The Rolling Stones performed a secret show at the 650-capacity Echoplex in the Echo Park neighborhood of L.A. last night and it brought out Johnny Depp, Amber Heard, Bruce Willis, James Woods, Gwen Stefani, Ke$hit and the Olsen Trolls. Everybody is talking about how Amber and Johnny held hands at the show, but that's what hos do when they're doing each other full-time. They hold hands in public places. Well, unless you're doing me full-time and then you only agree to meet me at night, in a Denny's far from your apartment where nobody knows you and the waitress won't give a shit that you're sharing french fries and chocolate pie with me. But yeah, Amber and Johnny eat each other's butts all the time, so it's not surprising that they're holding hands.
But what everybody should be talking about is how the Olsen Trolls showed up looking like twin be-weaved Gollums on heroin. When you make Ke$hit look like a crystal clear dew drop sitting on top of the petal of a freshly bloomed wild flower on the peak of a mountain top that has never been visited by man, maybe it's time to take a shower or at least let a bitch hose you down on the driveway.
Johnny Depp and Amber Heard started getting naked together either right before or right after his relationship with Vanessa Paradis ended, and there are rumors that shit is getting so serious that they are about to move in together. But Radar says that while Johnny is ready to get monogamous with Amber, she's not really feeling it. Even though current day Johnny Depp looks like a beautiful butch lesbian, he doesn't have a 'gina and that's what Amber really wants.
A source tells Radar that Johnny wants to be with Amber all the time, but she keeps telling him that she only wants his dick part-time and she just can't have a full-on relationship with a dude. The source says Amber is breaking Johnny's greasy lil' heart:
“Johnny and Amber have been having a lot of fun spending time with one another, but Amber keeps telling him she’s not interested in being with him in a monogamous relationship. She says she feels she's too young for him, but the main factor is Amber prefers dating women over men and has no interest in committing to a guy -- even if he is Johnny Depp! Amber is a free spirit when it comes to love, and refuses to label herself as gay, or even bi-sexual, but it's a fact that she is more attracted to women than men and the most meaningful relationships she has had to date have been with same sex partners."
What a cruel, Depp-eating she-devil that Amber Heard is. Johnny is already humiliating himself by dressing like an old west english teacher who works in the mornings as a newsboy, and she's humiliating him even more by toying with his innocent heart! Did I ever tell you that you're my hero, Amber Heard?
Now that Johnny Depp is free of Vanessa Paradis and Amber Heard, he can freely get messy without worrying about getting yelled for smelling like bad decisions, the liquid at the bottom of a bar back's bin and random cooch nectar when he comes home. Johnny smeared some Maybelline eyeliner under his eyes and went out to share a Pink Taco with Steven Tyler at the Aerosmith after-party in L.A. last night.
And if we played the "Who'd you rather let stick the tip in?" game, most of you whores would go with Johnny Depp, because you really want your nethers to smell like patchouli and the finest kind of imported French dick cheese. But I'd go with Steven Tyler, because humping on a humanized Galápagos tortoise dressed like Cher on casual Friday is high up on my list of wants.
This piece of gossip comes from the chronicle of journalistic integrity that is the British tabloid Now Magazine (via DM), so it's obviously made of one hundred percent truthfulness and you should submit it to the CNN tip line after you're done here. No joke, it was probably on CNN this morning. So, you know how the tabloids painted Vanessa Paradis as a crusty, nagging, fun-hating witch who drove Johnny Depp into Amber Heard's twat of solace by whining at him about everything? Well, a source tells Now that Vanessa has stopped screaming at Johnny and is cursing Amber Heard's name instead. I feel a cover of "The Boy Is Mine" called "The Hobo Is Mine" by Vanessa & Amber coming on. The source puts it like this:
"Vanessa's devastated that Johnny's dumped her. She blames Amber and calls her a man-stealing, two-bit nobody and has vowed to not let her anywhere near their children."
A two-bit nobody? Since when does Vanessa talk like a character from Mama's Family? Vanessa should've went all the way by calling her a two-bit nobody tramp harlot from around the way.
Since I only look at the superficial layer of any situation, I see shit like this. Vanessa had Johnny at the height of his freshness and supreme hotness, and Amber Heard, if she's doing him, has him when he's looking like the way he's looking now. It's kind of like if I ate a freshly made Double Double from In-N-Out twenty minutes ago and started foaming at the mouth with jealous rage when somebody sat next to me and started nibbling on a half-eaten, stale, moldy, Double Double they found in the dumpster. Okay, it's nothing like that, because I'd still make jealous eyes at a trick eating a rotten Double Double and I'd still hit current day Johnny Depp. Scratch everything I said and just look at these pictures from the Paris Cinema Festival of Vanessa looking like the Evil Spirit from the Care Bears movie.
For the past couple of months, there's been rumors that Johnny Depp has been Edward Scissoring Amber Heard ever since VaJohnny broke up and there's been more rumors that the two started getting horny for each other while shooting The Rum Diary two years ago. I didn't really pay too much attention to those rumors, because why would hot piece Amber Heard ride on current day Johnny Depp when she can ride on her hot piece of a girlfriend instead? But now a source tells InTouch Weekly (via DM) that Amber and her girlfriend Tasya van Ree stopped bumping coochies a few months ago and they're still friends.
The source tells InTouch that Amber and Tasya broke up around the same time she started rubbing nipples with Johnny. Who knows if it was a clean break up or if Amber and Johnny pulled an "Eddie & LeAnn" by leaving their pieces for each other. I don't know, but I do know that Amber has a serious hat fetish. Hat-fucker!
And no, no, Johnny's dick doesn't have magical lezzie-rebuking powers. Amber has been open about loving herself some poon AND poon. Although, Johnny's been looking like a middle-aged gypsy lesbian from New Mexico for a while, so maybe Amber thinks he's a woman who always wears a really fancy, lifelike strap-on.
But more importantly, what is Amber and Johnny's couple name. This is obviously the only thing any of us care about? What about BerJohnny? Or Hearpp? Yeah, let's go with Hearpp. Hearpp has a certain special ring to it.
Lainey at Lainey Gossip read and covered UsWeekly's cover story about the tragic demise of VaJohnny, and you'll believe all of it if you believe that Vanessa Paradis nagged at Johnny Depp so much that he finally walked the plank of their marriage and dove face-first into a sea of snatch. Vanessa whine cried at Johnny about living on a private island with just the kids, so he drowned his sorrows in his publicist's chocha. Vanessa whine cried at Johnny about wanting to move to Los Angeles, so he drowned his sorrows in Amber Heard's twat. It was kind of like a drinking game. Every time Vanessa bitched about something, Johnny did a shot of punane. Lainey broke UsWeekly's mess of a story down like this:
-V wanted to break up 2 years ago because she was unhappy
-V complained all the time about their low key lifestyle. She didn’t want to stay on a private island and quietly raise their babies. She was bored and restless.
-V was the one who wanted to move to LA and that’s when it all unravelled.
-V was the one who insisted that he make big budget Disney movies because she loved the money. Johnny wasn’t interested but only did them for her.
(Please tell me you’re shaking your head and rolling your eyes now.)
-When those movies became big ass deals, V then resented J for his success.
Says an Us Weekly source:
“Nothing Johnny did was ever good enough for Vanessa. When he was working, she wasn’t happy. And when he wasn’t working, he was called a slob for not doing enough for the kids and her family.”
Frustrated and in pain, the only outlet Johnny had was other woman - someone who played a mermaid in Pirates, maybe Eva Green, Amber Heard, his publicist...
That shit reads like it was taken directly from his publicist's strategy book marked "How To Spin It So JD Doesn't Look Like He's Crashing Directly Into A Mid-Life Crises." UsWeekly forgot to include the one where Vanessa tried to kill all of Johnny's hotness by sucking his sense of style through the portal of doom between her front teefs. Seriously, if Vanessa whined at him about everything, couldn't she have whined at him about dressing like what it would look like if a witch turned a Sedona souvenir shop into a human?
After months of denying the rumors that he's drunkenly whoring it up while she's at home taking care of the chirrun, Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have stopped denying and have publicly announced that they are going their separate ways like Vanessa's front teeth. Johnny Depp's spokeswhore gave a short and simple statement of words to Entertainment Tonight and confirmed that after 14 years together, he's no longer sticking his tongue between Vanessa's gap and they both wish everyone will not sniff up their asses for more information. Johnny doesn't have to worry about me sticking my nose in his ass, because I'm not about to get butt scabies up in my nostrils. (I'm lying, I still would.) Here's VaJohnny's break-up statement:
"Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have amicably separated. Please respect their privacy and, more importantly, the privacy of their children."
This is the opposite of shocking, I know. VaJohnny hasn't been photographed together in what seems like centuries and all of their denials just seemed like publicist talk for "mind your own fucking ugly business." AND Johnny Depp allegedly has the mark of an Olsen on his peen. When your piece has the mark of an Olsen on his peen, you kick him out of the house, torch all his clothes and get the trailer witch to blow sage smoke at your chocha to rid yourself of the troll curse! So yeah, this isn't surprising.
Every waif-ish, 20-something who always looks hungry should brace herself, because Johnny is ready to whore it up and he's coming for you! Vanessa should also brace herself, because John Mayer is going to try to complete his transformation into Johnny Depp by coming after her. Get yourself some douche repellent, Vanessa!
RPattz, whose scalp makes a cameo as the enchanted forest in Snow White & The Huntsman, was too busy doing more important things (like deep conditioning his taint hair or whatever) to show up to last night's MTV Movie Awards, so Kristen Stewart had to accept their award for Best Kiss by herself. KStew tried to make a joke out it by begging Charlize Theron, Thor, Taylor Lautner or ANYBODY to get up there and put their lips on hers. Charlize couldn't do it, because she was backstage putting her lips on a bong she made out of one of those popcorn trophies. Taylor Lautner couldn't do it, because he's not one to put his mouth on lady lips for free. So KStew asked herself, WWJAD (What would Jennifer Aniston do?) and the answer was: make out with herself!
You know, what KStew lacks in acting skills, she makes up for in awkwardness. She is beyond awkward. This one time when I was 8 or 9, I walked in on my one-legged stepmother changing her tampon over the toilet in my dad's guest bathroom. Afterward, she sat down next to me at the breakfast table (No, we weren't having tomato omelets, thank God!) and we ate in silence. If I could take the awkwardness I felt in that moment and mold it into a human person, that human person would be a lot like Kristen Stewart. Just awkwardness running through her veins...
Anyway, here's a few pictures from last night. In order: Jennifer Aniston, Jodie Foster (throwing either a "Where's a strap-on when you really need one?" or "This bitch better not ask me to make out with her!" side-eye), Johnny Depp, Ciara, Christina Ricci, Charlize, Wiz Khaliafaawhatever with Amber Rose, KStew, Emma Stone, Jessica Biel, Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Seacrest with Julianne Hough, Brooke Hogan, Ick & Nast, Jean-Claude Van Damme with guest, Emma Watson, two Fraggle Rock refugees, Marky Mark, Andrew Garfield and Russell Brand.
People said earlier this year that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis' relationship had a hole in it bigger than the gap in her moufs and their sources didn't think there was any chance of them patching that shit up. Johnny was off grinding on tricks in the club while drunk out of his head skull and Vanessa was off being a mom in the French countryside or some shit. It was one of those "THEY'RE LIVING TWO DIFFERENT LIVES!!!!" kind of stories. Vanessa quickly said in so many words that the rumors weren't true. Now it's Johnny's turn to spit out a denial. During the London premiere of the abomination that is the Dark Shadows movie, the mash-up of Adam Ant and Keith Richards told The Sun that he's still happily slipping his tongue in Gappy's gap:
"They are absolutely not true. No matter what I say about this, people believe the opposite. I can’t say enough about it not being over.”
That's wonderful and everything, but The Sun asked the wrong question. They should've asked Johnny why he broke up with shampoo and when can we expect them to start "canoodling" again? That's the question I really need the answer to.
I haven't stepped inside of a church for centuries, because they only have one kind of wine and all the magazines in the pew racks are boring. But lord, after seeing these pictures of Marilyn Manson and Taylor Momsen at the Revolver Golden God Awards, I just want to throw an abuelita-approved praying veil over my face and head to the nearest altar to pray to Guadalupe, Concepion, Mercedes, Charo, LaDonna, La Whisper, Ruby and all the other saints. This mess looks like a mock satanic ritual held in some goth teen girl's garage. The only thing it's missing is a father turning on all the lights and telling Taylor that it's dinnertime and her bloated, grown lesbian friend needs to go home.
Who knew that the way to make Marilyn Manson's crotch more terrifying is to put Taylor Momsen's Top Ramen ass weave in front of it? Then, when things couldn't get even worse, Johnny Depp (click here to see his ass perform) came out to play with MM. Once I finish barfing from all my holes over Marilyn slobbering on Taylor like she's pie, I'm going to barf some more over the fact that for a quick second I mistook Johnny Depp for Adam Ant.