug is winning). LOVED-ED IT!
Hair plug maintenance, weekly body fur removal and anus tinting don't pay for themselves, so flex your way to that money, bitch. Let the flames of jealousy shooting off of your haters' eyes singe your stray brow hairs so they stay looking like they just stepped off of the face of a Disney evil queen. Twerk, werk, whoa!
Here's Jason Momoa with a side of Zoe Kravitz and a side of Lisa Bonet at the L.A. premiere of Conan the Barbarian, which is a shit show I'll wait to see in the comfort of my own private space so I can watch his King's Hawaiian sweet bread pecs bounce in slow motion. But this isn't about Jason Momoa's King's Hawaiian sweet bread pecs, surprisingly. This is about THOSE BROWS!
I've given several sermons about Jason's hairy eye triangles, but I'm still torn. There's the cholita lover in me that wants to wax them off with one swipe and throw them toward the Klingon homeland of Qo'noS where they belong. But then there's a part of me that think they look like the gentle waves that carried Jason Momoa to the shores of Hawaii after Neptune made him by mating with a black pearl oyster during a falling star storm. TORN!
While I continue to tear myself apart over this very important eyebrow issue, here's some more pictures from the premiere of this generation's He-Man movie including some pictures of Rose McGowan and Rachel Nichols. I'm guessing it rained Crisco in L.A. last night, because everybody looks greasy as all hell. Like they were in the wrong place when Tommy Girl sprayed out a lube fart. Well, everybody but Rose McGowan was greasy. But that's only because her skin is made of blotting papers. Rose is totally what it would look like if a sculptor with arthritis made a baby powder figure of Dixie Carter.
If I ever make it to the age of 92, I hope that like Helen Staudinger I:
1. Know my way around a brown Sharpie
2. Have crazy on my side
3. Am passionate when it comes to the game of love
4. Just don't give a fuck
5. Am not a good shot
You see, Helen's neighbor, 53-year-old Dwight Bettner, refused her a kiss when she asked for one at his home in Ocala, FL last night. Helen did what any horny 92-year-old with eyebrows like a pony's tail would do. She went home, grabbed her gun and shot at his carport four times. One of the bullets was just inches away from hitting Dwight.
Dwight told police that he screamed at Helen to "get the fuck out of his house" when she asked for some lip action. Helen knows Dwight has a girlfriend, but she believes he belongs to her.
Helen was arrested and charged with discharging a gun at a home.
Somebody better get a camera crew down to the jailhouse in Ocala, because I bet Helen does the best rendition of "Cell Block Tango" EVER!!!!
And when Dwight comes running into Helen's carport to get that kiss (which he will), she better raise her pristine brow and tell him to get the fuck out of her house!
This is what the line to the glory hole at Cinderella Castle's must look like, right? But no, this is two of Disney's most ravishing and cherished Adonises, Zac Efron and Joe Jonas, sitting next to each other at the Calvin Klein Men's show in NYC yesterday. Thighs parted.... Hands politely clasped... They're as stiff as a Republican politician waiting for the airport men's room to clear. That could only mean one thing: they are trying desperately not to act on their impulse to cuddle on each other's honey buns right there in front of everyone. Oh, how Zac just wants to softly blow at Joe's brows and watch them dance like wheat in the wind. At least that's what the thought bubbles that I created for their asses say.
If only a butterfly made of strawberry gloss landed on Joe's lips during the show. Zac cannot ignore anything made of lip gloss so he'd have to plant his lips on Joe's. That's obviously what Kellan Lutz, Jack Huston and the only and only Bryan Boy were hoping to see too.
Lady Gaga is on the March cover of Vogue and despite the fact that she snatched
Meloncat's Limecat's helmet and dipped it in cotton candy which caused her eyebrows to fearfully run into the forehead of a comforting chola, she looks almost normal-ish. Caca isn't wearing a dickey made out of silicone anuses or an outfit that can double as a 3rd grader's diorama project. Lady Gaga is actually wearing things that fall under the category of: clothes. That being said, Meloncat Limecat is still not amused by the wig snatch:
Ms. Swan, Louise Brooks and Trixie co-sign this.
Meloncat Limecat was definitely #bornthisway while Lady Gaga was #boughtthisway. Meloncat Limecat is going to search the Vogue credits for this mess and his name better be printed next to "I owe everything to...."
And here's a few quotes from her interview with Vogue which have turned the inside of my stomach into the color of Caca's lips.
On how one of her greatest talents is not barfing on stage: "I don't know if you knew this. But the other night, in London, I had food poisoning. I was vomiting backstage during the changes. Nobody knew...I just Jedi mind-tricked my body. [I told myself] 'You will not vomit onstage.'"
On how she molests little monsters every night: "Sometimes, being onstage is like having sex with my fans. They're the only people on the planet who in an instant can make me just lose it."
On how her fans are bad kids, or something: "I see myself in them. I was this really bad, rebellious misfit of a person--I still am--sneaking out, going to clubs, drugs, alcohol, older men, younger men. You imagine it, I did it. I was just a bad kid. And I look at them, and every show there's a little more eyeliner, a little more freedom, and a little more 'I don't give a fuck about the bullies at my school.'"
On how she's full of so much modesty: "Speaking purely from a musical standpoint, I think I am a great performer. I am a talented entertainer. I consider myself to have one of the greatest voices in the industry. I consider myself to be one of the greatest songwriters. I wouldn't say that I am one of the greatest dancers, but I am really quite good at what I do. I think it’s OK to be confident in yourself."
Excuse you, Caca? The greatest voice in the industry? BITCH SHUSH! Until Kanye West snatches the mic out of Taylor Swift's hand and declares you the greatest, you are not the greatest. Or until the full name "Stacey Lynn Swain" appears on your birth certificate.
And by "it" I mean sipping on Smart Water and staring at full bottles of delicious Moet (Why wasn't anybody guzzling those bottles of sweet nectar like the new prohibition is right around the corner?!) together at the Golden Globes last night. Since Jake Gyllenhaal has broken his promise pinky swear with Taylor Swift, he brought his ex-girlfriend/friend Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley as his plus one to the GGs.
Of course, some people are saying that Jenny Lewis has rolled herself in beard hair and is curling up around Jake's face. Now, I haven't read the newest edition of UsWeekly: Indie Hipster Edition, but I'm pretty sure Jenny Lewis has been with the same dude for centuries. So she's probably just there for the free Smart Water and to inhale the candy clouds of sweetness wafting off of Jake's face merkin. I bet it smells like strawberry-flavored goat milk ice cream.
And Jenny Lewis' appearance at the Golden Globes was a long time coming. The real truth is that she should've been there 20 years ago to receive her award for Best Cookie Time Moves in Troop Beverly Hills.
Oh, and there's also a rumor that Jake was "flirting" with Camilla Belle (pictured below at some InStyle party last night) a couple of nights ago. Flirting my ass. Jakey is a true eyebrow aficionado, so he was simply breathing in Camilla Belle's exquisite brow situation with his eyes so he could sketch it later and hang that shit over his bed.
The game of life has never been a fair one, and here's yet another example of that. Talent has never been a friend of Jennifer Lopez and she's about as plain as a stale piece of Wonder Bread, but yet she's always bathed in diamonds, 20-ply cashmere and golden weave hair spun by Rumpelstiltskin. And here's Claudia Vazquez, a woman with so much shiny talent that it's liquefied and is seeping out of the pores on her eyelids. And yet, she's a struggling single mother who can barely afford a can of White Rain hairspray to keep her curly mane crunchy. Claudia knows this, so she is suing JLo for $10 million! Let it be known that I'm not the judge in this totally worthless case, but I'm still going to raise my gavel and give Claudia ALL DAH MONEYZ!
Claudia is a producer on Ojani Noa's film project and says that she has poured all of her blood, sweat and coins into the movie and it needs it to get made! This is the same movie that JLo is trying to stop from getting made, because Ojani plans to use intimate footage of her he took while they were married for a quick second. Claudia tells Radar that it's not fair that JLo has EVERYTHING and is still stomping all over her dreams. Cut to Claudia:
"I'm just me and I'm defending my career, my life. It isn't fair that Jennifer Lopez has all the money in the world. Why would she stop somebody that is so small for her? If Ojani is not important in her life, why would she waste so much money and time doing this? She is affecting my life, she is affecting my company, she's affecting my work and mostly, my kids. I already spent a lot of money on this movie. Just do whatever it takes and close the deal and make it happen. Just let him [Noa] go and let us make a movie. Talk to your advisers, talk to your heart, and let's just stop this nonsense... please."
Unfortunately, I don't think Claudia's plea is going to sway JLo. If anything it's going to make JLo turn it up. JLo is going to take one look at Claudia's intense beauty and will do whatever it takes to ruin her.
This is just like David and Goliath! Well, if Goliath was tone deaf and had a fat ass. And if David's bathroom drawer was filled with Bonne Bell and Wet 'N Wild cosmetics. TEAM BEAUTY (aka DAVID)!
And just like that, a dozen "Which teen pop star is a cokehead who did a dude on a bunk bed at a party?" blind items might've have found their answer. TMZ reports that 18-year-old Demi LOraleVATOOOOO (that' that girl who once dated a Jonas Brother and Mr. Ed's second cousin twice removed at the hay barrel, has quit her world tour and checked into rehab for "emotional and physical" issues. That's basically just a publicist's way of dressing up "cokey problem" in a crisp white button-down shirt and shiny pearls. Here's the statement from Demi's spokeswhore:
"Demi Lovato left her tour early this weekend in order to seek medical treatment for emotional and physical issues she has dealt with for some time. Demi has decided to take personal responsibility for her actions and seek help. She is doing just that. [Demi] regrets not being able to finish her tour, but is looking forward to getting back to work in the near future."
A source tells TMZ that a "You need help, bitch" light bulb went off over the Disney chola's head after she got into some sort of fight (aka cut that bitch for the last 8-ball) with a female member of her tour.
I didn't expect Demi to stumble in Lindsay Lohan and Brit Brit's footsteps for at least a couple more years. DAMN. I swear, I'm surprised Disney hasn't opened up "Mickey Mouse's Rehab House for Wayward Hos" so they can make even more fast cash off of the tricks they pushed out on the stroll.
At last night's For Colored Girls premiere in NYC, Roshumba, a model type who's also a judge on that She's Got The Look mess, showed up looking like her asshole was trying to play a game of Hongray Hongray Hippo with her dress. Wearing Mrs. Brady's honeymoon outfit out in public is one thing, but wearing a dress that sucks to your nalgas and makes those around you think that your no-no could suck the mole off of Blake Lively is another. The only thing I have to say about this is, where did Roshumba get that dress, because Gay Al Reynolds is going to want one in every damn color.
Here's a few more pictures from last night's premiere which doubled as the Super Bowl of eyebrow game. In order: Roshumba and her "look at this power bottom" dress, Janet Jackson with
her piece guest, Thandie Newton, Macy Gray, RUBY DEE!!!!, Ashford & Simpson, Phylicia Rashad, Loretta Devine and Patti LaBelle.
Jennifer Mee became famous for a hiccup second after she went on the Today show three years ago because the trick could not stop hiccuping! When Jennifer eventually stopped hiccuping, I knew we would see her on TV again, but I thought she would trade her hiccups in for queefs and become QUEEF WOMAN. Nope, apparently Jennifer, who is now 19-years-old, traded her hiccups in for a gun! And she allegedly used that gun to a shoot a dude dead. I know hiccups have the power to drive you to the edge of the dark side, but DAMN. Who knew hiccups are a gateway to murder.
Jennifer and two dudes were arrested in St. Petersburg, FL over the weekend after they allegedly robbed a 22-year-old man before murdering him with a gun. Police say that Jennifer is the one who lured the man into a house so they could all take his stuff. The police also said in a statement, "All three suspects admitted to their involvement and were charged with 1st degree felony murder."
Here's the report from Today:
Jennifer's mother told a radio station in Tampa that she's as shocked as the rest of us about what has become of Hiccup Girl, "I don't think she knew what was going to happen because that's not Jennifer. She's not out to hurt anyone. She is a lovable, sweet little girl who wouldn't hurt a fly."
Wouldn't hurt a fly?! Is that so? Well, what does Jennifer's mother have to say about the disastrous battle zone over her eyes? Hiccup Girl might not kill a fly, and she might not have shot a man, but she most definitely caused pain to many a brow hairs. Looking at that lopsided dreadfulness is giving my eyeballs the hiccups. One brow looking all chunky and short while the other one is on the lean side. That is some "Jack Sprat & His Wife" shit!
The judge better tack on another 25 years for that offense.