Paramount announced yesterday that prolific philosopher and soon-to-be Fox Reality Channel star, Megan Fox, would not be in Transformers 3. They decided it was more cost effective and easier on the nerves if they used a wig-wearing piece of wet cardboard as Shia LaBeouf's love interest instead. And they would probably get more raw emotion out of a piece of cardboard. But wait! Megan Fox wants it known that Michael Bay did not throw her ass towards the exit sign, she quit that bitch!
Megan's spokesbitch tells People, “Megan Fox will not be starring in Transformers 3. It was her decision not to return. She wishes the franchise the best.”
I know that Megan is trying to save face, but that was a dumb bitch move! Bitch can kiss a weekly unemployment check goodbye now that she's saying she quit instead of getting fired. Stupid toe thumbed fuck. I say that with respect (no, I don't).
And guess who is already trying to land Megan's spot in Transformers?
Before you laugh, let me remind you that Heidi Montag is a CGI robot with the personality of a broken car engine so she'll fit right in with the rest of the cast,
I guess calling Michael Bay "Hitler" and driving crew members insane to the point where they had to choke a baby fox for release cost Megan Fox a job. Deadline Hollywood first reported that Paramount is not picking Megan Fox's contract up for a third Transformers movie. Paramount confirmed the news to ET.
Somewhere in Los Angeles, Megan Fox is getting a pedicure on her thumbs while crying into a bowl of toe jam and water. No, probably not.
Michael Bay is currently looking for a sexy new love interest for Shia LaBeouf's character. QUICK! Somebody slide Quween of the Scene's picture and resume to Michael Bay!
While everybody is doing the dick slappy dance at the thought of Megan Fox taking her first step on the road to irrelevancy, I'm a little sad. If Megan isn't doing Transformers 3, that means she won't be doing promotion for it, which means we won't be gifted with her profound words of wisdom.
Won't you miss feeling your brain cells slowly slip out the back door while reading one of her quotes? Aren't you getting a little teary eyed at the thought of never dunking your head in a sink full of electrified water to bring your dead brain back to life after reading a Megan Fox interview? I am.
And expect a "Betty White to replace Megan Fox" Facebook campaign in tres...dose....
I was so enthralled with Megan Fox's deep thoughts (see below, too lazy to link) that I completely missed two more very important quotes from her. You can shove two more into her your head. Just sprinkle a little coke on top to numb the pain.
Megan on how she's a for serious actress who doesn't need you taking pictures of her nipples while she's trying to do serious actress stuff: “If I knew who took this picture, I would personally cause them harm — physical harm. I’m not a fucking reality-TV star that’s courting the paparazzi and wants my fucking picture taken all the time. I’m at my job and I’m trying to play a character and I’m trying to be serious, and this is the shit that’s happening to me. It makes me furious.”
Megan on compliments: “I hate receiving compliments; I hate being told I’m talented or people think I’m going to be a movie star. I always feel that it’s forced and fake.”
If being told she's talented is the thing Megan hates the most, then she will most likely never feel hate again! YAY! Hug a rainbow and kiss a gay, Megan, because it's your lucky life!
Megan Fox is out promoting something or another, and you know what that means?! Tape a dental dam over your ears, put on a sturdy helmet (there will be head knocking) and get yourself a pair of tweezers and a kitten to pluck, because Megan has more profound words of wisdom for you!
Allure Magazine put a dime in Megan's slot and kicked at her knees to get her to work so that they could ask her a few questions. This latest lecture from Megan is a little more personal. It's like On the Road meets a poem about pigeons written by a crackhead on a JcPenney catalog using his own shit. YES!
Megan on being OCD: "This is a sickness, I have an illness. (Ed. note: You can stop right there, Megan. The thought is already complete) Every time someone uses a bathroom and they flush, all the bacteria is shot into the air."
Megan on using restaurant forks: "Putting my mouth where a million other mouths have been (Ed note: This is a parody, right?), just knowing all the bacteria that you carry in your mouth? Ucch!"
Megan on how she curses a lot during interviews: "I was trying to be lighthearted and have a sense of humor. But I have no desire to express it, really, anymore, because I've always been fucked doing so."
Megan on cooking: "I'll starve to death before I'll cook for myself. I think I could survive a week without eating."
Are you still with us? Did you stick your skinniest finger into your ear to poke your brains out? I hope you didn't, because Megan has just begun. Megan is truly the sluttiest philosopher on the stroll, because she makes it oh-so-easy. Megan's thoughts always have their legs wide open waiting for you to insert your jokes. Thank you, Megan!
I mean, the part about the toilet shooting nastiness into the air? How does Megan think the toilet feels? I wonder if Megan has figured out why toilets shut their lids whenever she walks by and refuse to open for her? While she's peeing in the sink, she's probably thinking to herself, "My omni-powerful brain waves knocked the seat down." No, it's the toilet protecting itself from the droplets of diarrhea wafting out of Megan's mouth. Even toilets have their limits.
Here's Megan walking into Harvard University yesterday to address the graduating class of 2010. They are so lucky.
Those of you who think that Megan Fox's vagina eats a different penis for breakfast, lunch and dinner need to think again! For your information, Megan's chocha only knows the taste of two peens and two peens only. Megan isn't a dirty slut, she just plays one in the media.
In an interview with Harper's Bazaar UK (via NYDN), Megan says that contrary to what's written about her on every bathroom wall from here to Delphia she's not a slut at all. According to Megan, she's only been with two dudes: "I've only been with two men my entire life. My childhood sweetheart and Brian (aka David from Beverly Hills 90210). I can never have sex with someone that I don't love, ever. The idea makes me sick. I've never even come close to having a one-night stand."
Okay, so Megan's got her nun costume on today. Role-playing is fun, isn't it? We can play along....
Megan also said that instead of squirting jizz out of dicks, she's squirting frosting on cupcakes at home. Yes, she's a regular June Cleaver and devoted stepmother, "I am a stepmother to the fullest extent. I have looked after Kassius since he was three and he has no memory of life without me. For some reason, no one wants to look at me that way, but I am responsible [for him] and I've never struggled with that, from bedtime stories to the school run."
But Megan blames herself for why some look at her as a man-eating whore, "My biggest regret is that I've assisted the media in making me into a cartoon character. I don't regret what has happened to me, but I regret the way I have dealt with it."
So there you have it. Go ahead and remove Megan's place setting from the slut's table. More peen for all of us!
We haven't heard from this generation's Nietzsche in a while, because all geniuses must recharge their brains to continue to fart out words of wisdom like the ones Megan Fox gave to W Magazine. Megan has turned shitting out of your mouth into an art, and she doesn't disappoint here.
In the magazine, Megan talks about her panty ad for Armani. Megan doesn't think she looks classy in panties at all. Megan thinks that when she puts on a bra she looks like something Alberto Vargas created with his own hands. You can't make this up, but Megan can! She said, "There are some women you could put in underwear and photograph them, and it looks really classy and it doesn't necessarily provoke a pinup image. But with me, it does, immediately. As soon as I'm in underwear, I'm a Vargas girl."
Let's just pat Megan on the head and keep moving on....
Megan thinks she would make a wonderful mother, because she's really good at soothing Brian Austin Green when he cries about his career in the middle of the night, "No one believes me when I talk about this, but I'm really maternal. I worry that because I've always wanted [kids] so much, as the world goes sometimes, I won't be able to have them, even though I would be able to provide them with such an amazing environment."
And finally, you won't find Megan sitting with the other Hollywood actresses in the cafeteria, because she says she has no interest becoming friends with the likes of ScarJo or MiserAlba: "I especially don't trust girls in this industry, because it's incredibly competitive, and I'm just not interested."
See, this is why Megan is the thinking whore's Natalie Portman. Who wants to play patty cake with the girls when you can play patty cake with a peen in the boy's bathroom. You know, sometimes I really think Megan and I share the same brain....and that's why I drink.
Because Emporio Armani really wanted to tap into their lot lizard demographic, they replaced Posh Beckham with hooker of many words Megan Fox. Here's Megan in her first campaign for Armani making fancy ladythings look like something a yeasty motel prostitute with chaffed nipples might sift through in the "$1 for 1lb" bin at the Salvation Army.
Hey, Megan is the one that opened up the doors of hate with that picture above. I mean, it looks like the legendary Marilyn Monroe is kissing her ass. Marilyn Monroe kissing Megan Fox's ass! THE FUCK?!
No, no, no, we're not going live in that world. Let's just tell ourselves that Megan Fox's Marilyn tattoo is actually a tattoo of Bobby Trendy dressed in drag as Anna Nicole Smith. Yeah, that's better. I'm trying to see the world through Cousin Shelly's eyes.
Er. Well, it looks like Megan Fox's mouth of destruction launched a torpedo of words which exploded directly into her own movie. Box Office Mojo reports that Jennifer's Body opened in the #5 spot at the box office this weekend with just $6.8 million. Even Jennifer Aniston's Entenmann's queef extravaganza Love Happens did better.
For some reason, I thought JB (also titled Megan's Mouth) would've sold a shit load of tickets due to all the pube-challenged fanboys wanting to bust one into their popcorn while watching Megan kiss on Amanda Seyfried and chew on boys. I was wrong.
Here's what the rest of the weekend box office looked like. I know Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs is a kids movie, but it sounds like hardcore gay porn featuring plenty of scat scenes. Yes, you can always find me in the gutter.
1. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs - $30.1 million
2. The Informant! - $10.5 million
3. Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All by Myself - $10.0 million
4. Love Happens - $8.4 million
5. Jennifer's Body - $6.8 million
6. 9 - $5,5 million
7. Inglourious Basterds - $3.6 million
8. All About Steve - $3.4 million
9. Sorority Row - $2.5 million
10. The Final Destination - $2.4 million
Image VIA Fangoria
Brian Austin Green might soon suffer a greater pain that having to kiss on Tori Spelling's "hungover Admiral Ackbar" face, because Megan Fox tells Rolling Stone (via P6) that she has wanted to shoot and stab him during arguments.
Megan mouth-farted, "My temper is ridiculously bad. I've had to say to Brian, 'You have to go and stop talking to me, because I'm going to kill you. I'm going to stab you with something, please leave. I'd never own a gun for that reason. I wouldn't shoot to kill. But I would shoot him in the leg, for sure."
This is funny since I'm sure 99% of you have shouted at your screen for Megan to stop talking before you track her down to stuff a diaper in her mouth hole.
And Megan already owns a dangerous weapon that shoots bullets made out of bullshit, it's called HER MOUTH. Shoot to kill....brain cells.
Yesterday, Megan Fox was slapitty slap slapped by 3 crew members on the Transformers movies in an open letter posted on Michael Bay's website. The crew members called her a dumb bitch who is ungrateful and doesn't want to see the pyramids of Egypt. Or something like that.
Today, Michael Bay, who probably wrote that smackdown himself after crying in a hot shower because Megan called him "Hitler," took down the open letter. In its place, Michael posted this:
"I don’t condone the crew letter to Megan. And I don’t condone Megan’s outlandish quotes. But her crazy quips are part of her crazy charm. The fact of the matter I still love working with her, and I know we still get along. I even expect more crazy quotes from her on Transformers 3."
And in Michael Bay-talk "crazy," means "dumb, slutty and bitchy." And by "working with her," he means "jacking off to the footage from the hidden camera he placed in her trailer."