Megan Fox

The director of Trannyformers, Michael Bay, made Megan Fox audition at his house. This makes sense since his bed is probably more comfortable than a pull-out sofa in his office, but Michael didn't make Megan audition on a mattress. Instead, he made her wash his Ferrari while he filmed her. The Guardian (via Page Six) says that the video is floating around somewhere. Megan doesn't know where it is and when Michael was asked about it, he said, "Er, I don't know where it is either."

If you ever run into Michael Bay, ask to see his "Ferrari." I'll bet you the lips off my ass that he'll pull out his veiny, sun-spotty dick. If he doesn't, then that means she really washed his car! If that's the case, I'll call Megan's ass and say, "Hi, Megan Fox. This is Steven Spielberg. I'd like to cast you in the sequel to Schindler's List. If you want the role, please come and clean my apartment from top to bottom." You know she'll do it.

Here's Megan and her slutty mime make-up with Cate Blanchett at the Armani Prive show in Paris today.

Megan Fox's internal filter is clogged up with jizz (and other man-made particles), so she tends to say exactly what she's thinking all the time! Example time! Megan said this a little while ago about Transformers, "I can't shit on this movie because it did give me a career and open all these doors for me. But I don't want to blow smoke up people's ass. People are well aware that this is not a movie about acting."

Um. Thank you, Professor Whory McObvious! We didn't already know that. I mean, if you see the words "MEGAN FOX" on a movie poster, then you know you're not going to witness the second coming of Laurence Olivier. Only Megan Fox could make a CGI robot look like they've trained most of their life at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts.

The director of Transformers has slapped Megan right back for her comment. Michael Bay told The Wall Street Journal (via UsWeekly), "Well, that's Megan Fox for you! She says some very ridiculous things because she's 23 years old and she still has a lot of growing to do. You roll your eyes when you see statements like that and think, 'Okay Megan, you can do whatever you want. I got it. Nick Cage wasn't a big actor when I cast him, nor was Ben Affleck. before I put him in Armageddon. Shia LaBeouf wasn't a big movie star before he did Transformers -- and then he exploded. Not to mention Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, from Bad Boys. Nobody in the world knew about Megan Fox until I found her and put her in Transformers. I like to think that I've had some luck in building actors' careers with my films."

I think it's safe to say that we can also file the above quote in the "Ridiculous Things" category. Bay, please! Is he actually taking credit for turning Nicolas Cage into a big star?! Does Michael Bay's memory leave out everything that was made before 1996? Two words: VALLEY GIRL. Deborah Foreman should get the "thank you" fruit basket from Nic Cage. Not Michael Bay.

Remember the little cherub boy who was shut down by Megan Fox after he tried to give her a precious yellow rose? Well, he didn't jump off a bridge after realizing there's no reason to live anymore if Megan Fox can't even glance his way. No, he's alive and well (the well part is up for discussion). And he's been found! Maybe. Possibly. Hopefully.

A few days ago, Kodak offered a $5,000 reward to any bitch who could accurately identify the adorable butterball! Throw a little coin in and bitches will do whatever it takes! The price of the good shit is going up.

Gawker got a tip from a reader who claims to be a Facebook friend of the 11-year-old British boy who goes by the name Harvii. YES. HARVII! Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Harvii obviously needs a reality show with Harvey Price. Flowers From Harvii & HARVEY is ratings gold! They can travel the world handing out flowers to skanky celebrities. Vh1, get on this!

Below are a couple of screen shots from Harvii's Facebook page. You can judge for yourself if this is the boy. I know his profile says he was born in 1983, but if you're under the age of 13, you have to lie your age to get on Facebook. Oooooh. I don't know if Megan Fox likes LIARS!

And ignore the seventh thumbnail of him posing with a geisha pig creature thing. I won't hold that against him.

Also, if you're a straight man, you can stop trying to gain an extra 50lbs. You can also return that dyke mullet wig you bought at the costume shop. The search might be over.

Last week in London, Megan Fox broke the spirit, killed the heart and crushed the dreams of a young boy who only wanted to give her a yellow rose (for friendship). It was the moment that the boy, who time traveled all the way from the 80s to be there, realized that the world is a cruel place.

In an interview with Collider.com, Megan claims she has no idea that was going on next to her, because her prolific brain was too busy creating the next great thought that would boggle the world. Megan said that if she finds out the boy's name, she will send him a person apology. I'm afraid it's too late. The boy is probably halfway to Hawaii where he's planning to throw himself in Mauna Loa.

The best Megan do is send him a personal apology?! Pfft. What the hell kind of St. Angie wannabe is she?! St. Angie would never just send a stupid apology. She would adopt his ass. A clip of Megan's apology is below. Doesn't the mug of tea make her look extra smart and serious? She thinks so.

In London last night, a young boy with pleading eyes tried to bestow a beautiful yellow rose upon Megan Fox, but she rejected him! That boy probably spent his ice cream money on that flower! Or maybe he's an orphan! Yeah, that's it. He threw porridge in the head mistress of the orphanage's face, escaped out the front door, stole a rose and then ran directly to Megan's hotel. He risked everything just to give her a rose and that slut broke his heart! Just like that.

In some of the pictures it even looks like she's acreaming "GOOOOO!!!! MOVE FASTER" to her bodyguards. Like she's trying to get away from the ball of sweetness! All he wanted was for her to take his rose.

Right after Megan murdered any hope he had left in this world, that urchin shuffled into an alley. He stared at the unwanted rose and suddenly felt hatred towards it for not being beautiful enough for Megan. So he ate the rose to rid it from his sight. The thorns cuts his vocal cords and now he's mute! He's a mute thanks to Megan Fox! Megan Fox is a monster!

And yes, my bong co-wrote this post.

Megan Fox is not only one of the most prolific thinkers of our time, but she also knows how to show up to premiere looking like a Downtown Las Vegas stripper on the prowl for a dollar, a dick and a dream! An elegant dress like this could take you from a dinner at a fancy restaurant to getting quick dicked in the back of an '89 Chrysler LeBaron. This dress has it all. Megan Fox made the right choice and by the looks of it, her nippies also approve.

I know this might be giving you flavors of St. Angie's freakum dress from Cannes, but Megan does it better. Megan has the "I will lick yo taint for a Diet Rite" attitude to pull it off with grace and class. And Megan would totally win against St. Angie in a debate on philosophy and stuff like that.

Here's more of Megan with Shia LaDouche at the Berlin premiere of Trannyformers tonight. In some of the pictures, it looks like she's trying to steal Shia's wallet. Once a shady ho, always a shady ho!!

The oldest trick in the whore book! At today's premiere of Trannyformers in Tokyo, Megan Fox pulled the good old "Oh, let me peek at Shia while I accidentally rub my nalgas all over Josh Duhamel's crotch area." Well, played. If only she would've reached a little higher. So close to being a bullseye. This is the Megan Fox that I like. The Megan that takes every available opportunity to get a little more dick in her life. Because when life hands you Duhamel wang, you have to grab it with your ass cheeks.

Here's Megan wearing a prom dress fit for the sluttiest girl in high school at the premiere today along with Mr. Fuggie Fug, Shia LaDouche, Tyrese, Michael Bay, Ramon Rodriguez and Isabel Lucas. Why does Shia have his hands behind his back in almost every picture? Gambled and lost?

One of my favorite philosophers, Megan Fox, on movie kissing:

“Oh my God! Screen kissing is fucking gross. This one kid I had to kiss had just eaten. And he passed a piece of whatever it was into my mouth. Not on purpose, like it was in his tooth or something. And it was really salty. I almost cried. I was a bitch for the rest of the day.”

Kid?! That perverted bitch! But seriously, why is hogirl acting like her palette isn't used to salty substances. What kind of mega slut grosses out over that? For shame! You know she had to put some salty stuff in her mouth just to get the role!

VIA Showbiz Spy

One of my favorite quotes of all-time comes from the philosopher and professor of whores Cristal Connors. It is: "You are a whore, darlin. We all are. We take the cash, we cash the check, we show 'em what they wanna see." In an interview with GQ (via Showbiz Spy), Megan Fox tried to make this point, but FAILED. Megan just doesn't possess the natural wisdom of Cristal Connors.

Megan said, “When you think about it, we actors are kind of prostitutes. We get paid to feign attraction and love. Other people are paying to watch us kissing someone, touching someone, doing things people in a normal monogamous relationship would never do with anyone who’s not their partner. It’s really kind of gross.

I have this sort of promiscuous image. People assume I’m really overtly sexually aggressive and that I’m this wild child. And I’m not like that at all. I would rather have an image that is wild and promiscuous than to go out of my way to be proper all the time. There are some guys who think I’m going to be this little cupcake who’s going to bat my eyes and be like a receptacle for them. I shut them down immediately.”

Megan is waxing philosophical when she really should be waxing penis instead. Thinking is not for everyone, Megan! You know when you put an extra large load of laundry in the dryer and it can't handle it, so it starts violently shaking during the spin cycle? That's what Megan's brain does when she tries to think too hard. Megan, keep the load light, hon.

Speaking of loads, here's Megan at the MTV Movie Awards yesterday with after-bukkake hair.

Megan Fox also loves to vomit out words during interviews. Megan is really starting to get to me. If she wasn't such a big slut who loves to roll around in the f word all day long, I would completely write her off. Seriously, read the latest eye-rolling quote from Megan:

“It pisses me when people fucking complain that I'm too beautiful to get a part. That's bullshit. You wouldn't be working if you weren't attractive. Hollywood is the most superficial thing you could possibly be a part of. And if I weren't attractive I wouldn't be working at all.”

I also think her no-gag-reflex is another the reason why she works, because we know she's not getting cast in movies because of her acting skills. Megan is the only one who can make CGI robots look like they have the acting skills of Meryl Streep.

Megan also brought out more of her favorite word when talking about why she tries to stay away from the Hollywood life:

“Because if it was – if I wasn't making that decision I wouldn't, I would be fucking, not literally fucking away my career, but I'd be shitting away my career.”

Um. Megan is pretty much shitting away her career by continuing to act in movies. Homegirl better keep that 'gina tight, because it's only a matter of time before she has to start selling that shit to the highest bidder to pay the rent!

And Megan's rant had enough of the fuck word, but needed a little bit of the cunt word. Megan, work on that!

VIA The Sun