My eyes were hoping to read that "Rhynstone Sara Lee Hounsou" is the name of Kimodo Dragon's baby, but she has disappointed me. Kimora and Djimon actually gave their baby a cute name (or maybe I've had too much Sanka this afternoon). Page Six says their 4-day-old son has been named Kenzo Lee Hounsou.
They named him after fashion designer Kenzo Takada. Kenzo is Kimodo's third kid. She has two daughters with Russell Simmons, Ming Lee and Aoki Lee.
Kenzo, Ming and Aoki? Get out the spandex, alert Hello Kitty and roll out the synthesizer, because they will soon be the world's newest J-Pop sensation.
The sun is shining on Bronx Mowgli, because if this shit is true, he might not have the worst name in the Wentz-Simpson family for long! Star Magazine (via Ace Showbiz) is saying that Asshole Simpson is knocked up with her second babeh. Don't ask me how Ass and Pete continue to make babies together, because there's no way he has ever put his penis into her vagina. Every time he tries, he probably giggles so hard that he goes pee pee. And unless you're Kim Kardashian, piss on the pussay is a total mood killer.
Some source said that the new emofetus has only been marinating in there for a few weeks. Ass is apparently thrilled, because she thinks she will give birth to a magical Band-Aid that will fix her shitty marriage. The source went on, "She loves Pete and wants to hang on to him. She believes this second baby will really clinch the deal. He (Pete) thinks a second kid could change things for the worse. He doesn't want to be tied down and stuck at home all the time."
Everyone knows babies fix fucked up marriages! Their diarrhea is like glue! And their neverending screeches in the night is like a romantic lullaby that will make your husband fall in love with you all over again.
But who cares about that? I just care about the name! I hope they stick with the same theme.... I'm thinking Staten Island Baloo? New Jersey Turnpike Kaa? Queensborough Bridge King Louie? Or maybe Papa Joe will step up his baby whoring game and go for something like People Magazine Gerber Wentz-Simpson?
Here's the two prime candidates for sterilization at a T-Mobile event last night.
A while ago, Wanda Sykes announced that the peen wasn't for her and the vag is where it's at it. Now Wanda has announced that she is a mommy to not one, but two BABY!!! friends. Wanda and her wife, Alex, welcomed twins into this cruel world on April 27th. That's what her rep told People.
I didn't know Wanda was married either, but it's not like I'm all up in her life. Apparently, Wanda and Alex managed to make it legal on October 25, 2008 before Prop 8. crashed the party and killed the fun.
Wanda's wife gave birth to a girl they named Olivia Lou and boy they named Lucas Claude. "All are happy and healthy and at home," says Wanda's spokeswhore.
Yeah, normal names. What kind of GD celebrity does Wanda think she is? Didn't she get the memo that celebwhores are only allowed to give their babies names of things found in the produce section of your local grocery store? Or of Disney characters nobody cares about? Shit Wanda, get with the program.
But seriously, a million congratulations to Wanda, her wifey and their new bundles of diarrhea and barf. I'm sure she's happy now, but wait until they start ruining her wet dreams with their crying and eating her shoes. Oh, wait do babies eat shoes? That might only be puppies.
Tobey Maguire and his wife thing, Jennifer Meyer, had one of those baby creatures yesterday in Los Angeles. Methinks they both fell asleep during labor, because even they aren't susceptible to their own boredom. But thankfully, they woke up again and managed to push out their second BABY!!!!! Their spokeswhore told People that they had a baby boy. But of course, we don't know the name yet.
Tobes and Jenny already have a 2-year-old daughter they call Ruby. Does this mean they are going to name their son Diamante? Or maybe Rhinestone? Or Dazzles? Yeah, I fucking wish. They are going to bring the bores with a name like Jacob, which is the number one baby name of 2008. AGAIN.
Jacob has held the top spot for boy names for ten years. Jacob is always keeping Michael down. The name Michael hasn't been on top since '98. Which is funny because that's the last time this Michael was on top too if I ain't being too subtle. Yes, I always have to go THERE!
Click here to see the top BABY NAMES!!! of '08.
Chyler Leigh, who plays Dr. Lexie on Grey's Anatomy, popped out a baby girl today. Chyler and her husband, Nathan West, named the poor child Anniston Kae. This is the closest Jennifer Aniston will ever get to having a baby friend of her very own, right? Jen should send Chyler a fruit basket as a thank you.
A few months ago, Chyler said she was planning to name her baby Aniston, but I thought the trick was just telling jokes. Back then, Chyler said, “It was just something…my husband and I were trying to look for different names and both of our kids have a traditional and a unique name, so we were kind of just looking for something not as common."
Chyler and Nathan's other kids are named Noah Wilde and Taelyn Leigh.
Noah Wilde sounds dangerously close to Noah Wylie. It sounds like Chyler and Nathan like naming their kids after NBC stars. They are totally going to name their next kid Cox after Courtney Cox. Shit, that would've been better than Anniston Kae!
Josh Holloway from Lost and his wife Yessica brought their first baby, a girl, into this cruel world in Hawaii last week. A source close to Josh said the family is happy, healthy, blah...blah..blah... The source also told People they named their daughter Java Kumala Holloway.
Okay, this I don't get. Josh's wife's name is Yessica. Yessica has to be the greatest name right next to Concepcion. They should have named their baby Yessica! We need more Yessicas in this world. I mean, Java?! Really? However, it is a delicious name.
Try this today. Go to your nearest Starbucks, stroll up to the counter and say, "I'd like a Venti ice-blended Java Kumala Holloway with extra whip and chocolate drizzle." The Starbucks bitch won't even flinch while ringing you up.
Trista and Ryan, the mannequins made in the ABC Bachelorette Factory, had a baby child in Colorado yesterday. Their second baby child is female and they named her Blakesley Grace Sutter. No, I didn't drunk type that shit. They really named her Blakesley. I can't pronounce that shit without spraying my screen with jizz discharge. I'm guessing one of those dumb whores wanted Blake and the other skank really wanted Chelsy, so they married the two together. Those two pieces of boiled turnip probably thought it was so fucking ingenious.
Blakesley sounds like the name of a department store in the Midwest that is known for their extensive collection of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans as well as for their side-eye giving salespeople. It's Trista and Ryan's way of trying to be oh-so-different. Trista, stick to wearing red underwear on Sundays as a way to spice up your boring life and leave your child out of it!
Trista also felt like she should tell Life & Style that Blakesley will be her last child, because she's getting the Essure permanent birth control procedure. Damn! How many coins did Essure drop in Trista's purse to plug their asses? OctoMommy would be proud.
While she's at it, Trista should also get the STFU permanent procedure on her mouth.
Clay Gayken isn't the only ho who has the ability to shoot rainbows out of his glittery hole! Jamie Oliver's wife has the same gift. Jools Oliver gave birth to a little baby girl in London early this morning and they named the poor thing PETAL BLOSSOM RAINBOW. She is now the gayest baby in England.
Petal Blossom Rainbow (I get gayer every time I type that) joins Poppy Honey, 7, and Daisy Boo, 5, as the Oliver girls. Petal Blossom, Poppy Honey and Daisy Boo! They sound like Geldofs and that's not a good thing.
At least they already have their raver nicknames for when they get older, but I seriously CANNOT with those names. Sounding like the name of an Ecstasy pill is not cute.
My no-no is whistling the theme song to My Little Pony theme song for a good reason. Petal Blossom is the actual name of a My Little Pony. This baby is named after the gayest pony that ever lived! I'm kind of jealous actually.
And Sarah Jessica Parker's morning is not off to a good start. She better call up her lawyers, because this is copyright infringement!
When the rumor went around that M.I.A. named her little bundle of hipsterness Ickitt, she immediately pounced on her MySpace to shoot that shit down. TMZ says that according to his birth certificate, M.I.A.'s baby isn't an Ickitt, he's an Ikhyd. If we have to get detailed, his full name is Ikhyd Edgar Arular Bronfman. So, I'm guessing his name is pronounced Ick-heed? Totally different than Ick-ittt (as my eyes go 'round).
The bitch who originally leaked the name, probably has an extra perky tongue, so they gave us its instead of eeds. Bitch who originally leaked it, call me. That tongue sounds like the business.
And even though the name Ickhyd is dangerously close to sounding like a name dumb whores regularly call me in hate e-mails, I like it better than Ickitt. We can still call him Icky, but the itt part has gone far away.
Jenna Jameson's twin boys slid down her Drop Out coochie on Monday in Newport Beach and we finally know their names. Well, InTouch claims they know anyway. According to sources, Jenna and Baby Huety named their boys Jesse and Journey Jett. Journey fucking Jett. I guess Old Milwaukee Trans Am and Natty Ice Pinto were already taken in her family.
I mean, was Journey Jett born with a mullet and wearing a cut-off monster truck t-shirt? Poor kid probably already has a police record thanks to his name. That's a name a judge was meant to say. Damn, Jenna! And I bet you Sunbeam Bread stock is going to go through the fucking roof!
But then again, Journey is the greatest band ever. "Don't Stop Believing" can be played in church or at a strip club. It's the theme song of our lives!