Baby Names

If you're birthing out a baby this week and plan to name it either Corky Sherwood or Waldo Faldo, then you better copyright it now, because obviously the theme of the week is naming your kid after 90s sitcom characters. Posh & Becks already showed their love for George Costanza by naming their first daughter Harper Seven, and now Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy have shown us which Friends character is their favorite. No, not Smelly Cat. I wish. Matt Tweeted this immortal words that will haunt his son until the kid learns how to fill out a name-changing form on his own.

So happy! Just had a baby boy, Bingham "Bing" Hawn Bellamy. Born 7Ib 12Oz, on 9th July.

BINGHAM BING HAWN BELLAMY?! Your child's name should not sound like a tongue twisting exercise a theater geek does before taking the stage in their high school production of Pride & Prejudice. If you typed the name "Bingham Hawn Bellamy" into BING it will automatically direct you to the website thefuckiswrongwithyourstupidass.com. Ask Jeeves Hawn Bellamy would've been better since bitches only use BING to find free porn and cat pictures. Bing Bellamy was probably John Waters' first choice of a name for Corny Collins in Haispray.

But let me look at the bright side of things, if an O pushed the I out of the way and took its place, his name would be BONG BELLAMY. Doesn't that have a beautiful ring to it? Or maybe I inhaled my last toke too fast and I really am just hearing bells ring.

via ONTD

Posh gave birth to half of her weight this morning and now David Beckham has told us on his Facebook page the name that will be glued onto a panda fur Christmas stocking in canary diamonds next to the stockings of Cruz, Romeo and Juliet. Without further adieu:

I am so proud and excited to announce the birth of our daughter Harper Seven Beckham. She weighed a healthy 7lbs 10oz and arrived at 7.55 this morning, here in LA. Victoria is doing really well and her brothers are delighted to have a baby sister xx

HARPER SEVEN?! If seven crime-fighting mockingbird superheroes formed a group, they would call that shit Harper Seven. If Harper's Bazaar created a Cylon based on Caprica Six for some reason, they'd name that ho Harper Seven. If Valerie Harper created her own cocktail using Sandy Duncan's tears and 7up, she'd call that shit Harper 7.

Apparently, they gave Harper the middle name of Seven, because 7 was the number on Becks' old Manchester United jersey. And because Seven was born in the seventh month, during the 7th hour, weighed 7 pounds and was born to a skeleton wrapped in alien skin who inhales 7 calories a week and sacrificed 7 virgins to the devil in exchange for a permanent opposite smile on her face. But we all know the real reason why Posh & Becks named her Harper SEVEN! Because they want to make George Costanza weep!

Or maybe they're just trying to outdo Six LeMeure from Blossom. Didn't work.

via UsWeekly

Natalie Portman gave birth to a future Harvard valedictorian, Nobel Peace Prize recipient, savior of the animals and Oscar-winning human almost a month ago and we haven't heard one thing about any of them. No pictures of Natalie smiling next to her perfect human baby and the completed illustrated book report he did on Pride & Prejudice in his own drool for fun. No talk of how Natalie's perfect human baby has already discovered the cure for cancer in his own piss. We don't even know his name! We don't know if she named him Natalie Portman's Perfect Baby Portman-Millipied or Hebrew National Dijon Portman-Millipied. But when you don't say shit, you can always count on your relatives to say shit for you.

One of Natalie's cousins tells an Israeli newspaper (via ONTD) that she's given her baby the name of:

ALEF!!!!!!

Alef is "A" in the Hebrew alphabet and apparently also means leader.

How is it pronounced? Is it pronounced "a leaf"? You know, like the thing Natalie pulls from the tree in her backyard and nibbles on in the middle of the field with a side of sun-baked sprouts as the woodland creatures happily dance around her because she's not eating their asses? Or is it pronounced "a lef." You know, like what Natalie is going to scream out at nobody in particular when Benjamin eventually twirls out of her life to get with a hotter slut in a tutu? "OH MY GAW! Benjamin A LEF ME!!!" No, since this is Natalie's baby, I'm pretty sure we have to pronounce it as: "our lord and savior."

Anyway, the name Alef Millipied is so Natalie (see: pretentious as fuck) and surprisingly I don't want to hiss at it. But maybe that's because if you drop the "e" in Alef, you'll have the name of a cat-eating hairy alien with a bread loaf nose.

But first! We're going to need some theme music to go with this post. Hit it!

Alicia Silverstone is a mom! YAY! Now turn that YAY upside down and you'll get the word that will come out of your mouth after finding out what she named her baby. By the way, YAY upside down is ʎɐʎ, which means "huh" in Hebrew. Alicia and her husband Christopher Jarecki tell People that she birthed out her first vegan baby friend last Thursday and they have named him:

Bear Blu Jarecki

BEAR! Bear is what you describe yourself as on your Manhunt profile when you've got hair on your shoulders and a fupa that won't be ignored. Bear is also what you name your Golden Retriever if you want to be the 123,965th person at your vet's office who has a dog named Bear. Bear blew sounds like what one of John Travolta's sauna hookers writes on his client profile under "describe his performance." Bear Blu is not what you name a baby!

What the hell kind of quinoa is Alicia snorting?

The Social Security Administration released their annual list of the most popular baby names in the country and the top 10 has pretty much remained unchanged from last year. Jacob and Isabella continue to reign at the top followed by Ethan, Sophia, Michael, Emma, Jayden, Olivia, William, Ava, Alexander, Emily, Noah, Abigail, Daniel, Madison, Aiden, Chloe, Anthony and Mia.

That reads like the roll call list of every private pre-school in the Boston area. This list also confirms that I will once again suffer through dozens of whiplash accidents after some ho screams out "MICHAEL!!!" to her brat in the grocery store. You'd think that by now I'd only respond to my adopted first name of HO and my adopted last name of ORE, but I can't help it. It's a tick. If you ever want to fuck some shit up, just shout "MICHAEL!!!" into a crowd and watch a wave of dumb ass Michaels crack their neck bones from whipping around. It can be your new favorite sport.

The SSA also released the names that jumped the furthest up the list. These are names that are usually popular in pop culture. That list is as follows:

Girls:
1. Maci
2. Giuliana
3. Tiana
4. Quinn
5. Adalynn

Boys
1. Bentley
2. Kellan
3. Knox
4. Enzo
5. Karter

Maci is the name of one of MTV's Teen Moms and Bentley is her son's name. Kellan is probably popular because of human muscle Kellan Lutz and Knox of course is one of Brangelina's chosen twins. Lauren Wattenberg, an expert on baby names, predicts that 2011 will see even more lop-headed hos naming their babies after reality stars. Lauren put it like this to MSNBC: "This will be the year people pay attention to the effect that reality TV has on baby names. A pregnant teenager is America's top name-style maven. We like names that feel familiar, but we don't actually know anybody with that name. Familiar but fresh."

I'm really not one to bitch since if I had a kid I'd name them Cristal Nomi, but Showgirls is the most important cinematic experience ever produced and Teen Mom is merely one of MTV's crotch berries that will pop in a few months and disappear forever. But you know what won't disappear? The tragic fact that you named your baby after one of those whores!

But I am not losing complete faith in our people. There are no signs of Snooki on the list and I'm just going to tell myself that people named their child Bentley after Bentley from The Jeffersons and not after a baby from Teen Mom.

If you're like me, then you've been clenching your nalgas together in anticipation of the names Mimi and Nick Cannon bestowed upon their baby boy and baby girl. So without further ado, you can finally unclench, because they have named them:

Moroccan Scott Cannon

and

Monroe Cannon

The names "Divaboo Honey Heart" and "Unicorniah Lambow" WERE ROBBED! But this is almost just as good, because CNN says Mimi named her son "Moroccan" after the name of her favorite room in her NYC penthouse. BITCH NAMED HER BABY AFTER A ROOM! It could've been a lot worse, though. Mimi could've named him after her second favorite room in her penthouse: The Rainbow Loo. Actually, Rainbow Loo would've been better than Morrocan.

Moroccan's middle name is also Nick's middle name. As for the completely unoriginal girl name of Monroe, Mimi says it's an honor of her idol Marilyn Monroe. Butterfly please, we all know that Mimi really named her after Monroe Ficus.

Even though the school yard bullies are obviously going to call the boy twin "Moroniccan" and "Moroccan Scott" sounds like a sex act involving a hookah pipe, these names are pretty tame for Mimi. They don't sound like citizens of Lisa Frankland who spend their summers in the Land of Caring. There will be a lot of butterflies out there who won't even muster out one flutter today, because they're sad that Mimi didn't name one of her twins after them. Butterfly betrayal is the worst.

Since Mimi has obviously put a price tag on the names of her twin unicornlets and is waiting to debut them on Tabloid Wednesday, somebody has to entertain us with baby name foolery and Antonio Sabato Jr. is just that somebody! Antonio's girlfriend Cheryl Moana Marie Nunes birthed out her first and his third child on Sunday. Antonio and Cheryl gave him a perfectly boring first name, but then they really brought the long-winded Hawaiian DRAMA with his first middle name. Dude's middle name is so long that they needed a 2-page birth certificate and several BIC pens to get it all out. It's also a true fact that I had to take a break and shaky out my hand while copying and pasting his middle name for this post. Aaaaaaaand their baby's name is:

Antonio Kamakanaalohamaikalani Harvey Sabato III was born at approximately 10:30 p.m. on Sunday. The newborn's first middle name is Hawaiian and means "a beloved gift from the heavens."

Check out photos of Antonio Sabato Jr.

"Antonio and Cheryl are both well and couldn't be happier about the new addition to their family," Sabato's rep said in a statement to People.

Kamakanaalohamaikalani! If you say that three times really fast, not only will your jaw quit your face, but a lightning bolt from the Tiki Gods may strike you down or White Oprah will show up at your feet thinking you just ordered three dozen kamikaze shots. That's a middle name that even Jambi the Genie can't say without stretching out his tongue first.

Did I mention I absolutely love it! Mostly because Kamakanaalohamaikalani is the sound Antonio's crazy stalker ex-wife Tully made while bawling and shaking over this news.

via TV Guide

Kyla Weber's vagina went through some serious shit for the second time this year (the first being Vince Vaughn's furry [you know it is] peen) when she birthed out a healthy baby girl in Chicago on Saturday morning. Kyla and Vince must've been high on placenta fumes or something when they wrote their new daughter's name on the birth certificate, because this is what one of their hands scrawled out: LOCKLYN KYLA VAUGHN. That sounds like the name of a Loch Ness monster-themed casino in Laughlin, NV.

Somewhere a future bully just smiled in his crib. People has this to say about Locklyn's birf:

Locklyn Kyla Vaughn, who weighed 7 lbs. and measured 20 inches long, was born at a hospital in Chicago, Vaughn's hometown. The actor's rep confirms the good news.

"Both of them couldn't be happier to welcome their sweet little girl into their family!" says a friend of the couple's.

It's a first child for both Vaughn, 40, and Weber, a Canadian real estate agent, who married in January 2010.

On a positive note, if she ever wants to open a dance studio she can name it Pop and Locklyn. But seriously, doesn't Vince know that you should stay away from names that make it easy for bullies to twist around and use it to their advantage? Although, I'd probably say "thank you" if my bullies called me Cocklyn.

(Image via Fame Pictures)

Seen here posing on the set of a tampon commercial (or in one of JLo's dressing rooms), Celine Dion debuts her bright shiny new twin angels to the woooooorld! And guess what? They look like babies! Babies that I'm sure Pepaw Rene is throwing subtle undercover shade at since they have more hair on their heads than he does.

Celine's 2-month-old BABY!!! boys have so much pose to give that Hello! Canada gave them a 20 page spread. Have you been itching to see Celine's twins various nap positions (SPOILER ALERT: They have 4)? Hello will give you that! Are you curious to see her twins' "Should I fart or should I piss first?" facial expressions? Hello will give you that too! I mean, they have 20 damn pages to cover!

In between posing with her twins on a fluffy white cloud imported from heaven, Celine talked to the magazine and explained why she named her twins Nelson and Eddy. From HuffPo:

Dion, who with husband Rene Angelil has a nine-year old son named named Rene-Charles, spent years trying to get pregnant again, going through IVF treatments and suffering a miscarriage. So the couple wanted to give the twins meaningful names.

"We met with Nelson Mandela and spent some time with him at his house when we started Celine's world tour," Rene said. "Eddy is an homage to Eddy Marnay," he added, referring to the songwriter that wrote Dion's first five albums and died a few years ago.

That's a nice tribute. But you know Celine's ass really named them after Edy's coconut bars and Nelson Muntz. Who wouldn't?

Never mind that Pink is dressed like a cholita clown extra in a Cirque du Soleil production of Mi Vida Loca (they should really get on that), one of her true gifts is naming babies. Who knew? If Pink was in charge of naming every single baby, we'd have a bunch of toddlers with names usually found on White Oprah's grocery list. This is a good thing. Pink still has about 6 more months of pregnancy to go, but she tells Access Hollywood that she and Carey Hart already have picked out the name Jameson if they have a boy.

“My dad’s name is James, and my brother’s name is Jason. [Carey and I] are both Irish, Carey’s middle name is Jason, [and] Jameson – we like whiskey. That’s a no brainer.”

Naming your child after booze? This is brilliant. It's also a valid reason for having kids. Then I could have a little baby Ron Vicaro and a little baby Bombay Sapphire crawling around. Don't worry, I'd pull a Pink and tell everyone my second cousin's middle name is "Ron" and "Bombay" was the name of my mom's childhood cat, or something like that.