Kelly Preston is three weeks away from NOT MAKING ONE SQUEAK while pushing out Suri Cruise's future arranged husband, but she already knows what name she's going to write on the birth certificate. John Travolta is in Australia without Kelly for Qantas' 90th anniversary party and he took a moment from tap dancing for peen in the men's room to tell Star Magazine what name they have chosen. Drum roll on your E-meter machine...
The baby friend's name will be: BENJAMIN TRAVOLTA!
I know, what a perfectly normal baby name. I'm almost as disappointed as John Travolta when he sticks his mouth on a glory hole and nothing pokes at his tongue. I mean, no Xenu Jr.? Or Irus (Suri backwards, duh)? Or L-Ro? Ugh. I want a refund.
Shortly after Céline Dion's double dose of baby came riding out of her womb on musical notes, her rep said that she needed some time with her husband René Angélil to come up with names. So Seeeeeelean sat in a darkened corner in a room in her Florida castle and held her twins tight while humming softly until a pair of names came to her.
Now, I was hoping that just like she did with her son René-Charles, she would give her twins names that make them sound like European gigolos who masquerade as counts to steal priceless gems from horny old rich ladies. I also was hoping that she'd at least throw a René in her twins' names so that one day they can form a family group called Céline and the 3 Renés. But no, Céline and René Angélil have named their twin boys Nelson and Eddy. instead Their names have nothing to do with Nelson Eddy. People explains:
The name "Eddy" comes from Eddy Marnay, who produced the singer's first five records. "He was like a father to her," says Dion's rep. "Eddy is a major influence in both Céline and René's lives."
Nelson is named after Nelson Mandela, whom Dion met two years ago while kicking off her world tour in South Africa. "René said that in just the few minutes they were able to spend with him, they were impressed by the human being he is," says the rep.
"Céline and René want their children to be inspired by their names, because they were so inspired by these men,"
Okay, but couldn't Céline put a little sparkle on it. You know, make the name kick you in the tonsils. Put a thrust on it. Saying their names should make you want to reach for a bag of Ricolas. Like Nélson and Éddy. There, that's better. See the different an accent makes!
The image of Alicia Keys pushing the pyramids, the Great Sphinx of Giza, a herd of camels and Charlton Heston as Moses out of her chocha is not what I wanted to toast my Friday night with, but now I am because she gave birth to a baby boy and named him Egypt Daoud Dean. What in the name of Tutankhamun's mummified taint is right...
Alicia's rep tells E! Online that Alicia and her husband Swizz Beatz welcomed a new kid into their arms in NYC last night. Her rep didn't have shit to say about the name Egypt, but they said that "Daoud, pronounced da-ood, is Arabic for David, and is Beatz's middle name."
Egypt is Alicia's first kid and is Swizz's fourth....that he knows of.
You know, I'm going to let the name go and let it scurry out the school yard, because that child has more serious shit to deal with right now. I mean, imagine opening up your eyes for the first time and seeing Swizz Beatz' toucan beak! Baby probably somehow learned how to do the Holy Mary thinking that beak was going to gobble him up. Or maybe he got excited thinking he's now gonna get a lifetime supply of Fruit Loops. Let's hope it was the latter.
Did you really think that a mother and father who named their daughters Petal Blossom Rainbow, Daisy Boo Pamela and Poppy Honey Rosie would hold back the fuckery when naming their first son? Of course not! Unfortunately, Jamie Oliver and his wife Jools didn't stick with the same theme by giving their 1-day-old son a name that sounds like a mid-priced body wash or a third-tier member of Strawberry Shortcake's entourage. But Jamie and Jools still made the hospital administrator throw them a "....the hell are you on?" look when they wrote the name BUDDY BEAR MAURICE on the birth certificate!
Jamie and Jools must have been cartoon hippie animals in a past life, because every one of their kids' names sounds like it fell out of a stoned Mother Goose's mouth. Buddy Bear Maurice is no exception. That mess is the nickname of an animated teddy bear gangster who drinks bottles full of honey and bets big at the fish fights.
I hope Buddy Bear Maurice wants to be a boxer circa 1962 when he grows up, because that's where he's headed with a name like that!
Here's the entire Oliver family showing off Buddy Bear Maurice (I weep for him whenever I type that) outside of the hospital in London this afternoon.
Who knew Winnie Cooper pledged her alligence to the Slytherins? Apparently she has, because Danica McKellar gave birth to a baby boy (I'd like to think Adult Kevin narrated her labor) on Tuesday night and named him DRACO VERTA. That sound you just heard was a million Harry Potter nerds ripping off a piece of scotch tape to hang a Winnie Cooper poster over their fanmade art of a nekkid Narcissa Malfoy.
Here's the statement to People from Danica and her husband Mike Verta:
"We are humbled, overjoyed and so grateful for this miraculous gift. It's like we've only now just learned the true meaning of love."
Winnie and Mike claimed they named their son after a constellation, but they don't need to hide their boner for Harry Potter from us. We're all friends.
To me, Draco Verta sounds like the name of an aria the vampire King of Mississippi sings to the crystal goblet containing the guts of his beloved in True Blood: The Opera. It also sounds like the name of a drugstore cologne that comes in a plastic dragon bottle. So what I'm saying is that the name Draco Verta works for me!
You're going to have to throw away the brow tweezers you got engraved with the name "Ronaldo" on it, because apparently that's not what Cristiano Ronaldo named his 1-month-old son. Cristiano's sister tells The Daily Telegraph that Crispy has given his son the name Cristiano Jr. I guess Cristianojesty was already taken. Crispy's sister said:
"The baby is doing very well. We are looking after him while Cristiano is away. He's called Cristiano just like his dad. "Cristiano chose the name but we like it. He looks like his father and like me. He has the same eyes. We don’t know the mother, we never met her."
It makes sense that Cristiano Jr. is named Cristiano Jr. I mean, Crispy Sr. has already hired Mimi's airbrusher to paint 6-pack abs on Crispy Jr. so his son can have a situation just like him! Crispy Sr. has already ordered a custom-made spray tanning playpen so that his son have a perfect "5-month-old orange left in the back of the fridge" complexion just like him! And Crispy Sr. has already already bought a pacifier that squirts lip gloss so that his son can have precious shiny lips just like him. So of course he's going to name his son after himself!
Here's more of Crispy Sr. flaunting his ebony toe nails while on vacation in NYC with his girlfriend. Before you start going on about how Crispy Sr. should be at home in Portugal with his new baby, think for a minute. Crispy Jr. is obviously not ready yet.. Do you really expect Crispy Sr. to spend an extended amount of time with a pasty baby with non-plucked brows?!
Top Chef's Padma Lakshmi gave birth to a baby girl in NYC on Saturday. The birth was sponsored by the makers of the GLAD family of products. Padma's rep had this to say to People about her client's new baby friend:
"Model, author and Emmy-nominated host of Top Chef Padma Lakshmi gave birth to a baby girl named Krishna Thea Lakshmi on Saturday. Mother and baby are well and happy."
You better believe that Padma has already made Krishna spit sign a confidentiality agreement forbidding her to reveal her daddy's name to the media. If you ask Padma who the father of her baby is, she'll douse you in tomato-kombu sauce and tell Tom Coliccho that dinner is served.
And I'm guessing that in an upcoming episode of Top Chef, one of the quickfires will be to make an amuse bouche out of Padma's placenta. Okay, okay, I'm packing my knives and I'm going....
You know those goth rockabilly kids in junior high school who carried around Nightmare Before Christmas lunchboxes, painted fake tattoo on their bodies with Sharpies, regularly went to the nurse for their "cutting" problem, hung out at Disneyland on the weekend to be ironic and wrote poetry based on the musical lyrics of The Smiths?
Well, they grew up, got engaged to each other, had a baby, and named him SIN HALO JUDE. I'm pretty sure "SIN HALO" is also a promo code you enter at HotTopic.com to get free shipping if you spend $100 or more.
If you watch Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker, then you know of Patti Stanger's assistants Destin and Rachel. The HotTopic-ites are engaged, and they recently brought this little baby into the world. They say that they decided to name Sin Halo, because they think everybody has good and bad in them. Rachel went on to tell Life & Style, “My parents hate the name Sin Halo."
By the look on Sin Halo's face, I'm pretty sure he hates the name Sin Halo too.
John Rich, one half of the country duo Big & Rich, and his wife welcomed a baby boy on Sunday in Nashville. And they welcomed the poor kid by naming him CASH RICH. That's no fucking welcome. John has been keeping that name in his pocket for years. IN THIS ECONOMY, that name sounds a little cocky. Layaway Plan, Rent-To-Own or Credit Rich would've been more appropriate.
I'm a little surprised that John didn't go all the way by naming his son Ca$h Money Rich. I'm sure John entertained the idea, but that Ke$ha urchin probably threatened to barf in his closet or brush his teeth with a bottle of Jack if he went through with it.
So based on his name, Cash Rich is either going to be a used car salesman or a trailer park pimp. Or he can team up with Matthew McConaughey's nephew Miller Lyte and form the country's premiere white rapping duo (who only plays county fair pre-parties and Spears family reunions). Bubba Sparxxx is on line one.
Bronx Mowgli has been challenged! The Los Angeles Times brings us the news that Johnny Knoxville's girlfriend Naomi Nelson gave birth to a baby boy on Sunday night. Their new baby weighed in at 8 lbs. and they have named him...ROCKO AKIRA CLAPP. None of that is a typo. This must be just another gory Jackass stunt. Rocko Akira Clapp is the same noise Steve-O made when he swallowed that goldfish and then threw it up.
Johnny's government name is Phillip John Clapp, so you can't really blame him for using the last name Knoxville. But why must he put his kid through that. Clapp is bad enough, but pairing it with Rocko makes it sound like something a nurse practitioner at the free clinic diagnoses you with after admitting that you let Gerard Butler wiggle the tip in. Poor child.
Johnny also has a 13-year-old daughter named Madison from his ex-wife. You know Madison has not stopped pointing and laughing at Rocko Clapp since Sunday.