Dressed like the late-in-life French lesbian owner of an ostrich farm in New Mexico, Johnny Depp strolled onto the stage at Nickelodeon's Kids Choice Awards in L.A. yesterday and hosed everyone down with slime. I see what you did there, Nickelodeon, and Child Protective Services along with agents from The Chris Hansen Department of NOT RIGHT SHIT will be knocking on your door.
While most hos were on the receiving end of a Shrek green shower, Johnny doesn't play that mess. It took Johnny way too long to successfully snatch those clothes from Diane Keaton's closet, so he's not going to let Slimer's menstrual fluid mess 'em up. And I really feel sorry for the sick ho who Googles "slime me, Johnny Depp, slime me" and end up on this post. This is not what you signed up for when you clicked.
If you need to know the winners of this popped glow stick passed off as an awards show, you need to look elsewhere! We're all adults here (not really) and we don't look at the winners of some children's awards show! Adults don't do that! We only make inappropriate jokes about the pictures! And let's continue the theme.
Here's a few of those who showed up to that mess yesterday: Johnny Depp (and I know you're going to use the color picker Photoshop tool on that green slime), Josh Bieber, Fergie in a Lego dress, Heidi Klum with Nick Cannon, Russell Brand with Manny from Modern Family, Snoop Dogg, Selena Gomez, Wonky McValtrex (whose military trained gyno knows all about green slime), some tramps off the street, Taylor Momsen, Nick Simmons, Sophie Simmons, Willow Smith, Steven Tyler with Erin Brady and Sofia Vergara.
Brangelina's never-ending "Go See The Damn Tourist Or Maddox Will Have To Wear LAST Season" tour took them to Madrid, Spain tonight where Brad Pitt continued to look like a retired Euro DJ who drives a Lamborghini and wakes up to Pure Moods Vol. 1 on his alarm clock. And Angie Jo continued to look like she just sashayed directly out of the Kardashian Khristmas Kard.
You know, I'm going to look past Angie's misinterpretation of "If Morticia played Sable on Dynasty" hair, because she's actually wearing SPARKLES on her tits! That's the only thing Twihards and I have in common. As soon as I see SPARKLES, I don't care that they're on the body of a vampire who attacks innocent virgins in the name of BLOOD!
Here's more of Brad trying to escape Angie's clutches so that he can smoke a bowl with Johnny Depp in the bathroom before they have to sit through that shit again.
My guess is that Brad Pitt and Angie Jo are dressed up and ready to go to the funeral of her German hairdresser who was immediately consumed by a swarm of locusts shortly after she cursed him for doing THAT to her hair. I do love the "freshly fucked in the back of a convertible going 90mph down the carpool lane" look, but not on Angie. And I do love a good black velvet glove dress straight out of the 80s b-hole, but again, not on Angie. Angie looks as if Morticia Addams had one too many embalming fluid shots at a "Dress As Your Favorite Prince Girl" costume party.
I'm going to curb the hate for Brad Pitt's overall look, because I'm pretty sure I've worn that same outfit before. Unforgivable, I know. And yes, when I wore it I got the memo that wearing an ensemble like that is only acceptable if you're a post-apocalyptic vampire hunter or a Euro technopop star circa 2001.
In other Angie Jo news, she said that being nominated for a Golden Globe for The Tourist was an honor and then she went on to say, "We were laughing because it's the first time that I've been in the comedic category so it's new for me." Yeah, and I'm sure it was one of those "These bitches are so far up my ass that they will even kiss my shit" kind of laughs.
Here's more of Natasha Fatale and the giant Boris with Johnny Depp at the German premiere of that movie tonight.
The News of the World's headline be: "Johnny Depp Gives a Half-Mast Crooked Hitler Salute in Germany!" But that's not what Johnny Depp's doing. He's simply showing Angie Jo how together they open-hand fisted up Hollywood's ass by getting Golden Globe nominations for The Tourist. And then they laughed and laughed and laughed away! Just like how I'm laughing to keep from crying, because Johnny will forever dress like a wealthy lesbian hippie who is about to embark on a journey of self-discovery through the rugged wilderness of Montecito.
According to the hanky code, Johnny's "olive drab" hanky worn on the right means that he's a military bottom. But personally, I think it just means that the foundation he's got smeared on his face tends to run and he needs something within arms reach to dab it with. Keep the beauty smooth at all times, Johnny!
Here's more of Johnny, Angie and their director Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck at the photo call for The Tourist in Berlin today.
The hardcore Brangeloonies of the world declared this past weekend a religious holiday and they observed this by dropping their hard-earned dollars into the donation basket (aka Fandango) and bowing to every single sermon (aka every single showing of The Tourist) at their local place of worship (aka an AMC). Their worshiping and dedication failed to take their HOLY GOD higher, because The Tourist disappointed at the box office this weekend by only bringing in $17 million. The Brangeloonies will punish themselves with 100 lashes to the face (aka watching the first thirty minutes of The Bounty Hunter).
Box Office Mojo says that The Tourist landed in the #2 spot after The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, which also sort of flopped domestically by earning only $24.5 million. Some fancy movie experts are blaming this weekend's box office on SNOWFLAKES! You know, because bitches were practically freezing their culitos off and they didn't want to pay $12 to freeze it some more on St. Angie's icicle-inducing glares. CULOS WERE AT STAKE!
E! News says that The Tourist cost around $100 million to make and there's a chance it could make its budget back overseas but that's not looking good either. The Tourist, which also opened in a few other countries, brought in $25 million worldwide while Narnia's worldwide gross is at $105.5 million.
I didn't see The Tourist this weekend, because I prefer to nibble on a turkey in the comfort of my own bong room, but I've already added that greasy mess to my Netflix queue (since it's probably coming out next week on DVD). I mean, I love a mess that brings out the cuntness in reviewers:
"In a year of craptaculars, The Tourist deserves burial at the bottom of the 2010 dung heap." - Rolling Stone
"It's actually rare for me to see a film that is such an utter failure on so many levels." - 7M Pictures
"Boring, bland and self indulgent Vanity piece for Angelina Jolie." - Eclipse Magazine
"My mother is going to love this movie." - UGO
Mickey Mouse gives Miley Cyrus a slow clap every time she pops her crotch like her clit's a paddle ball champion, but yet he sticks his gloves in his ear holes and scurries from the room if he hears that one of his creations is GAY!
In an interview with the one and only Patti Smith for Vanity Fair, Johnny Depp says that the Disney executives threw holy water and hissed at his portrayal of Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean. Johnny says that Michael Eisner wanted to know if Jack Sparrow's tongue regularly slid along the crotch plank of another pirate. Johnny basically disguised a giant FUCK U with his response, "And so I actually told this woman who was the Disney-ite… ‘But didn’t you know that all my characters are gay?’ Which really made her nervous.”
It probably made her nervous in an "I might cream my chonies right here" kind of way, because who wouldn't want to see Jack Sparrow in a gay porn version of POTC called Pirates of the Caripenis?
Here's the full story on that foolery plus a few quotes about St. Angie:
Johnny on Disney's gay phobia: “They couldn’t stand him. They just couldn’t stand him. I think it was Michael Eisner, the head of Disney at the time, who was quoted as saying, ‘He’s ruining the movie.’ Upper-echelon Disney-ites, going, What’s wrong with him? Is he, you know, like some kind of weird simpleton? Is he drunk? By the way, is he gay?… And so I actually told this woman who was the Disney-ite… ‘But didn’t you know that all my characters are gay?’ Which really made her nervous.”
Johnny on playing Hamlet one day: “[Marlon Brando said,] Why don’t you just take a year and go and study Shakespeare, or go and study Hamlet. Go and work on Hamlet and play that part. Play that part before you’re too old…. So what he was trying to tell me was: play that fucking part, man. Play that part before you’re too long in the tooth. Play it. And I would like to. I’d really, really like to.”
Johnny on the paps always being on St. Angie's ass: “Poor thing, dogged by paparazzi, her and her husband, Brad…all their kids. There are times when you see how ridiculous is this life, how ludicrous it is, you know, leaving your house every morning and being followed by paparazzi. [We'd have] to hide, sometimes not even being able to talk to each other in public because someone will take a photograph and it will be misconstrued and turned into some other shit.”
Johnny on how St. Angie's got some Elizabeth Taylor in her: “I’ve had the honor and the pleasure and gift of having known Elizabeth Taylor for a number of years. You know, you sit down with her, she slings hash, she sits there and cusses like a sailor, and she’s hilarious. Angie’s got the same kind of thing, you know, the same approach.”
St. Angie as the next generation Elizabeth Taylor?! Johnny better wash his tongue out with White Diamonds bar soap! As if St. Angie could ever deliver the iconic line "NotsofastTomRyan" with grace and conviction like Elizabeth Taylor! St. Angie would probably fuck Tom Ryan right there and snatch him away from his happy wife! Err. Dame Liz did that too, you say? Okay, nevermind.
This has been said a million times over, but Johnny Depp sort of is like a young Keith Richards without the dried adobe clay on his face or the sexy green sneakers or the whole "stealing children's dreams in the middle of the night" thing. Johnny contemplated this while blowing a cig with Keith outside of a restaurant in London last night.
Johnny and his adoptive hobo daddy spent some time together after shooting Pirates of the Caribbean 4 all day. That's why Johnny's body is still covered in fake owwies.
And it was really nice and conscientious of Johnny to X mark the spot on his face where your right ass cheek goes. A gentleman all the way!
St. Angie Jo is a world traveler whose old passport drawer is fuller than the drawer containing the nutsacks of all her victims, but damn DAMN damn she sucks at doing accents! Who keeps telling her that she should do accents in movies? Slap that bitch! Look at the first trailer for The Tourist, a movie where Angie once again plays an international woman of mystery who can unzip a man's pants with her eyes while loading a pistol with her labia.
For some reason, Angie does a foreign accent in this movie. It won't piss in your bowl of Count Chocula like her jacked up accent in Alexander, but it will still put a question mark over your head. I mean, what kind of accent is that anyway? She sort of sounds like a tongue-less Brit trying to do an American accent. I don't even know. For the love of Shiloh tell her to stop!
And I'm honestly only focusing on Angie's accent, because I refuse to talk about how Johnny Depp looks like a bloated Eddie Vedder here. Don't make me.
This has to be someone's recurring wet dreamsout there, so here's some pictures of Johnny Depp handcuffed to a boat on the set of The Tourist in Venice, Italy. All you need is a bottle of Andre and an economy-sized tube of lube! Get at it!
It doesn't hurt that Johnny is giving me "Eddie Vedder fresh out of a men's prison" flavor in these pictures. Although, try to ignore Angelina Jolie lurking in the shadows like Psycho Duck ready to peck:
That might ruin your fantasy.
For those of you who guessed March 4th as the day the first "ANGIE IS TRYING TO STEAL JOHNNY" story hit the tabloids, give yourself an extra pat on the nipple! You're a winner! Your prize is a newborn orphan who will arrive via FedEx today or tomorrow (depending on weather conditions). You better clean out the bottom the drawer in your bedroom dresser! Anyways.
In today's New York Post their sources claim that Johnny Depp's partner of a million years Vanessa Paradis really doesn't want to spend her Saturday nights eating lukewarm cookie dough with Jennifer Aniston while playing a fake version of the Newlywed Game with a bunch of cardboard cutouts of their exes. No, that's not how Vanessa wants this story to go. So because of this she has demanded that Johnny quit the movie he's making with Angie Jo, which is filming right now in Venice, Italy.
The source said, "Vanessa found out that there was a real long and intense love scene between [Depp] and Jolie. He's currently trying to [get out of the movie], but I don't know if he's succeeded. But he's trying and they're talking about replacing him with [Jolie's partner] Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio."
The article goes on to read: "The puffy-lipped siren and Pitt hooked up after they steamed up the screen in Mr. & Mrs. Smith. The 2005 picture was largely credited with busting up Pitt's Tinseltown union with 'Friends' actress Aniston. Years earlier, Jolie got her hooks into Billy Bob Thornton, while the 'Sling Blade' actor was reportedly engaged to actress Dern."
ANISTON, stop sending in your creative writings to The Post! Stop. It. Keep it in your dream journal.
But seriously, Vanessa Paradis has nothing to worry about and she knows it. Nobody can gap fuck Johnny like she can. If Angie suddenly shows up to set with a toof missing, then Vanessa can start to set up the bear trap near Johnny's dick.