Magical Forest

Here's a few outtakes from Harper's Bazaar of Kristen Stewart, her wig and the Keeper of the Magical Forest getting all close. This is also proof that Kristen can't act her way out of any kind of bag even when she tries. Okay, the truth is, I like Kristen's trash bag gown, but only because it reminds me of one of my favorite homeless ladies in NYC. This one hot bitch always ran around the streets wearing a dress made out of Hefty sacks and Ziploc bags. She once called me a "shifty fag." It really was love at first hate.

Anyway, don't let these pictures fool you. RPattz and Kristen are definitely not bumping taints under the sheets. RPattz is only looking at her like that, because he's picturing her as a giant corn on the cob. Corn brings out of his emotions.

The Keeper of the Unicorn Forest even brings the raw sparkly emotion when he's got a lobster bib tied around his neck and an ear of corn in his hand. Look at him smoldering out of his every pore. I don't know if he wants to throw that corn into a fire or seductively breathe onto its neck (yes, corn cobs have necks) like he's ready to suck an orgasm out of it.

That corn just wants to dry up and pop into a bowl of buttery popcorn. Maybe then RPattz will be pleased with it? Who knows, but I do know that I need to see more dramatic performances like this when I go to Red Lobster. We shouldn't laugh and smile over lobsters. We must brooooooood.

Anyway, RPattz did a whole lot of simmering in December's Vanity Fair. The shoot was typical RPattz. In one photo, he's like "Oh hey, look at me! I'm James Dean." And in another, he's like "Oh hey, look at me! I'm using a piano like an ottoman." Etc...Etc....

In the interview with Vanity Fair, RPattz once again denies that he's rubbing on that Kristen Stewart chick. RPattz said, “It doesn’t make any difference what you say to the tabloids. I’ve literally been across the country from Kristen, and it’s like ‘Oh, they were on secret dates!’ It’s like ‘Where? I can’t get out of my hotel room!’ ”

I believe him. I mean, he doesn't have time to fuck on girls when he's too busy pondering over things like corn.

RPanttiez vants to suck your blood....during that time of the month.

You know, just like the Twidildo, this makes all sorts of sense. I mean, Edward Cullen is responsible for thousands of pairs of chonies getting covered in massive amounts of creme de la coochie. So panties with his mouth on the labia area was the next natural step.

At this point, it won't be long for some bitches puts out sparkly Twitamponz. It won't leave a drop! The "Jacob Black Twitampon" will be extra furry for those with heavy flow.

Source: Robert Pattinson Online via The Frisky

When the keeper of the unicorn forest Robert Pattinson farts, crazed Twihards within a 3-mile radius immediately drop their Twidildos and rush to his ass to suck up the essence of his butt air. Truth. So, RPattz is causing my eyeballs to do the wave by saying he can't get a date. Maybe he can't get a date with a sane person, but he can definitely get a date. We know.

Here's what RPattz told the Sydney Morning Herald (via People), "Girls scream out for Edward, not Robert. I still can't get a date. Like yesterday, I was having lunch down the road. We were in this place for a couple of hours and suddenly there was like 400 people outside on the street. It was just so nuts and it's like that all the time now."

It's obvious that RPattz is busting glitter bombs all over that Kristen Stewart girl, so this "Iz kant gitz a datez" wolfshit is just for show. The truth is, there are millions of insane bitches who would go on a date with a piece of RPattz's caca! Seriously, they would take it to Olive Garden, stroke its back when it got scared during a horror movie, and gently peck it on the lips on the porch of its house at the end of the night.

So check your state or country laws before your fuck parts start salivating over him. You do not want to share a cell with Roman Polanski, because he looks like a snorer....and a night farter. Anyway, here's the wolfie boy from Twilight getting wet and jumping around during a Rolling Stone photo shoot in Malibu yesterday.

Whenever I see this dude, he's always bouncing in the air like the ground is filled with Parasite Hilton's toxic cooch warts. It's like he's got springs instead of bones. If he flips around like that on the sand, imagine what he can do on your... Actually, don't imagine that before checking with Chris Hansen first.

This shit right here really gives me a reason to grab a bottle of peach Schnapps and go back to bed. There's a hateful rumor flying around the internet that a sparkly vampire is in the running to play a piping hot stick of ginge. Why don't they just go all the way and pull out my heart by casting Katherine Hagel or CHERYL BURKE as Prince Hot Ginge? Make it quick.

Last Week, director Peter Kosminsky said he's currently working on a biopic of Prince Hot Ginge's life called The Spare. Peter is in the middle of naming the lucky bitch who will don the ginge to play Prince Harry and RPattz's name has been thrown in the ring. Rupert Grint, the ginge in the Harry Potter movies, has also been mentioned.

Okay, I can almost co-sign Rupert as Prince Harry, because at least he's been naturally blessed with the ginge, but RPATZZ?! Shit don't make sense. I don't think it's possible to dye RPattz's magical forest hair. The unicorns will never ever allow it and the glitter will always shine through. Even if they were able to douse his hair with ginge and wipe that constant "I Haz Fart" look on his face, he's still not the one to play Hot Ginge!

Peter is wasting time with the flavors of the month and he needs to look at the classic ginges of our time like ROJO CALIENTE. Rojo is definitely the one. Rojo is always the one.

VIA BuddyTV

The Twidildo: It exists! Tantus, a maker of fuck trinkets, is coming out with a sparkly dildo they are calling "THE VAMP." They can't really call it the Twidildo since they will get sued and lose everything they fucked so hard for. And that would be a shame since they deserve to make millions and millions of dollars for coming up with this work of geniusness (yes, geniusness). I mean, they deserve a Pulitzer Prize just for the description:

Updated by popular request... Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.

JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN! Who doesn't love those dark and mysterious vamps on the screen and in the books we all thumb through lustfully? That's what we thought. For those of us who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden comes The Vamp. We promise this vamp won't be the only thing coming for you in the night.

The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire's design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon's glow. Since it's a Tantus toy, The Vamp is made from Tantus' own unique blend of 100% Ultra-Premium Silicone. Don't be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don't save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle.

Toss it in the fridge?! They better add a disclaimer, because some ho is going to sue after her chocha gets freezer burned.

Seriously, every crazed horny Twitard is going to crack open their red apple bank to buy the Twidildo, so that they can say Edward Cullen's sparkly vampeen finally took their virginity! They should also sell Edward cardboard cut-outs with this, because you know some of those crazies will attach the Twidildo to that shit so that they can ride him until he breaks in two...LITERALLY. Personally, I'm not wasting my coins on this, because I'm holding out for an Eric Northman Real Doll.

The Twidildo is after the jump in all its glory. It's actually not that glorious since it's just a generic dildo covered in glitter, but the Twitatties aren't picky. (NSFW) JUMP!!!

Here are some extremely crystal meth clear pictures of Kristen Stewart and the keeper of the enchanted unicorn forest practically wet fucking on each other in front of their fellow Eclipse cast members at the Kings of Leon concert in Vancouver last night. Okay, in reality, they are probably just talking really close, because the music is loud, but let's just go with it.... Kristen is totally playing with his sparkly dick butter while RPattz flicks the fleas off her crotch nest with his feet. *Romance*.

And I hope that right after these pictures were taken, Kristen immediately filed a restraining order against every crazy in this picture. You know, just to be safe.

OK! Magazine asked the keeper of the unicorn forest what he looks for in a lady friend:

"I like people being forward. Gosh, I don’t know. I like strong people, chiseled abs… I don’t know, I take what I can get!"

And with that, every Ab Roller and wet vac (for DIY lipo) on this planet just sold out! Just picture thousands of crazed Twitards burping out their lungs after doing a dozen crunches with a cardboard cutout of Edward in front of them for motivation. The most exercise they do on a daily basis is a few vagina bounces while watching Twilight in slow motion. RPattz is single-handedly curing teenage fopa!

Rachelle Lefevre, who played the role of Victoria in the first two Twilight movies, has been replaced with Richie Cunningham's daughter Bryce Dallas Howard. Summit issued a press release that said Bryce will take over the role for Eclipse. They said Rachelle isn't able to shoot the movie due to "scheduling conflicts."

Uh. Huh.. "Scheduling conflicts" is bullshit talk for "bitch got fired" or "bitch wanted more cash" or "bitch was sick of Twitwards getting in her life" or "bitch wanted to do real acting." Let's be real.

I can only imagine how the Twihards are going to handle this. I remember when I almost choked a ho when One Life to Live replaced Asian Blair Cramer with White Blair Cramer. My soul wasn't right for months after they pulled that shit!

And as much as I appreciated Bryce Dallas Howard's amazing work in Lady in the Water, I think the Twilight bitches cast the wrong ginge. If they really wanted to make Eclipse a phenomenal blockbuster sensation, they would've given international supermodel and scene stealer Phoebe Price the role. I mean, nobody can pose with an inanimate object (I'm looking at you, Kristen Stewart) the way PP can! It's totally going to flop now.