Will Smith

At the premiere of the new Michael Jackson movie This Is It in Los Angeles yesterday, this lady stood for hours with her eyes poppin' out and her perfect eyebrows waiting to pounce as soon as Detective La Toya hit the red carpet. Unfortunately, the woman's (and my) dreams were crushed into dust, because La Toya never graced the crowd with her glamour. La Toya refused to see the film, because she wants to keep a clear head to help her with the ongoing investigation to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. And because La Toya said Michael would've never wanted his rehearsal footage to be made into a feature film. La Toya would know since I'm sure Michael communicated this to her using morse code.

Even though La Toya wasn't there, the premiere was still attended by a giant cast of characters. Some of these bitches would show up to the opening of a dick hole as long as cameras were there (I'm looking at you, Wonky).

Below is: Celestia (and her son who is trying to get away from her), Steve Sanders, Tito Jackson, Jackie Jackson, Marlon Jackson, Jermaine Jackson, JLo, JLove, Jaime Kennedy, Joey McIntyre, Katy Perry, Glamberace, Lou Ferrigno (with his glamorous wife), Neil Patrick Harris, Paula Abdul, Rosanna Arquette, Vivica Fox, Will Smith and some bottom shelf call girl.

Jada Pinkett's "We Really Fuck!" press tour is going strong. Last month, Jada told Redbook that she bumps ballsacks with Will Smith everywhere (even in your bathroom). This month, she continued to queef out nuggets to Self Magazine (via Page Six) about her OMGAMAZING sex life with her husband. This is what she said:

"When you have three kids, you've got to take your opportunities when they come. In a limo, on the way to the Academy Awards this year, Will started looking at me in this way that drives me wild. We started kissing passionately, and the next thing I knew, well, let's just say we missed the red carpet and I ended up with almost no makeup on."

We all have our arms up, Jada! We give up! We believe you. You and Will fuck like pre-teen bunnies on Viagra. We really do believe that your make-up ended up all over Will's ass cheeks while you were tossing his walnut salad on the way to the Oscars. You win. So can you put down the mic now. You are scaring and scarring Tommy Girl!

The Smith family is in China to bring down their hatchet on the beloved cinematic masterpiece that is The Karate Kid. Will and Jada's son Jaden Smith is there to shoot scenes for the remake which they are now calling The Kung Fu Kid. They should be honest with themselves and call it KUNG-FU CHOPPING YOUR 80s CHILDHOOD.

I see what Will is trying to do there with his head. You can shave it all you want, Will, but I still see that your hairline is slowly migrating towards the top of your head. Bitch is going north for the Summer and it's not coming back! Although, Tommy Girl probably lurves this. He likes it when Willy's head stubble scratches his nalgas. It makes him giggle. Go ahead and exfoliate those thetans off, Willy!

Redbook Magazine (via The Sun) asked Jada Pinkett Smith for tips on how to keep your sex life with your husband interesting. This made me fart. Anyway, Jada's advice to women is to do sexy times everywhere and anywhere. Go ahead and spread your fuck jelly all over your friend's guest towels.

Jada said, "Be sneaky... your girlfriend's house at a party. The bathroom. A bedroom. Think of places outside that are comfortable to have sex. Does he have access to his office? Have a fantasy date. Be his secretary! Pull over on the side of the road... Just switch it up. Anything like that can keep it going. Anything it takes to keep the flame alive."

The flame in Will & Jade's life is very much alive. Its name is Tom Cruise.

To me, this just confirms that these two aren't boning each other. I mean, her advice is to do it in your friend's bedroom? Oooh, how kinky and edgy. Come on, Jada. Give us the real shit. Tell us how to work the strap-on so that your big gay man's prostate squeals! I know how you do it!

Roger Friedman of Fox News wrote about Will Smith's charitable foundation "just-released" tax returns. You probably can't get a hold of a personal tax return, but if you should happen to come across mine, all those large purchases I wrote off from an establishment called The Pink PussyCat were for research, ok? RESEARCH! Ask my no-no, he's my witness.

So Will Smith has shouted through the streets that he is not a Scientologist. He's just letting one slurp on his chode every now and again. Even though Will claims he's not in bed with the alien crazies (you know what I mean), he donated around $122,000 to Scientology this year. Specifically, he gave up $67k to the New York Rescue Workers Detoxification Fund, $50k to Scientologoy's Celebrity Centre in Hollywood and another $5k to something called ABLE which is a Scientology offshoot.

I'm guessing that ABLE stands for Anal Bottoms Lacking Enemas. It's the charity closest to Tommy's heart...or his asshole in this case.

Last year, Will and his beard donated some cash to a private school that teaches some Scientology shit.

What does this all mean? Well, it means that Will is either a barley water drinking, couch jumping, Xenu obsessing Scientologist or........or nothing. He's totally in the Don't Be Glib Club.

Last year, Will Smith denied that his 10-year-old son Jaden Smith would star in a remake of "The Karate Kid." Will was majorly lie-telling. It was confirmed that Jaden will play the title role in a remake which starts shooting in Bejing and other places next year.

Variety reports the movie will be produced by Jerry Weintraub (he did the original). Chris Murphy will write that shit. The remake will follow the same plot as the original: a bullied kid fights back thanks to the help of a mentor.

This will be Jaden's third movie. He's already had roles in "The Day The Earth Stood Still" and "The Pursuit of Happyness."

A Karate Kid without Pat Morita is illegal, hurtful and wrong! And isn't Jaden too young for this shit? I mean, is he going to have a love interest? Oh shit. You know Tommy Girl is going to make Suri play the Elisabeth Shue role. And then John Travolta is going to play Mr. Miyagi. Keep it in the Scientology family!

There's been a million rumors that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are both raging homos who are using their fake marriage to cover that shit up. The latest gay rumor about the Fresh Prince of Bel Air comes from some Hollywood Madam who claims she has sold him dick in the past. The madame tells Ian Halperin that before she moved her whore game from Hollywood to NYC this year, Will Smith was one of her clients.

She said, “I had to reassure him over and over that I could guarantee discretion. Once I convinced him I could, he placed his order. It was for a man. I had 14 women working for me and two guys. You’d be surprised at how many Hollywood stars requested the services of the guys.”

Does this madam bitch know the meaning of the word "discretion"? Will should let John Travolta know to never buy peen from that shady bitch again.

If Will wanted some easy ass without strings, why wouldn't he just hang out in Tommy Girl's alien sex dungeon? Tommy probably has available dick on staff 24-hours a day.

And the madam failed to mention two very important things: how big is the peen and does he take it in the doody?

VIA Queerty