What the hell kind of GD celebrities do Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber think they are? They should just retire and go live in the jungle or some shit. They actually gave their child a normal name! The horror. It's just as I expected, but I thought that they might surprise us or something. That was foolish of me, because they are both made out of boiled broccoli.
Naomi popped out their second son this weekend and they gave him the name: Samuel Kai Schreiber. They actually thought about their son's future dealings with possible school yard bullies. Imagine that! Naomi and Liev need to check the toilet the next time they go #2, because I bet there would be caca bits floating in there instead of fool's gold. This would confirm that they aren't celebwhores, but just normal people like us. Yes, normal people exist in the celebworld. Look at Phoebe Price!
Although, maybe they aren't as normal as we think. Maybe they meant to name him Samwell after their love for the song What What (In the Butt), but spelled the name wrong on the birth certificate. If I lose my mind and decide to have a baby friend, I'm totally going to name it Samwell!
Here's totally average person Liev with his other son Alexander Pete (Egaaad! Another normal name!) in NYC last night.
The middle Hanson brother, Taylor, has another son. This his fourth kid. He's 25. That's insane.
Taylor's wife, Natalie, popped out their newest baby friend yesterday in Tulsa, Oklahoma. They told People that they named him Viggo Moriah. I immediately had flashes of Viggo Mortensen and Mariah Carey holding hands and running through the baby fields. But then I remembered that Viggo was in Lord of the Rings and Moria is from that shit, so Taylor is probably just a Rings nerd. It also could be a religious name. Who knows? It's too early for me to wrap my brain cell around this before my first cup of coffee (no Sanka today).
Viggo joins brothers Ezra and River, and sister Penelope. The Hanson brothers now have 7 kids between them.
Those Hanson dudes have some iron sperm. Don't look at Taylor's picture above for too long or you might find yourself knocked up with a baby named Gandalf Gollum.
Congratulations, Taylor! You are one baby closer to beating the Duggars! Keep on! Keep on!
St. Angie's ex-husband, Jonny Lee Miller, has a new baby with his wife, Michele Hicks, and they have named him Buster Timothy Miller. Buster Miller!
People says that Buster Miller was born in Los Angeles on Wednesday and weighed in at 9lbs.
I can already hear the kids calling him Busted Busta! Parents need to think this shit through. You can't make it easy for school bullies! Although, some bullies get pretty creative. In junior high school, one dumb bitch used to call me Michael Dichael. Get it? Dyke. He thought he was so clever for that shit. I hope he's eating Dinty Moore out of a rusty pot. The bastard.
Buster Miller is either going to grow up to be a mischievous puppy dog or an old timey newspaper paper boy who does song and dance numbers in between his deliveries.
Actually, I shouldn't say that shit. There's all different kind of Busters! There's Buster Keaton, Buster Brown, Buster Baxter, Buster Bluth and now we have Buster Miller!
The daughter of God and half-sister of Jesus, Celestia (aka Anne Heche), is knocked up with James Tupper's baby. It's their first child together. The crazy fauxmosexual already has a 6-year-old son named Homer with her ex-husband, Coley Laffoon.
Anne and James met on the set of Men in Trees when they were both still married. Sluts! Their spokesbitch issued this extremely wordy statement to People: "They are really thrilled."
Anne better name her kid God Jr. or Lil' Celestia. She won't, though. Since the kid will be Homer's sibling, she'll probably name it something predictable like Marge or Illiad.
P.S. - Anne got that dress at the Flavor of Love stoop sale. She forgot to read the label that clearly states the dress should only be worn by bitch's with plastic titty sacks.
Asshole and Pete's Emo baby's name is still Bronx Mowgli Wentz. I was half expecting them to say it was all a joke and his real name is Morrissey Smith after their two idols. True story: my chola cousin wanted to get knocked up when she was 15 just so she could name her baby Morrissey Smith. Thankfully, that ho turned lezzie a year later and didn't have a baby.
Pete talked to Ryan Gaycrest on his KIIS-FM radio show this morning and explained why they ruined a poor child's life by naming him Bronx Mowgli Wentz.
The vagina said: "I feel weird—people have all these ideas of what it means now. I think it's kind of cool to leave the narrative the way it is. People are stoked or pissed or whatever…I don't think anybody knows the real story of why or how. We came up with the idea Bronx, we'd been throwing it back and forth a while ago. The Jungle Book is something me and Ashlee bonded over. It's really cool."
Not a good enough reason. I had a boyfriend once and we only bonded over Arby's and ecstasy. Seriously, we only liked each other when we were on ecstasy or eating at Arby's. The other times we hated each other.
We both were in awe of Arby's horsey sauce. We would order extra servings of it and pour it on everything, even spaghetti. Anyway, does that mean we would have named our kid Ecstasy Horsey Sauce? Actually, that's still a better name than Bronx Mowgli!
VIA E! Online
Asshole Simpson and Pete Wentz's Emo Baby decided to take his chances and finally come out, but he will probably regret that decision for the rest of his life! Asshole finally popped out a baby boy yesterday in Los Angeles after being pregnant for like 2 or 3 years at least! He weighed in at 7 lbs., 11 oz., and was 20 1/2 inches long and these two dumb fuck douche bags named the poor boy BRONX MOWGLI WENTZ. As if he didn't have it bad enough with these two as parents, the big-tittied frog as an aunt and Papa Joe as his pepaw. BRONX MOWGLI? He's probably already on his way to his lawyer's office to file for emancipation from his parents. Naming a kid that is child abuse.
I mean, BRONX MOWGLI? First of all, his initials are BMW! Trust me. That wasn't a coincidence. They just want free shit. Second of all, his short initials are BM. Third of all, the name Mowgli is already taken by that boy from "The Jungle Book"! I knew these short bus rejects would deliver a truly busted baby name, but they took the fucking cake, ate it, barfed it up and then ate it again.
A spokeswhore for Ass & Pete said, "Ashlee, Pete and baby Bronx are all healthy and happy, and thank everyone for their well wishes!"
Correction: BMW is not happy. Ass and Pete may think he's crying, because he's a little baby, but that's not the case. He's crying because his name is BMW and he already hates life!!! With a name like BMW, he can either be a low-rent neighborhood rapper or a low-rent neighborhood DJ.
Somewhere in the world, Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale has stopped crying over his name and is finally smiling, because someone has an even fuglier name than him.
BABIES!!! Adam Sandler and his wife friend Jackie have added another human to this earth. You better get your oxygen tank out soon, because we're running out of air to breathe!!
Adam wrote on his website yesterday: "Jackie and Adam had a beautiful baby girl, Sunny Madeline on November 2. Everyone is happy and healthy."
Sadie Sandler & Sunny Sandler?! They sound like a failed folk duo whose greatest achievement was opening for The Partridge Family in the 70s. There's too many fucking Ss there.
I also knew a Sunny once. She was really lovely, but she slept a lot. Slept a lot, because she was a fucking cat. These celebrities and their cat names!
P.S. - WHERE THE FUCK IS ASSHOLE SIMPONS'S BABY?! I don't blame Emo Baby for not wanting to come out.
P.P.S. - I can't wait to read the comments in this post while I nibble on my Pop Tart.
Back in August, when Jemaine Clement got married to some floozy out of nowhere, I was completely shocked! And now here's another vag slap to the face. Jemaine and his new wife Miranda Manasiadis welcomed the fifty gazillionth member of the neverending child army.
Jemaine and that woman gave birth to a boy last month in NYC while he was filming the second season of "Flight of the Conchords."
They named him Sophocles Iraia Manasiadis Clement. Sophocles is the name of Miranda's Greek pepaw and Iraia is the name of one of Jemaine's grandparents.
You know, Jemaine could have named his son PoopyFace Chickpea and I still would love the name. Besides, they can call him Phockey for short.
And Asshole Simpson and Pete Wentz better cross the name Sophocles off their list of available celebrity baby names. You know that name is their top pick.
BABIES!!! BABIES!!! Amy Poehler and Will Arnett have added yet another member to the trillion strong child army that will soon take over this planet and make us all their slaves. But that's besides the point!
TMZ reports that Amy popped out a baby boy today. This means she can't show up to work tonight on "SNL" tonight and Seth Meyers will have to do Weekend Update solo. Lazy ass Amy! She should just bring her new baby with her. I'm sure he can already tell jokes, deliver punchlines and rap. Shit. I'm sure the Arnett baby has already signed a comedy deal at NBC. His half-hour comedy show will debut in the Spring.
Unfortunately, we don't know a baby name, but I hope they name him Gob in honor of "Arrested Development." Or they should name him Lucille Bluth. One of those.
UPDATE: And his name is.....ARCHIE ARNETT! I guess Amy gave birth to a clumsy comic book character. His first words are probably going to be "Golly Gee!" The name works for me, but we'll call him GOB for short. I mean, it would be illegal not to call him GOB. Hopefully, she'll have another boy sometime soon and they can name him Jughead!
Amy and Will's rep confirmed their baby's name to People. Their rep also said that AA weighed in at 8 lbs., 1 oz.
HOLD UP! I just remembered something. David Archuleta, the annoying baby chipmunk with constant jogger's voice from "American Idol," is nicknamed Archie. Ugh. Maybe that wasn't the best choice of name after all.....
Lil Wayne barely announced to the world that he was expecting a baby at Sunday's BET Awards. Well, that baby has landed. His spokesbitch tells UsWeekly that Lil Wayne's new son was born this afternoon in Cincinnati, Ohio. The new baby's name is Dwayne Carter III. Lil Wayne's real name is Dwayne Michael Carter Jr.
Lil Wayne has never said who Lil'er Wayne's mommy is. My money's on Bow Wow. And I bet you Lil Wayne's baby boy is already taller than he is.
It was slow on the baby news for a while and suddenly it's like a BABY hurricane! BABIES are everywhere once again. It's okay. Yes, we're overpopulated, but what's another ten, twenty, trillion more humans? I've said it eleventy times and I'll say it again, BABIES are taking over the planet. I've already made peace with the fact that my last breath will probably be under a mountain of dirty diapers.