White Oprah's going to need a longer mantel, because here's another gorgeous mug shot of Lindsay Lohan to add to the collection. While throwing a wonked-up look that says "Can we hurry this mess up? It's almost happy hour" and wearing a jacket that tells me she definitely robbed a little league coach before she got to the police station, LiLo posed for the mug shot camera today. Even though LiLo should've tamed her weave in her dressing room at the police station (she has one, right?), this might be one of her best glamour shots yet. Beat that camera with your eyes, bitch.
TMZ says that LiLo visited her old friends at the police station today to be booked for pleading "no contest" to reckless driving and lying to the cops. LiLo showed up, gave them FACE! and then sashayed out. TMZ also says that she won't begin her 90 days in locked down rehab until May.
Here's a few of LiLo's past mug shots. We're one mug shot closer to getting a whole calendar. Her newest one can be September since it's very back to school. Speaking of school, I'm sure LiLo now has more mug shots than yearbook photos. White Oprah will drink to that!
The place to be on Saturday morning was in front of Bungalo Bar on Mississippi Avenue in Portland, because Beth Ditto of The Gossip was out on the street drunkenly declaring her love for Obama while kicking her shoes off. Somewhere Beyonce is pfft-ing at all of this, because not a day goes by when she isn't drunkenly declaring her love for Obama while ripping her wig off.
Willamette Week (via Kelly Green Blog) says that around 1am on Saturday, Beth Ditto was turning it loose at Bungalo Bar and she wanted to fill her veins with more drops of the sweet nectar when the bartender said the five dreaded words every party time bitch hates to hear: "You is cut off, slut!" Beth didn't let that slow her roll down. She walked out of the bar, kicked off her shoes and sashayed into the middle of the street while screaming, "Obama! Obama!" Beth's friends were trying to get her into the car when the cops showed up and ruined the party.
The cops were already down the street arresting some dude for tagging a wall, so they saw Beth screaming in the middle of the street. They arrested her and charged her with second-degree disorderly conduct.
If anybody deserved to be arrested, it was those cops. How unpatriotic of them to arrest a drunken ho who is doing some belated campaigning for Obama. America is supposed to be the land of the free and the definition of "free" is screaming in the middle of the street while drunk off your ass. But even though Beth's buzz was killed, she still kept it glamorous for the cameras. She looks like a chola who rolled out of bed, quickly dressed up her eyelids with a Sharpie and then walked on over to the corner bakery to buy some pan dulce for her vato. Early morning chola stunningess.
35-year-old Tracy Mabb took this glamour shot after getting arrested in Pompano Beach, FL yesterday and she was put into handcuffs for one of the following reasons:
1. Falsely impersonating Chris Crocker.
2. Getting high on bath salts and trying to eat a man's face before realizing she didn't have her dentures on.
3. She's the Alabama Leprechaun.
4. She stood on the side of the highway, pulled up her shirt dress and gave the drivers a free "pussy and titty" rub show.
The answer should be #1, but it's obviously #4. Miss Tracy exposed her all-natural sexiness on the side of the highway and the motorists should've thrown their wallets at her for giving them some real entertainment, but those beauty-hating bitches called the police instead. When the police told her to cover her titties, she responded like the true lady of grace and eloquence she is by shouting, "I don't give a fuck!" The police weren't charmed by that and they arrested her on the spot. Miss Tracy was charged with exposing her goodies and is currently being held on $600 bail.
So let me get this straight. Florida was going to let OctoMom shake her titties on a stage, but they arrest this modern day crackhead Venus for beautifying the highways with glamour? Oh, Florida...
via WPTV.com (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)
Lisa Robin Kelly, better known as Laurie #1 on That '70s Show, found her ratty tatty ass in front of a mug shot camera yet again after she allegedly Ike Turnered her man. TMZ says that the L.A. County Sheriff's Department arrested Lisa Robin at around 12:50 this morning for felony spousal abuse. Lisa Robin is currently sitting in a jail cell and waiting for someone, anyone (I'm looking at you, Eric) to pay her $50,000 bail.
Lisa Robin Kelly is (allegedly) in the wrong for (allegedly) scrappin' on her man, but the cops should be charged with cruel and unusual punishment for putting ole' girl in front of a mug shot camera with her brows telling conflicting stories. Lisa's right brow is saying "GUILTY!!" and her left brow is saying "NOT GUILTY!!!" Or maybe her left brow is saying, "Help me! Half of me was blown up in a meth lab explosion and I'm afraid she's going to finish me off!" I have a hard time reading brows in distress.
Yes, even if they allowed Lisa Robin to restore her left brow, she'd still look like Smeagol Goldie Hawn (or the meth baby of Rodney Dangerfield and Nicole Richie), but they should've given her a chance. It's hard to put your best mug shot beauty face forward when your left brow looks like a literal poop noodle. This is why every earthquake kit, First Aid kit and emergency kit should have a brow pencil in it. Brows are not a privilege, they're a right! Shame on the LAPD for doing this to a ho.
Lindsay Lohan is one flash closer to dethroning Khia as the mug shot queen (and also one flash closer to becoming the new Faces of Meth timeline) thanks to this glamour portrait she posed for yesterday afternoon after Judge Stephanie Sautner took back her probation again and ordered her into a pair of handcuffs (which I hope she stole and stashed in her chonies to sell on eBay later). This is the sixth (the fifth one we've seen) picture of pride that is sitting inside of a frame on White Oprah's mantel. I have to say this isn't LiLo's best work in front of the mug shot camera. You can give better mug shot, bitch!
The good news is that somebody took a Baby Wipe and some Desitin to those diarrhea streaks that were scooted on her cheeks. The bad news is that this is some Who Ya Gonna Call? shit. Bitch looks like she should have one of those red NO symbols over her for several reasons. It's like Lurch time warped into the early 80s for some good coke. One cheek is stepping to the left and the other cheek is stepping to the right.
Meanwhile, as soon as LiLo stomped on the floor of the courthouse, out came a pussy-kicking roach who ran straight to the media to give his expert opinion on why his daughter's teeth look like she's rinsing her mouth out with the water from a broken toilet in a rest stop bathroom. Michael Lohan said this to Jane Velez-Mitchell on her HLN (via Radar) show yesterday:
“She’s an addict, she doesn’t care and she’s in denial. She’s smoking either crack or meth, either one or the other. I’m not going to shade it. I want her in a treatment program for a year. Nothing is going to change in her life. She’s going to be appearing before judges in the future if she doesn’t get help, instead of doing community service in the morgue she’s going to wind up in the morgue."
I'm not one to defend LiLo's dumb bitch crack antics, but if I had a father who looked like the dried foreskin from a turtle's dick and couldn't stop opening his trash hole to the media about what a fucked up mess I am, I would permanently move into a sauna that only puffed out crack smoke. Oh, fuck me in the think hole, I just gave LiLo an idea.
That little blank space on Khia's mug shot gallery was making me itch and so the OCDer deep in me thanks her for doing something about it by getting busted in Dekalb County, Georgia over the weekend. My favorite poet and the mug shot supermodel graced the police station camera with her pose skills after she was arrested for "concealing/endangering property-secured interest." Straight from the A translated that into real talk: Bitch hid a car she owed payments on. Sonia from Operacion Repo is coming for you, Khia! Hopefully, Sonia also repossess Khia's gremlin brows while she's at it.
Khia posted $500 bail and was released back into the wild, but not before she gave the world her latest:
You never thought you'd see Elmer Fudd as Annie, did you? Khia is a true chameleon.
Every Glamour Shots should be shut down and replaced with Khia's Academy of Mug Shot Glamour, because there are some sad and dusty mug shot takers out there (Lindsay Lohan) who could use her expertise and learn how to smile like it's first grade picture day or some shit.
When you willingly choose Flo Rida as your stage name, you are just opening your arms wide and embracing the spirit of fresh foolery. It's like letting fuckery put its open palm on your forehead and bless you.
Radar reports that Flo Rida (born name: Tramar Dillard) sang "clink can't handle me now" all the way to the police station in Miami early this morning after he was caught driving his $1.7 million Bugatti while under the influence of the sweet nectar. Anybody who isn't tanked themselves can look at Flo Rida's mug shot and know that he's drunk from the bottom up, so the police breathalyzed his ass a quick minute after they pulled him over. Flo Rida tried to convince the cops that he could drive himself home, but it was game over as soon as he blew a .185%. It was double game over when the cops found out that his drivers license was taken away last month.
Flo Rida has since paid his $2,000 bail and was released.
Dr. Obvious says that if you can afford payments on a $1.7 million car, then you can afford to take a cab home. This Fark Tag motherfucker with fetus toes for earlobes, I can't. I've always said that fools who paint on their hairlines and geometry test beards with a protractor and a black marker (not a Sharpie) are no good.
26-year-old Randon Reid was arrested in Deer Valley, Arizona this past weekend and it wasn't for scaring the public by making a "Beavis on the wrong kind of crack" face. Randon was arrested after he shot at a private plane at Deer Valley Airport. At least, police say he fired at a private plane, but Randon would probably tell you that he shot at a flying dinosaur who stole his stash of smile powder. I mean, that is definitely a face that meth and coke built together.
MyFoxPhoenix says that Randon drove away after the solo shootout, but the cops got a good look at his license plate number and later arrested him at his home. Randon was booked on aggravated DUI and felony flight charges. And Randon was obviously happy about this shit, which is why he's smiling like a piranha staring at dangling feet.
The most disturbing part is that my kindergarten picture is almost identical to this meth (I meant to type "mess" but "meth" makes more sense) of a mug shot. Yeah, in kindergarten, nobody taught me that when it comes to smiling, less is less crazy looking.
Out of all the things that Flavor Flav could be arrested for (examples: overpopulating the world, smothering his teeth with gold foil, introducing humanity to New York, motorboating Gitte with his chin on camera, etc...) the cops busted him for in Las Vegas on Friday night for not paying traffic tickets! How the fallen have opened up a trap door and fallen even further.
The Las Vegas Sun reports that when cops pulled Foofy Foofy (born name: William Jonathan Drayton) over, they typed in his name and up came a bunch of outstanding warrants for parking violations and driving without a license. Foofy was booked and asked to pose for this beauty shot, which if ran through a word translator would come out looking like this:
This is what it looks like if the elder sea turtle of the sea smoked a fat joint and then devoured an entire pack of Jell-O pudding. That close-mouthed Bill Cosby smile gives away the fact that Foofy licked up every drop of pudding.
Hide yo kids, hide yo wives, hide yo weed, hide yo blunts! The sweetest seahorse of Alabama was put into handcuffs early this morning by cops who should be using their time to track down bed snatchers instead. TMZ reports that one of the original viral superstar sensations Antoine Dodson was pulled over in Alabama by the Huntsville PD who searched him and found marijuana. 'Toine was charged with speeding, failing to have insurance and misdemeanor marijuana possession. 'Toine was released a second later and he's already out there snatching smoke out of a bong with his mouth, because he could use a hit or two.
Damn. Damn. Damn. Let this be a lesson to all of us. When you go out into the world with an illegal drop of the good shit on your person, make sure whatever is on top of your head is looking mug shot ready fresh. Learn from Antoine's mistakes, you don't want to look like a Goofy-ized version of Willow Smith. Antoine doesn't have a thick layer of SAD across his face because he got arrested for some "you are really dumb fo' real" shit. He's weepy, because that sad wave on his head is playing a warped and busted version of "Whip My Hair." The Hunstville PD needs to do right by 'Toine and let him come back for "Do-Over Mug Shot Day."