BABIES!!! BABIES!!! BABIES!!! We're all drowning in BABIES!!! this week. Go look in your refrigerator and I'm sure there's a baby chilling in there. Charlie Sheen brought twins, as did Jenna Jameson. Carson Daly and his girlfriend Siri Pinter have added another member to the baby army. A boy. Siri gave birth to another oxygen-stealer this past Sunday in Los Angeles.
Carson's spokeswhore told People that Carson and Siri named him Jackson James Daly. JJ weighed in at 7 lbs., 8 oz. I can't really say shit on his name, but Jackson James does kind of sound like a wine you'd buy on special at Albertson's. Besides that, it's totally absolutely every kind of normal.
You know how whores usually say shit like, "Awwww. baby has his father's eyes." I hope they weren't saying this to JJ. If that's the case then Siri popped out a giant eyeball with two little legs and arms. Carson's got eyes that even STAINS can't stand up to. While Stains can eat cupcakes with his eyes, Carson can make 'em, frost 'em and box 'em with his googly eyes.
Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller now have themselves a pair of prostitute tranny babies (Denise Richards words, not mine)!! The two twin boys came out kicking and screaming (I'm assuming, since Charlie is their dad) yesterday in Los Angeles.
UsWeekly says they named the boys Bob and Max. Bob and Max. Max and...BOB. BOB the baby!
Okay, I can co-sign the name Max, because almost everybody loves a Max! But Bob?! Not even a Robert. Just a Bob. It sounds like the name of a bald accountant with sweaty pits who spends his weekends at his timeshare in Florida and has a wife named Ethel who loves to make pineapple upside cake on Sundays. Bob Sheen is going to have a weird obsession with polo shirts in every color, be really good at golf and always smell like Gold Bond mixed with Old Spice. That's my guess. That being said, Bob is a trillion times better than a Bronx Mowgli.
And I'm expecting Charlie, Brooke, Bob and Max to be sitting front row at Dancing with the Has-Beens this week to cheer on Auntie Denise Richards! Speaking of, do you hear a crazed banshee screaming the word "cunts" over and over again? Denise must have just found out the happy news.
P.S. - Start your clocks now. Charlie will be on to his next trick in two seconds flats. Kids cramp his whore style.
Just when I was starting to like the idea of a Baby Icky roaming the land, M.I.A. has blogged that the rumor is made of 100% organic lies. Earlier today, it went around the internets and back that she had bestowed the name Ickitt on her babeh boy. M.I.A. went on her MySpace and said it is an L.I.E.:
MY BABY IS NOT CALLED ICKITT, PICKIT OR LICKIT THANK YOU VERY MUCH TO ALL THE HOLLYWOOD PRESS. HES A BABY , HE DONT NEED PRESS!
I DIDNT RELEASE THE BABY NAME BECAUSE I DIDNT THINK IT WAS NEWS!!!!
BUT I WILL BE BACK WITH SOMETHING NEWS WORTHY SOON , TILL THEN GO PICK ON APPLE, SATCHEL AND MOON UNIT.
LOTS OF LOVE STICKIT!!
Somewhere in the world Bronx Mowgli is making a weepy face, because she forgot to mention him in the list of WTF-worthy baby names.
This gives hope to Audio Science and Pilot Inspektor. It's possible that M.I.A.'s real baby name is fucked up enough to knock them off the top so the tears can stop pouring out of their eyes.
The future mean bitches of the playground are thanking M.I.A. and her fiance Benjamin Brewer for hand delivering them ammunition they can use to tease the fuck out of their poor child. Latina.com says M.I.A. already hates her month-old baby, because she has named him Ickitt. As in Ick. As in Icky. As in WTFett.
The name describes itself. Actually, I shouldn't say that. Ickitt could turn ick into gold by giving himself an awesome nickname like Lickett. Or Stickitt. Or Kickitt. Or Dickitt. And now the schoolyard ho bags are thanking me for basically doing their job.
Erykah Badu, Queen of Baduizm, is not of this world, so it's not surprising that she apparently named her new baby girl Mars Merkaba. That name sounds like a 4-seater, subcompact car with anti-lock brakes and built-in OnStar. Request that shit the next time you rent a car at Enterprise. I'm sure one will pull up in the front.
Erykah twittered (that always sounds so sexy) her new baby name, just as she twittered her damn labor. Right after she popped baby out of her twatty, Erykah twittered that they were going to name her Twitty Milk. Phew. I'm glad she was joking and it's still available. That's what I'm planning on naming my next set of anal beads. You should name all your sex toys. It brings you closer together.
MM is Erykah's first kid with Jay Electronica. She has two kids from other relationships named Puma Rose and Seven Sirius. So, we know that homegirl loves Puma sneakers, only listens to Sirius radio and can't get enough of Mars bars. Seriously, Mars, Puma and Seven? They sound like the members of an all-boy Japanese rap group.
I've seen some shit on Twitter that makes my soul scream "Just tell me how much your shit nugget weighs already and let's get it over with!", but this takes the fucking cake and throws it across the room. A crazy ho Twittered while her twatty was busy making way for baby. The crazy ho I'm talking about is Erykah Badu. Yeah, twittering during labor is not Baduizm shit.
Yesterday, Erykah and her baby daddy Jay Electronica twittered when she started contractions, when she went into labor and when her new baby came out of her twat. When the placenta was dry, Erykah joked that they named her new baby girl Twitty Milk.
I think it was a joke, but I hope it wasn't. I mean, Erykah's other kids are named Seven and Puma, so I would not put it past her. And I think it's HIGH time for Bronx Mowgli to be dethroned as the baby with the most fucked up name.
But seriously, Erykah has some serious skills if she can type while her pussy is going through some major shit. It's kind of ridiculous, though. Someone should have called Tyrone and tell him to come on home and stop the Twitter fuckery!
Most of us figured Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck would give their new kid a flower name since their first daughter is named Violet. So it's not really surprising that they used Rose as her middle name. But her first name is Seraphina! Jen's spokesbitch told People that they named their week-old daughter Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck. YES! Jen and Ben are still two boring pieces of boiled broccoli, but I've just added a little melted cheddar cheese on top of them for naming their daughter Seraphina!
Seraphina Rose sounds like the name an aging gothic stripper who works the "50 cent beer" shift at some truck stop club. I absolutely adore the name! Although, I once got food poisoning at a restaurant named Serafina.......
I just hope Jen and Ben don't call her Sera or I'll have to scrape the melted cheese off of them.
YES! Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa , a hot piece of man meat who I just want to lick up until he melts into a puddle so that I can bottle him up and sip him throughout the day, said "hi" to a new baby friend sometime last month. Yes, I know that was a long description of Jason, but whenever I see a picture of him, my genitals do the writing.
Jason's mother posted on his website forum that Lisa gave birth to a baby boy. They named him......hold your breath.... hold it..... don't breathe.... DON'T! Are you passing out yet? ...hold... it... here we go.... Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa!!! Seriously. Now I won't feel bad when I name my first born Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho.
Jason's mommy went on to explain the name, "He was born on the stormest, rainy night.
so Nakoa(warrior)...Mana(strength/spirit) Kaua(rain) po(dark)... The name was always going to be Nakoa-Wolf, but Jason did the research on first middle name, 2nd middle name as you know is Jason's."
Those incense-burning, no-deodorant wearing, peyote eating, tantric sexin' hippies! Their son isn't going to be able to say or write his name.... ever. I can't even pronounce that shit! I feel like when I try to say his name, the clouds will turn black, the sky will go dark and the heavens will weep for 7 days straight. It's totally a rain chant!
But you know what? It's still a zillion times better than Bronx Mowgli. At least Nakoa-Wolf's (HA!) means something. I shouldn't say that. Bronx Mowgli means something in Doucheanese. It means "My parents are assholes."
Jennifer Garner released a baby into this black-hearted world sometime this afternoon. Jen and Ben already have a toothy 3-year-old they call Violet.
Jennifer's spokesbitch told People, "Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck gave birth to a healthy baby girl." The bitch did not fess up a name.
I'm really hoping they name their girl something meaningful. I'm thinking JLo? Or maybe Fishsticks? Or maybe Band-Aid? Or SavaMarriage? And if they are going to keep with the flower tradition, they better pick a hot flower name like Baby's Breath, Goldenrod, Honeysuckle, Morning Glory or Petunia.
But knowing these two boring boiled rutabagas, they gave her a memaw name like Rose, Ethel, Bertha, Gertrude or Myrtle. Oh shit. I really hope they named her Ethel. Nobody names their baby Ethel anymore! Come to think of it, nothing is named Ethel anymore. The next time you bring a baby, dog, cat, plant, rodent, cockroach, fish, homeless person or hooker into your home, you have to name them Ethel. The name must be kept alive!
Becky Romjin and Jerry O'Connell have continued the celebwhore trend of giving their babies woodland creature names.
Becky gave birth to twin girls on December 28th. Becky and Jerry weren't telling jokes when they said they would name one of their kids Dolly after Dolly Parton. They named one of their girls Dolly Rebecca Rose and the other Charlie Tamara Tulip. Yes, Dolly Rose and Charlie Tulip! I bet they can already play a banjo made out of fish gills, wear the fuck out of a bonnet and dance a jig. Beatrix Potter would be so proud!
Seriously, I don't mind the name Dolly........for a cat, a big-tittied legend, a cloned sheep or a sass-talking chipmunk. But not for a baby friend!
And Bronx Mowgli is still shaking his fist in the air, because his place as the poor child with the fugliest baby name is secure!