The View

This morning on The View, crazy old Barbara Walters said, "Why do people want to be on MyFace?" Because your Twatter is always down, Babs.

P.S. - Pouring a mixture of industrial-grade bleach, OxiClean and Ammonia on a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, then rubbing it on your forehead doesn't kill the mental images. I tried.

Not even Cornify-ing Hasselcrack can make her sunnier and prettier. I fucking tried.

You know, it's been a while since I've posted a classic Hasselcrack moment, but she gave us one The View this morning. The topic was Ashley Judd's PSA where she bitch slaps Sarah Palin for killing woofies from the sky. Hasselcrack, defender of all things Palin, asked if Ashley also defends the hundreds of thousands of babies killed in abortions each year. When Joy Behar verbally punched her in the teeth by telling her to stay on topic, Hasselcrack asked if she was at the Socialist table? And just when I was about to scream "Ladies and whores, we've got a catfight!", Whoopi went to commercial. Whoopi always has to leave me with blue balls!

I don't even know why I watch The View anymore. Soon, I'm not going to have any teeth left, because I'm constantly grinding that shit when I listen to Hasslecrack's yappy ass voice. I just want to take that bedskirt she was wearing, wrap it around her mouth, throw her in a Bed Bath & Beyond discount bin and pray that someone buys her ass to stick under their mattress forever.

Hmmm...but then who would feed me my morning dose of rage?!

First of all, sorry my shit is slower than usual with the posts this afternoon. My internet is being so gross right now. I have until the 15th to pay the bill before they shut me down! Damn them! Somebody please get Kanye West to call Time Warner Cable for me and tell them to eat shit and die.

Anytimewarnerisgrossy, this morning on The View, crazy Barbara Walters talked about her Sirius radio interview last night with crazy Paula Abdul. If only Ty Ty Banks was there to complete the trifecta of craziness.

Paul Abdul went on a trainwreck rant about how Fox, the American Idol producers and Simon Cowell tried to destroy her career with the whole Paula Goodspeed incident. Paula Goodspeed was the Idol contestant who later committed suicide in front of Paula's house. Paula claims Goodspeed stalked her for 17 years. When Goodspeed was a contestant on the show, the producers were well aware that she was harassing and threatening Paula, but they allowed her to come on because it would make great TV.

Paula said she looks like a drunk crazy head on the show, because Simon is always talking shit in her ear! Um. That's not Simon, Paula. Those are the other voices in your head.....

Barbara thinks that the new season of Idol will be Paula's last.

Paula ended the interview with some words of insane wisdom: "I put up with so much BS that I had to crawl on my belly, but I rise like a Phoenix!!!"

Well, she's crawling on her belly because of the downers. They can do that sometimes. And I'm guessing the uppers help her rise like a Phoenix.

Paula can't leave Idol! American Idol without Paula is like Simon without his moobs! During every episode, beautiful Vicodin gems cascade out of her mouth and create a puddle of craziness below her. Who else on that show can do that?

Barbara Walters said on "The View" yesterday that she wished that "lady" (aka Rosie O) would keep her pussy vacuum closed about her time on the show. Rosie O can never be silenced, so she responded on her blog. In the clip above, Rosie watches the clip of B.Walt while making curious faces. These are probably the same facial expressions I made when I first got my no-no tickled. I went from being confused to being surprised to completely giving in.

After she finished watching the clip, Rosie said, "“I do not know what Star Jones and Debbie Matenopoulos did, but oooooh, LADY… she is pissed off!” Haha. Cue laugh track. Blah blah blah.... Instead of leaving it at that, Rosie kept blabbing about it on Conan O'Brien last night.

The sarcasm came pouring out of her mouth hole when told Conan, "Listen, I don't want to dump on the show in order to benefit my own career, you know, to use it for publicity because I didn't have a career before that show. So, I'm very thankful to The View for the help that it's given me in my life. And I'm a big fan of the program and the producer."

I wish Babs would respond to this shit on "The View" this morning, but she probably forgot all about it already. When she watched Conan last night, she made a mental note to talk about that "LADY" on the show again, but then something shiny caught her eye and she totally forgot about it. Instead of talking about that "LADY" this morning, she's going to talk about the pretty shiny thing that mesmerized her last night.

This morning on "The View," B. Walt told the former "ladies" of the show to shut their beaver traps and move on with their lives. It's pretty that obvious that Barbara was talking to Rosie O'Donnell.

Yesterday, while promoting her variety show, Rosie told the L.A. Times that Barbara "wanted everyone to believe and think and act as if [the women on 'The View'] get along and are really good friends and happy and hang out together, and, you know, that's just not the reality. I'm not saying they loathe each other, but the fact of the matter is there was not a lot of camaraderie off camera."

Babs, who wore some bows from my mom's Christmas decorations box, said this shit this morning: "If the shoe fits lady...laaadeeeeez....get on with your lives. We are not perfect. We are not always happy, but we're pretty good!"

Translation: STEP OFF ROSIE or Babs will sic her dentures on you!

Of course, Hasselcrack had to chime in. The dumb bitch actually said, "To do what we do every day takes a certain amount of respect across the table."

The things this ho says! This bitch wouldn't know respect if it pulled the stick out of her ass and then butt fucked her senselessly!

P.S. - Tell Sherri to take off those clip-on bangs ASAP. It's not working.

Thomas Beatie, the Pregnant dude, is once again a pregnant dude! Barbara Walters dropped this shit on "The View" today. He's one fertile trannydude. The no-uterus in body jumped when Babwa said it.

Thomas barely popped out a baby girl named Susan this past June. In an interview with Babwa airing tomorrow night on ABC, Thomas and his wife Nancy told her they are going to have their second kid this June!

Above is Barbara announcing it this morning and they also showed a few clips from her interview with Pregnant Dude. I need to take him shopping, because he needs to give that shirt back to the 90s boy band member he took it from.

BABIES!! BABIES!!! Shit, I think I'm the only bitch on the planet who isn't fucking knocked up. I better shove a Cabbage Patch Doll up my ass, so that I can give birth to it. That way I won't feel like I'm missing out.

Elisabeth Hasslecrack put herself together this morning after exploding last night, dressed herself in mourning black, popped a few Valiums, rehearsed her speech in the mirror, adjusted the stick in her ass and then went to work.

On "The View" this morning, Hasselcrack put on a fake face and said she would support Obama as our new president. I could almost hear the chorus of screams coming out of her ears.

Don't worry. This bitch will be back to her old whining tricks tomorrow.

After Hasslecrack spoke out of her ass and fisted everyone around the table, Sherri Shepherd gave her thoughts. Sherri usually makes my eyelashes fall out, but I felt something tingly in my dead heart when listening to her talk. I even felt something watery coming out of my eyes. I don't like that feeling, so I had to rewind to watch Hasselcrack again, so that my dead heart could return to its charcoal state.

Before all this election crap, what did the babbling hens on "The View" bitch about? And when it's all over, what the hell are they going to queef about next? Knowing Hasselcrack, she'll just giving bringing up the same shit as she always does. I must say that when she opens her pie hole, I start to smile, because I know the wolves will devour her.

The election is almost over, but it was fighting as usual on today's show. It started how it always starts. Hasselcrack goes caca from her mouth and then the other three tag team her until Whoop goes to commercial and the argument abruptly ends.

Today, they argued about Palin, Ayers, Wright, blah...blah.. blah... It erupted with all of them yelling at Hasselcrack, which sounds like a bunch of squealing pigs fighting over the last chunky butt pebble.

They really need a kindergarten teacher to come in and teach them how to let everyone have their turn when speaking. Fuck. They should pull the rod out of Hasselcrack's ass and use that as a talking stick!

Above is a shorter clip from today's crap and click here to see the longer part.

It was bitchness as usual on "The View" yesterday. They went at it about political crap, Elisabeth Hasselbeck offered Joy some "Obama Kool-Aid" (delicious!) and then Barbara Walters told everyone about the complaints they received about the McCain t-shirt Elisabeth wore on Tuesday. She designed it herself! Why so talented, Hasselbeck?!

During the conversation about the t-shirt, Joy said Elisabeth was promoting shit and that's not right. Elisabeth responded by saying that Joy promotes her politically-natured stand-up shows all the time, so it's the same thing. Well.....when the cameras went off, the bitch fight cunt-cunt-cuntinued. C-Word slip!

According to Defamer, Joy went after Elisabeth backstage for making the comment about whoring out her stand-up shows. A witness says that Joy shouted at Elisabeth, "If you do that again I will burn you down." Joy, I got a match if you got the time!

Elisabeth turned red and tried to respond, but Joy stopped her and yelled, "Shut the fuck up!" Joy exited the war zone, leaving Elisabeth by herself.

Don't these bitches know that they can't fight unless the cameras are around! That needs to be put in their contract. Better yet, they should start airing a "View" reality show. And Elisabeth should know better than to cry off camera.

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It's a new day, which means the cuckoo hens on "The View" have gone crazy again. This morning, they all started talking about how the presidential campaign has gotten so dirty and the past keeps being brought up...blah...blah...blah... It was all pretty normal until Elisabeth Hasselbeck called Rev. Wright a "hate monger." I'm not really sure what they said after that, because I immediately went to my kitchen to pop some popcorn and grab a Diet Rite. When I got back, Sherri was losing her piss on Elisabeth! Barbara finally stepped in and told them all to shut the fuck up. Instead of listening to her den memaw, Elisabeth kept on, kept on. They need to give these bitches their own channel!

The only thing that pissed me off is when they went to commercial, they came back and talked about "Dancing with the Has-Beens" instead of showing an oil wrestling match between Sherri and Elisabeth.