The Amanda Bynes saga got even weirder for a second last night when Jenny McCarthy of all fame whores and publicist type Jonathan Jaxson start tweet screaming about how the police were at her apartment and how something must be done!
It all started out as a regular night for Amanda. She tweeted a couple of topless pictures of her looking like a blond OctoMom cleaning up in a gas station bathroom after a busy night of turning tricks on the stroll. That was that, and then Jenny McCarthy jumped in and tweeted that the police were at Amanda's house, but wait, maybe they aren't at Amanda's house, because she's getting all of her info from some publicist's tweets and it's not confirmed. (In other words, Jenny was drunk.)
The publicist type Jenny was talking about was Jonathan Jaxson who spent his night live-tweeting the whole thing. Jonathan claims that he talked to Amanda and she sounded drugged all the way up, so he tweeted the NYPD and TMZ to find her and help her. And then he kept tweeting and tweeting and tweeting and patting himself on the back as he tweeted and tweeted...
I just spoke to @AmandaBynes and she is soooo messed up on drugs and please @NY_POLICE find her and help her! I don't know her address! @TMZ
If trying to help someone you feel is in trouble is a crime, then there is a problem. A cry for help is just that! I did what I KNEW to do!
I personally decided to delete certain tweets because the last thing I want anyone to think is tonight was about me. It was about another!
first and then got it and called the NYPD again in NYC, who said I had to have a proper address. Amanda has been changing her number weekly.
In addition to hotel hoping and gym hoping. Amanda needed help and I did everything I could and knew to do to help!
Amanda kept quiet on Twitter the entire time and nobody knows if the cops even went to her apartment.
UPDATE: And Amanda responded to Jenny and found her guilty of being old and ugly:
UPDATE II: After Amanda called Jenny old and ugly, Jenny apologized and Amanda took it all back. I really never could with this, but now I really can't.
You probably already shook your head at the dim-brained trick who let that infamous Russian tattoo artist give her the worst facial ever by allowing him to ink his name onto half of her face. Bitch let him do this just 24 hours after meeting him, because she thinks their love is eternal. The only thing that will be eternal is her debt after she pays thousands of dollars to try to get that mistake lasered off of her face. But anyway, that leads me to another tattooed work of beauty...
After John Travolta caused the Super Bowl blackout by blowing a fuse when he plugged his travel-sized vibrator into a socket in the men's bathroom, Jenny McCarthy got a tattoo while waiting for the game to start up again and she tweeted (via UsWeekly) the end result to all her followers. This busted tattoo would've never happened if Jenny slapped down tattoo needles the same way she slaps down vaccination needles. That rose tattoo looks like something a 16-year-old circa 1989 would get in her friend's garage after she got drunk on wine coolers. I bet Warrant was playing when Jenny got that tattoo. If the tattoo you want to get looks like the wallpaper border in somebody's grandma's powder room, think twice before getting it.
Even Bradley Cooper wouldn't slap his peen on Jenny's foot.
Here's Jenny at a pre-Super Bowl party with Kendra Wilkenwhatever in New Orleans over the weekend.
Tree-fucking autism curer Jenny McCarthy is fighting against her own life mission. (No, I'm not talking about her life mission to be the biggest fame whore who ever fame whored. I'm talking about her war against vaccines and shit.) On stage at the AMAs last night, Jenny attacked and molested a yodeling baby and now every child who watched that mess is going to inject themselves up with every vaccine available. Because who knows what kind of diseases Justin Bieber has now and the children want to be prepared just in case the wild cougar attacks them too.
For next week's show-and-tell at his pre-school, Justin will bring the three cone dildo trophies he won at the AMAs last night. Justin won (read: bought) Favorite Male (???) Pop Rock Artist (???), Artist of the Year and some other award. While accepting his first award, Justin, seen below with his mommy, spoke like a true spoiled little shit when he dedicated his win to the haters who didn't think he'd be around for long.
"This is for all the haters who thought I'd be around for 1, 2 years. I feel like I'm gonna be here for a very long time."
Isn't that the exact same speech Jordy gave when he won the Best New Artist award at the Grammys and look where he is now. (Note: Jorday SO should've won the Best New Artist Grammy). Back to Biebs, there's nothing worse than a smug toddler. I liked Justin Bieber a lot better when he was dancing to that Ooga-Chaka song on Ally McBeal. Click those ruby slippers, Biebs, and go home, because your diaper leggings need changing.
Autism curer and literary genius Jenny McCarthy is peddling her newest book "Bad Habits: Confessions of a Recovering Catholic" and she learned the best way to sell a book is to spill some scandalous (not really) secrets about all the time she did drugs and fucked a tree so hard that it squirted sap like it's never squirted sap before. HuffPo says that Jenny writes that while partying with her friends one night, she swallowed so many Ecstasy pills that it made her take off all her clothes (like she needed Ecstasy to do that) and practically rub her cooter off while screwing a tree.
"The texture felt so good that I decided to rub my head and boobs all over it. It was a tree I was humping."
Jenny then writes that her friends, who were also rolling hard, got paranoid and wanted to run to the road for help.
“I noticed that we weren’t wearing anything. So I responded, ‘Let’s not. We’re naked. Let’s just try to sneak back to the beach and get our clothes."
So sticking a vaccine needle in your kid is wrong, will probably send them to an early death and anybody who does it should be dragged into the town square and stoned. But eating a bunch of Ecstasy pills and then forcibly fucking a tree until you birth out an acorn baby is okay and totally not wrong? Good to know. Thanks for clearing that up, Jenny McCarthy, M.D. (Yes, in this case, M.D. stands for maniacally dumb.)
Here's Miss Tits Against Vaccines herself Jenny McCarthy celebrating her upcoming 40th birthday by posing naked on her sixth cover of Playboy. From those Girls Just Wanna Have Fun gloves to the fact that Playboy dulled every single Photoshop tool while making this cover, this shit is a mess. But a bigger mess is Jenny using the words "class" and "elegant" to describe her "Photoshopped into another face" spread. Jenny barfed up this pile of LOLs to People:
"I'm really proud of it. The pictures are really gorgeous and classy. They could be out of W magazine. They're really elegant. It's probably a lot more sophisticated than a lot of the stuff you'd see of people with their clothes on."
The words "Jenny McCarthy" and "elegant" go together like the words "Jenny McCarthy" and "sane." The only way Jenny's spread could be described as "sophisticated" is if they covered her Joker face and body with a pink velvet blanket and laid Shauna Sand on top of her. Also, please tell me while Jenny posed nekkid ass nekkid in an air-conditioned studio, karma twirled in and blew a case of whooping cough right at her.
And I bet the classiest picture in the spread is the one of Jenny McCarthy flashing the message "Jim Carrey Hates Kids (Even More Than I Do!)" shaved into her full pube bush. Yes, Jenny shaved all those words into her bush. She's got a really wide bush.
The real story here is that her Christian Scientist-esque ass lets her kid see a dentist. They inject the novacaine. How has her vaccine hatred not launched an investigation here? Dental pain management methods might be causing children to end up like the kid in We Need To Talk About Kevin! That kid fucking sucked! Spoiler alert - he jerked off harder when he knew his mom was watching!
Or what if novacaine injections are making it so later on in life kids grow up to be the kind of drivers who cut bitches off across three lanes of traffic so they make their exit? Dicks. I'm surprised her kid isn't Captain Yuckmouth Jr.
Jenny McCarthy is currently whoring a television project, so she needs to offer up some amusing bon mots about what a hot n' fun mom she is. I see your eyes rolling like beautiful marbles!
She explained, "It's horrific to remember. Evan woke up and said, 'There's this weird thing on my gum.' ...So I called the dentist and said, 'This is insane'. He said, 'Take a picture of it and send it to me.'
"So I'm taking a picture of it and I'm sending it to the dentist and I sent him a nude on accident (sic)! I swear to God! The dentist is, like, 80 years old. I literally screamed at the top of my lungs."
Unless her dentist is smoking pole, he probably loovvveeed it. She totally sexted on purpose. This bitch was so trying to cadge free dental care. Singled Out was a long-ass time ago.
You still have to work as a dentist in your 80s? People that age get dementia. You could end up with a toothless sucking anus maw when you wake up. Eff that.
Jenny McCarthy's LOOK AT ME Tour is speeding down the fame whore expressway as scheduled and since she's already talked about her son's private feelings, she's doing the next best thing to get maximum media exposure: talking about her pubes.
This November 1st, the world will celebrate For Why Is Jenny McCarthy Famous Day, and she's celebrating early by baring her nekkid body in July's issue of Playboy. Jenny told Today (via People) that she's celebrating her 40th birthday by posing for Playboy, because she wanted to show her Tupperware titty sacks off before "everything really falls apart." Jenny also said that you won't see a sliver of her coochie lips, because she gave her waxer the month off.
When asked recently if she plans to bare it all, McCarthy, 39, answered without hesitation.
"What's everything?" she said with a laugh during an interview on Today. "I mean I grew out a bush so nobody sees anything."
If only Jenny would grow a bush over her mouth too.
But seriously, since Playboy is obviously going to copy + paste Jenny's current day head over her 1993 naked body and call it a day, they're definitely going to Photoshop a pussy beard on her too. For Jenny's sake, I hope Playboy pastes Demi Moore's glorious panties of pubes over her crotch. Because nobody grows pubes the way Demi grows pubes. (NSFW unless you work as a professional black bear groomer) Never forget!
Autism whisperer Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey humped on each other for 5 years and during that time he formed a relationship with her now 10-year-old son Evan. Since they broke up over 2 years ago, Jim hasn't called or visited Evan at all. Evan regularly tells Jenny that he misses Jim. Instead of calling Jim up to tell him to wave at Evan on Skype or some shit, Jenny put him on blast while promoting her newest shit show Love in the Wild on Howard Stern. Jenny told Howard that she hasn't actually talked to Jim, but she has gone through various "channels" to try to talk to him. What I think she means by that is that she sat in front of the TV, channel surfed until she landed on a channel playing Ace Ventura and then used her Indigo powers to send him a message through the screen. That's what she means. This is what Jenny told Howard (via UsWeekly) about Jim walking out on her son:
"I've tried to ask [Jim] numerous times [to see Evan], because my son still asks. I haven't [reached out directly] . . . I think that sometimes people need to take a real break from each other. But I still love him. I think you can love people from a distance and respect him. But as a mother, you just hope when you have a relationship with someone, it has nothing to do with the child when you break up.
I tell [Evan] that someday you'll cross paths, meet again, [but] it's hard. He's been in therapy. It's a process, he's working on it."
Would it be nice for Jim to visit Evan every now and again? Sure. Was it a dick move for Jenny to paint Jim as a heartless, child-hating shit bag when she hasn't even tried to contact him herself? Definitely. But we don't know the whole story. It could be complicated. But instead of using her son to get to Jim Carrey, Jenny should do what most hos do when they want to see Jim Carrey. Bitch should just put an Emma Stone cardboard cutout in her backyard and wait until Jim shows up. He will!
UPDATE: Jim issued a statement to TMZ where he made it clear that he doesn't see Evan anymore and also made it clear that Jenny needs to learn a little thing called STFU. Jim said, "I will always do what I believe is in the best interest of Evan's well being. It's unfortunate that Evan's privacy is not being considered. I love Evan very much and will miss him always."
I kid, I kid! Despite having a website devoted to her which lists how many children have died due to lack of vaccinations, I know she didn't mean to lead people astray. She claims to have cured her son, and blames his autism on vaccines. The problem is that the famed medical expert (whose qualifications include having been the former "flirtatious boob shaker" on MTV's Singled Out) then wrote a book about it to share her wisdom. And then she went on Oprah. Oh dear. Cuz' no one was ever influenced by Oprah's show. Shit, I'm shocked this bitch didn't accidentally bring polio back to us.
And now she goes and gets with HOT PIECE OF CAVEMAN ASS CHICAGO CUB BRIAN URLACHER? Strike two, ho. Urlacher is one of my many dream husbands. Michael K. has Mah Boo, I have any dude in the "linebacker ass" category (you thought MK was slutty...). E! sez the two have been spotted out and about in Chicago, and her person confirmed they're dating.
"I'm outta fucks, here. Why is this a post?" Oh, it's not a post! It's a fucking warning! I've been gathering my resolve and the next time the Pats play the Cubs at Gilette, I'm storming the field and planting my face directly in Brian's sweaty ass. They're gonna need a Taser (or one of those Dunkin' Donuts limited time only Men In Black 3 star donuts with the brownie-batter filling) to draw me out!. And if I have to snatch at Jenny's cheap ass as I fly by, SO BE IT.
It won't last. Once Jenny finds out that his three kids from previous relationships have been vaccinated, she'll bounce. Those children have been tainted by life-saving science! Gross.
While Jim Carrey continues to dig an underground tunnel from his basement to the bottom of Emma Stone's dirty laundry hamper, his ex-piece and Autism activist Jenny McCarthy busted out a "chichi bags out, hip to the side pose" (you can learn about on page 16 in Bikini Photo-Op Posing for Dummies) while out with her new dude in Malibu yesterday.
Yes, Jenny's dude looks he screams "bada bing, baby!" when he's about to cum and his lube of choice is probably made by AXE, but his body has one of my favorite kind of man stomachs on it. You know, he has one of those sampler stomachs. If you want to knock your tongue against a half six-pack, he's got that for you. If you prefer your man guts the same way you prefer your Whoopee cushions (rubbery and bloated), then he's got that for you too. The best of both worlds.
And those of you hating bitches out there who are reading Jenny McCarthy's body its rights, you should know that she got that body from doing lots of yoga. Okay? Yeah, more like yogatthatbodyfromtheplasticsurgeonbitch.