Brangelina has been keeping busy. When St. Angie isn't practicing swallowing an entire bottle of pills whole, she has been holding top secret meetings with her hypnotic vagina to discuss how they are going to snatch away Johnny Depp from Gappy. And when Brad isn't putting on a faux happyface for the children army, he has been playing tea party with Aniston and her stuffed animal collection. At least that is what the tabloids are saying this week.
Star Magazine is saying that St. Angie wants to reclaim her crown as the hardest-working dick snatcher in the game (sorry Sienna) by getting a piece of Johnny Depp. Angie and Johnny are about to shoot a movie together in Italy later this month, and she has been inviting herself over his L.A. house to "work on the script." But a source says that she's really trying to work on his wang. The source went on to say, . “She's already spent hours there drinking red wine with Johnny. She's intense and goes for anything and anyone she wants. She has no limits!" Angie must be planning to go in for the kill when they get to Italy, because she told Brad that he is not invited.
I don't think Vanessa Paradis needs strap Johnny's dick with The Club just yet. I mean, nobody can gap him like she can (I don't know what that means either).
As for OK! Magazine and InTouch, the covers really say it all. It says that St. Angie is channeling Neely O'Hara from Valley of the Dolls and threatening Brad with some dark secret. Maybe his deep dark secret is that his goat beard is actually a glued on merkin.
At the Kustendorf Film Festival in Belgrade, Serbia last night, director Emir Kusturica revealed a statue of Johnny Depp keeping it sexy while leaning against a telephone pole. Yes, that is supposed to be a statue of Johnny Depp. It looks more like a parched Katherine Moennig dressed as a young Skeet Ulrich at a Scream costume party. Johnny might agree. But since Johnny's a polite gentlemen, he made sure to swallow the vomit of laughs that tried to pour out of his mouth.
I'm still going to raise my mug of coffee to Serbia this morning, because think of all the drunk tourists and locals this statue is going to attract. Someone needs to create a Tumblr page devoted to showcasing all the pictures of boozed up skanks licking on this statue. Belgrade never has to worry about hiring someone to clean up the pigeon shit. That statue is going to get more tongue than Tommy Girl's ass lips at a Scientology pot luck.
Any inanimate object that attracts such acts of sluttery always gets my seal of approval.
Johnny Depp is the only human with a penis on this planet who can wear an Anna Wintour-inspired bob on his head and still make nipples twitch like they just swallowed a gob of wasabi.
Actually, let me rewind this bitch and correct myself. Johnny is the SECOND dude in all the land who can pull off a Wintour bob. Peter Pan Dude and his bob have been making genitals yodel for years! Get a piece of this (if you haven't had two servings already):
Here's more of Johnny making causing mass bagina bukkake at an airport in Tokyo earlier today.
Ask my genitals (and the restraining order out against me) and they will tell you that this was definitely the year of THE SILVER FOX! I mean, look at that precious blue background. Wouldn't it look even more precious with Anderson Fox's silver field glittering in front of it? Sigh. People better include a "Sexiest Fox Alive" supplement in this shit. Anymynonowillbesendingthemhatemail....
As you can see Johnny Depp was named People's Sexiest Man Alive (aka Bitch We Want To Bone Badly). Johnny joins Billy Goat Brad Pitt and George Clooney as the only pieces who have been named SMA twice. And once again, Mah Boo shuffles off empty-handed. FOR SHAME!
The rest of the list includes some of the usual suspects (i.e. Ryan Reynolds, Jakey G, Robert Downey Jr., Posh Beckham's purse holder) as well as some new hos (i.e. The Glee Guys, Gilles Marini, Squinty's favorite shopping partner, Glamberace, John Cho, Nick Cannon, John Legend).
And yes, the Keeper of the Unicorn Forest made the list too. Yesterday, there was a fake People cover going around with RPattz on it. People probably decided not to go with RPattz this year, because they didn't want to be responsible for the millions of Twitward vaginas that would explode out of excitement.
ATMs everywhere give Nicolas Cage the side-eye whenever he strolls up, because they know he's on his way to the poor house. Nicolas' checking account is coming up short thanks to buying stupid ass crap like real shrunken heads, a $500,000 car and two King Cobras. Nicolas Cage is a walking E! True Hollywood Story: MC Hammer.
Since Nicolas needs a check I was waiting for him to announce that he's the new Cash4Gold spokeswhore, but he doesn't have to do that now. With a friend like Johnny Depp, Nicolas doesn't have to peddle that ass to the highest bidder.
A source told The Daily Express that when Johnny Depp learned that Nicolas owed almost $7 million in unpaid taxes, he stuck his hand out for his old friend. You know, if Johnny Depp offered me a hand, my ass lips would be kissing his palm faster than you could scream, "CALL 911!" I digress.
Johnny feels that he owes Nicolas everything since he's the reason why he got Nightmare on Elm Street. Nicolas introduced Johnny to his agent and the rest history.
The source went on to say, “Johnny called Nic and basically told him not to worry and he’d help him and sort everything out. Johnny feels he owes his career to Nic and now wants to repay him – if Nic agrees. Johnny has never forgotten what Nic did for him.”
Johnny Depp is a wonderful man with a penis of gold, but he needs to put his checkbook away. Nicolas Cage did this shit to himself by buying useless crap like King Tut's nutsack and Cleopatra's clit. It's called EBAY, Nicolas! Shit, I'm sure Nicolas' own son, Kal-El Coppola Cage, would give him a few million dollars to legally change his name to something that doesn't make people shake their heads out of pity.
Johnny Depp is currently in talks to star opposite St. Angie in The Tourist. Variety (via Coming Soon) is saying that Sam Worthington was supposed to pucker up to Angie Jo on screen, but he has dropped out over "creative differences." Basically, Sam couldn't come up with a creative way to make his ass more famous, so the producers decided to go with Depp instead.
In the movie, Johnny will play an American tourist "drawn into a web of intrigue by a female Interpol agent (Jolie) who is attempting to locate a criminal who was once her lover."
The Tourist has already seen a shit load of changes. Tommy Girl was originally attached to the title role for a while. When he bounced, Charlize Theron came in. When Charlize quit that bitch, St. Angie jumped on. Alfonso Cuaron is also in talks to take over directing duties from Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck. CONFUSING.
While I'm sure many bitches must be cooking massive amounts of panty pudding over this union, I bet you Vanessa Paradis is not one of those hos.
St. Angie's vagina must be itching to strike again and Johnny Depp is THAT BITCH. If I was Vanessa, I'd shove Johnny's peen in my gap and keep it there for the entire length of the shoot. Let the writers figure out a way to explain that shit, because I would not let that wang out of my sight.
Down the Rabbit Hole could also be a working title (later changed to Down the Gerbil Hole) for Richard Gere's biography. But this isn't about Richard Gere, this is about Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. Here is the teaser trailer and it looks like it should've been called Johnny Depp in Carrot Top Land (with a stop off in Elijiah Wood-ville). I mean, it looks like the Mad Hatter is the true star of this CGI bukkake party. Alice who?
And even though Johnny has HoHan's puss whiskers over his eyes, I'd still hit it. Honestly, how does have that kind of power over genitals?!
Who cares if Johnny Depp has enough jelly in his hair to keep KY in business for years! Who cares if his teefs look like the star of a Parkay commercial! Who cares! Just rub your fuck parts on his hair and 21 Jump Street his ass! I have no fucking clue what "21 Jump Street his ass" actually means, but it sounded hot in my brains. Go with it.
Here's Johnny yearning for a little love from Dawn at the premiere of Public Enemies in Los Angeles yesterday.
Here's three official pictures of Johnny Depp (as the Mad Hatter), Helena Bonham Carter (as the Queen of Hearts) and Anne Hathaway (as the White Queen) from Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. All three of these pictures can easily get prime real estate at the Museum of Exquisite Eyebrow Art. My own eyebrows are bowing down.
It looks like the picture that leaked last year of Johnny as the Mad Hatter was pretty much spot on. Johnny still looks like the acid baby of Elijah Wood and Carrot Top. And in this picture, you can clearly see that Tim Burton took weave brows to a whole new level! Johnny's flame brows are taking me higher! If Andy Rooney didn't get his bush brows trimmed by his barber every week, they would look just like this.
What is Helena Bonham Carter's chola name, because homegirl looks like she has razors in her hair and hickeys underneath her collar. Baby Heart Girl? La Rojo Whisper?
Martin Scorcese is about to begin work on a splashy big-budget biopic of Frank Sinatra's life and every ho on this planet is willing to lick some nut in order to play Ol' Blue Eyes himself. Seriously, don't act like you haven't already e-mailed Martin Scorcese a YouTube clip of you wearing some broke ass fedora while singing "Strangers in the Night."
Everybody thinks Martin is going to cast Leonardo DiCaprio as Sinatra, because he can't take a doody without Leo in the room. But a source told Page Six that it doesn't seem likely, because Leo looks nothing like Sinatra. According to the source, Marty has narrowed it down to a few names including Johnny Depp and James Franco. Other hos in consideration are Jake Gyllenhaal, Harry Connick Jr. , Jon Hamm Michael Buble, Marky Mark and Justin Timberdouche. YES, Justin Timberdouche! Can I get an extra-large order of WTF?!
I mean, Justin is a big dick, so maybe he can play Sinatra's famously large peen, but that's it! If Martin casts Justin as Sinatra, it's time to shut down the movie-making business forever. The butchery has to end sometime! We can entertain ourselves with shadow puppets around the campfire.
And if Martin is really considering that dick bag Justin, he should give this versatile actor a shot first. STAINS will work for cupcakes!